Junior Develops Penn Course Notify but for Mint Pods at Wawa
Because Mint JUUL pods are, objectively, the superior-tasting nicotine delivery mechanism, it is no surprise that these puppies constantly sell out at Penn’s central Wawa.
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Climate Change is Going to Kill Us All in 15 Years—Who's Tryna Fuck?
The UN says climate genocide is upon us—who here is tryna fuck?
Junior Develops Penn Course Notify but for Mint Pods at Wawa
Because Mint JUUL pods are, objectively, the superior-tasting nicotine delivery mechanism, it is no surprise that these puppies constantly sell out at Penn’s central Wawa.
Gutmann Denies Existence of Mold, Quad, Entire Freshman Class in Explosive Press Statement
As the mold in the Quad grows by the day and students are forced to relocate to the Inn at Penn, the student body has been looking for some guidance.
Climate Change is Going to Kill Us All in 15 Years—Who's Tryna Fuck?
The UN says climate genocide is upon us—who here is tryna fuck?
Anxious Chemistry Professor Single-Handedly Drains Entire Department Chalk Budget
According to her colleagues, Dr. Caroline Jameston is the right hand of Penn’s chemistry department. Unfortunately, her colleagues would also note that Dr. Jameston’s right hand “will probably bankrupt us in a few years.”
God Himself Withdraws From CIS 160
In a historical first since 0 B.C., the Lord God, Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, made an appearance on Earth, descending from His exalted throne and parting the pollution above the Schuylkill to announce that He would be withdrawing from CIS 160 following last Thursday’s midterm.
OP-ED: Please Read This. My Dad Thinks It's Cool When My Posts Are Popular.
If the post is popular, there’s a good shot my dad will text me about it. He might even say something encouraging like “Nice job!” or “Cool.”
Man On Bicycle Ignores Red Light, Biking Through Hundreds of Pedestrians
In a statement to UTB, the cyclist, who we have decided to anonymize, was adamant that he did nothing wrong.
Wharton Unveils New Class OIDD 325: Justifying a Useless Career
The class, which has a 700-student limit, is taught by visiting professor and former head of analytic financial engagement database management at InvestCo, Jane Smithfield. It is expected to fill up quickly.
Close Call! Freshman Makes It To Sink To Throw Up
Quite the scene unfolded in Speakman 207 this weekend as Kate Lorenz (W ’22) returned home from a night of partying. Quietly sneaking past her sleeping roommate and into bed, Lorenz thought she was tucked in for the night.
OP-ED: I Met Your Parents This Weekend, And Now I Know Why You Suck So Much
Listen, don’t take it personally, but I met your parents this weekend, and now it’s extremely clear to me why and how you suck so much. It’s as if I saw the embodiment of anything and everything that’s wrong with you, except heightened.
In Brave Moment of Honesty, Freshman Acknowledges That This Song is Such a Mood
Although no further details were given, the mood of the song called for a minute-long eyes closed air drum solo, with one lip bite during the final chorus
How to See a Future with Him Even Though He Leaves His Wet Clothes in the Washer Overnight
His dorm manners are definitely not husband material, but here’s how to see a future with him even though his clothes have probably been sitting in the washer overnight.
BREAKING: Penn Student's 'Birthright Vlog 2018!' Set for Distribution With 20th Century Fox
In a bold decision certain to send shockwaves through both the University and Hollywood, College junior Max Rather inked a deal with 20th Century Fox on Tuesday for distribution of his short film “Birthright Vlog 2018!”
Need Dining Dollars? Here are 5 Cherished Family Heirlooms You Can Exchange
Are you constantly hungry? Too timid to take food home from the GBM? Are you tired of pathetically begging your Mom for cash so that you won’t starve to death on the mean streets of Philadelphia?
So You’ve Been Sexually Awakened After Meeting Your BFF’s DILFy Dad at Family Weekend. Now What?
Forget Stacy’s mom! Stacy’s dad is really the one who’s got it goin’ on.
Sophomore Now Survives on Diet Consisting Only of Edible Shrubbery
Several weeks ago, a report was published listing all the edible shrubbery on Penn’s campus. Ever since, Penn’s edible plants have replaced all other sustenance for sophomore Kristine Cole.
Biology Professor Cancels Midterm After Forgetting to Include Motivational Calvin and Hobbes Cartoon
Professor Schumann’s Biology 101 students were only five minutes into their first midterm when disaster struck. Schumann watched as students finished the first page of the test and flipped open the second page. Not a single student chuckled—not even a wry smile. Schumann had forgotten to include his sixth favorite Calvin and Hobbes comic strip above question 8.
Shocking Investigation: Huntsman Becomes Dominatrix Sex Dungeon After 2AM
In a recent investigation by Under the Button dot com, it was discovered that famed innocence-corrupter and Zion of capitalist ensnarement John M. Huntsman Hall becomes a dominatrix sex dungeon after 2 a.m.
Junior Begins Lonely Trek to 4th Floor of Van Pelt So He Can Shit in Solitude
Just moments ago, George Henchey (C '20) bid his friends adieu, trusting them to watch over his backpack as if it were their own, and set off on the long and lonely trip to the 4th floor of Van Pelt.
Penn Ranked Fourth Worldwide for Innovation, Producing 20 Million Gallons of It Per Year
After holding our own in the US News Rankings, we managed to make a huge leap in another major college ranking: the Reuters Most Innovative Universities list.
