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Frat Brothers Tell Freshmen to Take a Lap, Collectively Climax

This past Friday, freshman Michael Lucas was told to take a lap by brothers in front of the frat, who climaxed immediately after uttering the words.


Freshman Unsure If She Should Stay Friends With Hall Until After Group Halloween Costume

Now that it’s October, Halloween is probably the only thing anyone is thinking about. Besides the pressure to find a costume that is both funny and slutty, there’s the importance of having a good group costume.


OP-ED: I Ain't Gay, But Watch Me Kill This Wawa Hoagie in One Bite

Hey guys, watch this! I'm gonna murder this Wawa hoagie in one bite. No homo, though.


Embarrassing: Over Half of Penn English Majors Can’t Spell 'Schuylkill'

A recent survey conducted by the Penn English Department found that over half of their undergraduate majors could not spell “Schuylkill,” a finding which calls into question the quality of education English majors receive at the school.


Most Lit Party This Friday?! Squirrel Orgy in Locust Garbage Can

Last Friday, MERT bikers converged on an oddly loud trash can.


OP-ED: The Weather Kind of Sucks No Matter What It Does, Right?

It’s cold out!!! But then again, it was kind of hot a couple days ago, and that was kind of annoying too.


Epic Win: Boy Starts Crying Instead of Screaming During Consulting Case Interview

Last Monday was a big day for Wharton junior Justin Morowitz, who interviewed for yet another consulting company despite having been rejected from over 60 firms.


Wow! Meet the Remarkable Math 114 TA Who Only Slept Through Three of His Recitations!

In the past two years, Vishnevsky has received satisfactory ratings of 3.00 and 2.95 out of 4.00 on Penn Course Review, thus becoming the 56th highest rated TA at Penn.


BREAKING: Junior Marks ‘Maybe’ on Facebook Event, Attends

After two years of ghosting all of his friends and acquaintances, College junior Sean Barnett has finally attended an event he marked as “maybe” on Facebook.


Sophomore Who Enjoys 'Philly’s Unique Atmosphere' Really Just Likes Smell of Weed

Some have a soft spot for Geno’s Steaks. Others are enamored by the skillful brushstrokes of yore at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. But sophomore Julie Atkinson fell in love with Philly for a different reason.


New Study Finds 6th Consecutive 'Ice-ing' Way Less Funny Than First

he conclusion was supported in multiple different environments, such as a pregame, Banana Leaf, or in your living with just you and your friend alone.


Improv-Comedy Group 'Without a Net' Finally Gets Funding for a Net

Penn’s improv group "Without a Net" might soon be needing a new name, as they have finally received the funds necessary for their very own net.


Top 5 Lecture Halls for Eating a Loud, Smelly Meal

Have you ever picked up your second chicken over rice of the day and thought to yourself, "Hmm... I wonder which hot, crowded, uncomfortable classroom I should eat this in?" Well, we've got five lecture halls where you'll be sure to make your classmates gag!


PPE? BBB? Take a Look At Penn's Newest, Most Intense Major: THC

Trade and Horticultural Cultivation, a Wharton-specific major, studies burgeoning financial markets in plant-related management, utility and technologies.


Nine Hour NEC Trial Ends Just Shy of Ten Hour Goal

With outcry by some over the what was seen as unnecessarily long process, the NEC on Monday released a statement saying it will try better in the future to get to a nice, even ten hours. 


Yikes: Student Who Says 'I'm Actually Really Interested in Finance' Not a Sellout, Just a Nerd

Unfortunately for everyone around him, Brett loves arranging excel spreadsheets, researching market trends, and creating investment algorithms.


Bob Casey Hosts a ‘Campaign and Shackles’ in an Attempt to Woo Penn Students

While polls put Senator Casey ahead of Lou Barletta the race for the U.S. Senate, this date night may be just the blatant pandering strategy that could put him over the edge in November.


4 Things to Say to Convince Your Friend You Listened to Her WQHS Show

“I loved your show the other day, where you either talked or played music.”


Poetry Professor Removes Plaid Sportcoat Before Seminar Climax

Eyewitness reports are confirming that Bert Saltalamacchia, Professor of English, took off his plaid sportcoat while delivering a feverish finale to his three hour seminar on Blake.


Progressive Slap Cup Rule Update Replaces Bitch Cup With Meanie Cup

The American Society of Slap Cup (ASSCup) announced Friday that they had updated the rules of the popular drinking game Slap Cup to reflect calls for a more progressive game.


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