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Locust Walk Now Locust Run

“Students aren’t motivated enough,” Henry Williams Chief Officer of Campus Activity said. “I see them out here wasting time all day long. Well you know what? Time’s up. No more leisurely strolls. No more catching up with friends. This world is a rat race. In a few years, you’re going to have a mortgage to pay off, so run, don’t walk, to that Bain Info Session."


Rising Freshman: “Omg, How Many AP’s Are you Taking Next Semester?”

"It’d be awful if I had to find validation in something other than some arbitrary test score from a soulless, money-grubbing corporation.” 


Penn Researchers Unable to Determine Why the Rhythm Room Exists

Everyone is confused when they go to the Cinemark and remember that there is, for whatever reason, a bar inside of it. 


Incoming Freshman Wants to Major in Econ Because It's 'Interesting'

“Econ is definitely on my mind right now. I don’t know, the whole study — the field itself — is so interesting to me, you know?” 


President Amy Gutmann Crosses 33rd St DMZ, Becomes First Penn President to Visit Drexel

"This marks a new chapter in relations between our two great institutions." 


Summertime Magic! Formerly Popular Student Transforms Into a Friendless Hermit

According to sources close to McMillan, he has also forsaken kindness, self-respect, and basic human decency since leaving the Social Ivy. 


OP-ED: I Don’t Have a Foot Fetish, I’m Just Really Passionate About Toes

I think God gave us toes not because we need them, but because they’re nice to look at.  


Fuck It: Who Wants to Buy Pics of My Feet?

People have been clamoring for pictures of my feet for decades. Ever since 1998, my feet have been my best quality, hands down. 



Penn Ranked 15th in Order of Colleges Listed On Dropdown Menu When You Type “University of Pennsylvania”

These schools only exist to confuse Penn students who are just trying to sign into their Xfinity on Campus accounts.


No Bueno: Beto O’Rourke and Cory Booker Fail Spanish 110

The two candidates found a CITsender email in their inboxes, informing them that their grades for Spanish 110 had been posted. Both opened the emails to find that they had received an F in the class. 


Fox News' Tucker Carlson Reports: First Democratic Debate Who?

In their defense, Fox News hopped right into discussion after the debate had finished. "This is Tucker Carlson reporting from a green screen of the Democratic debates in China. This just in. Democrats: do they exist? And if so, I think I might hate them. Back to you, Jim." 


OP-ED: I Joined A Sorority For The Sisterhood. Now, I Have Herpes

There are so many things that make being in a sorority amazing: mixers with fraternities across campus, philanthropy events, my new raging case of herpes, and the next three years which I am blessed to spend as an older role model to my future sisters! 


Horrifying! Ambitious Student Intentionally Creates, Unleashes Minions in Chem Lab

 “Why did it have to be minions? Let’s be real, we would be drowning in grant money had that kid made Flubber instead.” 


Sad! Hypebeast Intern Disappointed Supreme Court Justices Own Nothing from Supreme

In a crushing wave of disappointment, Sandez then realized that the Supreme Court was in fact not the legal branch of the fashion company Supreme. 


Penn Medicine, Confused, Moves 12.5-ton Sphincter for the First Time in 93 Years

For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby! 


Student Living at Home Schedules House Meeting After Roommates Come Home Drunk from Aunt Linda’s Again

“Really you two?? I thought you raised me to never act like this,” said Samantha. 


Breaking: Low-Tier Frat Bro Already Practicing His "Take a Lap" for Upcoming NSO Season

“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”  


Rick is Back, Baby! Penn Book Center to Be Replaced by Frontera

"Kicking Rick out last semester really left a bad taste in our mouths — we knew we had to make it up to the poor guy."


Yikes! Sophie’s Facebook Suggested Friends Are Literally All Demons from Her Past

 “I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” lamented Patterson, "I ghosted those people for a reason, Facebook."


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