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Liberals Use Santa As COVID Propaganda

Santa can't get sick? Well guess what, neither can I! 

Get Fucked, Idiots! The P Stands for Penis

Now every time you rep the Red and Blue, you’re actually repping some collegiate chode! 

An Ivy League Student’s Guide to Reading Analog Clocks

Try saying “quarter to twelve”, “half-past ten”, or “a third into fourteen.” These phrases will throw that unwieldy math back at your audience, forcing them to be the ones to struggle with fractions.

Trump to Pass New Stimulants Package

Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi were upset that this package was detracting publicity away from their months of hard work on the stimulus package, but then they both did a line of cocaine and felt a lot better!

Breaking: Second Lockdown! Not Like You Losers Had Friends Anyway

Few words can comfort, but take solace in the fact that you were kind of a loser anyway.  

In Solidarity With Jewish Friends, Atheist Also Does No Homework On Saturdays

It should be noted that Morgan is a chronic procrastinator with an essay due on Monday.  

How to Tell Your Mom You’re Dating a SoundCloud Artist

Mom, all I’ve ever wanted to do is make you proud. I hope that you’re supportive, come to accept him into our family and don’t mind if he occasionally showers in our house. 

Profs. Encourage Group Work, but Not Collaboration

Have all this group assignments been for nothing? 

The Effects of Global Warming: Students No Longer Returning to Nest on College Green

Crikey, this is sad. To see such a luscious pasture transform into a barren moonscape, devoid of life. Maybe they’ll come back if we scatter some poppers on the ground. Haha, I don’t know!

Emaciated Husk of a Human to "Finish Semester Strong"

Willie Abbott (C ‘22), who has juggled a 5.5 credit course load, familial obligations, and latent mental illness for the past couple of months, is reportedly ready to end this year on a good note.

Friend Who Does Cocaine Worried About Health Effects of Wearing Mask

Liam has already suffered the effects of the damn mask and blames his tyrant governor for crippling his young body. When he wakes up his body trembles, he suffers almost constant nose bleeds and his heart is always racing.  

Best DIY GF Gift: Letting Her Finish First!

Who said chivalry is dead? 

Student Spotlight: Penn Undergrad The Lorax Accepts Internship At ExxonMobil

Would you rather have that nasty oil in the ground? / Or have it used for sweet, sweet energy all around?

Student Combines Everyone's Canvas Discussion Comments Into One Ultimate Comment At the Last Minute

Both sides presented very compelling points. I totally agree. 

Student With Imposter Syndrome Spotted Faking Tasks

He could just be intimidated by the intense culture here, and I don’t blame him for covering up when Penn Face is so bad these days.

Pretty Rainbow WordArt and 5 Other Ways To Gently Tell Yourself That Penn Won't Be Reopening in January

You’re all thinking it, and you’re all too afraid to say it.

Dean Furda's Spirit Emerges As Student Repeatedly Chants “Interdisciplinary” Into Mirror

The lights flickered, curtains billowed, and a faint “Hurrah, hurrah, Pennsylvan-i-a” wailed in the distance. 

Excited for New Years? So Is Satan as He Sets Clock Back One Year to Repeat Hell Loop

When asked to comment, he told UTB that he didn’t really want to spoil any big surprises for 2020 2.0, but wants to bring back one of his favorite characters from the past in a big way: the killer clowns of 2016. 

Gregory College House to Finally Get Air Conditioning in 2087

"Since we kicked kids off campus this semester, they will be so desperate to move into on campus housing that they won't even have time to complain about the lack of AC," explained Gutmann.

US Joins Haiti, Iraq, and Other “Shithole Countries” in Anti-Abortion Coalition

“By signing such a staunchly medieval declaration with authoritarian regimes, the United States itself is becoming a shithole country,” said Pompeo. “And now that we are a shithole country, people from other shithole countries won't want to immigrate here anymore. The plan is flawless.”