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Mask and Wig to Accept Women, Only if They're Hot Though

Penn’s Mask and Wig Club, the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States, will welcome members of all genders for the 2022-2023 academic year, as long as they are physically attractive to current members.


How to Get a Bid From Any Frat in 30 Seconds

Even though dirty rush is 3 months long, if you move them hips with a purpose and you talk really fast, all it really takes is 30 seconds to lock in that early bid. 


Climate Week: Residential Halls Replace Toilet Paper With Sandpaper to See if Anyone Notices

Yes, it's good for the environment. Who needs beaches anyway?


Emotional! White Frat Boy From Connecticut Admits That He Resonates Deeply With Kendrick Lamar’s Hit Song “M.A.A.D. City”

"Lamar talks about growing up and seeing what gang life does to a person - one time, I saw a homeless man outside of the Whole Foods I go to everyday after practice for sushi."


OP-ED: They Should Replace Amy Gutmann With a White Guy

The Girlbosses have taken it too far. We need an intervention.


Student Unfortunately Cannot Locate G-Spot West

It probably doesn’t actually exist. 


Student Secures Boyfriend to Connect Laptop to AirPennNet

It has since been revealed that Newark, set to graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Neuroscience next spring, has been using AirPennNet–Guest on her various tablets since NSO freshman year. 


Facing Pressure from Divestment Activists, Penn Unveils Second Climate Week

It's no divesting from fossil fuels, but it's a pretty close second.


OP-ED: We Need a Moratorium on the Word “Neoliberal” Until I Figure Out What it Means

 Maybe through defining that which isn’t neoliberal I can escape this mental prison.


Castle Brother Found Innocent by Jury of Other Castle Brothers

A carefully selected jury of the assailant's peers (bros) gathered around a courtroom (castle basement) to perform an objective and unbiased analysis of the night's events.


OP-ED: Frats Suck — Not Your Frat Though, Haha Noooo, You Guys Are Fine

Yeah lol, all that stuff I was saying about frat bros employing violence as a mechanism to assert masculinity obviously doesn’t apply to your frat since your members happen to be my friends. Haha dw, you guys are chill. 


Here’s Why I Endorsed My Pledgemaster for Management on LinkedIn

Needless to say, I was proper pledged and mastered.


Aw Shucks! Girl Next to You in Lecture Browsing Penn InTouch

She is free and you are not. What are you going to do?


REPORT: Kelly Writers' House Found to Be Even More Erotic Than Berlin Sex Clubs

Recent groundbreaking ethnographic research conducted by the Ginsburg Institute for the Amorous and Desirable has shown that the Kelly Writers’ House exudes more eroticism and sensuality than Berlin’s hottest sex clubs. 


I Don't Have Poor Connection, My Phone is Just Sweaty

What? What was that? Oh yeah, sorry. No, the service here is fine.


Op-Ed: &pizza is a Male-Dominated Space

Enough is enough. I think it’s finally time to address the gender relations within the setting society refers to as “&pizza.” 


FUCK! Not Again! I Dropped Another Fully-Cooked Lasagna Behind the Fridge

Why is there a massive gap between the refrigerator and the back wall that is the perfect size of a lasagna? 


PSA: Don't Leave Your Bag Unattended. I'm Rifling Through it Right Now.

I’m just an everyday guy trying to promote theft awareness on campus.


Queer King: My Roommate Just Came Out as 'Sapiosexual'

Be sure to wish Cam a hearty congratulations for being queer AF!


Whimsical Girls Will Now Be Administered Mood Stabilizers To Enter Kelly Writers House

This CDC-approved and, in the words of Fauci himself, “awesome” drug is used to soothe the idiosyncratic and manic tendencies of girls whose behavior worsens in creative spaces like the Kelly Writers House. 


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