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Student Dismayed to Find Out Senior Spring Doesn’t Really Start Until You Have a Job

I’m now more determined than ever to get a job so that at least I’ll be able to slack off during April.


OP-ED: Why I Can Only Masturbate to the Canterbury tales

If you’ve ever heard an effectively pre-pubescent high school boy stutter through the prologue of The Canterbury Tales that he was forced to memorize by an English teacher somewhere along the line, then you’ll understand why Chaucer makes me wet.


Meet the CIS 160 Student Who Hasn’t Slept Since Syllabus Week

There has not been a single night since syllabus week when I haven’t had to stay up to finish a problem set.


"I'm So Busy I Barely Have Time to Eat," Says Student Who Drinks 7 Days a Week

By the time I tend to my midterms, improv practice, my work-study job, improv shows, and maintaining my hilarious Twitter brand, I barely have time to eat.


Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part VI

We're spoiling you this year with a part ii of the UTB staff's V-day creations.


Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part V

Why are y'all gagging — we give it to you every Valentine's day.


OP-ED: Penn Should Teach More Practical Skills, Like How to Get a Dental Student to Marry Me

Having the intellectual tools to find my future spouse, who is most certainly a practitioner of the dental arts, will be an indispensable life skill.


Wow! This Student Spent the Entire Class Period Choosing Between Two Pairs of Shoes and Made No Final Decision

Despite claims that she has “no time” to do the dishes, clean her room, or make plans with friends, she found an entire hour in her schedule to browse through four websites for shoes during class. 


Political Science Student Bases Entire Political Knowledge on John Oliver Specials

Pearson has stopped attending lectures and instead sits in his Radian apartment, rewinding the comedy specials in the dark, chuckling manically at the dry humor of the bespectacled man he considers to be his Knowledge God. 


Courage Personified: This Foreign Girl Smokes All Over Penn’s Tobacco-Free Campus

Morozov inhales tar deep into her lungs as often as she can.


"I'll Just Ace the Final" and Five Other Signs You're About to Fail This Course

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it just looks a lot like a C. In early days of February, here are a few signs that you’re already going to fail this course.


Frat Boy Ghosts Frat Dog, Felt "Man's Best Friend" was a Little Too Clingy

Yet almost as quickly as their star rose, it fell. With the loss of Highrise Field, Riddick and Bear’s split seemed almost foretold. 


Architecture Major Disappointed She Doesn't Feel Like Ted Mosby Yet

Victoria Rivers was so inspired when Ted Mosby became the youngest person to ever design a skyscraper in NYC that she declared her major right after the episode aired.


OP-ED: Even Slackbot Won’t Respond to My Messages

There was just something about her mix of confidence and humility that I was immediately attracted to. With no options left, I shot my shot.


Amazon Prime Takes Over all Big-Little Week Deliveries

Sorry fraternity pledges, but your startup is about to go under.


OP-ED: I've Fucked Penn 4 Times, And He's Still Making Me Go on Air-Penn Net Guest

I guess I could just stop by the ITA desk and get it done in a night, but I don’t want to be shady. He should be begging me to get on his wifi. 


Join My Team: Wharton Student Prepares for Fruitful Career in Pyramid Scheme

According to the company’s website, “each paying participant recruits two further participants, with returns being given to early participants using money contributed by later ones."


Practical! Club Recruitment Chairs Set Students' Self-Esteem Ablaze To Stay Warm This Winter

"We literally turn on the AC during interviews. Setting fire to these kids’ dreams and confidence can really make me break a sweat."


Feminism Sent Back 50 Years After Announcement of Friday’s Mixer Theme

Many found the theme, announced Wednesday night, of “Moms that bake, Daddy’s that bring home the bacon” to be both a loss for the female gender and also incredibly pre-professional.


Exploring Philadelphia: This Junior Has Been to Every Green Line Cafe

His other favorite attractions include “boutique coffee shops” from Powelton Village to Center City to Queen Village.


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