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SAC Fair Opens New Horizons: Perhaps I Am the Perfect Candidate for Swing Dancing

Despite never taking a dance class in my life, the representatives regard my pudgy legs and deem them “perfect for our types of choreography.”

Penny For Your Thoughts; Miss, For a Dollar; And Other Ways to Ask for a Letter of Recommendation

Imagine you came up with these awesome email ideas but are still struggling to get that letter. You’re seeing people around you. They’re going to career fairs. Where are you? Wilcaf. Writing satire. They have jobs. You don’t. They’ve been accepted to their abroad programs. You haven’t. 

Op-Ed: I’m Going Abroad to Gregory College House

I want to explore the world! I want my mind, body, and soul to experience different environments, different cultures, different halal carts, even! 

DRL’s Exposed Lead Pipes Reported to Cause Hallucinations: Students Claiming Encounters with Mythical Beings such as Attractive Math Majors and Clean Engineers

In response to this crisis, Penn has decided to remove all plumbing in DRL until 2028.

The Mirrors in DRL Remind Me I Belong There

As I hobbled down the hallway, I took a quick glance to my left and saw my reflection.

Photo Essay: A Tour of Penn's Campus with Coin for Scale

Now you know how large these buildings are, as well as the color of my nails. 

Rookie Mistake: Freshman Confused Why NOTO So Hard To Find at “Club” Fair

The people manning the booths were completely unfashionable and some clubs – see MERT – even prided themselves on NOT being drinking clubs.

After SFFA v. Harvard, What’s Next for Affirmative Action at Penn? We Asked Two White Guys and the Daughter of a Shanghainese Billionaire

 Through candid conversation, a consensus emerges: we should have affirmative action for rich people.

Ugh! My Nespresso Package Got Stolen From My Off-Campus-Brownstone-Penthouse-Suite Doorstep

Is this some sort of karmic retribution for my entitlement, is the world mocking my self-assuredness, in an attempt to prove me woefully wrong?

In Honor of Jimmy Buffett’s Life, Liz Magill to Host Margarita Social on College Green This Weekend

“If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.” – Jimmy Buffett

Breaking: MERT to Implement Appointment-Only Booking System

Just like other highly effective and admirable organizations here (I'm looking at you, CAPS), MERT understands the basics of supply and demand.

Oh Melancholia! How I Felt When I Learned That I Was Excluded From the Hill 1-Green “Fake IDs” Group Chat

Turns out they were a group order of fakes in their own right. 

New Survey Finds Penn Students Chill AF, Move Different, Smoke That Chronic

Magill responded to the findings via IG story: "We are so back."

If 1 in 5 People in the World Are Actually Chinese, Why Do I Still Have No Ethnic Friends?

My lightweight rowing team also, suspiciously, is all white. Any group of 5 that I create out of them has no Chinese people in it at all.

Help! I'm Trapped in the Recursive Windows of Path@Penn!

 Fellow explorer of the unchartered territories of Path@Penn, if you find this, please tell my friends and family that I love them.  And please tell the professor that I am unable to drop the class, as I am dead.  

Ok Hypocrite: My Dad Tells Me To Study Hard for Finals After Failing His Paternity Test

He’s just a man to me. I always wondered why I looked Wasian despite having a white dad. Well now I know, this fool failed the test.

Red, Blue…Too Many Colors! Incoming Freshman Doesn’t Know Whether to Throw Up Crip or Blood

These freshmen just come to their Quaker Day, see a mirage of colors, grab the first bandana they see, and get straight to the felonies.

Fuck Summer Internships, I Want to Be Remembered for My Art

Internships are seasonal, art is forever.