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Dad Checks Watch, Longs for WWII Podcast He Saved for Ride Home From Family Weekend

Adam was enduring his sixth hour at Penn and ninth hour of “family time” that day.


Bhad Bhabie Hired to Lead Wharton Venture Lab

Bregoli recently had a moving speaking engagement at Oxford University, which is a big deal if you pronounce your r’s weirdly and can’t cook.


Intersectionality Win! CAS Boy Dates Wharton Boy

He did corporate finance, I wrote about instability in the middle east... we are the posterboys for diversity at Penn. <3


Here Are 5 Places on Campus for Woeful English Majors to Brood in And/ Or Weep At

The closest I will ever come to that 10-dollar lox sandwich 


Pranked Again! Quake Puts Lube in Dinning Hall Hand Sanitizer Dispensers

The magazine, known for printing students' grainy low lit nudes and try hard poetry, is venturing into pranks as performance art.


After Two Months of College My Body Consists of Primordial Soup

It just needs a zap of electricity to make some basic monomers.


Performance Art! Watch Me Eat a Pret Salad in the Reading Room

I wish you could see me now, Moelis Family.


Lovesick? Heatsick? I’m Sick of You TAC-E Bitches

They'll try their hardest for a quirky play but settle for generic titles and promotions likeeee??



“He Is JP Morgan” and 7 Other Lies to Tell About What Your Dad Does

And look at that — you made a new friend, scaled Penn’s social ladder, and are now one degree of separation from the heir to the Funyuns fortune. Not bad, right?


OP-ED: Penn Period Project Needs to Up Their Inclusivity (The Free Tampons Were Too Petite for My Monstrous Heavy Flow)

Erm… as if there’s a “regular” type of period to have.


Hello, I Am Applying to Your DEI Committee as a White Person Who Calls My Asian Girlfriend Mi Amor

She calls me gringo and I call her Mi Amor.


I’m Just Trying to Figure Out What Sport You Play, Not Look at Your Boobs

Ponytailed or French braided? On foot or scooter? There is a myriad of sports she could play.


Big Spreadsheet Open on Laptop Next to Me — Now I Know All the Financial Secrets of America’s Largest Corporations!

How did this man have access to all this information? The answer may shock you.


Stupid Girl at Berghain Doesn’t Understand Going to Penn Kind of a Big Deal Where I’m From

I return to my friends and relay a successful tale of rizz. They are impressed. I have done it again, they say.


Sorry I Said Your Writing Was Horrendous, Worthless, Asinine, and Elementary, I Was Just Hungry

I return having smoked a cigarette and eaten a Quest Bar. Dear Sir, your writing was great!


Joy of Extra Hour of Sleep No Match for Horrors of 4:45 PM Sunset

If this is the price we must pay, I say let the daylight go unsaved.


Students Watching Math 104 YouTube Videos Extremely Educated About Fetterman’s Campaign

They can correctly answer how long Oz lived in New Jersey, but have zero clue what the chain rule is.


OP-ED: Halloween is Unnecessary, We Already Constantly Live in Fear

Sure, ghosts, zombies and vampires are scary, but wouldn’t we rather face poltergeists and the undead than face loneliness, ostracization, apathy, and disappointed parents? 


I Paid My Tuition Bill and Now the Dean Has a Fresh Fade

Like what the fuck is Magic Gardens and how is it going to impact the economy? 


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