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Little Timmy Claims “Freedom of the Pursuit of Happiness,” Avoids Cleaning Room

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a kid looking to defend my freedoms. My mom said I had to clean my room, but Thomas Jefferson said I didn't have to."


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Breaking: Gutmann Sets Sights on Gentrifying Germany Next

After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.


Going Out With A Bang! Gutmann Sells Stouffer College House To Old Wizard For Seven Rubles

Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.


Gutmann to Become Ambassador to Germany, Pending Final Grade in GRMN-104

Gutmann has already packed twelve Michael Kors bags full of Dirndls and pantsuits, and she now only responds to “Präsidentin Gutmann.”


Branding Shift! New Penn Bookstore Promotion Advertises 2-For-1 Colostomy Bag Deal

So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.


Lonely Teen Finds Cool New Summer Friend: Mom

For one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool new friend: Mom. 


Fighting Couple Amends Sign “I Love You to the Moon and Back” to “I Love You to at Least the Grocery Store”

"Sue, I do not love you to the moon and back. Do you know how far that is?! Do you know how long that would take to travel?"


About Time! Penn Freshman Finally Graduates High School

Never go back to high school. Once you escape that place, run.


Woke King! This Guy’s Type Is Ivy-League Educated Women of Color

This white man truly does not discriminate at all! 


Op-Ed: Why Gentrification Is Okay When I Do It

I think it's fine, so it is. 


Simulation Glitch: Women Over 45 Open Mouths, Portuguese Comes Out

Women over 45 worldwide closed their eyes on Saturday night, oblivious to the fragility of their existence, and awoke Sunday morning fluent in Portuguese. 


Ally Behavior! This Straight Woman Does Poppers

"Yeah, she would not stop doing poppers that night," Ryan's other gay friend Josh Compas (C '21) told us, "We were like, 'what are you doing,' but she just kept chanting 'hashtag queen shit' over and over, and then I said, 'it's literally Pride Month, Nicole,' and she was like, 'exactly.'"


Translation Guide: Understanding the Father Tongue

Your key to a genuine conversation this Father's Day!


Happy Daddy's Day from Under the Button

The top 3 signs that you is Daddy



Change Up! Dad Who Usually Complains About Never Seeing Kids Now Wants Kids Permanently Out of House

"I don't know what happened, but those kids are little monsters," said Mr. Jackson in an interview, "now I understand what that phrase 'too much of a good thing' means." 


“Daddy’s Cummies” Deemed Completely Kosher; to be Served at Hillel This Fall

Get ready to gobble and slurp your Daddy’s cummies at Hillel this fall!


UTB's Guide for Surviving Movie Sex Scenes With Dad

Excited for quality time with Papa, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.


Celebrate Dad by Recreating That BBQ Shown During the Side Effects of Every Medication Ad

There's still time to string together the one thing that Dad has been hoping for: that idealized fantasy picnic shown during the side effects of every medication ad. 


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