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Here's a List of Philly Neighborhoods That Don't Exist But Sound Pretty Hip

Wanna SEPTA to Pussyank this weekend?


Breaking: Chronic Masturbator Totally Edging during Gender Studies Lecture on Pornography

 This class asked its students to examine: What is pornography? What makes something pornographic? For Thompson, and many others like him, the answer is absolutely everything. 


Professor Totally Forgot About Course Evaluations, Just Brought Donuts for No Reason

Make sure to take an extra donut as you type, and remember that I also brought in Pop Ems too. 


Past His Peak! Braden Will Have You Know That He Ran At Penn Relays In Middle School

“Oh! Wow! Penn Relays is going on right now?” said Braden in an interview, clad in his old high school track uniform and Penn Relays hat. “I literally had no idea. But while we’re on the subject…”  


OP-ED: I Wear a MAGA Hat Just so Someone Will Make Eye Contact with Me

People who would ordinarily have never glanced up from their phones will now spend ten whole seconds reading my hat before looking — straight into my eyes — to see who the asshole in the MAGA hat is.


OP-ED: I’m Dead Inside and Steal My Roommate’s Shampoo for the Rush

It started like all great cons do, out of necessity.


Resourceful: Guy Puts Meme in Presentation to Mask Own Unpreparedness

Last Tuesday, certified class clown Brian Cobb (C ‘22) inserted a hilarious meme into his English presentation. His fellow students, who came in expecting a serious analysis of the poetry of Geoffrey Chaucer, were nonetheless impressed with Cobb’s resourcefulness.


Breaking: Old White Man in DP Comments Section Has Solution to Curing Democracy of All Corruption!

Thompson has said that he will continue his good work, keeping our democracy clean and pure by commenting on burgeoning journalists posts with “WRONG!” and “lame.” 


OP-ED: Don't Even Talk to Me Until I've Had My Poppers

I'm basically a monster before I get my poppers. Know what I mean?


Residential Services Tries to Sublet Entire Quad for Summer

Looking to sublet a spacious, castle-like structure with definitely, at least, some bedrooms from late May — very early August.


Oops! Junior Misses Hey Day, Has to Repeat College

Per university policy, Kroll was immediately re-enrolled as a freshman. A College Office staffer commented that “the administration believes Hey Day is so irrevocably entwined with the Junior Experience™ that any student who misses it can hardly be allowed to be called a Penn student at all.”


Sad! This Boy Hasn't Gotten a Notification on His Phone All Class

Everyone knows you’re supposed to send a text message right before class, so you have a response when you get out.


Not Again! Getting in WilCaf Line at 10:59 Makes Sarah Late to Class Again

Why does it need to take A WHOLE MINUTE for me to order, pay, and receive my complicated espresso drink made with a mixture of non-dairy milks?! 


Biden Entering Race to Prove Hillary Would Have Won If She Had a Penis

The white, centrist, establishment democrat was leading in the polls even before he announced his candidacy. Many voters say they were drawn to him because of his history in politics, his age, and because he doesn’t have a vagina, which would automatically disqualify him from the position for obvious reasons. 


RESULTS: Penn Individual Student Survey

Over 400 students completed the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) over the past few days, a number which has surpassed every other UTB survey ever conducted.


Oh Fuck: Exam Is Cumulative

You haven’t even glanced at that material since the night before the first midterm. Hell, you haven’t glanced at the new material either, so now you’re doubly screwed. 


Clever! Senior Redacts 65% of Final Paper

That’s why, when it came time to submit his final report for PSCI 237 (The Science of Why Political Science Is a Science, We Swear), Moller knew that he had to do something creative. His report was a mess, and there was no time to edit.


Incoming Freshman: Take Advantage of Your Peer Advisors Before They Ghost You for the Next Four Years

You will inevitably pick the wrong ones, fail the first midterm, and not learn about the add/drop deadline until it's far too late. 


Cinema Studies Department Cancels Classes in Anticipation of Game of Thrones Aftermath

Statisticians predict with 80% certainty and a 5% margin of error that the Penn Quaker himself will not survive, despite a flawless 200-year combat record.


I Don’t Date Temple Boys Because I’m Scared of Mumps, and Also a Raging Elitist

Mumps. Just the mumps. I could see the mumps on him. Smell them.


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