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COVID-19 Can't Enter This Party Because It Doesn’t Know a Brother

"Wait, is that James from econ? He may be coughing and feel a bit hot but it must be from how sick and wild his night has already been." Frat doormen have an uncanny ability to diagnose COVID right on the spot and turn away those who they deem dangerous. 

Big Data: Check Out This Humongous Data

All of those majestic, flowing, glistening green stripes. What ever could it mean? I haven’t the slightest. They say to truly understand big data, you have to listen to at least fifty hours of Kraftwerk. Hey, don’t look at me. I don’t make the rules here.

With Quadruple Monitor Setup, Sophomore Attends 4 Classes At Same Time

“What's great about the set-up is that instead of sitting in lecture for 4 or 5 hours a day, I only need to sit in lecture for 1 hour."

"Hot Tub Protocol, but Like Always" Frat Chad Explains Social Distancing

"People have been telling me 'wear a mask," and 'social distance' for months but I never really understood what that meant. I'm so used to being able to do whatever I want that I felt that those measures were oppressive and didn't apply to me."

On-Campus Housing Students Assigned Prison Wardens for the Fall

On the bright side, students are fed three meals a day from Penn Commons, which thankfully did not have to downgrade their food for the prison environment. 

To Replicate Freshman Experience, Penn Residential Services to Shut Off Warm Water to Your House at Random Points in Day

“So I was showering last week, and suddenly the water went cold and the pipes in the wall started shaking and gurgling,” Rochester excitedly told UTB. “If I close my eyes, it’s like I’m really in a shared bathroom in KCECH! So cool.”

Fuck! I Have To Hang Out With My High School Friends Even More?

No, Dan, I do not want to come to your hot tub party with Kayla and Karen, I don’t care how much Corona beer you have.  

Surviving Online Hazing: A Comprehensive Guide

If they tell you to get naked on camera, tell them you live in a multigenerational home and that your grandma is in the room.

Penn Offers New Option for Students Who Cannot Live at Home: Euthanasia

“We hear you. We understand you. We stand by you. If you can’t live at home during the fall semester, why live at all?”

New Option for Stored Belongings: Incineration, $75 per Box

“We felt like these were very complicated times, so to help put students at ease, we’ve decided to simplify the stored belongings process.”

Survey: 100% of Wharton Students Used Quarantine to Launch Their Startups

Some may say that an SAT tutoring company is not a startup, but a group-of-students-that-made-an-account-with-Squarespace doesn't have the same ring to it. 

OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late I Couldn’t Find the Zoom Link

Hey I’m so sorry can you resend me the zoom link for today? Ugh, I know, I don’t know why I keep losing it. 

Jeremy Shows Patriotism by Hosting Super-Spreader Labor Day Picnic

"I keep a countdown of days until Labor Day like most people keep countdowns until Christmas," Jeremy explained. "One pesky little virus isn't going to stop me from enjoying the holiday I love." 

Sophomore Holds Out 'Til Zoom Call Ends Before Devolving Into Loathsome, Slovenly Creature

“You mean to tell me that her eager, cheerful, and studious demeanor was nothing more than a facade to obscure the odious and slothful beast lying within?” Amy Knox (C ‘23) asked in disbelief. “But she always volunteers first whenever the professor asks a question!”

Penn Frosh Excited to Thrive at Penn in Pain at Home

So what if I’m stuck at home with overbearing parents, shitty wifi, and the inability to go beyond my backyard?

Please, No More: Sophomore Desperate After Fifth Wholesome, Home-cooked Meal of Week

Steffey, a former Rodin resident who feels more at home with empty calories in one hand and a canister of high-fructose corn syrup in the other, has struggled to stomach his new meal plan.

Stop Complaining! Online School Means My Mom Packs My Lunch

My mom's lunch ensures that I will get at least two fruits and veggies, a sandwich (PB&J with the crusts cut off), a glass of milk, and two Oreos. With a wide variety of fruits and veggies including carrot sticks, celery sticks, apple slices, pear slices, peach slices, and strawberries, I'm consistently and dare I say eagerly left guessing what's for lunch.

Woke! Penn Students Engage in Mutual Aid by Finally Venmoing Me Back for Brunch

Penn students are coming to terms with what they owe to those around them. Finally taking decisive action, my fellow students have begun redistributing funds back into my Venmo to cover the cost of brunch from last spring. 

OP-ED: It Would Be Really Awesome If They Found a Vaccine

This pandemic has been pretty tough on everyone. For example, the other day I made soup and it took a long time. So frustrating! :/ 

Leaders in Every Field Announce Kelsey’s Twitter Has Never Been Wrong on Anything

Costello did not respond to a request from Under the Button for comment. Those close to Costello say she wasn't surprised by the news and, felt that something like this was coming.