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Formal Fail: Champagne and Shackled to a Radiator

Worst blind date I've ever been on. 


Huge L: Student Flubs Every Locust Interaction on Way to Class

We're going to take Locust today. It's going to be fine.


Coffee Chat: Carson Kahoe on Why He's Breaking Up with His Girlfriend

UTB's resident bon-vivant Lauren Sorantino sat down with Carson Kahoe, the Director of Without a Net, for the third episode of UTB Coffee Chats, brought to you by Gia Pronto Kitchen.


UTB Cribs: Brad's Sexy Bachelor Pad on Locust

Yeah, uh, it's a tent. 


Coffee Chat: Julia Bell on All the Things No One is Talking About

UTB Reporter Lauren Sorantino sat down with Julia Bell from Bloomers for yet another episode of UTB Coffee Chats, brought to you by Gia Pronto Kitchen. 


Meet the Student Whose Power Never Turned Back On

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Backpack Full of Chili 3: Chili Full of Backpacks

A cinematic masterpiece from UTB. 


‘Rush is Just About Personality Fit!’ Says Rich Hot Friend

Aimee Brooks (W ’23), a freshman who hails from Chelsea, Manhattan and identifies as “old money,” is under the impression that this system is ultimately fair and unbiased.


Ranking Women by Susan’s Personal Opinion is Actually Feminist, Assures Pan-Hellenic

“Feminism is all about empowering Susan, as well as those that Susan deems worthy of empowerment,” said the head of Penn Pan-Hellenic. "I promise we haven't misunderstood the concept."


Professor Submits Final Grades Late, Now HE Loses Half a Letter Grade

Well, well, well, would you look at that: it’s syllabus policy revenge time.


Guest Column by Nation’s Jewish Mothers | My Kid Should Be on SNL

Last night at dinner, I was having my son Daniel reenact bits by my favorite stand-up comedians, and let me tell you: he was a riot. He performs them perfectly, just like Jerry Seinfeld. Daniel's grandmother and I could not stop laughing! 


What’s at the Bottom of the Hill Dining Hall Peanut Butter?

 But the time has come; the time for mankind to discover what lies at the bottom of the peanut butter tub.  


OP-ED: Here’s Why I Need All 64 Outlets At This Airport Gate

Oh you want to know if I’ll give up any of the outlets I’m occupying? Well gosh, let me think about that. I certainly can’t unplug my space heater or my portable air conditioning, lest my body temperature stray from this equilibrium. I guess I could give up the plug for my massage chair, but it’s just not that comfortable when it’s just sitting in one place.


Sophomore Develops Nicotine Addiction in Preparation for Semester Abroad in Europe

There is nothing as handsome as a man with a cigarette. He might be showing early signs of lung cancer but he’s sure to have a hell of a time abroad. 


Amy Gutmann Drops Lo-Fi Study Beats Playlist

“I know how stressful this time of year can be for students. Remember, I was a student myself! I had finals, too! I can relate. I’m a very relatable person,” she insists in the video's description.


Religious Student Writes ‘God Doesn’t Want Us to Know’ for Every Question on Astronomy Final

In ASTR 001, the stakes are high. No one in the class has ever seen a number before, and suddenly a professor who was involved in a Nobel Prize-winning experiment is trying to convince hundreds of emotionally concussed students that gravity can bend space.


OP-ED: Derek, I Know You're Reading This. Call Me Back.

Of course I resorted to this. I have everyone at The Daily Pennsylvanian as we speak, and I don't plan to let them go anytime soon. 


'I'm Done With Finals Already' Reports Annoying-Ass Bitch

He's actually not done with finals yet. He still has a final paper due on Friday. 


Oh No: Grandma Wants to Know Why Your Phone Alarm Goes Off at 9 P.M. Every Night

There’s a couple of potential answers to her inquiries. You could definitely lie and say you usually take a power nap at 8:35 PM while studying for finals, and you just forgot to turn the alarm off.


Oh Fuck: Kitchen Steam Headed Straight for Fucking Smoke Detector Fuckfuckfuckfuck

Wait, hold up. No way. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Smoke? I just wanted to fry up a late-night dish, and this is what I get? Oh shit oh fuck that’s a lot of steam


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