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Sophie Seems A Little Too Comfortable in Front of Her (1080p) Webcam

Even more apparent was her perfect 1080p 60fps video quality. It was top-of-the-line image perfection with every detail perfectly outlined on camera.


Penn Cracks Down on Visiting Other People's Animal Crossing Islands

"By visiting others, you could be putting yourself — and your loved ones — at risk, no matter how fun it is to break all your friends' rocks and run around whacking them with a net. Believe me, I know.”


CVS on 40th to Rebrand As 'Ye Olde Apothecarie Shoppe'

Per medical guidelines, Scorpios will not be allowed on the premises.


Penn Should Implement Universal Fail. Here’s Why.

A universal fail policy would ensure that no student will be forced to pass their classes, no matter their circumstances at home.


White Man’s Burden! Tommy Just Got a Podcast

College senior Tommy Anderson just got a podcast, and you’re gonna fucking listen to it.


OP-ED: Please Help I’m Addicted to Stream of Consciousness Writing Oh My God Oh My Lord This Is Beyond Awful

i swear i read james joyce one time just one time and this what i get how preposterous ludicrous wow this sucks but i keep coming back for more for more for more okay i must admit this is actually pretty liberating


Girl Not Answering Your Texts During Quarantine Probably Just Busy

If she had seen the "hey" that you sent four days ago at 3:24 A.M., blind drunk off of eight dollar Pinot Grigio and loneliness, she absolutely would have responded. Right?


Graduation Can Be In Person, But Everyone Must Be In Giant Hamster Balls

Most human-sized hamster balls have a 2-meter diameter, so you'll always be following CDC guidelines!


Breaking the Toilet: Lactose Intolerant Jessica Orders Another Whole Milk Latte

We emailed Wharton sophomore Justin Verdaux about his perspective on the (fecal) matter.


Penn Med Study Finds U.S. Only 5 Hours Behind Italy

The United States is as few as five hours behind Italy, and even fewer hours behind other countries.


OP-ED: I'm Hungies

YES! Let’s just smoke a cigarette. Delish! Nothing tastes better than that.


PSA: You Should Probably Wash Your Towel Now

I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but the time has come for you to take that towel and put it on the floor to be washed a month from now when you get to it. 


OFFICIAL SPRING 2020 GREEKRANK RANKINGS FLOORS OF VAN PELT (OFFICIAL)

Let’s be honest, this is how it is. This is probably going to be downvoted by the 4th floor but everyone knows they’re social climbers.


Students Denied From Frat-Sponsored Zoom Party

By midnight, the party was at maximum capacity and the poor west coast students, whose nights were just starting, were locked out from joining in the call.


OP-ED: The Airpods Stay In During Sex

These are AirPods pro. They have noise-canceling capabilities, so I can pleasure you without distraction and listen to my Gary V. podcast at the same time. 


Shit Hurts So Bad Just Want Her [Bobby’s Burger Palace] Back

The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.


Get Him! This Engineering Student Thinks JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Is Just “okay”

It’s high time we show him what happens when he messes with engineering students.


Vigilante Justice! Cough in This Recitation and You Will Be Squirt-Gunned With Green Apple Hand Sanitizer

Students everywhere are saying, “COUGHHH COUGCCougcuoguhghGHCOUGH.” 


Anyone Feel Like Sexting?

So, how about some sexting, eh? To pass the time? To make the most of a dire situation?


A Message From the Provost: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here

It’s closing time. Like Fresh Grocer or Bobby’s Burgers, time to get gone people.


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