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Girl Scouts Cookies? Sorry, I Only Buy From For-Profit Entities

Community Service? No thanks, I prefer community disservice. Next time you offer me a flier or ask me to buy from your bake sale, please don’t! I don’t need your handouts, I’m not a charity. You are!


Has This Generation Gone Too Soft? Not Me, Thanks to Himsᵀᴹ

Thanks to my once-daily prescription of chewable 80-mg sildenafil from the men’s telehealth provider Himsᵀᴹ, I’m unafraid of “cancel culture.” While others stay soft, I get so hard that I turn blue in the face.


Charlotte’s Surprise Pregnancy: Stingray Jesus or Classic Case of 2-Sharks-1-Stingray Threesome?

Is Charlotte the Virgin Mary of aquariums, or just a freaky lil gal...


Fiji Hosts Case Race for Palestine

I don’t know about you guys, but my money's on Fred the alcoholic. I heard that guy can pound ‘em back like there’s no tomorrow!


CS Student Swears He Didn’t Buy Apple Vision Pro To Watch VR Porn

“I’m interested in the metaverse. I’m excited for it as someone broadly interested in technology. But no I didn’t buy it for VR Porn”


OFSL to Offer Philanthropy Credit for Penn Global Seminars in “Third-World Countries”

Though Penn Global Seminar courses have deceptively claimed to broaden horizons and deepen cross-cultural understanding, OFSL’s new initiative clarifies that their true purpose is to provide “feel-good” service opportunities.


Israel Agrees to Ceasefire So Long as Palestine Renames Itself to Palestein

While you have heard compelling arguments supporting Israel and Palestine from experts at the top of their fields, (socialist girls and frat guys who have taken one poly sci class) breaking news shows that there is new information regarding the conflict. 



Antisemitism Does Not End Your Career, Bad Music Does: A Vultures Case Study

I’d rather listen to my dentist perform a root canal using some rusty drill



BREAKING: Penn to Restrict Legacy Status to Applicants Conceived at SkiBT

Penn will also extend special status to applicants whose parents were avid coke users throughout their time at Penn.


Open Letter to DP Editors: Who Cares? Spell Pharaoh.

‘you’re so hot! You’re the most professional girl in the world!’ 


Babe, Come Over! Let's Set Up My Blu-Ray Player and Watch Ramona and Beezus

Not a thing in the world compares to the love of two sisters.


Jon Huntsman to Reinstate Donation After “Feeling Represented” by Penn President For First Time Since 1993 All-Female Run

Huntsman is no stranger to diversity, boasting several years of global ambassadorship under his belt and more impressively and relevantly, an LDS mission to Taiwan


New PENNMATH Stan, Willing to Trade Ultra Rare Photocards to Complete a Prof G Collection

I have a few rare cards of my bias wreckers Cooper and Rimmer, but I am only willing to trade them for other rare Ghrist PCs


BREAKING: Penn To Arrest Every White Person in a Wasian Couple

 “We locked eyes in the ethnic food aisle in Trader Joe’s – right next to Trader Ming’s Kung Pao Chicken – and it was love at first sight.” 



Bugs are just Extra Protein: In Defense of 1920 Commons

If liking Commons is wrong, then I don’t want to be right


Hotshot Candidate for Penn Presidency Hosts Israeli Writers Conference in Genius Move

Kinda crazy no one else thought to do this


Classified Documents Leaked: Saint Anthony’s Hall Receives Record $84 Million Donation

The brotherhood rests on the pillars that diversity brings together individuals from a wide range of backgrounds.


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