Engineer Uses 4-in-1 Wash Every 1-in-4 Days
“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”
Most Recent
REPORT: Wilcaf Nepotism Responsible for Rising Student Unemployment Rate
Is this the end for meritocracy?
Engineer Uses 4-in-1 Wash Every 1-in-4 Days
“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”
Op-Ed: I’m Not Manspreading, I Shit Myself
Juulius Caesar
Sunday, Sept. 19, 2021Sun, Sep 19, 2021
I have often been accused of manspreading, but as a person who is plagued with anxiety and is barely confident enough to go grocery shopping without a friend, I can assure you this is not my goal.
REPORT: Wilcaf Nepotism Responsible for Rising Student Unemployment Rate
UTB Staff
Sunday, Sept. 19, 2021Sun, Sep 19, 2021
Is this the end for meritocracy?
Student Awakes from “Quick 20-minute Nap” In Time to Witness Heat Death of Universe
“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.”
Fact Check: Justin Bieber Was Not Made in America
Spending hundreds of dollars to see American-made pop stars and being duped into seeing a maple syrup manufacturer’s spawn — absurd
Op-Ed: You Heard So Much About Me? All Good Things I Hope, Haha
Yeah, for sure, let’s get dinner.
Help! I Took Adderall and Now I Am On Adderall
But now I am on the adderall, and the unfortunate thing is that I am, in fact, experiencing the sensation of being on adderall.
300 Professors Petition for Option to Teach Remotely After Receiving Pushback for Jerking Off In-Person
Though primarily a lengthy plea to Penn to let professors masturbate at home, the petition also cited mild concerns over the rising COVID-19 infection rates.
How to Pretend Like You Actually Read the New York Times
Mention that crosswording is not a hobby, it’s a state of mind.
Message to the Penn Community: Germany is Awesome :)
Seriously, I’m not hamming this up for the email or anything. I am genuinely having the time of my life. Hey — race you to the top of Hohenzollern Castle!
BREAKING: Guy in Class Would Like to Direct Group’s Attention to Another Page
At which point, the entire class shat pants.
Laterthat: This Baby Created a Jamba Juice Empire in Rural Utah
UTB Staff
Monday, Sept. 13, 2021Mon, Sep 13, 2021
So heartwarming!
Fuck: I've Already Farted in All of My Classes
I thought they would come out silently; you’d go about your day with nothing but a subtle, lingering taste of baba ganoush in your mouth, and I’d go about my day with the satisfaction of knowing that I put it there.
Penn, Do Better: Fisher-Bennett East Stairs Violate OSHA 1910.29(b)(1)
Penn, please do better. I don’t want to go over the balcony and turn myself into a pile of hairy strawberry ice cream. Especially in Fisher-Bennett Hall.
I’m On the REES Mailing List Because I Love Deleting Unread Emails
The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done. And there is no new thing under the sun.
Op-Ed: Vaccines are in their "Flop" Era
Juulius Caesar
Thursday, Sept. 9, 2021Thu, Sep 9, 2021
I was totally stanning vaccines like 3 months ago.
Gutmann’s Appointment to German Ambassadorship Wreaks Havoc on Relations between NATO Member States
Scott Newman
Wednesday, Sept. 8, 2021Wed, Sep 8, 2021
One of the brains behind the self-checkout cafe in the basement of Van Pelt library will soon advise on some of the most pressing geopolitical matters.
High Rise Residents Opt To Live In Tents On NCHW Grass
“Sure, Harnwell was a pretty decent place to live, but in comparison to NCHW, it’s like I was living in Guantanamo Bay.”
Reminder: You Are Always Unmuted in Person
“Oh no, not this cunt again.”
Op–Ed: Wanna See My Bruises?
I was already so trashed at that point.
