As a result, students will be required to spar the Penn Quaker mascot in a one versus one boxing match in order to determine whether they will remain enrolled.

Steve isn’t ready for that kind of emotional investment: “Are URBS 078 and I really that tight? I don’t think so.” 

We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 

Being vaccinated is a highly marketable skill, especially in the finance industry, since it means you’re healthy enough to fully exploit.

 The small class of 13 students took an in-depth tour of the glorified cafeteria to observe uncaring, brutalistic conformity in its most distilled form.

I feel so close to you but also still better than you, and that’s everything to me.

 He had been staring at the same problem for the past 5 hours, but he just could not figure out how many gangsters were expected to get their hat back.  

While at first, he was angry about his TA's decision to grade a credit/no-credit based on quality, Turner soon saw the light and realized he would get a lot more out of the class if he did an extra assignment to make up for the incomplete. 

Exams are upon us and students are stressed as usual. However, one generous Professor, Physicist Paul Heiney, won't let the end of the year kill his students.

That’s right: the on-campus grocery store is planning to restock on eggs, milk, toilet paper, and a host of other basic student necessities by 2031.

For starters, they believe that foreskin is gross.

Does this come with any long term side effects you should be worried about? No, just don’t think that hard about it.  

Make no mistake: I love to get on to begin with. The mere act of getting 1 on is already heaven to me. So you can imagine the elation of getting 2 on. 

At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from Covid tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies.

Hundreds if not thousands of students pass through Penn without once experiencing the wonder that is the poke bowl at Bento. No wonder people are so glum here.  

One guy claims heu2019s u201cvisiting family up in the Poconos.u201d Really, Marco? At least try to come up with something more obscure like Tionesta or Fulton County, for Peteu2019s sake. Weu2019re really scraping the bottom of the barrel of lies here.

In order to improve mental health resources on campus surrounding the issue, CAPS is distributing a pamphlet entitled "Why You Should Give Up Now." 

Do you want to be a parent, but don’t want to risk your kid being a total failure? Buy one of Amy Gutmann’s babies. 

 It's common knowledge that nobody understands engineers, not even engineers. They are emotionless, rigid, and only think in terms of numbers and esoteric jargon. But don't fear! UTB has compiled a list of phrases that are GUARANTEED to turn on your engineer love interest. 

 Surely, if we’ve already had Spring Break this year, we would remember it, right?