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Penn Improves on COVID Dashboard by Replacing Numbers With “This Is Fine” Meme

 If students were curious they could double click on the image which takes them to a page with the meme as an animated GIF so the flames move.  


Zoom Releases “Anti Pin,” to Hide the Ugly Motherfucker With Their Camera on in Lecture

Thank god Zoom has finally accommodated its users by letting us hide the bitch once and for all. 


Gray Area? Student Involved in Plagiarism Scandal Claims They Single-Handedly Authored "Battle of Agincourt" Wikipedia Article

An email from Bachar to their professor late Tuesday evening has been leaked in which they claim, “Look, this is deadass my writing! I don’t know what else you want me to say.


Fraternity Brother Tells Contact Tracer COVID Transmissible Through Zoom Lecture

Students have wrongfully pointed their fingers at Greek Life when, all along, it was the breakout rooms that lead to all the cases. 


Pandemic? Quarantine? It's 2019: Let's Get Some Shake Shack

Woah, are you okay man? That looked like a pretty nasty fall back there, but I’m glad you’re alright! Geez Louise, don’t scare me like that, bro.


OP-ED: In Defense of Staggering, Humiliating Failure (for My Enemies)

In fifty years, when my enemies look back on their lives, I want them to find peace knowing that they failed spectacularly, learned from it, and never crossed me again for as long as they lived.


Coming Soon: OrPizza, NorPizza, XorPizza, NotPizza

u00a0Thus, the Law of Total Probability is satisfied. u00a0


UTB Writer's Grandma Confident He'll Hit His Stride if Given Time

Evan has struggled to make the leap from cracking jokes at family dinners or retweeting funnier people to cranking out solid satire twice a week but his grandma was quick to point out that he was also slow to learn the alphabet.


CAN’T FOCUS IN ZOOM LECTURES? TRY COCAINE!

 Every time you look into the screen, do you just see a void of letters and numbers and symbols that don’t mean anything as they dance around the screen like monkeys bouncing off the walls after having too many bananas dipped in concentrated Monster Energy drink? 


It Just Looks Sooo Yummy! Freshman Makes It Big Food-Blogging 1920 Commons

The establishment is rapidly gaining prominence nationally and internationally, and is expecting to be awarded the third, coveted Michelin Star later this week.


UTB Enjoys Their Spring Stay

UTB kicks it back and makes the most of their spring stay!



Intro to Marketing Professor Calls for All Essays to be Written in Clickbait Format AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

"Stuart March (C’23) discovered how to achieve incredible results in the class with one simple trick and posted a picture of the email to Reddit with the title 'This is the LAST marketing class you’ll EVER need.'"


BREAKING: A New Annotation Has Been Added to Your Canvas Submission

That night, everything becomes clear under the ruthless moonlight. A new annotation has indeed been added to your canvas submission. MATH114 TA Bob Greisch has assessed your quiz and annotated: “None of these steps really help you get towards upper triangular.”


Annenberg Study Finds That Everyone Just Needs to Chill Out a Bit

“What we did was have our trained research fellows go out and observe people. They would look and see if people were like kinda chill and just vibing or if they were totally nutty and psycho,” Dubois said.


Freshman Being Bullied in Sorority Groupchat Happy to Have Finally Found Her Sisters

I’ll have another chemistry midterm, but the approval of a top tier frat can’t be regained once it’s gone.


What the Hell? Someone On Floor Cooking Steak au Poivre Again

What is that succulent scent wafting through the hallowed halls of Harnwell? God damn it. Is that steak au poivre?


Good Vibes 20% Effective Against UK Variant

The study survey created to code and quantify the good vibes variable among students showed a strong relationship between getting covid and feeling bad.


COVID-19 Slay! Couples Share Saliva Vial to Save Time Getting Tested

 Due to these new testing protocols, there has been an increase in elaborate kissing outside of testing centers.  


Freak Freshman Is "Fired up and Ready to Go" After Fully Recharging in Two-Day Spring Stay

 “Wednesday. Thursday. Two full days off— just amazing really,” Chapman said. 


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