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Wowza! Locust Walk Reimagined Thanks to Penn-BlackRock Partnership

Preposterous! Sure, snake-game tile patterns work for the technocratic healthcare managers of the world, but the New Sincere era calls for more garish tile displays. 

"Step One, Roth IRA...": Wharton Freshman Advises Displaced Philadelphia Residents

Steps 4 and 5 are to get a couple hundred thousand dollars from your father. If the displaced residents follow this simple 5-step plan, they should be Main Line homeowners in no time. 

EXCLUSIVE: The Inside Scoop on Liz Magill’s Synesthesia

When shown the Stanford insignia, reminiscent of her former employer, Magill responded, “Somewhere between Elizabeth Holmes and petrichor.”

Penn Introduces New Study A Broad Program

At the end of the semester, participating students will be required to give presentations to the Penn community on what they learned from their time studying a broad, such as whether or not she is a vibe. 

I Fucking Hate This School! News of Distrito Closing Sophomore Girl’s Last Straw

“Where the fuck am I supposed to drink margs for a pregame now, Copa? Have you fucking had their margaritas?” 

Slay Yes, Mama! Girl with Slicked Back Bun Goes to Gym to Walk on Treadmill for 10 Minutes

Is this the new face of student athletes? 

Dear Locust Walk Fruit Man: I Love You

 Now that we are all away from home, our Asian parents can no longer express their repressed love for us by bringing us a plate cut fruit after a lengthy and heated argument about affirmative action. 

President Magill Pledges To Host Second Ice Cream Social in Response to Townhome Protest

The ice cream social will take place on October 8th, as a tribute to the townhome residents who will be evicted on that day. Although none of the residents or community organizers are invited to the social, it is expected that President Magill will acknowledge them in her speech by vaguely referring to “Penn’s neighbors in West Philly” who “deserve our respect, but not our money nor our attention.” 

Girls in Class of 2026 Very Mature for Their Age, According to Report by Men in Class of 2023

The results are in and the science has spoken: barely legal girls just do it better. 

Don’t Kid Yourself: Stress You Are Currently Experiencing Comparable to Past Years

Don’t deceive yourself — this isn’t “literally the end of the world” or “my life is over” kinda stuff, this is pretty much what you signed up for and what you keep signing yourself up for time and time again.

I'm Healing My Inner Child by Posting on Sidechat

He has a spelling test tomorrow. 

Penn SHS Recommends Receiving 100 Backshots Before Bed to Avoid Freshman Flu

My girlfriend is anyways too ugly to hit from the front, so this is a great excuse.

Uh Oh! This Class Is Interesting, But the People in It Are Ugly and Weird

Unfortunately, the other students in this class are ugly and weird. Many of them seem to think they’re watching a Twitch live stream, saying “Poggers!” or “10,000 IQ” every time the professor says anything.

Penn Unveils Map&Compass@Penn to Navigate Path@Penn

“Path@Penn is truly uncharted territory”, says academic advisor Moma. “I am very proud that Penn students are approaching the danger and unknown of Path@Penn dauntlessly. The students who have perished while pushing the frontiers of Path@Penn will not have died in vain."

Hey Freshmen! Where Your Parents Work Is Not an Icebreaker

Contrary to 19th-century thought, your parents’ income is no longer a personality trait, virtue, or attraction.  

Unfair Advantage: Depressed, Hermetic Students Excel at Philosophy

“Students who feel like there is no place for them in society outperform their peers by an exceptional margin,” philosophy chair Sally Rosencrantz reported.

Damn: Kid I Bullied in High School Actually Doing Pretty Well for Himself

It’s so surreal to see the guy whose tighty-whities I hoisted up on the school flagpole that one time in 10th grade really carve a niche out for himself, you know what I mean?

Seven Noise-Canceling Headphones To Wear Around Your Friend Who Just Returned From Abroad

“I’m baaaaaaack!” says your friend who just returned from Europe after a semester of doing the bare minimum and exceeding all expectations for the amount one person can post on Instagram.

Penn to Send Unused Meal Swipes in Form of Soggy Pizza, Moldy Strawberries to Ukraine

 The dining hall is not the only organization on campus to have offered donations to Ukraine. PennCAPS has offered to donate its counseling services, but Ukraine has rejected the offer, citing poor quality of the program.  

Success! Week-Long Mask Mandate Totally 100% Effective

The novel Coronavirus has been eradicated, thanks to your 7 day compliance. Yay!