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News


BREAKING: Hundreds of Penn Students Receive Summer Internship Offers From Mom

The roles students will have to fulfill range from Waste and Disposables Technician to the Director of Internet and Gadgets, working directly under the head boss.


Student With Therapy Dog Discovers Xanax to Be Much Simpler Solution

When asked what the main draws of replacing his therapy dog with Xanax were, Schmidt specifically noted how, “Xanax doesn’t shit on your carpet or need to be walked.”


Sick! Noodles Left in Microwave Last Night Probably Still Okay to Eat

Upon further inspection, it was found that Daniel had indeed prepared his noodles not in water but in Skyy. 


OP-ED: My Room is Better Because I Have LEDs

Feeling down? Turn them blue. Want to have a rave in your tiny dorm room, or in search of an epileptic seizure? Click the flash button. Seeking attention because nobody is friends with you? Flash SOS in Morse code. The possibilities are endless.  


Thanks, Zoom: Professor Swinford's Uncomfortable Jokes Now Excruciating

“Alright future chemists, riddle me this: what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?”


Photo Essay: 5 Candles My Parents Won't Let Me Light (With Reasons)

We're all looking for a little bit of light in this dark chapter of world history.


Coronavirus Actually Writing Workshop for Teen Dystopian Novels

I used to think that I would never be able to create a masterpiece as good as Veronica Roth's Divergent, but now, with the COVID-19 workshop, I can really imagine what it would be like to live in a world where you can never see the light of day. It’s inspiring!


Quiz! Can YOU Remember What Classes I'm In? I Literally Don't Know Please Help Oh God

What classes am I in this semester? Asking for a friend. 


Jared Can't Wait to Write About Hardship in Grad School Applications

I can literally feel my mental health deteriorating,” lamented Jared over a Zoom video interview, as he sat outside by his heated pool. “It’s going to be tough, but if I pull through this semester and pass all my classes, well, I mean, that’s a true testament to the strength of the human will."


Bobby’s Burger Palace COVID-19 Response Plan

While we recognize that our establishment is closed, because of your lack of support, we want to assure you that we are still here for you.


BREAKING: United States to Consider Saving Lives

This information itself comes from President Donald Trump’s most recent Twitch livestream.


Student Missing After Daring to Use an Umbrella in the Wind Tunnel by the High-Rises

Please remember to keep your umbrellas closed when walking through the wind tunnel; it is a matter of public safety.


BREAKING: Mask&Wig to Consider Being Funny

“Jokes? What jokes? I don’t write jokes.”


What a Coincidence! Rich Guy in Lecture Has Same Name as This Building!

Maybe he's related.... to the Huntsman family...... No, there's no way. It can't be...


Zoinks! Airpods Already Out of Battery

Despite leaving them in her charging case for thirty-four minutes prior, her milky white listening devices have failed her. 


Whoops: Shabbat Services Devolve into Jews Saying Hi to Each Other Again

Uh-oh… it’s happening again.


Inspiring! Woman Predicts Stimulus Check by Overspending $1200 Last Month

“Yeah, now that I think about it, this global pandemic has actually worked out really well for me.” 


This Positive Psychology Professor Discovered How to Cure Coronavirus With Meditation

Experts have estimated this cure will save at least 100,000 lives worldwide.


Innovative Fraternity Hosts Gatsby-Themed Mixer

Sentano hinted at the possibility of a prohibition-themed mixer that could take place in the near future, but would not confirm anything because, "we don't want anyone else to steal our idea."


Sophie Seems A Little Too Comfortable in Front of Her (1080p) Webcam

Even more apparent was her perfect 1080p 60fps video quality. It was top-of-the-line image perfection with every detail perfectly outlined on camera.


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