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News


Valiant! This Junior Attended Mask and Wig’s “The Book of Mermen” Completely Sober

With a blood alcohol content of 0.00%, Joseph stepped through the doors of the Mask and Wig Clubhouse.


Sanitary! Student Announces He's Pre-Med Before Disinfecting Your Cut with Cheap Vodka

He subsequently tilted the handle over the side of her thigh and let the vodka dribble down and seep into the now disinfected wounds. 


Home Sweet Home! Freshmen Find the Housing of Their Dreams: The Dumpster Behind Tortas

“We were looking at HamCo for a long time because of all its amenities, but it was too expensive."


Meet the 4 Penn Juniors Who Are Reading Books for Fun Outside of Class

Instead of unwinding with an episode of The Office or with a few bottles of wine, some Penn students are now turning to recreational reading as a means of de-stressing.


"This Should Be Easy," Says Professor Who Has Studied This Exact Topic for Decades

Esteemed chemistry professor Kenneth Bullion glossed over an entire section of notes, leaving already confused students utterly in the dark.


Innovative! Administration Uses Outdated Memes to Engage Students

Administration members are so excited to have stumbled upon this hidden gem of the digital age. Some were generous enough to share some of their thoughts.


UA Launches Fet Club, Offering 30 Days Of Kink Play For Seniors

Though details are still being finalized, likely events include a furries happy hour and a night at a BDSM club in Atlantic City.


Report: Some Students Actually Quite Happy

Despite the spine-breaking, sexless, and financially crippling nature of their existence, some students claimed to be, “Just fine,” “Grateful to be here,” and, even, “The best they’ve ever been.” 


Embarrassing: This Student JUST Discovered Go-Gurt

After his 503rd time running out the door to make his 9 a.m. recitation without having time to scarf down a quick yogurt, an idea came to him. What if there were a more portable yogurt?


Spring Break Group Who Forgot to Plan Trip Ahead Arrives at Fifth Museum of the Day

“We don’t really know where to go, but I love German art. We’re big museum guys. This is great,” he lied. The group plans to tour the Berlin nightlife, but has only a faint understanding of the club scene.


Justice for All: Frats on Campus Collectively Denounce Wharton China Business Society Amid Hazing Ban

In response to the news, Penn’s Interfraternity Council members, representatives from fraternities across campus, released a joint statement denouncing WCBS’s blatant disregard for students’ mental and physical wellbeing.


Trump-Kim Summit Breaks down After Refusal to Budge on Issue of Khloe as New Bachelorette

When Trump was asked why he wouldn’t allow Kim’s sister Khloe to take on the fairly meaningless role as the new Bachelorette, he responded with typical aplomb. “She’s a five, maybe a six on a really good day. This show? It’s the pinnacle of American culture, and we can’t be having just anyone on it, so I can’t give this to her.”


Amazing! This Chem Student Inadvertently Learned Metric Conversions by Dealing Ganj

Despite receiving a 51 on the class’s first exam and missing two homework deadlines, Shazer redeemed himself in the eyes of Dr. Mackey with his outstanding performance in their last class.


Student Disturbed to Learn That Attractive, Well-Spoken Classmate Also Really Nice

She completely blindsided me and said that I made a really insightful point in class the other day.


Beats Pill Announced as 2019 Commencement Speaker

Much of the praise for the speaker involved its superior battery life.


Aw: This Couple Is Matching with the Same Wheezing Cough

They are practically inseparable. They eat, sleep, and even bathe together!


"I Hate My Life" Complains Student Experiencing Best 4 Years of Her Life

Despite living minutes from her friends, enjoying her first experiences with drugs and alcoholic substances, and being at the highest level of fitness she will ever achieve, Raymond is often found angrily tweeting about her situation.


Oh No: Timothee Chalamet Spotted Loitering in the Peach Aisle of FroGro Again

Witnesses say they saw him skulking near the stone fruits – which are currently not even in season – wearing dark sunglasses and a hoodie as he impishly licked his lips.


Curve Breaker: Wharton Student Hires Crisis Actors to Fail Econ

When an Econ 001 midterm threatened to lower her 4.00 GPA, Sacks was forced to take desperate measures.


Only Cockroaches and Engineering Student Wearing T-Shirt in 20-Degree Weather Will Survive Nuclear Holocaust

We have yet to determine to what extent, if any, they feel pain.


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