It’s so surreal to see the guy whose tighty-whities I hoisted up on the school flagpole that one time in 10th grade really carve a niche out for himself, you know what I mean?

“I’m baaaaaaack!” says your friend who just returned from Europe after a semester of doing the bare minimum and exceeding all expectations for the amount one person can post on Instagram.

 The dining hall is not the only organization on campus to have offered donations to Ukraine. PennCAPS has offered to donate its counseling services, but Ukraine has rejected the offer, citing poor quality of the program.  

The novel Coronavirus has been eradicated, thanks to your 7 day compliance. Yay! 

Accompanied by a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” emoticon and the writing “oopsy-daisy” was the announcement that Penn has declared bankruptcy.

Penn has been championing interdisciplinary creativity for decades; intertwining gastronomy and gynecology is no exception.

 I thought to myself, I really am just like the coyote. I spend so much time and effort trying to catch this fast blue bird, which is metaphorical to some higher unspecified goal. But all that amounts to is just repeatedly dropping an anvil on my head. 

In a press release today, Penn’s LGBT center, home of free printing on campus and nothing else, announced that it is now acceptable to describe things you dislike as “gay.”

This app– it’s so good. And I’m hardly being paid to say that. 

As he nods along, stone-faced, his eyes look down and his face is lit from below.

Sure, right now, some parts of you are still PennInTouch and sometime this summer you and PennInTouch will merge into one supreme life form. But for now, I love seeing you as you are.

After two and a half years behind masks at all times in all public settings, students have not only developed intense blackheads; they’ve also been fomenting some seriously dangerous bad breath. The University has taken decisive steps to combat this new threat to public health.  

On Wednesday nights, Sink or Swim will be discontinued and replaced with CIS 160 tutoring.

That half-zebra print, half-cheetah print bodysuit with ‘Vegan Babe’ emblazoned in lime green? Absolutely hideous! And yet this fearless pioneer added that to her cart within seconds, in full view by the lecture hall of students behind her.  

We have been alerted that these lovely women love birdwatching, and often are missing from their rooms at night searching for owls. “We love owls.”

I showed the woman at the front desk in Biotech my green pass. She hissed at me. Fair enough.

Now, he has a chance to prove himself on the biggest stages imaginable, which include that little grassy area outside of Harrison in addition to the grass outside of NCHW.

When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are.

“It’s not like they’re talking to anyone in particular,” Salazie noted. “They’re kinda just saying stuff out loud.”

You realize that this small incident is indicative and a parallel to your life as a whole: you can work intensely and diligently to build yourself and your ideas, but if you don't fit one of the prescribed outlines, you are considered wrong.