At 2:00 p.m. every Monday afternoon, College freshman Ashley Smithbank’s roommate leaves for her Math 104 recitation, which means that the Masturbation Monday festitivies can commence.

Ever stared into someone’s soul while the elevator doors are closing?

Rafael Bowden (C ’20), allured by Soylent’s promise to deliver a delicious meal on-the-go, is now regretting his decision to purchase ten cases of strawberry-flavored Soylent, a quantity equivalent to 120 bottles.

Fans of local stand up comedian Zachary Smith witnessed a milestone event in his career last Saturday, during his eighth solo set.

In a break from his Penn colleagues’ recent classroom policies, Professor Darren Wright has decided to reverse his no-laptop policy, as having to look at students’ sad and ugly faces began to take a toll on his mental and physical health.

Late Tuesday night, it was discovered that the basement of Huntsman Hall, initially thought of as the ideal location to weep and snort Adderall simultaneously, is actually home to the Chamber of Secrets!

Heterosexual males rejoice!

Alex Wang, a junior in Penn’s accelerated dental program, just made a career-ending mistake.

In a landmark study, researchers at the Penn Sleep Center have confirmed that your buddy is for sure knocked out right now.

Penn’s favorite sex club masquerading as a dance group is struggling to stay alive.

As a respectable news publication, Under The Button has a firm commitment to true and honest reporting.

Paul Hardy (C ‘20) came to college seeking an interdisciplinary education, but he was also interested in the economy and wanted to pursue a career in finance

Senior year: the year of lasts, firsts, parties, and the impending doom of transitioning into a somewhat functioning adult.

Irene Sard (C ‘21) doesn’t hold her punches.

Students in BIOL 213: Essentials of Vertebrate Physiology woke up to a pleasant surprise Wednesday morning.

Fall is coming to an end with winter right around the corner, and you know what that means— Halloween szn is here! Every house, club, and frat is ready to throw the freakiest get togethers of the season. None will be more spooky than the upcoming Halloween party at ΒΩΩ.

Move over OCR, and make room for OAR (Office of Oceanic and Atmospheric Research).

Sally May (C ‘20) was spotted walking from the University City Sheraton Hotel back to her dorm in the high rises, sporting a tasteful, slightly longer than shoulder-length bob, a well-tailored black pantsuit, and the distinct look of having failed to impress a single recruiter.

Inspired by the recent record turnout for free flu shots, Student Health Services has begun offering vaccines for those who have come down with the “Freshman Plague.”

Earlier this week, freshmen received invitations to a "Champagne and Shackles" party.