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Facilities Knocks on Freshman’s Dorm Right When the Porn Gets Good

At 2:00 p.m. every Monday afternoon, College freshman Ashley Smithbank’s roommate leaves for her Math 104 recitation, which means that the Masturbation Monday festitivies can commence.

Junior Who Stared Down Group as Harnwell Elevators Closed Actually a Nice Guy

Ever stared into someone’s soul while the elevator doors are closing?

Sophomore Seriously Regretting Decision to Purchase Bulk Order of Soylent

Rafael Bowden (C ’20), allured by Soylent’s promise to deliver a delicious meal on-the-go, is now regretting his decision to purchase ten cases of strawberry-flavored Soylent, a quantity equivalent to 120 bottles.

Up and Coming Stand-Up Comedian Masters Standing, Ready to Start Writing Jokes Any Day Now

Fans of local stand up comedian Zachary Smith witnessed a milestone event in his career last Saturday, during his eighth solo set.

Professor Reverses No-Laptop Policy as Students Faces Have Become Increasingly Sad-Looking and Ugly

In a break from his Penn colleagues’ recent classroom policies, Professor Darren Wright has decided to reverse his no-laptop policy, as having to look at students’ sad and ugly faces began to take a toll on his mental and physical health.

BREAKING: Chamber of Secrets Found in Huntsman Basement

Late Tuesday night, it was discovered that the basement of Huntsman Hall, initially thought of as the ideal location to weep and snort Adderall simultaneously, is actually home to the Chamber of Secrets!

7-Year Dental Student Forgets to Floss, Expelled

Alex Wang, a junior in Penn’s accelerated dental program, just made a career-ending mistake.

Penn Sleep Center Study Confirms: Your Boy is Legit Passed the Fuck Out and You Should Totally Draw a Monster Dong on His Face

In a landmark study, researchers at the Penn Sleep Center have confirmed that your buddy is for sure knocked out right now.

West Philly Swingers Facing Shortage of Adventurous Couples

Penn’s favorite sex club masquerading as a dance group is struggling to stay alive.

Correction: Racist Comments Taken Out Of Context of Longer Racist Rant

As a respectable news publication, Under The Button has a firm commitment to true and honest reporting.

College Econ Major Explains Benefits of Liberal Arts Education to Goldman Sachs Recruiter

Paul Hardy (C ‘20) came to college seeking an interdisciplinary education, but he was also interested in the economy and wanted to pursue a career in finance

'It's Senior Year, I Don't Care About School Anymore!' Says Student Who Pulled All-Nighter in VP Last Night

Senior year: the year of lasts, firsts, parties, and the impending doom of transitioning into a somewhat functioning adult.

Wow! 18-Year-Old's Cutting OP-ED Sure to Keep Penn Admins Up at Night

Irene Sard (C ‘21) doesn’t hold her punches.

Professor Cancels Class Due to Sadness Over Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande Breakup

Students in BIOL 213: Essentials of Vertebrate Physiology woke up to a pleasant surprise Wednesday morning.

Spooky! Half the People at This Party Have Hand Foot Mouth Disease but We Won’t Say Who

Fall is coming to an end with winter right around the corner, and you know what that means— Halloween szn is here! Every house, club, and frat is ready to throw the freakiest get togethers of the season. None will be more spooky than the upcoming Halloween party at ΒΩΩ.

Watch Out: Sophomore to Lead NOAA After Mentioning He 'Can’t Remember the Last Time October Was This Warm'

Move over OCR, and make room for OAR (Office of Oceanic and Atmospheric Research).

Junior With 2.6 GPA Wonders If New Haircut Costing Her Opportunities At Career Fair

Sally May (C ‘20) was spotted walking from the University City Sheraton Hotel back to her dorm in the high rises, sporting a tasteful, slightly longer than shoulder-length bob, a well-tailored black pantsuit, and the distinct look of having failed to impress a single recruiter.

SHS to Begin Offering Vaccine for 'Freshman Plague'

Inspired by the recent record turnout for free flu shots, Student Health Services has begun offering vaccines for those who have come down with the “Freshman Plague.”

Gotcha! Fraternity Makes Citizen's Arrests at Champagne and Shackles

Earlier this week, freshmen received invitations to a "Champagne and Shackles" party.