Oh, Melancholia! Everyday Pleasantries and Meaningful Friendships Reduced to Nothing With My Noise Canceling Headphones
If a tree falls in the forest, but I am wearing noise-canceling headphones, does it make a sound?
News
Overheard At Penn: “Poor People Are Poor for a Reason” & 10 Other Statements
I swear these are all genuinely overheard.
Oh, Melancholia! Everyday Pleasantries and Meaningful Friendships Reduced to Nothing With My Noise Canceling Headphones
If a tree falls in the forest, but I am wearing noise-canceling headphones, does it make a sound?
Student's Vow to Stop Vaping Undermined by Lack of Vow to Quit Drinking
“They’re gonna quit any day now,” said close friend Rick Flamenco, who always carries a Geek Bar set to burst mode on him, giving it during parties out to whoever asks. “I mean it’s not like any of us are addicted.”
Overheard At Penn: “Poor People Are Poor for a Reason” & 10 Other Statements
I swear these are all genuinely overheard.
Life’s Better on Saturn: I Contracted Dysentery From the Theos Luau Kiddie Pool
Submerging my body into that blue neon abyss was like reaching nirvana.
Paid Advertisement: Penn Mock Trial Team Searching for White Male Pervert to Play Role of Jeffrey Epstein
When we decided to conduct a mock Epstein trial, we knew that we needed someone who committed the same exact crimes as Jeffrey, down to the smallest, most minute detail.
Local Student Attempts To Steal From Pret; Gets CHASED Over Bridge And Spanked
The student was found staggering across High Rise field, muttering "I must not steal, I must not steal."
Penn’s New Regulations Regarding On-Campus Protest: Scary Larry Given License to Kill
Interim President Jameson has announced he is done fucking around and is now strapped.
Penn Establishes Office of Inspection of the Office of Ethnic Inclusion of Non-Members of the Antisemitism Office that Aren’t in the Other Task Force
The Good News Is Here. Join the Task Forces.
Heartbreaking: No One Knew What “Owls” Was at This Student’s Internship
The workers seemed indifferent toward Theos, constantly misunderstood the name Apes, and displayed complete and total confusion as to whatever it is Phi Roses does on campus.
Wharton GRC Kicked Off Campus After Mocktail Networking Session #2 Got A Little Too Crazy
“Chug, chug, chug,” another freshman recounted between tears, remembering how every drop of “The Market Mule” she put down made her think she’d be hip like the people in GRC. After being rushed to Penn Med that night, she now knows better, she says.
How Was My Summer Internship? Two Words: Clash of Clans Town Hall Level Seven
Life is suffering, and the only way to alleviate it is Clash of Clans or percocets.
Breaking! I Went to the New Ellie and Mason House Opening on Penn’s Frat Row With What I Do ?
“oh, I’m finna be in the pit”
Justice for the Little Sibling: Exposing the Dark Underbelly of DP Photo
Giving a voice to the voiceless.
Help! Which Identity Based Social Circle Should I Segregate Myself Into?
I hope you found your community immediately after reading this enlightening article!
Failure: My Summertime Tony Soprano Arc Was Nothing More Than Excessive Lunchmeat and Uncontrollable Anger
Real Italians live in New Jersey, and they say words like gabagool and moozarell and manicot.
RSVP to Mousewarming on Partiful—The Mice Living in My Walls Are Also Hosting a Housewarming
You know what they say: warm house, warm heart.
Damnit! Local Student Rehearses Question Three Times Before Raising Hand, Still Fucks Up
Early reports indicate that this incident will spell the end of her professional career before it’s even begun.
I Got Rejected from Kite and Key Three Times, and I Still Don’t Know Why
The third time wasn’t the charm.
40 Things That Will Happen Before Penn Picks a New President
Number 12 WILL shock you.
