I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”

If Venmo doesn’t work for you, I can accept payment in many different forms.

I want to issue a formal apology to anyone came at the same time as a crescendo of farts escaped my rectum.

I should’ve gone to Cornell, learned about hotels, and gotten a sweet job at the Four Seasons or some shit.

Braden got a B in his geology class sophomore year, so yea, I’m pretty sure he knows his stuff. 

Some students at Penn like Copa, and some like Distrito. In the end, we all go to Smokes. What can we say? There is always a universal thread. We live in a society. 

Look: I’m a bad bitch. An extremely bad bitch. When I walk down the street I turn heads. People I walk past whisper to each other, “That is the baddest bitch I have ever seen,” just before they collapse onto the street, overwhelmed by my power.

Since I started riding my futuristic platform of gliding excellence, I haven't even come close to self-identifying as a failure. I self-identify as one of Nikola Tesla’s chosen few. 

The process for finding someone to rent your room is toxic and competitive. So, this year, instead of feeding into the system, I’m giving up my search to find a subletter.

If you find yourself stressed out and in need of help from your peers, you should probably just do what I do. Run away from your problems and blame it all on your astrological sign. Classic Pisces. 

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that having the Jo Bros perform at Fling would significantly increase the overall happiness of the undergraduate student body. It’s obvious that serotonin levels rise exponentially when looking into Nick’s beautiful curls or Joe’s dreamy eyes.

I am not going to remember your name. There are about 36,000 people running for the UA (sidebar – I don’t even know what that is) and another 4 billion running for internal secretary president of the College’s class board chair, and I cannot keep track.

Despite the interesting pattern on his shirt, on the inside he is a fairly basic guy.

I know that she’s probably got an entire family to support, but that family is living in my closet, eating my food, and taking advantage of my heating bill. I’ve been abused enough by this system.

While other religions or scientific paradigms are "legitimate" and have withstood the test of time, they are also patriarchal and may remind you of your childhood.

Is this Big Pharma using its massive Popeye arms to wrestle the country into shelling out more money?

It didn't have anything to do with the fact that I had a hard time finding an internship the summer before.

You definitely have friends. Good, close friends. You eat meals with them, you study with them, you watch movies with them, and you even drink with them — except on your birthday. 

I enjoy how batshit scared all of you are of the cold — of a crispy, red leaf gently falling onto your Barbour coat. 

My body is a “temple[sic] of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It hurts to say it, but Ben’s penis won’t be defiling my temple anymore.