Castle isn’t really hosting an event, they just want to bring us closer together as a school. That’s why they sent us on an impossible quest to get “tickets,” because they know we’d have to work together and meet so many new people along the way. 

 There are nearly zero bathrooms on campus designed and intended specifically for men.

Why, when most of us are content with small packs that fit within our frame, do some insist on carrying around monstrous sacks that do little but obstruct?

Plus, the other day when it went up to 80°, it felt like they were going to melt and run down my leg. This makes me very nervous about my reproductive health. 

Anyone who’s anyone knows that the most important part of Spring Fling is the fit you sport from darty to darty throughout the weekend.

You and Jessica have been going strong for nine months now, but these past couple of weeks you’ve noticed that the two of you have grown more and more distant. You have no idea why, but there’s this guy Brad in her OIDD class that she’s always getting food with now. 

It seems that when it comes to the main Fling event, Penn has been scraping the bottom of the barrel for some time now. What the concert needs is a fresh new update – a headliner that will make the Penn student body proud to whip out their lighters and sway to the music in the cool spring breeze.

That's when I stumbled into a "State Day" themed party at Beta: I had finally found my people.

Like, we could have just relied on those birth control pills I'm pretty sure you're on.

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”

If Venmo doesn’t work for you, I can accept payment in many different forms.

I want to issue a formal apology to anyone came at the same time as a crescendo of farts escaped my rectum.

I should’ve gone to Cornell, learned about hotels, and gotten a sweet job at the Four Seasons or some shit.

Braden got a B in his geology class sophomore year, so yea, I’m pretty sure he knows his stuff. 

Some students at Penn like Copa, and some like Distrito. In the end, we all go to Smokes. What can we say? There is always a universal thread. We live in a society. 

Look: I’m a bad bitch. An extremely bad bitch. When I walk down the street I turn heads. People I walk past whisper to each other, “That is the baddest bitch I have ever seen,” just before they collapse onto the street, overwhelmed by my power.

Since I started riding my futuristic platform of gliding excellence, I haven't even come close to self-identifying as a failure. I self-identify as one of Nikola Tesla’s chosen few. 

The process for finding someone to rent your room is toxic and competitive. So, this year, instead of feeding into the system, I’m giving up my search to find a subletter.

If you find yourself stressed out and in need of help from your peers, you should probably just do what I do. Run away from your problems and blame it all on your astrological sign. Classic Pisces. 

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that having the Jo Bros perform at Fling would significantly increase the overall happiness of the undergraduate student body. It’s obvious that serotonin levels rise exponentially when looking into Nick’s beautiful curls or Joe’s dreamy eyes.