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Opinion


If You Wanna Be My Lover, Please Have the Summer Application on My Desk by May 1st

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”


I’m a Penn Athlete and I Will Accept Payment in Cash Venmo or Bitcoin Thank U

If Venmo doesn’t work for you, I can accept payment in many different forms.


OP-ED: I Spend so Long in the DRL Bathroom and Not Because I’m Getting Head, I Have Hemorrhoids

I want to issue a formal apology to anyone came at the same time as a crescendo of farts escaped my rectum.


OP-ED: If I Had Known About Writing Sem I Would've Gone to Cornell

I should’ve gone to Cornell, learned about hotels, and gotten a sweet job at the Four Seasons or some shit.


Move over Groundhogs Day! I Know Its Spring When Fraternities Start Playing Pong outside

Braden got a B in his geology class sophomore year, so yea, I’m pretty sure he knows his stuff. 


Editorial: We Live in a Society

Some students at Penn like Copa, and some like Distrito. In the end, we all go to Smokes. What can we say? There is always a universal thread. We live in a society. 


I May Have Failed Stat 111 Freshman Spring, But I’m Still a Bad Bitch

Look: I’m a bad bitch. An extremely bad bitch. When I walk down the street I turn heads. People I walk past whisper to each other, “That is the baddest bitch I have ever seen,” just before they collapse onto the street, overwhelmed by my power.


My Failures Don't Define Me. That's My Electric Skateboard's Job.

Since I started riding my futuristic platform of gliding excellence, I haven't even come close to self-identifying as a failure. I self-identify as one of Nikola Tesla’s chosen few. 


OP-ED: I Didn't Find a Subletter For the Summer and Yes, I Am Giving Up

The process for finding someone to rent your room is toxic and competitive. So, this year, instead of feeding into the system, I’m giving up my search to find a subletter.


Greek Life is Bad Because it Encourages Companionship, and That is Something I Can Live Without

If you find yourself stressed out and in need of help from your peers, you should probably just do what I do. Run away from your problems and blame it all on your astrological sign. Classic Pisces. 


If Penn Actually Cared About Mental Health, the Jonas Brothers Would be Performing at Fling

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that having the Jo Bros perform at Fling would significantly increase the overall happiness of the undergraduate student body. It’s obvious that serotonin levels rise exponentially when looking into Nick’s beautiful curls or Joe’s dreamy eyes.


OP-ED: Sorry Class Board Candidates, I’ll Only Vote for You if Your Name is Hot

I am not going to remember your name. There are about 36,000 people running for the UA (sidebar – I don’t even know what that is) and another 4 billion running for internal secretary president of the College’s class board chair, and I cannot keep track.


Student Spotlight: Short Sleeve Button-Down Shirt Guy

Despite the interesting pattern on his shirt, on the inside he is a fairly basic guy.


OP-ED: The Mouse in My Apartment Doesn’t Pay Rent so I’m Going to Murder Her and Her Entire Family

I know that she’s probably got an entire family to support, but that family is living in my closet, eating my food, and taking advantage of my heating bill. I’ve been abused enough by this system.


How to Avoid Your Childhood Trauma by Developing an Astrology Obsession Instead

While other religions or scientific paradigms are "legitimate" and have withstood the test of time, they are also patriarchal and may remind you of your childhood.


OP-ED: March Madness? I'm Not Even Done with Seasonal Depression!

Is this Big Pharma using its massive Popeye arms to wrestle the country into shelling out more money?


OP-ED: I’m Majoring in CIS Because I’m Genuinely Interested...in a Job?

It didn't have anything to do with the fact that I had a hard time finding an internship the summer before.


How to Feel Cool Even Though You Planned Your Own Birthday Pregame

You definitely have friends. Good, close friends. You eat meals with them, you study with them, you watch movies with them, and you even drink with them — except on your birthday. 


A Rap: Everyone Go Back to Your Rooms, I Hate Seeing You Outside

I enjoy how batshit scared all of you are of the cold — of a crispy, red leaf gently falling onto your Barbour coat. 


OP-ED: This Lent I'm Giving up Sex (Not Butt Stuff Tho lol)

My body is a “temple[sic] of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It hurts to say it, but Ben’s penis won’t be defiling my temple anymore.


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