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Opinion


OP-ED: The Opportunity Rover is Dead and I Will Never Love Again

It was only supposed to be a quick summer romance – three months at the most. But then you reached out, and we kept our love burning. 


All I Did at Penn Was Snort Cocaine. I'm Okay With That.

The hyper-competitive Penn culture can make us feel that we need to do it all and have it all, but I don’t let it bother me because I’m literally a fucking G.


OP-ED: I’m Taking Presidents Day off Because It’s What Van Buren Would Have Wanted

Martin Van Buren might have had his birthday back in December, but that's no excuse for me not to skip my 9 a.m. on Monday.


5 Notebooks That Will Stay Together Better Than Your Spring Break Plans

We all know your spring break plans are going to eventually fall apart, but that doesn't mean everything in your life has to as well. UTB has compiled a list of five sturdy notebooks that will stay together despite the fact that they have a paper due the Monday after spring break. 


Breaking! Under the BOTton Bot Now Writes My Articles for Me

I web scraped every UTB article ever written, stored them in a .txt, and fed them to my bot.


Album Review: Why Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” Is 2018's Best Album to Take a Stubborn Poo To

Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” has guided me through type 4 logs and type 2 craggly poos. Truly Sheck has been there through the best and worst of times.


Why Studying Abroad in Wisconsin Was the Best Decision I Made at Penn

I made a lot of unforgettable friends and had a lot of unforgettable experiences: eating cheese curds straight from the barrel, wearing a cheese hat at the packed Packers' stadium, sharing a Snickers salad with my Midwestern boys.


OP-ED: If Amazon Won't Gentrify Queens, I Will

It is my duty to move to a neighborhood with fast-casual dining options, some warehouses for art or music performances, and streets that are dirty enough to be interesting but not dirty enough that I mess up my Common Projects.


OP-ED: I Shop at Trader Joe's, and Yes, My Shits Are Better than Yours

While you all eat your wilted Fresh Grocer produce, I am eating a robust diet of organic vegetables and frozen foods from our friends at TJ’s. This provides the fiber that I need to shit upwards of three times a day. 


OP-ED: Why I Can Only Masturbate to the Canterbury tales

If you’ve ever heard an effectively pre-pubescent high school boy stutter through the prologue of The Canterbury Tales that he was forced to memorize by an English teacher somewhere along the line, then you’ll understand why Chaucer makes me wet.


OP-ED: Penn Should Teach More Practical Skills, Like How to Get a Dental Student to Marry Me

Having the intellectual tools to find my future spouse, who is most certainly a practitioner of the dental arts, will be an indispensable life skill.


OP-ED: Even Slackbot Won’t Respond to My Messages

There was just something about her mix of confidence and humility that I was immediately attracted to. With no options left, I shot my shot.


OP-ED: I've Fucked Penn 4 Times, And He's Still Making Me Go on Air-Penn Net Guest

I guess I could just stop by the ITA desk and get it done in a night, but I don’t want to be shady. He should be begging me to get on his wifi. 


OP-ED: The Government Better Not Shut Down Again, Because My Flight to Cancun Is Non-refundable

I'm flexible with whatever compromise you come up with (as long as the PHL airport stays up and running on Saturday, March 2 and Sunday, March 10, 2019).


Mental Health Fail! I Literally Can't Stop Crying

A new study from the University of Pennsylvania conclusively proves that I literally cannot stop tears from flowing down my cheeks.


OP-ED: All Penn Alumni Should Put Their Kids up for Adoption

Many believe that the bond between parent and child is sacred and foundational to our society. However, this sort of myopic, me-first viewpoint endangers the very bedrock of equality and justice.


Okay, Be Honest: Would Ted Bundy Have Killed Me?

He is literally my dream guy. You know, if he didn’t do all of those bad things, I guess.


OP-ED: Adam Grant Has Big Papa Energy

Mr. Grant’s Papa energy is so strong that whenever I see him sitting down I have to actively fight the urge to sit on his lap and ask for a bedtime story.


Braden, Is That a Pocket Constitution or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

“Technically, the first amendment supports me in that...” no, Braden. Do not bring the first amendment into your pants. Just chill out. 


OP-ED: I'm Only Working as a Private Military Contractor for a Year Before Law School

The hours are long, the work is thankless, and sometimes the morality isn't clear, but is being a mercenary really so different from consulting?


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