mean, sure, being a lawyer would be cool. I guess. But, bro, let’s be real. That is hella work. Applications, recs, LSATs, etc. I can’t even get my UTB articles in on time.

But this time, I’m telling you the truth. I didn’t want to come to this GBM so intensely, it’s actually a miracle that I’m here at all. I already know the names of everyone in my sketch group. Plus, your “announcements” are things you could just send us via email.

That’s not to say that I’m necessarily very good at push-ups, just that I think I’m definitely better at them than Wendell.

Luckily, at UTB, we have devised a highly scientific method of determining which laptop stickers toe the line between being an obnoxious braggart and a saintly intellectual.

Workers of the world unite! But can you not, like unite SO much? I still want my crop tops. 

Let’s be honest: when I’m in job interviews, I say I write for the Daily Pennsylvanian. 

How else will she be a nationally ranked athlete unless she joins a sport that less than 5,000 people in America play?

Although it is is besieged on all sides by companies who refuse to write “Merry Christmas” on their holiday beverage cups and by foods that have just a little too much seasoning, I would like to take the time to stop and really appreciate what white people have contributed to our society.

See, I prepared case studies and an impeccably rehearsed monologue about the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced, but they never asked me any of that.

They were domestics also. There was a PBR, which, well, who buys PBR in a glass bottle?

"I haven't had time to get everything together yet, but if I did I feel like my movie would probably be groundbreaking like hers is"

I said I spent 15 hours a week on math team, and I didn’t even go to meetings because they were in the morning.

I know what you’re thinking: it’s going to be hard to keep the game balanced when adding such an immensely powerful character.

It’s a microcosm of coffee and money. At this point, Penn should look into adding it to its real estate portfolio.

I thought it was just going to be a fun relaxed night of binge drinking, but instead they found old video games in the basement, and now the night seems like it’s going to be really wholesome. 

I might grab an apple, perhaps a kiwi or even a pear if I’m feeling adventurous. I could even grab a banana, like you seem to have maybe done.

You’re telling me you’re at a Miami beach party, and you’re just gonna causally sip some wine? Not even fun wine like Franzia.

In this hyper-polarized climate, in which people (especially Muslims) are viewed far too often with contempt, scorn, or fear, it's important to be an ally. Today I am officially declaring that if Penn's president Amy Gutmann was Muslim, I would be totally cool with it.

There you were, 100 feet away, nervously standing in the dappled sunlight of Locust Walk. Despite the freezing weather, your somehow still-sweaty hands clutched a stack of flyers: invitations to your beautiful soul.

Sure, there would be some drawbacks to renovating DRL. Penn could no longer use it as a haunted house. That one family would have to move out. Any money spent on renovating DRL is money the university can’t use to build the next New College House.