First of all, how dare you. I just don't get how you could say such a rude thing to a guy wearing such cool socks. I'm not saying that by having impeccable style I should be impervious to criticism, but, ya know, respect the fibers on my feet. Also, haven’t you noticed my eccentric short-sleeved button up? C’mon, I’m not on a beach sipping margs, why am I wearing this sweet Hawaiian shirt! That’s a pretty dope personality trait if I do say so myself.

"Yes, she loves Obama, but does that mean a pair of socially liberal, fiscally conservative pink shorts from J. Crew can’t turn her on?"

"I politely coughed, to alert the baristas to my impatience, and they didn’t even look up. It pierced me to my core."

You know, I’ve tried to be sympathetic. I really have.