Wordsearch: Which Penn Greek Org Is Responsible for the COVID Outbreak?
Hint: It's all of them!
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BREAKING: The Rodin Tent Under All That Snow
As of late Tuesday morning, the high rise field testing tent’s structure was reported to be “under more stress than I am,” said a second-semester senior who still needs to get into three more sector classes.
New Off-Campus Sorority Members Begin Pledging By Being Forced To Stay Inside For 2 Weeks
Swallowing goldfish, binge drinking, ole-fashioned hazing? Those punishments are sooooo last year. This year’s pledging will be full of being brutally forced to stay inside and suffer in isolation! Sisterhood.
Don't Mind the Bubonic Boils, I Have a Green PennOpen Pass
I have caught Covid 7 different times, and have not once tested negative since March 13th. I have blood dripping from my eyeballs in quarts everyday.
Feminists Mad Penn is Keeping their Periods Quiet!
"Under the guise of the 'Quiet Period,' a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation." | Mikayla Golub
Comeback Kid! Depression Returns as Classes Resume
Within minutes of setting foot on campus, students reported feeling sadness, anger, loss of interest and/or pleasure in most normal activities, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and slowed thinking.
Testing Centers Provide Hot TAs to Stare at While You Salivate
Becky Weisberg
Tuesday, Feb. 2, 2021Tue, Feb 2, 2021
Whenever my TA Albert plays the devilu2019s advocate in our ethics break out rooms, my mouth becomes wetter than that massive puddle that forms outside of Commons | Becky Weisberg
Amy Gutmann Excited for COVID-19 to Kill Freshmen: "There's Too Many of These Bitches"
“Death is a necessary and natural part of life. I am excited and hopeful that many freshmen will either die or be permanently disabled as a result of the virus.”
“FAFSA? Omg, I Love Soccer Tournaments” Says Friend With Multiple Homes
"Yikes! It appears that Nina Gomez (W ‘23), a native of the Upper East Side who uses “summer” as a verb, has unfortunately confused the FAFSA with FIFA." | Megan Striff-Cave
Whew! Now Penn Students Don't Have to Pretend to Be Embarrassed By President's Connection to University
While many feel as though they only settled for Biden, not having to act embarrassed by a direct connection to the President feels like a win. At this point it almost feels like being actually proud of a Penn alumni might just be too greedy.
Michael Prioritizing Self This Semester, Drops Every Class With A Canvas Page
The discussion post font makes me want to vomit, the app is so poorly organized that sometimes I really believe it’s worse than ‘Penn Eats’, and the ‘Zoom’ tab never. Has. The. Fucking. Link.
Sarah's Roommate Doesn't Do Dishes, Sarah Sends Her to COVID Prison
With trembling hands, she picked up her phone and went to the campus compact non-compliance form. She didn't want to do this to her best friend, but she had to.
YAHOO! University Announces Start of Loud Period
“HELL YEAH!” Wayne R. Alkire (C ‘23) shouted upon hearing the news. “NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME FROM BLASTING WHEEZER AT 2 A.M.”
Slurp! 5 Ways to Enjoy a Vial of Spit Once That Gullible Sucker Walks Outside
Ian Ong
Saturday, Jan. 30, 2021Sat, Jan 30, 2021
So, you’ve finally done it. Thanks to your glib demeanor, charming smile, and spare N-95 respirator, you’ve successfully tricked some unsuspecting chump into giving you a vial full of their saliva.
QUIZ: What Your COVID Spit Test Says About You
Darrion Chen
Friday, Jan. 29, 2021Fri, Jan 29, 2021
Take our quiz!
Penn InTouch Found Among Ancient Artifacts During Mayan Excavation
Although it was dated to be over 4,000 years old, the artifact seemed to almost exactly mirror the current design. Researchers have concluded that absolutely zero work has gone into updating the website since its inception.
Greedy Little Piss Babies: Freshmen Want to Make Friends
Although Penn may have encouraged first years to travel vast distances during a pandemic to sit in lonely dorm rooms and cry, the Class of 2024 is entirely and solely to blame for wanting to breathe the same air as their peers.
Good News! Simultaneous Tube Spitting Not Awkward Whatsoever
Get on out there you amylase-generating animals!
3-for-1 Deal: Senior Frat Brothers to Give Freshmen Women Chlamydia, COVID-19, and Trauma
The brothers noted that they brothers briefly considered adding ‘orgasm’ to the package, but decided they could not in good faith guarantee that they would be able to provide one.
