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Students Make A Difference By Voting for Student Government
Due to students’ votes, significant changes will be made to the Penn community.
BREAKING: Mask and Wig Does Not Exist
Students, when asked if another bastion of privilege and whiteness was needed on Penn’s campus, responded with a resounding ‘no’.
Brooke O'Harra To Join Chris Wallace In Moderator Support Group
O'Harra received heavy criticism in the Zoom chat for asking Mulaney, a stand-up comedian and actor, about investment banking and consulting. She also reportedly only smiled 6 times throughout the entire call, causing students to call her "sus" in that chat.
Fuck It: Third Pret In Huntsman
And in order to complete this project, we are reallocating some funding that was previously used for...Wild Cats? Oh sorry, Wilcaf," said Gutmann, squinting at the budget memo she was reading from.
Quiz: Did You Leave the Oven On?
Ah, what a wonderful autumn morning! Youu2019ve woken up, eaten a hearty breakfast, and walked out the door ready to conquer the day. Thereu2019s nothing that could possibly ruin this amazing-- oh, wait a minute. Fiddlesticks.
You Don’t Have COVID... You Just Have Polio
Polio victims have had a long history of pushing progressive policies. A polio victim pushed through the New Deal. Who does Coronavirus have? Donald Trump? Chris Christie? Lindsay Graham?
OP-ED: I Literally Would Have Cured Coronavirus by Now if My Lectures Actually Ended on Time
We could meal prep for the week, attend ten 60-second lectures, or take a really good shit - if only our professors actually respected our time.
QUIZ: Peaches the Pony Needs Your Ketamine for Life-Saving Surgery— Will You Give it to Her?
UTB Staff
Tuesday, Oct. 13, 2020Tue, Oct 13, 2020
Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you?
Professor Announcing First Essay Due Oct. 15, as if Sam Receiving Letter Grade
“I love that he’s trying to set up a little schedule for himself during all of this chaos,” said Jafri in reference to his professor’s firm and unwavering midterm deadline. “I read that that can be really helpful in trying to feel like you have a sense of control. Genuinely, it’s so sweet he’s setting goals for himself. I’m really happy for him.”
Report: “Virtual Snacks with the Dean” Greatest Threat to Our Collective Grasp on Reality
“I love snacks,” Dean Sneigowski professed, his glowing virtual avatar violently glitching in and out of its frame. “Won’t you come enjoy some with me?”
BREAKING: Friendly Reminder Is Lowkey Unfriendly :(
Professional linguists have derived the following translation after meticulous analysis: “Bitch can you read?”
OP-ED: I’m a Freshman Who’s Been to Penn Once But You Can Def Trust What I Have to Say
You can believe everything I have to say about this school because I basically go here already. With Eric Furda’s approval, my trusty lanyard, and steamy Ben Franklin statue photos, I have the holy trinity of being a seasoned Penn student.
"It's Almost Fall ;)" Announces Girl With Extensive Spongebob Sweater Collection
While some look forward to Halloween, some are eagerly awaiting posting selfies with pumpkin spice lattes, and others are preparing for sweater weather. Adriana Cortez is part of that last group.
Speed Run: Getting Blocked by Irresponsible at Penn
At a blistering 36.74 seconds, UTB has just broken the world record for getting blocked by Irresponsible at Penn.
Under the Button’s Guide to Voting (For Girls and Gays)
3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty.
Greedy and Bloodthirsty Administration Urges Students to Put Penn as Their Life Insurance Beneficiary
The administration has urged the students to put the University down as their life insurance beneficiary, and, after doing so, the students will be hunted down for sport.
In Fear of Chinese Spying, US Bans Paper, Compass, Explosives
“Due to the ban of paper, we iterate it is the patriotic duty of all Americans to discontinue the use of toilet paper, and adopt leaves, corn cobs, and rocks,” said Ross.
Under the Button Endorses Kim Kardashian West as Ruth Bader Ginsburg's Replacement
Over the past few years, Mrs. Kardashian West has shown a keen interest in matters relating to jurisprudence and legal philosophy.
