Student Introduces New Apex Predator to Beat Roach Infestation, Now Plagued by Hyena Infestation
Henderson did not realize it at the time, but he was creating a diverse ecosystem in his apartment — one that was becoming increasingly unstable.
Most Recent
A Penn Freshman's Guide to Using LinkedIn
Recent studies have shown that you should not use LinkedIn. Other studies have shown that LinkedIn is good to use; this, however, is not the case.
OP-ED: At This Point I Would Change My Name to Carey Law School For, Like, $5
If I was in Penn Law's shoes, I totally would have changed my name for that much money. You kidding? Jesus Christ, dude. You know how many fucking textbooks I could buy with that money?
'My Time at Penn Was Transformative,' Says Alumnus Who Acquired a Cocaine Problem While Here
From Wall Street to the Upper East Side and to the black Escalade which shuttled them to and fro, Ivy-League graduates from a time before the present returned to their alma mater.
UPenn Mad Libs
James Blume
Saturday, Nov. 16, 2019Sat, Nov 16, 2019
Take a stab at this Penn-themed fill-in-the-blank activity!
It's Equality: My Girl Calls Me Daddy, But I Call Her Mommy
I know what the rest of you patriarchal trash are thinking right now — the word “mommy” has no place in the bedroom. You could not be further from the truth. “Daddy” has become a mainstay of a typical American sex life for a reason.
12 Ways to Keep Your Testes Warm
With the weather getting colder and colder, it is essential to keep your extremities warm, especially those that can pass your genes.
Study Shows Drunk Girls Complimenting You More Effective Than Penn’s Mental Health Efforts
Despite the various attempts by the Penn administration to improve the mental health services they provide, many students have found the availability and breadth of resources to be unsatisfactory.
OP-ED: Now That It’s Cold Out, I Can Wear Multiple Sweaters to Hide the Fact That I Am Several Ferrets and Canned Vegetables Stacked on Top of Each Other
The strangeness of my body type (mostly a mass of tangled, wriggling ferrets and canned corn) is most conducive to sweater weather. Then, my body appears normal, at least when I am artfully arranged on a large leather armchair.
Quiz: Pothole on Spruce or Meteor Crater?
Caroline Curran
Thursday, Nov. 14, 2019Thu, Nov 14, 2019
Is this just a classic case of the freeze-and-thaw cycle on our paved streets or is it Korolev, the famous ice-filled impact crater that's located within the Mare Boreum section of Mars and is a whopping 81.4 kilometers in diameter?
OP-ED: Oh, You’re in a Comedy Group! Boy Do I Have Some Ideas for You!
You know what’s also really funny sometimes? Penn jokes! Like about how Wharton students and how they love finance lol. That’s good comedy. Why do they love finance so much?
All of the Places on Campus You Can Get a Milkshake in Secret
The recent closure of Bobby’s Burger Palace has left many students perplexed with a complex issue. Where can they go to drown their weekly sorrows in large, chilled, probably overpriced milkshakes? Students of the “Penn Students Who Love or Appreciate Milkshakes and Other Ice Cream Based Beverages Social Group,” otherwise known as PSWLOAMAOICBBSG for short, no longer feel that their passion can be shared in the open anymore.
Democratic Presidential Candidate Who Is Not Elizabeth Warren to Visit Campus as If I Care
The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore.
TA Not Paid Enough to Have Entire Baseball Team in One Recitation
While your TA Greg is paid enough to sustain his body during this hour, he is not paid enough to sustain his soul.
Girl Wants to Wish Her Stunning Best Friend a Happy Fucking Birthday
To commemorate Rubinson’s special day, Goldman posted the following message, spread across a 125 installment Instagram story: “To the best person I know. To the person I would die for. To the girl who knows how to have a good time like no one else. To the girl who can deepthroat a candelabra. Happy. Fucking. Birthday. Jenna."
Penn to Get Serious About Bio Pond Skunk Infestation
Dealing with animal infestations has never been one of Penn's top priorities; however, the skunk infestation at the Bio Pond is simply getting out of hand. "Every time you walk through the area, it just reeks!" one biology professor complained. "Enough of us professors got together and told the University that it had to do something. We can't work on a campus like this."
Letter from Amy Gutmann: What Is the Netter Center?
For this reason, I am asking you, the students, to inform me, Amy Gutmann, about a new program that Penn has very recently implemented. I am, of course, asking about the Netter Center mindset that has taken over the campus. Students, I hear you. This Netter Center building is important to you. I would love to know why.
Cackling Professor Uses 'Bomb Countdown Online' to Time Midterm
“It’s kind of hard to apply Stokes’ Theorem when a piece of Wile E. Coyote’s arsenal is smoking and sputtering in front of your very eyes, you know?”
Hey, Does Anyone Know When Photos from the Chestnut Hill Potter Festival Are Coming Out?
Is it too much to ask for some high-quality pictures of me playing quidditch in the heart of historic Chestnut Hill?
