12 Ways to Keep Your Testes Warm
With the weather getting colder and colder, it is essential to keep your extremities warm, especially those that can pass your genes.
News
All of the Places on Campus You Can Get a Milkshake in Secret
The recent closure of Bobby’s Burger Palace has left many students perplexed with a complex issue. Where can they go to drown their weekly sorrows in large, chilled, probably overpriced milkshakes? Students of the “Penn Students Who Love or Appreciate Milkshakes and Other Ice Cream Based Beverages Social Group,” otherwise known as PSWLOAMAOICBBSG for short, no longer feel that their passion can be shared in the open anymore.
12 Ways to Keep Your Testes Warm
With the weather getting colder and colder, it is essential to keep your extremities warm, especially those that can pass your genes.
Study Shows Drunk Girls Complimenting You More Effective Than Penn’s Mental Health Efforts
Despite the various attempts by the Penn administration to improve the mental health services they provide, many students have found the availability and breadth of resources to be unsatisfactory.
All of the Places on Campus You Can Get a Milkshake in Secret
The recent closure of Bobby’s Burger Palace has left many students perplexed with a complex issue. Where can they go to drown their weekly sorrows in large, chilled, probably overpriced milkshakes? Students of the “Penn Students Who Love or Appreciate Milkshakes and Other Ice Cream Based Beverages Social Group,” otherwise known as PSWLOAMAOICBBSG for short, no longer feel that their passion can be shared in the open anymore.
Democratic Presidential Candidate Who Is Not Elizabeth Warren to Visit Campus as If I Care
The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore.
TA Not Paid Enough to Have Entire Baseball Team in One Recitation
While your TA Greg is paid enough to sustain his body during this hour, he is not paid enough to sustain his soul.
Girl Wants to Wish Her Stunning Best Friend a Happy Fucking Birthday
To commemorate Rubinson’s special day, Goldman posted the following message, spread across a 125 installment Instagram story: “To the best person I know. To the person I would die for. To the girl who knows how to have a good time like no one else. To the girl who can deepthroat a candelabra. Happy. Fucking. Birthday. Jenna."
Penn to Get Serious About Bio Pond Skunk Infestation
Dealing with animal infestations has never been one of Penn's top priorities; however, the skunk infestation at the Bio Pond is simply getting out of hand. "Every time you walk through the area, it just reeks!" one biology professor complained. "Enough of us professors got together and told the University that it had to do something. We can't work on a campus like this."
Cackling Professor Uses 'Bomb Countdown Online' to Time Midterm
“It’s kind of hard to apply Stokes’ Theorem when a piece of Wile E. Coyote’s arsenal is smoking and sputtering in front of your very eyes, you know?”
Amy Gutmann to Rename Herself Following $250 Million Donation
My new name is an enormous honor, and it completely captures Penn's mission as a prestigious research university."
Grandparents Brag That Precious Jacob Is Eligible for Advanced Registration at Penn
The grandparents of Jacob Fitzman (C ’23) gleamed with pride when their precious grandson informed them that he was currently participating in advanced registration for Spring classes. In only a matter of minutes, the entire Fitzman family had received calls to hear the news.
‘I Should Buy a Plant for My Room,' Thinks Soon-To-Be Plant Murderer
Milton, who will purchase a cute little succulent and accidentally kill it within a week, reasoned that a plant would look good in his room and that he could definitely take care of it.
Freshman Realizes Last Night's Hookup Was Neighbor
He stumbled out the door into a very familiar hallway; the door across the hall had a little sign on it that had his name on it.
Professor with No Laptop Policy Unaware He Is Boring and Unfuckable
Hopefully, it’s not too late to withdraw from the class.
Penn Student Spat on by Coffee Shop Employees past 44th Street
Increasingly fed up with the entitled student body at the University of Pennsylvania, the coffee shop workers by day and political radicals by night native to the West Philly area have taken to retaliatory action
Interview with the Handsome Old Man in Your Lecture
Retired, arthritis-ridden, and almost certainly a billionaire, Mister Riley Johnson takes pride in being an auditor.
History Department Rebrands to Ancient Alien Focus
“Next semester I will be exploring the role that LSD-using aliens had in developing world religions."
Penn Protestors Now Charging For Photographs
Following the posting of a now-viral TikTok video depicting worldwide sweetheart Pamela De La Cruz dancing to obnoxiously loud reggaeton music before a sign that read “Be A Ho No Mo,” the ‘Penn Protesters’ have released a statement of disapproval. “It’s unfair,” said the one who wears the shirt with only 2 slurs on it. “We’re the ones who stand out in the cold all day. We make these signs and practice our preaching, and we’re not even getting a portion of the ad revenue you guys are making?”
New Wharton Class Requirement: 'How to Avoid Conspiring with Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, Just in Case'
To the dismay of Wharton students, the administration has just added an additional required class for all Wharton undergrads. How to Avoid Conspiring With Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, or BEPP-650, will be taken by all students during their senior year. Professor Andrew Bui will be teaching the first iteration of the course starting next semester.
Decoding Drunk Text Now Fulfills Language Requirement
“My mom only speaks in drunk texts, so this new DDT class is really exciting for me. I only spoke it a little back at home, so I never really never learned."
BREAKING: CAPS to Be Relocated to Camden
“This location is far enough to provide Penn students with considerable anonymity and close enough for it to technically still be accessible to Penn students."
