Opinion
No Nut November: If You Bring P*can Pie to Thanksgiving, I'll Vomit Directly On You
Let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie.
Here's How to Justify That Party You Went To
Your best fremeny only turns 20 and a half ONCE.
No Nut November: If You Bring P*can Pie to Thanksgiving, I'll Vomit Directly On You
Let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie.
Op-Ed: Nicki Minaj Deserves A Pulitzer Prize
The fact that Bob Dylan has a Pulitzer Prize and Nicki Minaj does not is utterly reprehensible.
If Everyone Is Beautiful in Their Own Way, Where Are the Ugly People?
I know that ugly people did not just disappear, even if they can trick us by editing their imperfections away using FaceTune.
Coronavirus Caused Me To Lose My Sense of Taste In Men
I am still having trouble tasting the difference between a genuine, loving companion and that frat guy who told me, “You know, you and my dad’s yacht have something in common. You can both handle my load.”
UTB MadLibs: Can YOU Help Donald Write His Victory Speech?
I want to thank (celebrity), (closeted-gay Republican), (sell-out democrat), (porn star), (Trump family member), and myself.
Election Fixed All Our Racism Problems, It's Time To Go Back To Brunch!
Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing wealth and racial inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe!
Op-Ed: I'm Anti-Flu Shot Because I Need Both My Arms for Jerking Off
Sorry, Dad! I know that you live a pious, sex-less life, you soggy Mitch McConnell-look alike and that neither you nor mother has touched your Sahara Desert of a peen since 2015, but this meat’s gotta get tenderized on the reg.
OP-ED: Only Losers Vote Early. I'm Voting Fashionably Late.
So today, November 5th, when I cast my vote, I will bring the action and the excitement. I will be the life of the party - both Democratic and Republican. And, most importantly, I will be the only insta-story with a pic at the polls.
Presidential Election, Who? Damn, No One Told Me That Was Yesterday
What a shame Trump might win Pennsylvania on a razor thin margin. If only people had gone out and done the work… reminding me to vote.
How to Tell Your White Friends That They Will Spend the Rest of Eternity Burning in Hell
The idea of piety is fundamentally at odds with the cultural habits of white people. The idea of salvation is, quite frankly, laughable.
Professor Assigns So Much Work Wallowing in Sorrow Cut From 2 Hours to 30 Minutes
My professors have recently been cutting into that time more and more, to the point that I may not have any time tonight to contemplate my existence while listening to Frank Ocean.
How to Perfect Your Spook-tacular Amy Gutmann Halloween Costume
The best way to lock down a Gutmann costume is to spook West Philly residents. Strutting down the streets, checking out future Penn property, being the gentrifying queen you are. Maybe there’s a cool space to build New College House West West?
If Penn Says I Can't Come, I'm Showing up With a Signed Note From My Mom
My mom is NOT the type of woman to sign notes for me willy nilly! That's why I was shocked when my mom told me that I would be going to school this spring regardless of University protocol.
8-hour Voting Lines Are Actually Vital For a Well-Functioning American Democracy
While you gleefully wait to vote, you can discuss with others in line with you… even those across the political aisle. You can discuss important items - like the candidates, policies, and how long the line is that y’all are currently standing in.
It's Literally 50% Likely to Happen: You Can't Keep Naming Divorce as Your Childhood Trauma
Maybe your mom lost that signature twinkle in her eye, and your dad simply couldn’t bear to look at her anymore.
5 Ways to Announce You’re Going Back In The Closet Following ACB Confirmation
Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!
OP-ED: Spotted Red Lantern Flies Are My Only Source of Physical Touch
At this point, I need to take what I can get, and what I can get is spotted red lantern flies.
