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Opinion


OP-ED: I’m Sick of Getting Cock Blocked by Fall Every Damn Day

Sometimes, when the high is 67°, I feel a sense of hope. I get a semi for fall. I might even drink hot tea. But then, the next day it's back to a cesspool of heat and I am left sweating, flaccid, and with no release.


OP-ED: I Can’t Drink Coke Anymore Without Tasting Bottom-Shelf Vodka

The sweet, idyllic taste of my childhood has now been tainted with the harsh, nauseating taste of hand sanitizer. 


Oh Boy! Nick the Librarian Is Coming to Class to Teach Me Primary Sources Again

Every professor tells me the same thing about you Nick, that you’re a “great resource when writing a paper,” but let’s be real, when it’s down to the wire, I’m going on funfactz.com/great-depression to write my paper not Articles+ on Franklin.


So Do We Just Steal from Mark's Cafe Now?

Why in the world would I not just grab my Sushi and Red Bull and walk away?


OP-ED: CVS on Walnut and 40th Is My Safe Space

No other CVS compares, and I’ve tried dozens. The CVS near Franklin’s Table is cold and unfeeling; the aisles stretch infinitely backward, the shelves are higher and menacing, the granola bar selection is subpar at best, seriously lacking in mint chip Cliff bars at worst.


Photo Essay: These Are All the Places on Campus I Would Kiss My Girlfriend If I Had One

I don't have a girlfriend (yet), but I've started making plans for when I inevitably get one. I did some scouting and put together this list of six extremely romantic places on campus where I would kiss her. Man, I love her so much already.


OP-ED: I Am Quitting Under the Button Because I Am in Love with My Coworker

UTB, I'll miss you. Seth Fein, I love you.


Robots Rejoice! ARCH Cafe is Ours

HUMANS! GONE ARE YOUR HAND-CRAFTED TORTAS AND CHIPS, YOUR TANGY BEVERAGES, YOUR DELICIOUS SALSA! WE HAVE REPLACED THEM WITH HOT POCKETS AND INSTANT PIZZA. ARE YOU NOT AFRAID?


OP-ED: Do You Want to Go out Tonight? I Know a Frat That Will Make Us Both Really Uncomfortable

I know this frat on Spruce where we’ll have a really bad time and immediately want to leave. The guys at this frat are simultaneously really mean to everyone and also sexually attracted to everyone.


OP-ED: If My 4 Twitter Followers Don't like My Funny Tweet I Will Self-Immolate

I am funny, and if you think otherwise then my sense of humor is probably beyond you.


How to Recover from Having Your Snapchat Camera Flipped the Wrong Way While Taking a Piss at a Urinal

Stay perfectly still like you’re just a mannequin of a boy peeing. Science has proven that if you stay perfectly still, people will think you are a statue or an art installation.


OP-ED: Someone Answer My Piazza Question Before I Fucking Lose It

I’m going to ‘good question’ my question just to make sure everyone sees it.


Cool! Girl Next to me Staring at Her Phone Even Though We Both Know Damn Well There's No Service on This Elevator

If you’ve ever been in one of the high rises, you know there’s no service on the elevators. In addition to there being no service on this particular elevator, there are also no other people. Sources say it’s just me and this bitch.


OP-ED: Hey Remember Me? I’m Your Dad’s Business Friend’s Son! We Should Have Lunch Sometime!

My dad emailed your dad that I was coming here, and he said I should text you. 


Biden, Stop Wearing Sunglasses We Know You Have Pink Eye

His penchant for covering his face with ray-bands that went out of style twenty years ago should’ve been a sign.


Finance Bros Agree: Tiger Is a Sick Name for a Hedge Fund

Maybe I'll name my hedge fund Liger Global. Those names are different enough.


OP-ED: Buying Back to School Stationery Is the Only Way I Can Feel Anything Anymore

There is only one date I cling to: the beginning of the next school year, when this meaningless cycle begins all over again, and I order more pens off of Amazon.


Its Great to Be Back! In My Cubicle on the 3rd Floor of VP

Upon returning to campus, I visited my old friend to dust off its smooth, vandalized sides and to caress it.


OP-ED: Penn Should Build the Seyoung Kim House

It would be a house just for me and my closest friends. We could hang out every day! It would be so much fun. I don’t say this enough, but I love my friends a lot.


I Transferred to Wharton to Concentrate in Accounting

Basically, I was born to account. For things. And that’s why I transferred to Wharton.


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