Opinion
Op-Ed: Next UPenn President Must Work to Lower Ketamine Prices in Philadelphia
A gram of recreational ketamine, which was sold for a mere nickel on Locust Walk back in 1970, now goes for at least $300, and that’s only if you supplement your dealer with a blowie.
Devil Incarnate! Why Welcome Home Balloons Haunt Me
Your heart beats in your ears; you see its shadow projected on the door ahead; your mouth goes dry. You are not alone. You remain still—silent—while you turn your neck slowly; your eyes widen as you see the horror behind you —WELCOME HOME.
"No, SWIRL Cone Please." "For the Last Time Ma’am, We Are Out of Chocolate Ice Cream"
"Hello, welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?" Those sacred words made my heart leap. I had been waiting for them all day.
Six Hobbies for Gay People to Try Now that Pride Month is Over
It might be worthwhile to take up some hobbies while you wait for the limelight again.
Hey Everyone, Is It Too Late to Get a Summer Internship?
So far, I haven't seen any job openings I liked since I started my search 15 minutes ago, but I'm sure something will turn up...
Op-Ed: I Write for UTB, Now Give Me Twitter Clout
Yeah, I’ve been told I should do standup comedy, but tweeting nonsequiturs on the internet under the moniker “jasonson” is so much more fun, and the likes give me instant gratification.
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Op-Ed: Why Gentrification Is Okay When I Do It
I think it's fine, so it is.
How to Convey That You Are Divorced, Remarried, Both With Children of Your Own, and Sometimes Still See Your Ex on the Side All Through Windshield Stick Figure Stickers
The public seems to be very excited about this new mode of intimate oversharing.
UTB's Guide for Surviving Movie Sex Scenes With Dad
Excited for quality time with Papa, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.
Celebrate Dad by Recreating That BBQ Shown During the Side Effects of Every Medication Ad
There's still time to string together the one thing that Dad has been hoping for: that idealized fantasy picnic shown during the side effects of every medication ad.
Op-Ed: 20 Years Old Is Not Too Old for Father’s Day Breakfast in Bed
I know you wanted to go all out for Father's Day, but sometimes you're lazy, broke, or both. What to do? Time to whip out an old reliable: Breakfast in Bed.
John I Can’t Turn off the Speech to Text Feature What I Can’t Turn off the Speech to Text Feature That’s Weird Stop off Stop It Fuck Siri off This Piece of Junk Is Broken
this is so ducking annoying why won’t it say duck duck duck fuck got it
How to Not Set Yourself on Fire When Someone Bumps Message on Slack
Drop all your activities. Read The Bible. Download Tinder. Marry Sarwar Shah from the 40th St Halal Truck. Busy yourself with domestic work.
“You Don’t Understand Me!” and Other Zingers for a Constructive Disagreement With Your Parents
"I hate you!" is the perfect phrase to yell at your parents as you beg them to love you and give you everything you ask for.
‘Skabort!’ and Other Onomatopoeia to Spice up Your Sex Life
We promise "Skabort" will be a crowd favorite at your next orgy.
OP-ED: I'm Hungies
YES! Let’s just smoke a cigarette. Delish! Nothing tastes better than that.
If Nothing Matters, Then Why Am I So Important?
Even the Halal guy tells me that I am important.
Why I Refuse to See Other Women as Competition Unless They Are the Same Race As Me
I’m all against competitions unless it’s coming down between me and another Chinese skank. In that case, there is absolutely a competition and I’m winning.