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Opinion


My Study Abroad Was Great, Thanks for Asking!

While at first I was pretty bummed that my semester was cut short, I now realize that study abroad wasn't going to give me anything I couldn't get from the comfort of my own home.


Dear Penn: When You're Moving My Stuff, I Also Left a Sweatshirt in DRL Can You Get That?

It's black and has my high school (Oakcrest) on it. There are some stains on the right sleeve, I promise it's just ketchup, not blood or anything. Heh. Anyway, if you could go to DRL and get it, it would really mean a lot to me.


Goodbye Hot Girl Summer, Hello Pasty Girl Spring

2019 is over. It is time to say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer and hello to Pasty Girl Spring.


OP-ED: Ask CHAS to Send You Your Vibrator Already, You Strong, Liberated Woman You

This isn't about you. It's about liberated women everywhere. It's about women everywhere who are really fucking lonely. You can do it. We believe in you. 


OP-ED: Who Needs Dean's List When You Have Craigslist?

Craigslist exists to help us build ourselves up as a community, whereas Dean’s List exists to break us apart and tear us down.


Feeling a Little Down? You Deserve It.

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Figments of Our Collective Imagination: Amy Gutmann As a Mythological Symbol of the American Dream

Always appearing at official university functions, but only from a distance. So rarely seen that meeting her around campus is a newsworthy event — one that must be documented with photographic evidence for your peers.


OP-ED: Penn Should Let Students Choose Their Own Grade

That girl from your chem class that had to get her eyes rinsed three times this semester? Definitely knows she deserves a B- at best. And for you, the one person in your class that actually gets your work done on time and perfectly crafts every essay and problem set despite being drunk or hungover the entire weekend? The coveted A+, reserved for only the worthiest of students. 


OP-ED: S-S-Sorry I Ha ve a Bad Zo om conn ct on. Can Y He ar Me Now?

My n   ame's Blurr  yface an d I c  are w hat y ou thi    nk


OP-ED: Here’s How Tulsi Can Still Win

Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.


Oh No, Teacher Trying to Draw With Trackpad on Virtual Whiteboard

The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.


OP-ED: It's Insensitive To Call It A "Good" Friday

Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.


OP-ED: I Had Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease During the 2019 Football Outbreak. Here's Why Last Semester Should Be P/F Too

Luckily, I recovered from hand, foot, and mouth disease — but my GPA never will.


OP-ED: I Shaved a Slit in My Eyebrow Because I’m Doing Super Great and Feeling Super Awesome

This was not a desperate attempt at control — it was just a simple aesthetic choice.


Op-Ed: I Don’t Need to Know What a Flat White Is to Order It Exclusively

Listen, I know there’s coffee in it. I know that there’s something else because it’s not just regular coffee. I don’t know how it’s different from a cappuccino or why it seems to cost more. Do I need to know these things to order it everywhere I go? No!


5 Ways to Cope with Whatever the Fuck This Is

5. Playing Monopoly with your family. For those of you who have a family, it might help your mood to dip your toes in our upcoming anarcho-capitalist dystopia by playing some friendly matches of the board game. 


Five Hilarious Zoom Backgrounds That Will Get the Whole Squad Laughing

No flippin’ way, man… NO FLIPPIN’ WAY! ARE YOU IN FLIPPIN' SAN FRANCISCO RIGHT NOW?? Is that… IS THAT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???


OP-ED: I Want to Receive Shiny Smiley Face Stickers on My Transcript Instead of Grades

Although graduate programs may be confused as to how to interpret the stickers, I think they’ll quickly learn that anything holographic is innately superior to any sticker that has a flaccid, one-dimensional color scheme.


Wait, Where Did Everyone Go? Asks Secluded Engineering Student

There were empty boxes — empty boxes everywhere. Someone really went to town on Amazon Prime, I thought.


Penn Should Implement Universal Fail. Here’s Why.

A universal fail policy would ensure that no student will be forced to pass their classes, no matter their circumstances at home.


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