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Opinion


OP-ED: My Ethnic Nose is Carrying This Diversity Initiative

Arab noses can be so beautiful, darling.


Counterpoints: "Penn Must Contend with its Complicated Legacy of Displacement" vs. "Sucks to Suck, That's the Free Market"

Two authors offer compelling viewpoints regarding the ongoing UC Townhomes controversy. 


10 Places to Perform Queer Longing After Your Situationship Moves Onto the Next Artsy Gay Pennsylvanian

I just found out that no one dies from love? This discovery has me shocked and upset to say the least. 


What?! Sigma Alpha Epsilon Not Actually Delicious Smoothie Bowl?

SAE was even rumored to throw late nights and events, how festive! Students even called SAE "dank," as a California girl who loves to hit the blunt, I was sold.


Report: Desserts Such as Bread Pudding

I’m literally addicted to food I have to eat it every day.


OP-ED: Calling Gutmann College House "The Gutty" Until I Quite Frankly Die

That building is The Gutty. Guh-tee. ?????.


OP-ED: If Low Rise Is Trendy Then Why Am I on the 24th Floor of Rodin?

How could I disobey such an important cause, such a vital commandment? 


OP-ED: Mask and Wig Should Do One of These Shows Every Week!

You’re gonna come, they dangle a pocket watch in front of your face. Your vision goes black. All you can think about is the Mask & Wig show. You’re convinced. 


OP-ED: Give Me a Wet, Sloppy European Kiss on the Cheek

Get it over with, wet and sloppy, just like I asked.


Your Decorations Are So Cute! And 7 Other Lies Guaranteed to Get You Friends in College

“You’re so good at Math 1400… I wish I could do derivatives like you.”


Take Your Mind off of Academic Woes! Browse These Fall-Fun-Photos of Amy G’s Warm Toned Midcentury Princeton Home on Zillow

Everything about this house says: I was the longest serving president in Penn history.


im so lonely im gonna mert myself

taketh me hence in an ambulance, a warmeth forehead’s kiss <3


OP-ED: I Am a True Artist Who Cannot “Come to Club Meeting” or “Buy Alc for Pregame”

Shall I let the image of me approaching imminent death hang above my head like the Sword of Damocles? My mortality alone is principle enough.


OP-ED: Wharton Alliance Should Allow LGBTQ+ Allies to Cissy That Walk!

Cishet men/women dating in a nebulous queer way shall immediately be VPs of the diversity and inclusion committee.


There Will Be Blood: My Hallmate Fucked My Mom

When I met him during move-in my heart skipped a beat. So did my mom's. 


Woke Mob Hasn’t Cancelled David Bowie but Here Are the 10 Tweets I Will Fire Off if They Hypothetically Did

I am a top student at the University of Pennsylvania, not a prostitute.


Help! My Appearance Has Been Suffering, Please Send Me Thoughts About Me

Indeed, I have even attempted walking closely behind freshmen with hopes of corralling the trailings of their unregulated pheromones into my shell of a body. 


OP-ED: I’m Smiling Due to My Joy!

A failed situationship did not derail my life for four months!


OP-ED: The People in the High Rise Across From You Have Much More Fun and Interesting Lives

If I lived in Rodin, all my dreams would come true.


DONT SKIP!!! READ THIS ARTICLE FOR 10 YEARS OF LUCK (SHARE 3 TIMES TO LOCK IN YOUR KARMA)

MANIFESTATION IS REAL IF YOU SKIP THIS ARTICLE YOU WILL HAVE BAD KARMA FOREVER!!!! AND A PIANO WILL DROP ON YOUR HEAD AT 11:11PM!!!!!!


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