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Opinion


OP-ED: Now That It’s Cold Out, I Can Wear Multiple Sweaters to Hide the Fact That I Am Several Ferrets and Canned Vegetables Stacked on Top of Each Other

The strangeness of my body type (mostly a mass of tangled, wriggling ferrets and canned corn) is most conducive to sweater weather. Then, my body appears normal, at least when I am artfully arranged on a large leather armchair. 


OP-ED: Oh, You’re in a Comedy Group! Boy Do I Have Some Ideas for You!

You know what’s also really funny sometimes? Penn jokes! Like about how Wharton students and how they love finance lol. That’s good comedy. Why do they love finance so much?


Letter from Amy Gutmann: What Is the Netter Center?

For this reason, I am asking you, the students, to inform me, Amy Gutmann, about a new program that Penn has very recently implemented. I am, of course, asking about the Netter Center mindset that has taken over the campus. Students, I hear you. This Netter Center building is important to you. I would love to know why.


Hey, Does Anyone Know When Photos from the Chestnut Hill Potter Festival Are Coming Out?

Is it too much to ask for some high-quality pictures of me playing quidditch in the heart of historic Chestnut Hill?


4 Ways to Make Your Roommate Think You’re Having a Lot Sex

Furthermore, an occasional high five after your response can go a long way. Body language is key in making your roommate think you’re getting some. 


Respect: This Guy Gets It

It ain't easy. It ain't hard, either. Some guys get it, some don't.


OP-ED: I Only Got into Penn Because of My Elaborately Dressed American Girl Doll Collection

I own 21 dolls, 13 of which are historical, and I have to dress them for their respective time periods unless I want to look like a goddamn fool when I carry them around with me.


OP-ED: Amy Gutmann Will Die One Day and This Makes Me Sad

Amy Gutmann ages, just like the rest of us. And when you age too much, you die. And when you die you can’t be the president of the University of Pennsylvania.


OP-ED: DP's Refusal to Endorse Anyone in Boise Mayoral Election Is Unspeakable

This defies reason. Boise, the cultural heart of the northwest, faces dramatic political realignment. Mayoral endorsement by the Daily Pennsylvanian would have gone a long way in shaping the future of this vital region.


OP-ED: If Student-Athletes Are in Such Good Shape, Why Do They Need to Ride Scooters?

I don’t know much about Penn’s athletics, but I do know that student-athletes are not only students but also they’re athletes. This duality means that they do physical exercise on a regular basis in addition to studying. Logically, then, one might assume that student-athletes are in good shape.


Regrade Request: Here's Twenty Bucks ;)

How did that even get there? I don't have the slightest.


Is She Asking Me out or Just Trying to Convert Me to Christianity

The issue with coming from New Jersey is that I have no experience with Christianity. My high school was made up exclusively of Jews, atheists, and Jewish atheists.


OP-ED: Why I’m so Proud of Eric Tse and All of His Money

Imagine: One day Eric is posing with Lily Aldridge at a Bulgari party in Venice but is not a billionaire. The next moment, he is posing with Lily Aldridge at a Bulgari party in Venice and is a billionaire. It almost makes me tear up when I think about it.


OP-ED: God Gave Cis Majors Self-Doubt Because He Doesn't Want Them to Break out of the Matrix

A recent study by the University of Pennsylvania found that 100% of CIS majors at Penn experience self-doubt, and some straight-up depression. But why? Could it be the crippling amount of work they are expected to complete every week? Perhaps it's the strictly-enforced private nature of their work that allows for no open collaboration with other CIS students who might otherwise ease their grief.


Why Are DP Sports Columnists Under the Impression I Care?

An entire section of this student-run newspaper was dedicated to sports!


My Dog Hates ISIS, but You Don’t See Him Bragging About It

Wilco had no comment. But I could tell he was proud to be an American.


OP-ED: You May Have a Cartier Bracelet and a Job Lined up at Goldman, but I Have Syphilis, so Who’s Laughing Now?

Poor baby, you don’t know anything about reality. You probably don’t even have lesions on your genitals. How are you going to work at a big, bad company like Goldman without a disfiguring STI?


OP-ED: I Don’t Use Handshake Because It Spreads Germs

Handshake calls itself “the largest career community for students and recent grads.” Well, do you know where diseases spread? That’s right — communities. And do you know how they spread? Physical touch.


To My Writing Sem. Professor: So, You Didn't like My Fanfic?

Sure, I didn’t read Goffman’s The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life but I’m sure you didn’t either. Where was the romance? The suspense? 


I Pointed a Fan at High Rise Field to Give It a Taste of Its Own Medicine

My fan might be small, but my wind-fueled hatred towards you and everything you stand for is immense.


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