Even the Halal guy tells me that I am important. 

I’m all against competitions unless it’s coming down between me and another Chinese skank. In that case, there is absolutely a competition and I’m winning.

Good dick is good dick.

Hundreds if not thousands of students pass through Penn without once experiencing the wonder that is the poke bowl at Bento. No wonder people are so glum here.  

I’m prepared to weather whatever resistance I am met with by mothers, fathers, and every other fucker under a baby’s conspiratorial spell.

Bring justice to us future lung cancer patients.

We cannot even imagine the depth and breadth of Penn's sphere of influence. There's the saying "money makes the world go 'round," but I think the more apt expression is: "money makes the world burn, especially if it's Penn's money." 

 The DP Angels is an advice column brought to you by your DP Design girlies, where we respond to questions from the Penn community concerning all things romance, social life, and campus culture! 

Privilege is so lit. Probably the best thing about being a straight white male.

 Like many regretful property owners, we were emboldened by a particularly charismatic real estate agent who convinced us to stretch just a little bit beyond our budget. 

Penn’s willful ignorance of Orthodox Jewish students’ religious practices, as well as Stephanie’s well-planned-out schedule to live it the fuck up in Bora Bora can be corrected. 

Honors/Awards: Second best bong ripper in my frat, 99+ Tinder likes, Definitely not a virgin, Was hazed for two years instead of the usual one year 

Absque amore est vita inutilia. Life without love is useless.

Penn can be a scary and confusing place to navigate. But don’t worry! To help students turn the challenges of Penn into opportunities for growth, we at UTB have discovered the easiest tips and tricks to success! 

Woah, are you okay man? That looked like a pretty nasty fall back there, but I’m glad you’re alright! Geez Louise, don’t scare me like that, bro.

What is that succulent scent wafting through the hallowed halls of Harnwell? God damn it. Is that steak au poivre?

Please send in a picture (FULL BODY!!!) and a brief description of yourself. Include BMI, favorite position, income, and list of daily vitamins. I promise that if you are the right fit, we will have an amazing time together :) 

“It’s disrespectful towards those in the Philadelphia community who have always been hospitable towards these kids and literally can’t even get into an invite-only rush event. It’s bullshit.”

But is any of this effort enough to gear me up for the absolute bloodbath on the second floor of Panera Bread? 

I know what you’re all thinking: Aren’t there so many better reasons to sacrifice children than to welcome the harvest? The answer is no, there isn’t.