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Opinion


Five Hilarious Zoom Backgrounds That Will Get the Whole Squad Laughing

No flippin’ way, man… NO FLIPPIN’ WAY! ARE YOU IN FLIPPIN' SAN FRANCISCO RIGHT NOW?? Is that… IS THAT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???


OP-ED: I Want to Receive Shiny Smiley Face Stickers on My Transcript Instead of Grades

Although graduate programs may be confused as to how to interpret the stickers, I think they’ll quickly learn that anything holographic is innately superior to any sticker that has a flaccid, one-dimensional color scheme.


Wait, Where Did Everyone Go? Asks Secluded Engineering Student

There were empty boxes — empty boxes everywhere. Someone really went to town on Amazon Prime, I thought.


Penn Should Implement Universal Fail. Here’s Why.

A universal fail policy would ensure that no student will be forced to pass their classes, no matter their circumstances at home.


OP-ED: Please Help I’m Addicted to Stream of Consciousness Writing Oh My God Oh My Lord This Is Beyond Awful

i swear i read james joyce one time just one time and this what i get how preposterous ludicrous wow this sucks but i keep coming back for more for more for more okay i must admit this is actually pretty liberating


OP-ED: I'm Hungies

YES! Let’s just smoke a cigarette. Delish! Nothing tastes better than that.


OP-ED: The Airpods Stay In During Sex

These are AirPods pro. They have noise-canceling capabilities, so I can pleasure you without distraction and listen to my Gary V. podcast at the same time. 


Shit Hurts So Bad Just Want Her [Bobby’s Burger Palace] Back

The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.


Anyone Feel Like Sexting?

So, how about some sexting, eh? To pass the time? To make the most of a dire situation?


QUIZ: What "Special Skill" Should You Get in You Quarantine Free Time?

What's that? You've been doing nothing except Netflix and Social Distance? It's time to change all that and make the most of this difficult time. Take this quiz to see which special skill you should acquire during your time in quarantine!


OP-ED: Instead of Helping FGLI Kids, Penn Should Support MGHI (Many Generations, High Income) Students

MGHI students will face a unique set of severe problems that the administration has overlooked. 


Bruh Moment: I Cannot Stop Saying Bruh

Now, I can’t properly react to anything anyone ever tells me. The best I can offer is “bruh."


Letter from the Editor: We’re Still Here, Fuckers

See you all in quarantine!


Fuck......................

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck!!!


OP-ED: Just Because I Got Cake Doesn't Mean I Shouldn't Be Allowed in Fisher

Just because you have a ban on food does NOT mean my cake shouldn’t be allowed in Fisher.


OP-ED: Anyone Feel Like Ransacking Arch Tonight?

This time we’ll be sending a message. I’m not sure about what, but I have a few hours to come up with one. Maybe we’ll convince Amy Gutmann to pay the workers a minimum wage or something, I dunno.


OP-ED: I Have a Small Cock so I Need a Big Glock

Everyone thinks my arrogant persona indicates that I’m compensating for something, and they’re right. But that is exactly why Penn needs to allow concealed carry on campus. 


Editorial | We Don't Need a Trader Joe's Shuttle. We Need a Trader Joe's Private Helicopter.

Additionally, since shuttles increase the congestion on Market Street and cause traffic jams, providing a private helicopter service would be just as, if not more, environmentally friendly than a shuttle. Finally, shuttles are simply uncool, and typically have bullies sitting in the back.


Too Many People Are Part of the Problem in 2020 Political Discourse. Not Me — Here’s Why.

According to a recent study I heard somewhere but can’t totally remember where, a whopping 80% of Americans don’t base their political opinions on facts and opt instead to listen to biased talking heads. When I read this from this person I follow on Twitter, I was shocked.


OP-ED: Being Pretty is Skilled Labor

Being the sole beautiful person in a space — as I often am — brings a pressure few could understand.


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