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Opinion


Sorry I Was Late to Class Professor, My Service Rabbit Laid an Egg and Hatched Babies in My Room

Here's a valid excuse for missing class: a warning to the insensitive fools who skip class for a death in the family.


Triple Minority: Brown, Female, and Can Cum!

How exotic! 


OP-ED: I Did Not Come To Moelis Family Grand Reading Room to Make Friends

When I swipe with three fingers on my trackpad to access all 12 of my desktops (each with a different photo of St Vincent as desktop background), do not come near – the magnificence of it all might frighten you. 


Jaywalking is a Mortal Sin Worthy of Eternal Damnation

I remember the days when a neighbor was a friend, a jaywalker was a scoundrel, and a woman’s rightful place was in the kitchen. How have we gone so wrong so quickly?


Letter From the Editor: Okay but Check This Out

Now, I have a natural aptitude for the athletic — I can do a gorgeous spin, and every day I wake up and perform the ancient practice of dance for at least fifteen minutes.


OP-ED: No, No, No, I’m Not Eating Alone, Just Waiting For My Friend, Haha

Yeah, I’m eating here alone at Hill, but I’m just waiting for my friend to show up. He should be here any minute. Didn’t plan on eating alone like some kind of sad-sack loser.


Editorial: We Are Still in a Pandemic

The thing we have come to know as something as big as life – covid, coveed, the rona, the Kung Flu, Wuhan Virus, however you want to call it – is still there. And guess what? It will never go away


OP-ED: I’m Not Being Hazed I Just Have a Bad Sense of Style

Can we normalize dressing badly? It's not just a hazing thing. For some of us, it's a lifestyle.


OP-ED: I Wish I Could Come To Your Show but I Can't Because It Sounds Awful

I love the idea of watching 23 soon-to-be consultants pretend to be instruments.


Celebrate? Nobody in My 8:30 Math Recitation Knows Today Is My Birthday

Are there any other pisces in the room?


Self-Help: Help Yourself to Another Brownie :)

ohh, did that one have fudge inside??? :) :) :) Hell YEAH! :) :) :) :) :)


OP-ED: I'll Do a Line, and Then You Strangle Me, Okay?

How many times do I have to explain this? It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.


Letter From the Editor: I’m a Vibe? What Do You Mean Angel

 My clout got too high! That happens sometimes. Hoes mad! 


OP-ED: Suck Me Dry See If I Care

Remember, you naked agent of everything. The world didn’t corrupt you; you corrupted the world. And now you are crying? You absolute angel.


Penn Club Initiatives: Have They Gotten Out of Hand?

I believe that no student should have to take Econ 001 or Econ 002 at Penn.


Quitting Nicotine Is So Easy! I’ve Already Done It Like 6 Times

Vaping is bad for you.


World Record: I’ve Accumulated 137 Green 2 Go Boxes in My Room

Anything green is sustainable, right????


OP-ED: The Grab and Go Policy Should Be Extended to Fracket Piles

Tonight, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will steal that Aritizia Superpuff that was so delicately, so playfully tossed across the Natty Light puddle beneath your feet. It’s fate.


OP-ED: Don’t You Think Homosexuals Are Just Narcissistic?

Hear me out. It's what they would want: voices being heard. 


If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?

Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.


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