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Opinion


5 Ways to Rock the Confidence of Scoring That Internship with Your Dad's Friend

With your new internship you got from your dad’s fraternity brother, you’re now the most qualified person in your friend group in all aspects of life. 


Is She a Witch or Does She Just like Hozier?

Being a witch is fine, but being a Hozier fan? You know she’s going to be into some freaky stuff.


Screw You Goldman, I Can Sell Açaí Bowls at 1300% Profit Margins

Throw a couple mandarin oranges (call them by their Spanish name to make it seem more expensive) and a kiwi into a bowl, say it’s from some island off of New Zealand, and there will be a line of white women out the door by 11 a.m..


Happy Earth Day! Here's Some Pics of Me on Expensive Outdoorsy Trips

If all the turtles die, who am I going to swim with when I go back to my fave spot in Kauai? Def not my mom lol. Pleaseeee save the turtles so I don’t have to hang out with my mom in Hawaii! 


OP-ED: Just Because It's Warm out Doesn't Mean Professors Should Wear Shorts

I don’t care if you have the sweatiest ankles in Pennsylvania. You have to wear pants.


OP-ED: I May Not Give A’s, but I Do Give High Fives

Instead of actually making the course more challenging, I’ve just decided to eliminate the letter A from my repertoire.


OP-ED: I'm a Liquor Control Enforcement Officer and My Job Is Very Important

This past Spring Fling, several colleagues and I were dispatched to ensure that students were having a safe and legal weekend by going undercover and attending college parties. I am writing to inform all of you that this was extremely important and very much not a “waste of time and resources."



OP-ED: Hey Mom, Can't FaceTime Right Now, a Penis Is Literally Entering Me

Sorry we haven’t talked in a while :/ You always call me in the middle of my Penn Appétit meetings, so I can't pick up.


How I Blew All $100,000 of My President's Engagement Prize on Luxury Shrimp

I started out with good intentions. My project, Juntos Garajados: Building Garages for Goats in Bolivia seemed positioned to be the next big South American goat garage-building project, and I had my budget down to a T. I knew I was about to change the world. 


Screw Astronomy! What Does the Black Hole Mean For My Morning Horoscope?

The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?


OP-ED: Is My Professor Too Busy to Respond to My Emails or Are They Playing Hard to Get?

So please, start paying attention to me, and fix that exam grade I emailed you about.


Great: Now Lindsey Has Yet Another Reason to Talk About Her Time Abroad in France

We got the shot with a baguette (and a deliberately suggestive comment about other baguette shaped items), the shot in the Louvre (posing next to a sculpture — she doesn't know which one), and the shot capturing the end of her time there with her making a faux-sad face saying she never wants to leave this “magical place.”


HeyMySpaceBarIsBrokenCanAnyoneHelpMeWithThis?

TheMinimunWordRequirementWas2000ButMyTotalWordCountWasOnlyOne.


OP-ED: Frontera Should Be Replaced by Another Pret

Listen, I’m not here to convince anyone since no one really agrees with my P.O.V., but, as I am here with a platform that can help aid my personal agendas, I say a second Pret is what this campus needs.


OP-ED: It Is Aries Szn and I Totally Understand What That Means, Haha

Jupiter’s in retrograde, which is supposed to bring out my spontaneous side, which is NOT something I researched for this particular article.


OP-ED: There’s No Chance That I’m Gonna Catch Feelings, but There Is Definitely a Chance I Catch the Mumps

All I’m trying to say is that I’m 100% vulnerable to the measles, but I’m also 100% down to fuck.


The Real Magic Gardens Tickets Are the Friendships We Made Along the Way

Castle isn’t really hosting an event, they just want to bring us closer together as a school. That’s why they sent us on an impossible quest to get “tickets,” because they know we’d have to work together and meet so many new people along the way. 


OP-ED: Gender Neutral Bathrooms Are Great, But When Will They Build Bathrooms for Men?

 There are nearly zero bathrooms on campus designed and intended specifically for men.


OP-ED: Men with Gigantic Backpacks Can’t Take All the Space in the Classroom

Why, when most of us are content with small packs that fit within our frame, do some insist on carrying around monstrous sacks that do little but obstruct?


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