OP-ED: Sorry I Have to Juul in Here, It’s an Emotional Support Juul
Oh are my plumes of fumes bothering you? Sorry not sorry, cause this is my emotional support juul and I need it to function.
Opinion
Revere Me! I Am That Person to Whom This Carrel Is Registered
If you could read, you would know this is reserved.
OP-ED: Sorry I Have to Juul in Here, It’s an Emotional Support Juul
Oh are my plumes of fumes bothering you? Sorry not sorry, cause this is my emotional support juul and I need it to function.
How to Adapt Your Five-Year Plan for the Imminent Climate Crisis
This might sound difficult, but don’t fret.
Revere Me! I Am That Person to Whom This Carrel Is Registered
If you could read, you would know this is reserved.
OP-ED: Clicking Interested on Facebook Events is Doing Enough to Combat Injustice
I’m sure the climate strike is important or whatever, but the UN says the world is ending in twelve years and I need to make sure I’m rich enough to afford a bunker.
Penn Students in Line at Smokes Actually Extras From a Cliche College Movie
Their cigarettes haphazardly dangle from the corners of their mouths as they launch verbal assaults in the hopes of gaining entrance — the hope to be just as they are, but under the safety of a ceiling.
OP-ED: Hey, Have You Read My Email?
MY EMAIL! I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT EMAIL THAT YOU APPARENTLY HAVE NOT SEEN AND MAYBE WILL NOT SEE.
Stop Having Dates at Stommons
Is the cuddling necessary? It’s not cold today. Stop. I can’t focus when you’re staring into each other’s eyes like that, pressed together with gentle smiles. Go away.
Have You Seen My Engineering Friend?
She can also be found asking what math class you’re taking — only to flash a patronizing smile when you answer.
'They're Such Wonderful Boys!' Says Mom on Greekrank
I knew it would take a little bit of time for my Josh man to find a group of his own.
OP-ED: Let’s End the Stigma of Handing in an Exam with Your Backpack On
Do you think that by not showing an underpaid TA that you have belongings and a heart and a soul that your grade will automatically be boosted?
Called It! Trevor's Grandma Died over Fall Break
Am I clairvoyant? Can I see the future? Am I God? Am I terribly sad about my good friend Trevor’s horrible loss? Yes to all of those. Betsy McLoughlin’s legacy will live on forever, and now so will mine.
I'm All for Socialism If It Means We Redistribute the Sex on Campus
All I can say is that Bernie Sander’s is on to something here. The top 1% of frat brothers are having 99% of all the sex on campus, and I think there’s something wrong with that.
OP-ED: Here’s a Sex-Related Editorial Based on My Own Experience with Sex, Which I’ve Had and Continue to Have on a Regular Basis
The first night of NSO my freshman year, I went to a hot, sweaty frat party. Then, I had sex with someone I met at that party. I had sex with that person because they found me attractive, and this person was not alone.
Dear Penn: Plant One More Japanese Zelkova, I Dare You
I’ve had it up to here with the way you handle your landscaping. Have you ever taken a look around Locust? It’s absolutely teeming with Japanese zelkovas.
OP-ED: I Am Never Going to Send My Kids to Penn Because I Am Never Going to Get Laid
For example, my parents could only send their kid to Penn because they had a kid to begin with. Naturally, you need to get laid, as my parents presumably did, in order to become a parent. Then and only then will you have a kid that you can send to Penn.
Nick the Librarian Actually Wise, Sage, and as a Young Man Was Quite the Devil
I was intimidated by your mastery of Franklin, Google Scholar, and all its derivatives. Most of all, I was fearful that you would prove to me just how little I know about books and sourcing them compared to you.
OP-ED: Include Amy Gutmann’s House in the Second-Year Experience
A select group of high-achieving, outgoing, white, male second years would be selected to board with Gutmann and her husband in their 13,975 square-foot house on Walnut. This would allow Gutmann to show solidarity with the sophomores, who must now overpay for a shared room with a hotel kitchenette.
OP-ED: I Ordered a Mango Dragon Fruit Refresher from Stommons and They Actually Gave It to Me
Never (never) have I been able to indulge in the sweet, elusive nectar that is the Mango Dragon Fruit Refresher.
I Love Exploring Philly. Have You Been to Parc?
Basically, what I’m saying is that I know how to appreciate living in Philadelphia. I explore, and sometimes I take pictures since I like to document the neat things I see.
Taking Econ? Sorry, Nerd, Me and My Friends Were Busy Being Sexy
You probably look up to Elon Musk, yeah?
