Penn Football Suffers Crushing Defeat, Distracted By Newer, Hotter Quaker
After having undergone intensive plastic surgery, the Penn Quaker is no longer the terrifying behemoth that athletes and fans have come to know and love.
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Quirky Gizmo on Roommate's Desk Looking Really Enticing
There it is, sitting on his desk. That thing.
Penn Football Suffers Crushing Defeat, Distracted By Newer, Hotter Quaker
After having undergone intensive plastic surgery, the Penn Quaker is no longer the terrifying behemoth that athletes and fans have come to know and love.
OP-ED: Sorry I Have to Juul in Here, It’s an Emotional Support Juul
Oh are my plumes of fumes bothering you? Sorry not sorry, cause this is my emotional support juul and I need it to function.
Quirky Gizmo on Roommate's Desk Looking Really Enticing
There it is, sitting on his desk. That thing.
How to Adapt Your Five-Year Plan for the Imminent Climate Crisis
This might sound difficult, but don’t fret.
BREAKING: You Are Now Breathing Manually
You are now responsible for this vital and (usually) subconscious process, and you're hating every second of it.
Arts Group Performance Looks Very Fun for Them
Just 15 minutes into the show, one thing was clear to me and everyone in the audience, these guys were having fun.
Student Event Photographer in Custody of the IRS
Sources have reported Du’s annual income as an event photographer to be upwards of 50,000 dollars. Liam Dello (E ‘21), a close friend of Du’s, said, in reality, it could be much, much more. “Evan would never tell anyone how much he’s really making. Why do you think he’s about to go down for tax evasion? He’s hiding something,” Dello said. “He started calling his consulting job at BCG his side hustle. That’s when I knew he was in too deep.”
Intense Love Affair Blossoming Between Anonymous Ferret and Anonymous Manatee in Shared Google Doc
When Anonymous Ferret added a comment asking whether the hippocampus or the amygdala was more important in the formation of fear conditioning, and the Manatee — a marine mammal known for its high intellect and romantic inclinations — responded, “ur hot."
No Roommate Agreement Necessary: This Suite Lives and Dies by the Mayflower Compact
“This is our Plymouth.”
Revere Me! I Am That Person to Whom This Carrel Is Registered
If you could read, you would know this is reserved.
Freshman Used the Fisher-Bennett Elevator, but He Wasn’t Going to 4
Eye-witnesses were shocked as to what they saw, and even the elevator has gone on record to ask “really dude? It’s just one flight.”
OP-ED: Clicking Interested on Facebook Events is Doing Enough to Combat Injustice
I’m sure the climate strike is important or whatever, but the UN says the world is ending in twelve years and I need to make sure I’m rich enough to afford a bunker.
Personality Quiz! Will You Be the Heir to Amy Gutmann’s Throne?
Are you an eccentric older woman? Are you an eccentric younger woman, looking to be an eccentric older woman?
Penn Students in Line at Smokes Actually Extras From a Cliche College Movie
Their cigarettes haphazardly dangle from the corners of their mouths as they launch verbal assaults in the hopes of gaining entrance — the hope to be just as they are, but under the safety of a ceiling.
OP-ED: Hey, Have You Read My Email?
MY EMAIL! I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT EMAIL THAT YOU APPARENTLY HAVE NOT SEEN AND MAYBE WILL NOT SEE.
Wharton Kid Reassures Local Stabbing Victim That the Market Will Take Care of It
His backpack, said to have carried most of his life savings in cash, was stolen as well.
Stop Having Dates at Stommons
Is the cuddling necessary? It’s not cold today. Stop. I can’t focus when you’re staring into each other’s eyes like that, pressed together with gentle smiles. Go away.
Professor Riding High of Student's Polite Chuckle All Day
Filson could be seen strutting around campus with a self-satisfied grin, offering to re-tell the joke.
American Public Schools to Offer Big Mouth as Health Ed. Replacement
While Big Mouth was surely developed to be watched in private by ad audience of frustrated adults who never received proper health education, its purpose is being shifted this week to the source of the epidemic: kids who never received proper health ed.
The Buddha Came Home from His Nepalese Gap Year and Won’t Shut up About Buddhism
Gautama decided to escape his hometown and spend a year in a rural Nepalese village after growing sick of privileged palace life. There, Gautama shaved his hippie locks, spent his time living with the locals, and truly understanding his responsibility as a global citizen.
