Poor, Tattered Soul Bound to Commons Until She Eats Money's Worth
The cause of Nunez’s curse was the fact that nothing at 1920 Commons is technically edible.
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YouTube Commenter Can’t Decide If He Wants to Be Racist or Nostalgic Today
On Tuesday night, Youtube commenter YungWiz69 sat listlessly at his computer and tried to think of what to comment on Katy Perry’s official music video for 2010 hit “Firework". How did he feel? Like a plastic bag. “I just couldn’t decide,” YungWiz69 later told UTB. “Did I want to write ‘like this comment if you’re still listening to this in 2019!!’ or did I want to say ‘the worst part of this video is the gays.’ How do I choose!”
Crazy: This Guy on Locust Asked Me If I Wanted Double Penetration
Just because I can get it does not mean that it’s acceptable to hit on me. Although I was secretly very flattered to be asked if I wanted double penetration in broad daylight, that does not mean that the comment was appropriate.
OP-ED: Let’s End the Stigma of Handing in an Exam with Your Backpack On
Do you think that by not showing an underpaid TA that you have belongings and a heart and a soul that your grade will automatically be boosted?
Penn Museum to Rebrand Itself as 'Interesting'
In an article earlier this month, the Daily Pennsylvanian reported that the renowned Penn Museum was “rebrand[ing] itself as a ‘gift to the city’ after recent renovations.”
Sophomore Assures Friends That He’s Cuter in Real Life
She scrolled through his Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Pinterest to find a flattering, non-blurry picture of his face from the past three years to no avail. All she could find were group pictures from his middle school soccer team and blurry Photo Booth selfies with the sepia filter.
Creative Writing Professor Gives Student’s Childhood Trauma a B
“The part where he watches his childhood best friend die from a grand mal seizure was not particularly compelling. His grandfather’s ongoing battle with dementia, juxtaposed with his brother’s debilitating opioid addiction was a nice thought, but not successfully executed.”
BREAKING: Meet at the Tampons for Some Club Hazing
Plan to be done with all this around 11:00 P.M. That's when we'll be done yelling at you for being new. Expect us to look at our friends for reassurance as we scream at you — we don't know what we're doing!
International Student Brands Himself as Gift to the City
“I am looking to raise the visibility of Philadelphia as a city,” said Guinness to his international vlog channel, blowing a puff of a sexy Parliament cigarette.
After BioPond Development, Penn Reaffirms Commitment to Green Space with Marijuana Dispensary
In a bold move, the Penn administration has opted to pave over the BioPond, because "nature is gross." After widespread outcry from the student body, the administration has decided to placate protesters by building a marijuana dispensary next to the nice parking lot where the BioPond once stood.
Quiz: Is This Karma? Or a Direct Consequence of Your Actions?
Are you someone who frequently has bad luck? Do things just never go your way sometimes?
Called It! Trevor's Grandma Died over Fall Break
Am I clairvoyant? Can I see the future? Am I God? Am I terribly sad about my good friend Trevor’s horrible loss? Yes to all of those. Betsy McLoughlin’s legacy will live on forever, and now so will mine.
I'm All for Socialism If It Means We Redistribute the Sex on Campus
All I can say is that Bernie Sander’s is on to something here. The top 1% of frat brothers are having 99% of all the sex on campus, and I think there’s something wrong with that.
A Freshman's Guide to All the Fraternities on Penn's Campus
There’s the one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and maybe another one on Locust? Do not confuse these with the M&T building. M&T is the most exclusive frat of all.
Unpaid Alien Intern Who Runs Our Simulation Starting to Get Worried
"I designed you guys to be intelligent, creative and compassionate. You’ve had a pretty good run so far — discovering fire, inventing the wheel, embracing democracy and all that. Very cool stuff. But what the fuck is going on? You’re destroying your planet, World War 3 is about to break out, and racism is somehow still a thing? I thought I patched that out a while ago."
Penn Orchestra Stuns with Flawless Rendition of 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star'
According to conductor Jamie Coppola, the orchestra had been rehearsing for the minute-long performance since early last year. “The piece is no joke. Technically speaking, it’s up there with Shostakovich’s Fifth,” Coppola remarked with watery eyes. “I was nervous as all hell, but I knew I could rely on my students to pull through.”
OP-ED: Here’s a Sex-Related Editorial Based on My Own Experience with Sex, Which I’ve Had and Continue to Have on a Regular Basis
The first night of NSO my freshman year, I went to a hot, sweaty frat party. Then, I had sex with someone I met at that party. I had sex with that person because they found me attractive, and this person was not alone.
Dear Penn: Plant One More Japanese Zelkova, I Dare You
I’ve had it up to here with the way you handle your landscaping. Have you ever taken a look around Locust? It’s absolutely teeming with Japanese zelkovas.
Dean Furda Skims Google Form Responses During Class-of-2024 Delibs
This weekend, during the monthly Admissions Office GBM, ardent Eagles fan and Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda supposedly led the search for Penn's best and brightest new students. However, sources on the inside report that "nobody really reads the applications since we switched from the Common App to a Google Survey link."
