Report: Outlets in Van Pelt Only Broken When in Use
Students will continue to carry all of their shit from table to table on the first floor of Van Pelt, in search of one of the elusive outlets that work 24/7.
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“I’m Coming to Your Show” and Other Lies I’ve Told This Week
Can you bear to look into their eyes, their innocent, pleading eyes, and tell them no one cares? I certainly don’t. Here are three excuses to use, and other lies I’ve told this week.
Report: Outlets in Van Pelt Only Broken When in Use
Students will continue to carry all of their shit from table to table on the first floor of Van Pelt, in search of one of the elusive outlets that work 24/7.
Masturbation Marathon! My Roommate Is in the Shower
Ten blissful minutes seal my fate; I fervently self-lubricate. A breast to rub, a bean to flick, I close my eyes. I masturbate.
“I’m Coming to Your Show” and Other Lies I’ve Told This Week
Can you bear to look into their eyes, their innocent, pleading eyes, and tell them no one cares? I certainly don’t. Here are three excuses to use, and other lies I’ve told this week.
Weingarten to Provide Disability Accommodations for Students With Restless Leg Syndrome
Just because people feel like they need an "equal opportunity for education" doesn’t mean we can provide it.
OP-ED: I Don’t Have Dyslexia, My Brain Is Just Hard-wired for Ancient Greek Like Percy Jackson
Juulius Caesar
Wednesday, Nov. 3, 2021Wed, Nov 3, 2021
Neuropsych evaluation be damned.
Annoying! Free Club Flyer Also Has Water Bottle Attached
Listen: no matter how many interesting club flyers with compelling graphics and acerbic, forward-thinking puns you hand me, you will never convince me to take your filthy water bottles.
Witchcraft! Roommate Brews Potion by Letting Pot Sit On Stove for a Week
1 onion (medium finely diced) 2 cloves garlic (large chopped) ¾ cup dry white wine 6 ferrets she lost in the apartment 3 pubes left on the toilet seat 1 lost safety deposit after she tripped down the stairs and banged her head into the wall and then denied it even though I took a video and sent her the video and sent the landlord the video ½ pound ground beef
REPORT: Professor Is Cool Because He Says “Fuck” a Lot
But more than that, he is deemed an inimitable professor also because of his habitual usage of the popular curse word, “fuck.”
OP-ED: What The Fuck Is A Provost?
Provost this, provost that. Someone help us out here.
Quiz: What's Your REAL Major?
Ian Ong
Tuesday, Nov. 2, 2021Tue, Nov 2, 2021
So, you think you've got it all figured out. Think again, punk! Take this quirky quiz from Under the Button and find out your REAL major.
Op-Ed: Amy Gutmann has 7 Horcruxes and Here’s What I Think They Are
After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you.
Op-Ed: Haha What’s Your Email haha There’s This Marriage Pact
Tuesday, Nov. 2, 2021Tue, Nov 2, 2021
You're Marco Paris Jenson the third, if I remember correctly?
Penn Marriage Pact Finds 76% of Undergraduate Student Body to be Unloveable
Chaily Derecskey
Monday, Nov. 1, 2021Mon, Nov 1, 2021
No, like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?
Germany to Be Re-Named Germ-Amy in Honor of Gutmann
UTB Staff
Monday, Nov. 1, 2021Mon, Nov 1, 2021
And in German it's now Gutschland. Hurrah!
Five Giant Fall Scarves That Are Actually Just Trauma Blankets for When Your Heroes Inevitably Commit Sexual Assault
UTB Staff
Monday, Nov. 1, 2021Mon, Nov 1, 2021
If this doesn’t say fall we don’t know what does! Drape yourself in this luscious autumnal accessory in an attempt to externally heal your wounds that have already been very deeply internalized.
Don't Know What I Expected: Beka’s Chemistry Café Served Me 1M HCl
In retrospect, it was obvious from the name that something bad was bound to happen.
Report: Mildly Interesting Anecdote Projected to Extend Conversation 2-3 Minutes
Michael then proceeded to tell the same aggressively mundane story to every other club member after coming to the false conclusion that he’d struck an anecdotal gold mine.
Wellness Win! CAPS Announces Plan to Start Lacing Commons Entrées With Prozac
"By making students feel better without their knowledge, we eliminate the middleman of ‘therapy’, and our job is done."
OP-ED: They Should Replace Louie Louie With a Second McDonalds
A monument to the people shall arise where elite culture once dominated.
Yikes! Some Girl Commented, 'Photo Credits to Me' Under Your Crush’s Instagram
The comment said, “Photo credits to me." Naturally, the person who wrote this comment and your crush have been engaging in decadent sexual entanglements.
