Op-Ed: You Heard So Much About Me? All Good Things I Hope, Haha
Yeah, for sure, let’s get dinner.
Most Recent
300 Professors Petition for Option to Teach Remotely After Receiving Pushback for Jerking Off In-Person
Though primarily a lengthy plea to Penn to let professors masturbate at home, the petition also cited mild concerns over the rising COVID-19 infection rates.
How to Pretend Like You Actually Read the New York Times
Mention that crosswording is not a hobby, it’s a state of mind.
Message to the Penn Community: Germany is Awesome :)
Seriously, I’m not hamming this up for the email or anything. I am genuinely having the time of my life. Hey — race you to the top of Hohenzollern Castle!
BREAKING: Guy in Class Would Like to Direct Group’s Attention to Another Page
At which point, the entire class shat pants.
Laterthat: This Baby Created a Jamba Juice Empire in Rural Utah
UTB Staff
Monday, Sept. 13, 2021Mon, Sep 13, 2021
So heartwarming!
Fuck: I've Already Farted in All of My Classes
I thought they would come out silently; you’d go about your day with nothing but a subtle, lingering taste of baba ganoush in your mouth, and I’d go about my day with the satisfaction of knowing that I put it there.
Penn, Do Better: Fisher-Bennett East Stairs Violate OSHA 1910.29(b)(1)
Penn, please do better. I don’t want to go over the balcony and turn myself into a pile of hairy strawberry ice cream. Especially in Fisher-Bennett Hall.
I’m On the REES Mailing List Because I Love Deleting Unread Emails
The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done. And there is no new thing under the sun.
Op-Ed: Vaccines are in their "Flop" Era
Juulius Caesar
Thursday, Sept. 9, 2021Thu, Sep 9, 2021
I was totally stanning vaccines like 3 months ago.
Gutmann’s Appointment to German Ambassadorship Wreaks Havoc on Relations between NATO Member States
Scott Newman
Wednesday, Sept. 8, 2021Wed, Sep 8, 2021
One of the brains behind the self-checkout cafe in the basement of Van Pelt library will soon advise on some of the most pressing geopolitical matters.
High Rise Residents Opt To Live In Tents On NCHW Grass
“Sure, Harnwell was a pretty decent place to live, but in comparison to NCHW, it’s like I was living in Guantanamo Bay.”
Reminder: You Are Always Unmuted in Person
“Oh no, not this cunt again.”
Op–Ed: Wanna See My Bruises?
I was already so trashed at that point.
Five Guys Replacing Beijing Is Just Modern Day Colonialism
After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians.
Prankster "Poopy Doopy" is Supersaturating New College House with Poop
Poopy Doopy, reveal yourself before you run out of poop. We will embrace you with open arms and open bowels.
1920 Commons to be Renamed 1620 Lords
While conducting refinancing amidst the plague, the royal court administrators hath decided to sell the majority of the institution to Charles I, king of England and, now, his lordship of the University of Pennsylvania.
Dear Penn: Stop Giving Us Tote Bags and Start Giving Us USB Type-A to Mini-B Cables
Think logically about it: What do you even use a tote bag for? Holding groceries? Carrying heavy books? See, it’s practically useless — not to mention mundane as all hell.
Architect Who Worked on High Rises Honestly Shocked They're All Still Standing
“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”
