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Exclusive Hot Bitch Location: The High Rise Stairwells

Want to look like the most exclusive, hottest bitches in Philadelphia? UTB did all the hard work for you and found out where they all like to hang out.  


BREAKING: If Wendell Pritchett Sees His Shadow, We Get Vaccines Before May

Last year, when he didn’t see his shadow, Pritchett announced that all students should rapidly abandon campus and finish the semester online. 


It's Not Junk Food, Mom: I'm Carrying on the Duchampian Tradition of the Readymade

For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.


Meet the Three People from the Class of 2025 Who Aren’t College YouTubers

“When I opened the decision portal when it came out, the thought of filming my reaction never crossed my mind,” said Delaney.


New Seasonal Starbucks Menu To Come!: Vaccine Boost for 10¢ or Adderall Pump for 15¢

Saving lives, making addicts, that's the Starbucks guarantee! 


OP-ED: Hey, Kid, Life Is Pass/Fail

This means that I’m not going to get sucked into the rat race of academic success or other traditionally accepted forms of success.


No, Seriously. Why Is Every TA Hot?

My sources tell me that I need to contact the professor if I’m interested in becoming a teaching assistant, but as a pretty person, I’ve never been one to have to ask for what I want.


How To Tell Your White Friends Their Smelly Asses Need a Bidet

You think sheets of paper are gonna rectify the damage of your blowing asshole?


Amy Gutmann Spotted Maskless in Van Pelt Recharging Her Batteries

This past Sunday Penn Police were anonymously tipped by a few students who said they saw “blinding flashes” and heard “what sounded like Optimus Prime ripping a bandaid off his genitalia” coming from VP 4th floor.


Lonely? Buy Another Plant You Depressed Son of a Bitch

Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”  


Op-Ed: Stop COVID Vaccinations and Let Us Die as the Lord Intended

If you repent and pray extra hard, you will be saved.


Five Subtle Ways to Signal That You Are Involved With Greek Life

1. Tell the person that you are talking to that you have had antibodies since the first semester. They’ll know.


Good for Her! DP Commenter Says She Makes $250 An Hour From Home

According to Saqi, the work is “so easy”, consisting mainly of “copying and pasting”, “sipping martinis”, and “going on luxury cruises across the world”. How didn’t I think of this sooner?


This Quiz Will Tell You Which Dorm You're Living In!

Let us know if we got it right!


Ego of the Weak: Kite and Key

K&K: Ultimately, I am obsessed with hearing the sound of my own voice — in fact, when other people speak, it makes me viscerally sick. I’ve also always had a proclivity for backward walking and repressing my trauma and would be thrilled to add both to my resume. 


Jobless Senior Discovers Selling Out Is Actually Hard

 “Why did no one tell me?” she groaned.  


After Complaints Over Lack of Fun In-Person Activities, Penn Introduces Locust Walk Slip N’ Slide

“Slipping and sliding with all my new friends made me realize the tuition really was worth it,” freshman Colin Mann said.


Wharton Latino Elects Its First Ever Italian-American President

“My great grandfather was Italian, and I absolutely LOVE going to Latin BBQ every year. It’s one of my favorite Penn traditions,” stated White.


UTB Writer Not Funny Anymore After CAPS Therapy Session

Especially in these unprecedented times, CAPS is more committed than ever to creating a safe and caring environment for Penn’s diverse student body. 


Heartwarming! Ted Cruz Boiled Mexican Tap Water In Solidarity

“It means a lot to me,” says Texas native, Sammy Rodriguez (W ‘23). “You know, my family in Austin has been really struggling to stay warm and find drinkable water, so to see Senator Ted Cruz take 5 minutes out of his vacation time to boil a pot of water is truly heartwarming. I’m sure it’ll mean a lot to my family too once their power comes back on.” 


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