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Yikes: A Professor Accidentally Played Porn in Class, and It Wasn't Even Anything Interesting

It wasn't interracial. It wasn't queer in any way, even though the guy did have pretty long hair. The couple didn't even have any tattoos. What year is it, 1971? 


OP-ED: March Madness? I'm Not Even Done with Seasonal Depression!

Is this Big Pharma using its massive Popeye arms to wrestle the country into shelling out more money?


Hero in Our Midst: Tall White Guy Turns on Projector for Professor

But God willing, Jared Donovan was there to save the day. 


OP-ED: I’m Majoring in CIS Because I’m Genuinely Interested...in a Job?

It didn't have anything to do with the fact that I had a hard time finding an internship the summer before.


Study: Mo Bamba #1 Cause of Jonathan Saying the N-Word

We certainly expect the trend to die down in a few weeks and for Jonathan to return to saying the N-word for other unjustifiable reasons.


Cute: This Professor Assigns Reading for His Lecture Class

You're students, he imagines, so you're here to learn. Right?


How to Feel Cool Even Though You Planned Your Own Birthday Pregame

You definitely have friends. Good, close friends. You eat meals with them, you study with them, you watch movies with them, and you even drink with them — except on your birthday. 


The Collctve Goes on Wheel of Fortune to Buy a Vowel

Last weekend, club leadership went on the game show Wheel of Fortune for the sole purpose of purchasing two vowels. While things got off to a slow start when Collctve president Justin Davies (C ‘20) accidentally bought an O, one of the few vowels the Collctve already had, eventually the club rebounded and bought the proper letters.


Jeb Bush Stresses Importance of Limited Government Unless He Can Be Part of It

Later in the talk, Bush said that he believes that government needs hard limits, and that restriction extended to term limits, which Bush believes should be put in place in all situations except for “if I get elected. When. When I get elected."


A Rap: Everyone Go Back to Your Rooms, I Hate Seeing You Outside

I enjoy how batshit scared all of you are of the cold — of a crispy, red leaf gently falling onto your Barbour coat. 


New Research Says Minimum Wage Should Be Tied to Price of Vladimir Vodka

People from all political walks of life have decried the $7.50 an hour minimum wage. Finally, some concrete evidence has come to support an increase.


OP-ED: This Lent I'm Giving up Sex (Not Butt Stuff Tho lol)

My body is a “temple[sic] of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It hurts to say it, but Ben’s penis won’t be defiling my temple anymore.


Constructive! Professor's Response to Your Cry for Help Not Only Insulting, but Felt like a Swift Kick to the Gut

Sources say you reportedly had some trouble with the weekly problem set last night. Desperately seeking assistance, you turned to the class’s Piazza board and left what you thought would be a benign plea for help. How wrong you were.


Warm Weather Gives Depressed Student False Glimmer of Happiness

I cancelled my CAPS appointment, I am going to dye my hair pink and give myself bangs tonight, and I’m not worried about my four overdue problem sets.


OP-ED: I Totally Know Who Miguel Is, but I’m Asking to Make Sure You Know…

Oh wow, so Miguel is gonna be playing at Fling. That’s awesome..right? Is it good or not good?


OP-ED: I've Got Huge Balls, but Not Because I Have Mumps

I mean, these cojones? Inflamed? No way in hell, broseph.


Friend Group Ready to 'Go Wild' and Sneak Bag of Skinny Pop Into Movie Theater

Cinemark was half-price, so Emily, Angela, Liam, Brandon, and Alexis were ready to have a wild night (Raquel couldn’t make it. She has an exam tomorrow, and she is so behind smh.).


So Close! Verizon Now Covers the Whole Mojave Desert but Not Fresh Grocer

Did you know that Verizon leads the nation in every conceivable category? Best coverage, best customer service, best plans. Hell, they’re now the best man at your wedding, whether you like it or not.


Going Green! Penn Closes Frontera in Effort to Decrease Gas Emissions from Students

Penn researchers have found that a harsh 92 percent of Penn's greenhouse gas emissions are linked to Frontera consumption.


Ladies: Does Your Man Have the Munchies or Has He Just Neglected to Feed Himself for a Week?

You’ve been busy with exams and clubs the past week and haven’t seen him in six days. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t had a sufficient meal in that span of time.


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