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Most Recent

You Think You Can Jaywalk Across Spruce Street to Lower Quad Better Than I? Watch This.

 My hands are sweating. I’m Usain Bolt in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. 

Penn Marriage Pact, Penn Crushes: Penn Engineers Just So Horny

Penn Engineers are having more sex than everyone. 

Commons Lowkey Sceney Tonight! I See My One Friend Over There

Soupe du jour? Friendship. 

We’re Both Thinking It: Let’s Turn This Coffee Chat Into a Crack-Cocaine Chat

Oh, what’s my major? I’m really glad you asked, it’s LET’S CUT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT AND SMOKE SOME CRACK-COCAINE.

OP-ED: Me When Earthly Desires Become Premeditated Disappointments

Everything is going to be okay (heart emoji).

Report: Boyfriend Texting Drafts of Satire Headlines Again

“Wow, woke king! This white guy takes to a minority today!”

“Hey, Don’t Do That Please.” Penn Security Meekly Says to Army of Rabid Jaywalkers

Their presence strikes a fear unlike any other. Their neon shirts repel ne’er-do-wells from miles away. Their 3-gear bikes are rumored to be direct Tour de France hand-me-downs. They are Penn Security. And you don’t want to mess with them.

Super Bowl? I Thought This Weed Was Just Okay

I mean, it was a fun sesh, but super? I thought it was pretty standard, all things considered. 

Stupid Bitch! Rushing as a Sophomore Is Actually Super Fun and Will Not Make You Feel Lonely and Left Out!

Yes, 90% of the rush class are freshmen, they will all do pretty much everything without you, and the only other sophomore is a little weird, but that's part of it!

Amy Waxed?? Ok Amyyy, Who Are You Seeing Tonight?

Wax may be a public pariah but this part of her identity remains pubic. 

Breaking: Mark’s Cafe to Be Replaced by French Patisserie With Little Chef Hats

Mark, you shouldn't have! Mais non, Mark! Mark, mais non!

Heaven is a Place on Earth? Someone Should Tell the Disciples!

I'm not angry with them, just disappointed.

Limited Time Offer: Penn Closet To Sell Halal Meat Flavored Perfume

I used to go to class and the stupid whores with Dior bags would scrunch their nose jobs and say, “It smells like greasy meat and gasoline in here.” Well girls, it didn’t just smell like it, you were smelling it!

Shalom! UTB Now Hosting Conversion to Islam At The Daily Pennsylvanian Office

UTB Finally Got a DEI Executive Position

20-Something Describes Consulting, Summons Nehallenia’s Portal

Do you ever think about how deeply unfuckable it is to work in a "knowledge-based industry?"

OP-ED: I Lost My Dignity to Bento Box A

Imagine if they were cheaper around finals... I would personally not be spared

Dreams DO Come True! I Got to Be One of the People Eating in the Window of &pizza.

Critics say the institution is on track to become the country’s hottest eatery.

Faking Interest, Der Dritte

“Woke” Professor Late to 8AM Lecture

Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy.