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The DP Angels answer pressing questions about ketamine, WilCaf, and women's bodies

 The DP Angels is an advice column brought to you by your DP Design girlies, where we respond to questions from the Penn community concerning all things romance, social life, and campus culture! 


Ivy League Already Cancels 2021-22 Seasons

 “I am pleased to say that our great league will not be playing sports for the foreseeable future,” Harris said. “We are once again taking the lead on this issue, and I am determined to uphold our league’s reputation."


It's Alive! Contemporary Writing House Sprouts Neck Bolts, Rises From Crypt

“What an amazing testament to Mary Shelley, my God,” Tenderson remarked, shaking his head. “Wait, she was contemporary, right? Shit.” 



52 Weeks, Faces, and Stories of People at My Party Tonight

You believe this narrative that a virus from a chinese bat came all the way to America and shut down our economy for a year!? Everyone knows bats can’t fly that far.


Penn Football Coach Ray Priore Takes On Second Job as Pizza Delivery Driver

 In a recruiting twist, Priore is rumored to be the hiring target of local favorites Allegro Pizza and Zesto Pizza. 


Athletes Attend Classes More, Get Worse Grades

Better step it up student athletes! 


OP-ED: It’s Time To Bring Back Rowbottoms

It’s time we bring back excitement around Penn sports, and it’s time we bring back rowbottoms. 


Penn Basketball Unveils Chipotle Men's Bathroom Presented by Taco Bell at the Palestra

“There’s definitely a lot of influence from Taco Bell and Chipotle in that bathroom,” one student said. “I can safely say that I’ll be watching from my dorm next game.” 


Penn Lacrosse Team Suspended for Inventing Fake Sport To Get Into Penn

What tipped the investigators off was one key flaw in this ingenious plan: No one had been seen playing this sport in real life outside of a fictional state called Connecticut.


Penn Students, Start Misusing Your Privilege More

Privilege is so lit. Probably the best thing about being a straight white male.


OP-ED: Stop Acting Like the Pandemic Is Over and Start Acting Like It Never Happened

We may never recall all we found to be normal prior to the beginning of the pandemic, but we should not get caught up in the importance of trying to regain that sense of normalcy; we need to do more. 


OP-ED: We Need You on a Dining Plan So We Can Pay the Mortgage on Huntsman Hall

 Like many regretful property owners, we were emboldened by a particularly charismatic real estate agent who convinced us to stretch just a little bit beyond our budget. 


Penn’s Commencement Plans Overlook Orthodox Jews and Those Who Already Booked Their Bora Bora Tickets

Penn’s willful ignorance of Orthodox Jewish students’ religious practices, as well as Stephanie’s well-planned-out schedule to live it the fuck up in Bora Bora can be corrected. 


Resumé Leaked From the Guy Who Landed the Goldman Sachs Internship

Honors/Awards: Second best bong ripper in my frat, 99+ Tinder likes, Definitely not a virgin, Was hazed for two years instead of the usual one year 


In Midst of COVID Recession the Pleasure Chest Offers New $1400 Deluxe Package

To keep up with demand, The Pleasure Chest has just announced a new sale that the business is sure will attract customers' stimulus-check-heavy pockets. 


From Marriage Pacts to Engagement Days: Penn’s Promise of Everlasting Love

Absque amore est vita inutilia. Life without love is useless.


Penn to Erect Campus’ First Sex Dungeon

Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus' first sex dungeon. 


Back When They Took Anyone: Penn Admissions Through the Years

Throughout its 281 years of existence, the University admission committee has done the very most to ensure that every class of Penn students is as talented, intelligent, and white as possible. 


Ned’s Declassified Penn Survival Guide

Penn can be a scary and confusing place to navigate. But don’t worry! To help students turn the challenges of Penn into opportunities for growth, we at UTB have discovered the easiest tips and tricks to success! 


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