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Penn Protestors Now Charging For Photographs

Following the posting of a now-viral TikTok video depicting worldwide sweetheart Pamela De La Cruz dancing to obnoxiously loud reggaeton music before a sign that read “Be A Ho No Mo,” the ‘Penn Protesters’ have released a statement of disapproval. “It’s unfair,” said the one who wears the shirt with only 2 slurs on it. “We’re the ones who stand out in the cold all day. We make these signs and practice our preaching, and we’re not even getting a portion of the ad revenue you guys are making?”


New Wharton Class Requirement: 'How to Avoid Conspiring with Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, Just in Case'

To the dismay of Wharton students, the administration has just added an additional required class for all Wharton undergrads. How to Avoid Conspiring With Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, or BEPP-650, will be taken by all students during their senior year. Professor Andrew Bui will be teaching the first iteration of the course starting next semester.


Decoding Drunk Text Now Fulfills Language Requirement

“My mom only speaks in drunk texts, so this new DDT class is really exciting for me. I only spoke it a little back at home, so I never really never learned."


BREAKING: CAPS to Be Relocated to Camden

“This location is far enough to provide Penn students with considerable anonymity and close enough for it to technically still be accessible to Penn students."


Ditch the Scale This Thanksgiving by Letting Grandma Tell You That You Look like You've Gained Weight

The winter season can be especially tough for dealing with body image — there’s the constant influx of holiday foods, an overload of social obligations, and the stress of family gatherings, just to name a few. But this year, take one thing off your (metaphorical) plate by ditching the scale.


Jessica Looks Under Table Passive Aggressively, Oblivious Classmate Continues to Tap Stupid Foot

“My stupid neighbor has a stupid foot, and they kept tapping it. So, of course, I looked under the table.” Sources say Jessica really shoved her whole head under there. 


Ok Boomer! Bouncer Won’t Allow Poppers on the Dance Floor

I'll just go buy a drink instead. Excited to join the alcoholic boomer masses.


Ok Boomer: Guy Turns 22

“I thought he was one of whatever our generation is, but there he goes, turning 22 like a fucking Boomer.”


Ok Boomer! Mom Likes Those ‘Little Tik Tok Videos’

“I just really like those little Tik Tok videos!” Mrs. Bernstein claimed with her reading glasses on the bridge of her nose. 


Ok Boomer! SHS Doctor Thinks It’s Syphilis

Classic Boomer to assume you have nothing going on in your life and can just, “take time to address your genital sores.”


Ok Boomer! Barack Obama Canceled Cancel Culture so He’s Canceled Now

Apparently, he said something about “the idea of purity and always [being] politically woke,” but all I heard was “BLAH BLAH I’M A BOOMER BLAH BLAH BLAH.”


Ok Boomer! Professor Thinks You Should Probably Withdraw

"We're unfortunately past the drop deadline, but your grade is currently so low that, were it to show up on your final transcript, the Math department would be forced to blacklist you."


OK BOOMER! MOM JUST CALLING TO SAY SHE LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT AND WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU MORE OFTEN AS IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT ALREADY

Just because you raised her into the confident woman she is today by providing her with resources and by being a powerful example of a woman following her dreams in a male-dominated industry does NOT mean she owes you anything. Emotional autonomy is the way the world works now.


Student Slides down Harnwell Trash Chute to Avoid Social Contact in Elevator

“It’s much faster than the elevator too."


Driver Blaring Horn Just Wants to Wish You a Good Day

“I love college students. What better way to show my appreciation than to honk?”


Bobby’s Burgers Exposed: I’m the One Who Beat Bobby Flay

Most people think that Bobby’s Burgers closed down due to their abysmal management or highly overpriced burgers. They're wrong. As we all know, inflated prices and rude management are a prerequisite to starting a successful restaurant in West Philly.


OP-ED: I Only Got into Penn Because of My Elaborately Dressed American Girl Doll Collection

I own 21 dolls, 13 of which are historical, and I have to dress them for their respective time periods unless I want to look like a goddamn fool when I carry them around with me.


OP-ED: Amy Gutmann Will Die One Day and This Makes Me Sad

Amy Gutmann ages, just like the rest of us. And when you age too much, you die. And when you die you can’t be the president of the University of Pennsylvania.


OP-ED: DP's Refusal to Endorse Anyone in Boise Mayoral Election Is Unspeakable

This defies reason. Boise, the cultural heart of the northwest, faces dramatic political realignment. Mayoral endorsement by the Daily Pennsylvanian would have gone a long way in shaping the future of this vital region.


Under the Button Endorses Voting in General Election but 2 Days Too Late

Under the Button is taking a stance! Penn, we implore you, go to the polls!


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