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Its Great to Be Back! In My Cubicle on the 3rd Floor of VP

Upon returning to campus, I visited my old friend to dust off its smooth, vandalized sides and to caress it.


OP-ED: Penn Should Build the Seyoung Kim House

It would be a house just for me and my closest friends. We could hang out every day! It would be so much fun. I don’t say this enough, but I love my friends a lot.


4 Unlined Notebooks That Say "Transcendentalism"

As the new school year dawns, honor theory and demonstrate your intellectual supremacy by freeing yourself from the confines of linear thought.


Junior to Spend Four Months Hiking Through Europe on Pottruck Treadmills

After kissing his girlfriend Vanessa goodbye, Carpenter turned on the treadmill in Pottruck and began his slow, slow hike. He selected Lyon, France as a starting point and looked back at his girlfriend, now crying too as she walked out of the gym.


I Transferred to Wharton to Concentrate in Accounting

Basically, I was born to account. For things. And that’s why I transferred to Wharton.


Gotta Tell 'Em: Your Friend's Band Is Just a Worse Version of the Strokes

Hm, you think. This sounds familiar, and they're not very good.


Engineer Waits Until Add/Drop Deadline to Register for Classes, Spends Entire First Week Stressing out and Playing Minecraft

I don’t know if he understands that engineers don’t get syllabus days, but God I wish I was on the server with him instead of doing the 243 math problems 8 CIS assignments and 2 CAD’s my professors assigned in the first two days of class.


Penn Bookstore Promises a Thousand Curses upon Students’ Firstborns If They Don’t Get Their Textbooks Right Now

Although we tried gently bombarding students with mildly-worded emails, we found that this approach was entirely ineffective.


Happy Year of Data! Penn Releases Spreadsheet Rife with Extremely Sensitive, Personal Student Info

After years of illicitly compiling student profiles and surveillance footage from across campus, Penn’s top scientists are proud to present their newest data-driven achievement.


How to Talk About Your Bain Internship Without Confessing That You Made 50 Grand

We know it can be tricky to hide your pride, but that’s just what our leftist campus pseudo-culture does to us.


Career Services Tells Junior to Go Fuck Herself

Upon arriving at her consultation, her career advisor asked her some basic questions about her interests, majors, sexual history, vibes, and previous work experience, entering them all into the artificial intelligence career calculator.


New College Family Furious as Penn Renames New College House after Lauder Family

New College House will be renamed as Lauder College House after a major donation from the Lauder family, which sources say dwarfed the New College family’s by nearly 10 times. The move sent New College patriarch Robert William New College II into a fury.


Bubble Burst! Freshman Shocked to Learn That College Isn't Just Day Drinking and Interior Decoration

When they told me I was taking an engineering course, I thought that meant learning how to change the batteries in my string lights and setting up my Amazon Alexa.


Power Trip! Lucy Gets off on Getting into Frats with Hordes of Freshmen Outside

Freshmen are so annoying. They’re so fucking entitled and think that they can get into any frat they want if they swarm it long enough.


Senior Excited to Graduate from Penn Bubble to Silicon Valley Bubble

While other interns took weekend day trips up to San Francisco, Johnson contented herself with Ubering in an endless loop from Mountain View to Palo Alto, down to Cupertino, and back to Sunnyvale. While her friends went hiking over the Fourth of July weekend, she visited her top Bay Area attractions: Facebook’s campus, Apple’s campus, and Google’s other campus. 


Strap in Folks: Kelsey Needs to Tell You About the Dream She had Last Night

But your arm was broken so I said we should get you some chocolate milk right away, but the gas station was out. Then we had to go to Hershey Park to get some, but all of the brown cows were on vacation in Vegas.


BREAKING: FRESHMAN SMALL etc. etc.

Like, I literally can barely see them. Their tiny tiny legs move so quickly but make such little progress.


OP-ED: Summer Break Is over and Now I Am Illiterate

I tried to read my email, even BuzzFeed, but found myself lost in a sea of text. 


From the Class of '04: Amy, You Said We Were Your Favorite Class at Convocation

We kept on, knowing that we were being tested because we were special, that we were the culmination of 263 of failed attempts at perfection.


Irresistible: PA Powerball Finally Throws NCH Single into Prize Pool

Not only will winners of the PA Powerball clinch a jackpot of over 80 million dollars, but they will also receive the ultimate prize. 


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