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Study: 85% of All Club Board Meetings Spent Continuously Restructuring Club

The study accounted for the entire spectrum of clubs at Penn: from consulting groups, to service groups, to very funny satire publications, to less funny satire publications.


University With 13 Billion Dollar Endowment Can’t Afford Drainage on Locust Walk

"Don’t I pay enough for this school? Why can’t they just install gutters or something, or have engineers with tiny straws suck up the water so I don’t have to deal with this?"


5 Manly Mountain Bikes to Conquer Potholes on Your Way to United By Blue

Tired of falling off your dinky little road bike every time you hit a Philly street crater?


Unique Work-Study Opportunity: Trimming Amy Gutmann’s Chia Pet

As for payout, you can expect a cool $7.25 per hour (as well as the priceless joy of murmuring “ch-ch-ch-chia” to yourself as you complete your horticultural duties).


Commons Replaces All Plates with Zoo-Pals, Still Runs Out

Zoo-Pals, the beloved paper plates that double as friends, pair perfectly with the sophisticated, sometimes-good cuisine served up at Commons.


BREAKING: Freshman Buys One Plant and Starts Referring to Her Dorm as a 'Space'

Her seemingly innocuous purchase, a peanut butter cookie and a small succulent, soon took a turn for the worse.


Penn Students Surprised Brexit 'Still a Thing'

On a campus which was awash in a midterm voting rush just weeks ago, wouldn’t these students who claim to be politically active on American issues be aware of one the biggest economic events of the past decade?


University Honor Council Spotted Stalking Terrified CIS Freshman Like Sharks Circling a Wounded Tuna

According to its website, the Honor Council “is an undergraduate student body that promotes academic integrity and honorable conduct in the Penn community.” According to an eyewitness, however, the Honor Council “resembled a clan of hyenas, closely tracking the trail of an abandoned, limping gazelle fawn.”


Quiz: Is That Smell Aged Gorgonzola Or Your Roommate's Sheets?

I can only smell it in our room, but I haven’t ever left the room so it could be further than that.


UPennAlert: Chef Rick Bayless Is Running Around Frontera Naked Slathered In Guacamole Again

People are advised to avoid the scene until further notice.


Sophomore Stocks Up on Plan B Before Getting Fucked by Midterm

"I’m going to get absolutely fucked by this bio midterm regardless of how I try to prepare, and I’m not on birth control or anything, so I’d better be safe and get Plan B."


Girl Sells Roommate on Free or For Sale

When Erin Zheng met Emily O’Byron for the first time on Quaker Days, it was love at first sight (but in, like, a completely platonic roommate sort of way). 


Crafty! Freshman Smuggles TupperwareTM Into Family’s Thanksgiving Dinner

At this point in the semester, every Penn freshman has either learned to sneak Tupperware out of the dining halls or learned to sneak other, non-TupperwareTM plastic containers out of the dining halls.


Making a Difference: Selfless Human Rights Law Students Collaborate to Save Vulnerable Starbucks Franchise

When the Starbucks on 34th and Chestnut streets announced that it would close in early December, nearby Penn Law students were shaken to their core.


Wow! Dean Furda and Your Uncle Really Hit it Off This Thanksgiving

Who is that giggling across the table? Who else, but Dean of Admissions Eric Furda and your Uncle Mike, childishly saying the word "basted" over and over.


Penn Bookstore Introduces Wharton-Branded, 25lb. Frozen Turkey

As a part of a special promotion for the Thanksgiving holiday, the University of Pennsylvania Bookstore has unveiled its new Wharton-branded, 25 lb. frozen turkey.


'I Feel Like I Peaked in High School' Complains Student Who Peaked in Middle School

Starved of validation for the first time in her life, she’s beginning to wonder how much she really deserves to be at Penn.


Freshman in Long-Distance Relationship Excited to Hear What Girlfriend 'Really Needs to Talk to Him About' Over Thanksgiving Break

“My girlfriend,” Jones confided, “really needs to talk to me about something. I love hearing what she has to say!”


OP-ED: I'm Passionate about Math, Unless I get a B on this Midterm

Really, you just need to put yourself out there. Try new things! As long as you can keep your 4.0, the world’s your oyster.


To House All Sophomores on Campus, Penn May Donate the Sophomore Class to Elon Musk

Having absolutely no way to go about coming up with the additional beds, the University determined that drastic action had to be taken.


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