What can I say? I gave my long-term girlfriend a promise ring last week and we’re staying together through college.

If only the simulator had a drunk driving setting or an extramarital affair setting built in, it would be perfect.

Plans for her day of rest included skipping all of her classes, having brunch at a restaurant of her choice, purchasing three new pairs of shoes, and indulging in a Netflix bender.

So please, start paying attention to me, and fix that exam grade I emailed you about.

Her trip came in the wake of an incredibly contentious election that put the future of a two-state solution on the line. Amazingly, Birthright managed to convince Sophie that Israel was less of a country with real world policy implications and more of a movie set for her very own eat, pray, love. 

I have compiled these photos of my European adventure to honor this sacred building in our time of collective grief. 

We got the shot with a baguette (and a deliberately suggestive comment about other baguette shaped items), the shot in the Louvre (posing next to a sculpture — she doesn't know which one), and the shot capturing the end of her time there with her making a faux-sad face saying she never wants to leave this “magical place.”

What kind of twisted soul enjoys blowing out the eardrums of everyone in a 5-mile radius?

TheMinimunWordRequirementWas2000ButMyTotalWordCountWasOnlyOne.

Some classmates had begun to grow suspicious as Jackson sneezed six times merely during the conversation about possibly moving the class outdoors. 

Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.

Pity us, noble Scene King, ruler of our lands. We worship you and would be honored to kiss the soles of your fucking overpriced shoes, worn simply to flex.

Last weekend he went down on me and when he was ‘done,’ he asked if that could double-count for the rest of the week.

Listen, I’m not here to convince anyone since no one really agrees with my P.O.V., but, as I am here with a platform that can help aid my personal agendas, I say a second Pret is what this campus needs.

Now, the votes have been cast, and a new board has been selected, and the Undergraduate Assembly can finally return to not impacting the day-to-day life of students as it was designed to do. Finally students can take a deep breath and focus on things that actually matter, ranging from doing laundry to literally anything other than UA. 

Of course, Reynolds could use another artist’s lyrics, or even come up with her own witty phrase, but she has become so used to looking up Drake verses for each post that she can no longer form an original thought.

She began to skip classes and to stay out late with that boy Ben from ZBT. She would come back and do work well into the early hours.

"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.” 

Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.

Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.