A twist, a sniff, and a flush of red.

“I haven’t called someone out by their initials on Sidechat in almost three days! I think I’m going through withdrawal.”

Thank god.

In a time of growing campus unity, someone needed to remind the student body that love is the only answer. Obviously, that someone was me. 

Tears ran down my cheeks, yet my mind mustered no thought other than the fact that her breath smelled distinctly of freshly consumed Law-School-provided white claws.

WUCC announces "the next step in streamlining open communication between stakeholders and creating an optimal environment for connection in the romantic stratosphere."

She’s totally in love. He briefly stopped snapping other girls out of respect. Who said true love can’t thrive at Penn?!?

You’re an older freshman and everything seems perfect: you just matched with a girl on Tinder, you both have your ages listed at 19 or 20, everything is in order. Then she hits you with a dreaded question: “What year are you?”

Yeah, I obviously feel bad, but seriously Uncle Chris…timing much?

Have fun, Quakers!

This year changed the game.

It’s sure to come in first place at this year’s national cum fossil convention.

Have you ever wondered why the security guards at Van Pelt check your backpacks and don’t seem concerned with much else? 

As controversy brews over our handling of Penn Fight Night 2023, my guilty conscience implores me to break my silence. I, Ted Kwee-Bintoro, Vice President for Partnerships, Charity Affairs, and General Malfeasance of the Wharton Graduate Association, spent the missing money. But it went to a good cause: I’m doing a couple fat rails tonight. 

An anonymous source has leaked that the one quiet kid who’s actually really fucking sneaky was the winner.

I’ve been thinking about how to make Big-Little Week more about me, and I finally realized my very close personal connection to the various sisterhoods across campus.

 I could see the parents think to themselves, “Wow, they sure didn’t look that unhappy at Harvard!”

Free yourself. 

Community Service? No thanks, I prefer community disservice. Next time you offer me a flier or ask me to buy from your bake sale, please don’t! I don’t need your handouts, I’m not a charity. You are!

Thanks to my once-daily prescription of chewable 80-mg sildenafil from the men’s telehealth provider Himsᵀᴹ, I’m unafraid of “cancel culture.” While others stay soft, I get so hard that I turn blue in the face.