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This Frat Party Was Just Okay... Then It Played Pepas

I don’t know what they’re saying or what Pepas means, but right at that moment, this shindig became legendary.

Aw Shucks! Former CIS 160 TA Now Works at Apple Genius Bar

He got a FAANG acceptance!

OP-ED: I Am a True Artist Who Cannot “Come to Club Meeting” or “Buy Alc for Pregame”

Shall I let the image of me approaching imminent death hang above my head like the Sword of Damocles? My mortality alone is principle enough.

BREAKING: Wharton First-Year Edges HOWWWW MANY PEOPLE???

According to a tiny, fine-print line written in the Constitution by our Founding Fathers, it states We MUST Not Edge for Political Gain.

Google Maps to Correct Walking Directions’ ETAs to Account For Insufferable Locust Walk Small Talk

More advanced features from Google rumored for the near future include the ability to upload your ex’s class schedule into the app for Google’s AI to predict where they might be walking — and to direct you away.

Chinese Politburo Ranks Penn Second for Ideological Orthodoxy After Peking University

 “Long live Xi Jinping Thought!” proclaimed Liz Magill.

BREAKING: Confucius Appointed as New University Provost

Confucius will replace Beth Winkelstein, bioengineering professor and interim provost. Confucius will be the first Chinese, first Confucian, as well as the first non-living individual to serve as Penn provost. 

Penn to Rent Your Parent’s Unfinished Basement for Student Housing During Upcoming Quad Renovations

Quaint and comfy, this basement is complete with visible wall insulation, industrial chic lighting, and bare concrete floors.

I Seek Personal Validation by Making Eye Contact with Asian Parents Touring Campus

 I am “your cousin Kevin” now, bitch.  

Life Fuel: Starbucks Claims that "You Spin Me Right Round Baby Right Round Like a Record Baby Right Round Round Round"

This is insane. This morning, at the Starbucks on 34th and Walnut, I had an experience that was beyond life-changing.

Photo Essay: Why Don't You Care That We're In The Poconos?

Please, follow us through our journey to what we like to call The Alps of Eastern Pennsylvania… or… The Poconos.

Oops! Magill Approves Penn's First Fleet of Fighter PILOTs

In an official statement, Magill responded to critics: “To our activists of color, I hear you. I am listening. Next time, I will try and listen a little more closely, though — I think I know what PILOTs are now.”

Quiz: Should You Go Blonde?

You could totally pull it off.

BREAKING: Women of Penn Wet for the First Time in Years

Here we all are. Together, on Penn‘s campus, in Philly, and, most importantly, wet.

OP-ED: Wharton Alliance Should Allow LGBTQ+ Allies to Cissy That Walk!

Cishet men/women dating in a nebulous queer way shall immediately be VPs of the diversity and inclusion committee.

There Will Be Blood: My Hallmate Fucked My Mom

When I met him during move-in my heart skipped a beat. So did my mom's. 

How To Dry Your Socks In Class Without Anyone Noticing

Pour liquid nitrogen onto your feet. Your feet are no longer wet, since they are now solid.

Woke Mob Hasn’t Cancelled David Bowie but Here Are the 10 Tweets I Will Fire Off if They Hypothetically Did

I am a top student at the University of Pennsylvania, not a prostitute.

Help! My Appearance Has Been Suffering, Please Send Me Thoughts About Me

Indeed, I have even attempted walking closely behind freshmen with hopes of corralling the trailings of their unregulated pheromones into my shell of a body.