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OP-ED: Penn Period Project Needs to Up Their Inclusivity (The Free Tampons Were Too Petite for My Monstrous Heavy Flow)

Erm… as if there’s a “regular” type of period to have.


Hello, I Am Applying to Your DEI Committee as a White Person Who Calls My Asian Girlfriend Mi Amor

She calls me gringo and I call her Mi Amor.


I’m Just Trying to Figure Out What Sport You Play, Not Look at Your Boobs

Ponytailed or French braided? On foot or scooter? There is a myriad of sports she could play.


Big Spreadsheet Open on Laptop Next to Me — Now I Know All the Financial Secrets of America’s Largest Corporations!

How did this man have access to all this information? The answer may shock you.


Stupid Girl at Berghain Doesn’t Understand Going to Penn Kind of a Big Deal Where I’m From

I return to my friends and relay a successful tale of rizz. They are impressed. I have done it again, they say.


Sorry I Said Your Writing Was Horrendous, Worthless, Asinine, and Elementary — I Was Just Hungry

I return having smoked a cigarette and eaten a Quest Bar. Dear Sir, your writing was great!


Joy of Extra Hour of Sleep No Match for Horrors of 4:45 PM Sunset

If this is the price we must pay, I say let the daylight go unsaved.


Students Watching Math 104 YouTube Videos Extremely Educated About Fetterman’s Campaign

They can correctly answer how long Oz lived in New Jersey, but have zero clue what the chain rule is.


OP-ED: Halloween is Unnecessary, We Already Constantly Live in Fear

Sure, ghosts, zombies and vampires are scary, but wouldn’t we rather face poltergeists and the undead than face loneliness, ostracization, apathy, and disappointed parents? 


I Paid My Tuition Bill and Now the Dean Has a Fresh Fade

Like what the fuck is Magic Gardens and how is it going to impact the economy? 


You Might Remember Us: We Went to Frat Thing, Who Cares?

We are the ones who put our groupmates to shame with an unprecedented number of Instagram story views last Wednesday evening.


High-Rise Mice, Rats Complain of Student Infestation

“Oh, they’re terribly uncouth, I feel I must say,” said Alfred IV, a mouse from Harnwell, where his family has reigned for centuries.


Penn Launches Campus-Wide Intercom System To Announce Commons Specials Every Morning

Speakers disguised as rocks, trash cans, piles of leaves (in the fall), and piles of dirty snow (in the winter) will broadcast the announcement everywhere within a 5-mile radius. 


Champagne This, Shackles That, Who’s Going To Bail Me Out for Public Indecency?

Champagne and shackles is yet another example of the blatant insensitivity of Penn students towards marginalized communities. Express your support for these communities by donating to my GoFundMe bail fund or the Innocence Project. 



Student With No Depression Exhibits Stellar Executive Function

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk


Huntsman To Be Dissolved To Dust, Gigantic and Obscene Monument For Wharton Alliance To Be Erected in Its Place

Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal.



OP-ED: My Ethnic Nose is Carrying This Diversity Initiative

Arab noses can be so beautiful, darling.


I Lived It: My Roommate Boiled Her Menstrual Cup in My Electric Kettle

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few pairs of Thinx period panties in my drawer, but this was too far.


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