“Ha! Those Whartonites can’t say I have a useless major now!” 

"I have already calculated it, and I do not have to grade all of your exams in order to retain my job as a professor at Penn for the next semester. Actually, I only need to submit precisely 60% of your grades on PenninTouch."

Why write down real, accurate, historical things that have actually happened when you can record the funny things your brain makes up at night?

A pop-up message complete with virtual confetti appeared saying, “Congratulations, class of 2020! What better way to celebrate your graduation than to make a gift to The Penn Fund?”

"The whole world is suffering from this here coronavirus and it’s all China’s fault! It’s only right that they should pay. Ain’t no nobody, state, or country gonna take away my freedom. This is America, damn it! I say sue ‘em!"

In an official statement, Student Health Services reported that all Penn students have become near-sighted, allergic to brightness, and at least slightly obese after half a year of quarantine.

Penn, like many other universities, has yet to announce its four-months-away response to the rapidly evolving pandemic with new information daily. Despite this, Penn Dean of Admissions, Eric “swearing at the Eagles” Furda (C '87) sent an email to international students this past week promoting gap year options “just so they know they are there.”

Shocking! Students have reported getting zapped for mentally losing focus of the 1920 Commons salad bar and the LCH daily special for just a few seconds.

2019 is over. It is time to say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer and hello to Pasty Girl Spring.

They wanted to know how he had gotten into the locked building. Evans replied simply, “I never left.”

Some people in various states around the country were like, this quarantine thing sucks. I want to be able to buy grass seed and go to my third home. I miss the everyday freedoms like yelling offensive things at women on the street. And we all get it — every one of us misses those things too.

This isn't about you. It's about liberated women everywhere. It's about women everywhere who are really fucking lonely. You can do it. We believe in you. 

Craigslist exists to help us build ourselves up as a community, whereas Dean’s List exists to break us apart and tear us down.

After some sobbing, Melanie announced she had failed her coronavirus test. "I knew it was pass/fail but my advisor told me they never fail anyone, mom!"  

“I’m 100% done with this,” says Genevieve, whose family is in the 1%. 

The black hole has obtained so much mass that it’s gravitational pull is stronger than ever. This explains Penn’s rising tuition.

The upcoming midterm will consist of long-form response questions, diagram drawing, and every other question type seemingly handpicked to make your life just a little more inconvenient.

But look. I think we can do even better. Why would we stop at one wildly dangerous, devastating illness when we could do more?

We call on the great silent majority, the privileged students of Penn: Be loud. Be proud. Never forget that you, above everyone else, matter.

Students from the class were willing to confirm that Owens conveys roughly as much useful information during his Twitch rants on Belle Delphine as he ever did during a regular recitation.