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Choose Your Own Adventure: Can You Make it to the Band Room with Enough Time Left To Cry and Listen to ‘How to Save A Life’ by The Fray?

The year is 2016, and it’s another crummy day at Glendale High School. You’ve just finished a nourishing plate of hash browns and pizza, so you put your tray up and get ready for 6th period. But just as you make your way to the cafeteria exit, something happens that would irreversibly change the course of your school day.





Professor Assigns So Much Work Wallowing in Sorrow Cut From 2 Hours to 30 Minutes

My professors have recently been cutting into that time more and more, to the point that I may not have any time tonight to contemplate my existence while listening to Frank Ocean. 


Strippers Confused About Alarm in Shortage of Poll Workers

"I just don't know how all these organizations are going along with this lie! And no one has contacted any of the clubs to ask if the shortage is real. Which it isn't! But I guess now, people are finally recognizing how important we are in keeping our democracy alive."


5 Trader Joes Products That Will Briefly Curb Feelings Of Impending Doom

Do you often feel stressed about the existential threat of climate change? Then you should indulge in some of this creamy, delicious pasta! 


BREAKING: Heirloom Trip Ends with Total Under $6,000

“We here at Heirloom-Giant profoundly apologize for this grave error, and want to ensure our customers that it will never happen again.”


Breaking: My Social Skills During the Pandemic

Hi, um how are you doing? What have you and your um friends been up to? … sorry that’s a stupid question. We’re in a pandemic. Are we friends? Is that weird to ask? It would be nice if we were friends, though. Don’t you think?


Seven Horrible Things About Campus That Will Make You Stop Missing It

Do you long to feel the playful Philadelphian wind on your luscious locks as you walk down Locust? Despair no more, my friend! Here are seven utterly horrible things about campus that will finally make you stop missing it so badly.


How to Perfect Your Spook-tacular Amy Gutmann Halloween Costume

The best way to lock down a Gutmann costume is to spook West Philly residents. Strutting down the streets, checking out future Penn property, being the gentrifying queen you are. Maybe there’s a cool space to build New College House West West?


BREAKING: Penn Makes Firm, Decisive Spring Plan That Will Definitely Not Change

They are firm, realistic, executable plans that could change at any moment the second we decide something else is more profitable or convenient for us. 


US Voters Take Gold in 2020 Olympics Mental Gymnastics

Their amazing performance of pro-life but anti-mask advocacy earned the US team a spot in the finals against the North Korean team, notoriously nicknamed “The Iron Kims”. 


If Penn Says I Can't Come, I'm Showing up With a Signed Note From My Mom

My mom is NOT the type of woman to sign notes for me willy nilly! That's why I was shocked when my mom told me that I would be going to school this spring regardless of University protocol.


Student Hospitalized After Carrying Breakout Room Convo on His Back

The weight of the conversation rests on their shoulders. People crack under the pressure. The human spine isn’t meant to carry that much weight. 


Supreme Court Rules Pro-Life: Officially Mandates Masks

On October 26th, 2020, Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The conservative judges on the Supreme Court have a strong foothold, hoping to rule on topics such as immigration, LGTBQ+ rights and abortion. With the addition of Judge Barrett, the Court is expected to declare the constitutionality of a nationwide mask mandate to secure a pro-life agenda.


Top Reasons Your "Apolitical" Friend Is Actually Just a Trump Supporter

Maybe you tried to talk about the debate and they, fidgeting and uncomfortable, responded, "What debate?" You can't help but think: is it REALLY possible that someone can be so apolitical?


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