My hands are sweating. I’m Usain Bolt in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. 

Penn Engineers are having more sex than everyone. 

Soupe du jour? Friendship. 

Oh, what’s my major? I’m really glad you asked, it’s LET’S CUT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT AND SMOKE SOME CRACK-COCAINE.

Everything is going to be okay (heart emoji).

“Wow, woke king! This white guy takes to a minority today!”

Their presence strikes a fear unlike any other. Their neon shirts repel ne’er-do-wells from miles away. Their 3-gear bikes are rumored to be direct Tour de France hand-me-downs. They are Penn Security. And you don’t want to mess with them.

I mean, it was a fun sesh, but super? I thought it was pretty standard, all things considered. 

Yes, 90% of the rush class are freshmen, they will all do pretty much everything without you, and the only other sophomore is a little weird, but that's part of it!

Wax may be a public pariah but this part of her identity remains pubic. 

Mark, you shouldn't have! Mais non, Mark! Mark, mais non!

I'm not angry with them, just disappointed.

I used to go to class and the stupid whores with Dior bags would scrunch their nose jobs and say, “It smells like greasy meat and gasoline in here.” Well girls, it didn’t just smell like it, you were smelling it!

UTB Finally Got a DEI Executive Position

Do you ever think about how deeply unfuckable it is to work in a "knowledge-based industry?"

Imagine if they were cheaper around finals... I would personally not be spared

Flood, shmlood. 

Critics say the institution is on track to become the country’s hottest eatery.

Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy.