Want to look like the most exclusive, hottest bitches in Philadelphia? UTB did all the hard work for you and found out where they all like to hang out.  

Last year, when he didn’t see his shadow, Pritchett announced that all students should rapidly abandon campus and finish the semester online. 

For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.

“When I opened the decision portal when it came out, the thought of filming my reaction never crossed my mind,” said Delaney.

Saving lives, making addicts, that's the Starbucks guarantee! 

This means that I’m not going to get sucked into the rat race of academic success or other traditionally accepted forms of success.

My sources tell me that I need to contact the professor if I’m interested in becoming a teaching assistant, but as a pretty person, I’ve never been one to have to ask for what I want.

You think sheets of paper are gonna rectify the damage of your blowing asshole?

This past Sunday Penn Police were anonymously tipped by a few students who said they saw “blinding flashes” and heard “what sounded like Optimus Prime ripping a bandaid off his genitalia” coming from VP 4th floor.

Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”  

If you repent and pray extra hard, you will be saved.

1. Tell the person that you are talking to that you have had antibodies since the first semester. They’ll know.

According to Saqi, the work is “so easy”, consisting mainly of “copying and pasting”, “sipping martinis”, and “going on luxury cruises across the world”. How didn’t I think of this sooner?

Let us know if we got it right!

K&K: Ultimately, I am obsessed with hearing the sound of my own voice — in fact, when other people speak, it makes me viscerally sick. I’ve also always had a proclivity for backward walking and repressing my trauma and would be thrilled to add both to my resume. 

 “Why did no one tell me?” she groaned.  

“Slipping and sliding with all my new friends made me realize the tuition really was worth it,” freshman Colin Mann said.

“My great grandfather was Italian, and I absolutely LOVE going to Latin BBQ every year. It’s one of my favorite Penn traditions,” stated White.

Especially in these unprecedented times, CAPS is more committed than ever to creating a safe and caring environment for Penn’s diverse student body. 

“It means a lot to me,” says Texas native, Sammy Rodriguez (W ‘23). “You know, my family in Austin has been really struggling to stay warm and find drinkable water, so to see Senator Ted Cruz take 5 minutes out of his vacation time to boil a pot of water is truly heartwarming. I’m sure it’ll mean a lot to my family too once their power comes back on.”