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Boring! Putin Employs Overdone ‘Will They or Won’t They’ Trope in Ukraine

The truth of the matter is that all of Russia’s best seasons are behind it. Putin can try his best to push the envelope by “violating international law” and “ignoring the national sovereignty of neighboring countries,” but for true fans, all the dynamism of the former Communist bloc is gone. 


OP-ED: Suck Me Dry See If I Care

Remember, you naked agent of everything. The world didn’t corrupt you; you corrupted the world. And now you are crying? You absolute angel.


BREAKING: People Who Are Trying to Fuck Get Trapped in Elevator

“I thought we would just hook up and then see each other on Tinder for the next few years, maybe run into each other at Commons. I’m not really sure what to say.” 


Penn Club Initiatives: Have They Gotten Out of Hand?

I believe that no student should have to take Econ 001 or Econ 002 at Penn.


Penn to Suspend Campus Operations Until They Get To the Bottom of What’s Going on (Theta Big-Little Week)

An eerie silence has settled over campus as students have returned to their homes to fastidiously monitor the Instagram activities of Kappa Alpha Theta sisters.


Quitting Nicotine Is So Easy! I’ve Already Done It Like 6 Times

Vaping is bad for you.


Philanthropic! Penn Frats to Hold Annual Elephant Walk to Fundraise Local Sanctuary

We salute Penn’s fraternities for their valiant efforts to raise money for such a pressing issue and hope that many follow in their elephant walk footsteps.


Penn to Cease All Classes, Instead Robs Students at Gunpoint for Four Straight Years

Why waste all of the time and money required for things like classes and professors?


World Record: I’ve Accumulated 137 Green 2 Go Boxes in My Room

Anything green is sustainable, right????



OP-ED: The Grab and Go Policy Should Be Extended to Fracket Piles

Tonight, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will steal that Aritizia Superpuff that was so delicately, so playfully tossed across the Natty Light puddle beneath your feet. It’s fate.


OP-ED: Don’t You Think Homosexuals Are Just Narcissistic?

Hear me out. It's what they would want: voices being heard. 


Penn Therapy Dog Tired of Your Shit

 “These students think I can’t understand them,” said Fluffy. “But I can understand everything. All the things they tell me, they hurt me. I never knew the world was such a horrible and cruel place. And I don’t understand why I have to bear the psychological burden of the cruel human world. Now I can never sleep at night.” 


Extremist Group You Don’t Care About Does Something You Don’t Understand in Country You Haven’t Heard Of

The extremist group has appeared on your Facebook feed many times in the past—you always respond to those posts with a “sad face” emoji.


Feeling Generous This V-Day Season? Consider Purchasing Roses to Help Local Sorority Sisters Go to Vegas

Anything helps and it only takes a second of your time. Be charitable this holiday season and change a young girl's life. 


If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?

Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.


Take the Stairs, Man! I am a Werewolf Who Needs to Make it to Rooftop Lounge Quickly so That I Can Stare Longingly at the Moon

 OMG protip: can you,,,, like take the staiws if u live on floor 5 or below??? Pl0x???// *tail swishing* roflcopter!!!!!! 


I’m in Charge Now, Suckers: Welcome to Pritchett World

Who am I, you ask? WHO AM I? I’m Wendell goddamn Pritchett! What do you mean, you’ve never heard of me? Shut up! SHUT! UP!!! God DAMN IT!


Campus in Agreement: Shameless Plug Actually Pretty Shameful

To calm the concerns of the Penn community and pat down controversy caused by his “shameless plug,” Cox reminds everyone that the proceeds of his club’s fundraiser will go to the Trump 2024 campaign.


Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann: This Is an Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann

Very Important Announcement From President Amy Gutmann Very Very Important Look Here Read Now Today Read


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