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Unused Yoga Mat Has Now Been Sitting in Woman’s Apartment for 2 Years

Coated in a substantial layer of dust, the Lululemon yoga mat she bought sophomore year rests desolately in the corner of her bedroom closet. It has remained untouched for the past two years — she last attempted to use it at home in November 2016, guided by a soothing Youtube instructional video on her 13” Macbook Air.


Quiz: Does Your Man Have a Future, or Is He Going to Die Tomorrow?

With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future?


If You Wanna Be My Lover, Please Have the Summer Application on My Desk by May 1st

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”


All Penn Landscaping Decisions Reduced to What Flowers Will Bloom for Quaker Days

The most popular species thus far have been the Growius Fastia, the Comehere Pleas, and the Weare Better Thanyale.


I’m a Penn Athlete and I Will Accept Payment in Cash Venmo or Bitcoin Thank U

If Venmo doesn’t work for you, I can accept payment in many different forms.


Here Are 5 Puddles You Can Splash Around in Instead of Paying for Pool Party This Fling

Whether you are among the many that couldn’t snatch a ticket or you came to the brave and shocking conclusion that $70 was simply too much to pay to for a pool party without swimming, we have the solution for you.


Girl in Front of You in Class Actually Doing Work so Things Are Probably over with Ben from ZBT

Though Curtain is done squandering her class time on texting Ben from ZBT, she still has not dipped her toes into scholarship on immigration and refugees. She is off to a solid start, though, and is taking baby steps toward her final goal.


Fatality: Five Dollar Spotify Premium Fee Delivers Final Blow to Student's Bank Account

“Spotify taught me the meaning of pain, both physically and financially,” Lucero sighed, his wallet lighter than the AirPods in his ears. “I’m gonna be eating Locust Walk shrubs for days.”


OP-ED: I Spend so Long in the DRL Bathroom and Not Because I’m Getting Head, I Have Hemorrhoids

I want to issue a formal apology to anyone came at the same time as a crescendo of farts escaped my rectum.


Watch Out! That Kid Who Scooters to Class Just Got Nunchucks

While he doesn’t plan on using them to hurt anyone, he does plan on practicing with them every 12 to 3 o’clock on College Green.


Pennsylvania Lawmakers Propose Ban on Single Use Fling Tanks

Why do you want to waste your money on a tank top with a Penn club pun that has a slightly inappropriate twist to it?


Magic Gardens Tickets Never Existed, Just Construct Teaching Privileged Feeling of 'Wanting and Not Receiving'

This past Sunday, researches in Penn’s department of sociology announced that Castle’s Magic Gardens event would not be coming back, and, no, it wasn’t canceled. In a press conference to the University, Dr. Tanvi Kapoor revealed that her team in Penn’s sociology department was behind this round of tickets, not the fraternity.


Big Woof! The Service Dog in Your Lecture Got a Higher Score Than You on the Midterm

Sure, we all know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others at such a competitive school, but what’s the fun in that? Here is a side by side comparison of you and the service dog from lecture.


Exit Poll: UA Voters Care Most About Neat Sidewalk Chalk Handwriting

It really is a dying art.


OP-ED: If I Had Known About Writing Sem I Would've Gone to Cornell

I should’ve gone to Cornell, learned about hotels, and gotten a sweet job at the Four Seasons or some shit.


"It Is What It Is" Says Student Who Just Aced the Midterm

Shut up, Rafael. Everyone knows you did perfectly fine on the exam.


March Madness Win: This Mechanical Engineer Had the Best Bracket

He’s previously competed in a desk building competition, so Hader has had to pick brackets before. Last year, he put all his money on the Everbuilt Zinc Plated 1 ½” Bracket, but that one lost it all during the strength test. 


This Week at the Kelly Writers House: Edible, Sex-Positive Zine Workshop

Topics of your zines can include, and are limited to, ethical non-monogamy in Papua New Guinea, the intersectional bisexuality of John Quincy Adams, and the best places to masturbate on campus.


Click-Bait: I Just Described a Penn Student I Saw on Locust! Click to See If It's YOU!

Spruce Street is her refuge, the path for those on this campus who crave a shred of anonymity. Protecting her from the sight of others, her Penn cap says it all: “yes, I’m a low-key bitch. And, you’re also right — I do go to Penn.”


President of Penn Democrats Declares Bid for Presidency, Citing 'Issues' and 'Problems'

His public announcement on Locust — difficult to hear over four adjacent a cappella groups blasting music and selling tickets — was received with moderate enthusiasm by his friends. “We’ve got to fix what’s going on,” he said candidly. “Why is it so hard to get Magic Gardens tickets? I think there’s some conspiracy.”


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