Penn Football Coach Ray Priore Takes On Second Job as Pizza Delivery Driver
In a recruiting twist, Priore is rumored to be the hiring target of local favorites Allegro Pizza and Zesto Pizza.
News
Penn Basketball Unveils Chipotle Men's Bathroom Presented by Taco Bell at the Palestra
“There’s definitely a lot of influence from Taco Bell and Chipotle in that bathroom,” one student said. “I can safely say that I’ll be watching from my dorm next game.”
Penn Football Coach Ray Priore Takes On Second Job as Pizza Delivery Driver
In a recruiting twist, Priore is rumored to be the hiring target of local favorites Allegro Pizza and Zesto Pizza.
Athletes Attend Classes More, Get Worse Grades
Better step it up student athletes!
Penn Basketball Unveils Chipotle Men's Bathroom Presented by Taco Bell at the Palestra
“There’s definitely a lot of influence from Taco Bell and Chipotle in that bathroom,” one student said. “I can safely say that I’ll be watching from my dorm next game.”
Penn Lacrosse Team Suspended for Inventing Fake Sport To Get Into Penn
What tipped the investigators off was one key flaw in this ingenious plan: No one had been seen playing this sport in real life outside of a fictional state called Connecticut.
In Midst of COVID Recession the Pleasure Chest Offers New $1400 Deluxe Package
To keep up with demand, The Pleasure Chest has just announced a new sale that the business is sure will attract customers' stimulus-check-heavy pockets.
Penn to Erect Campus’ First Sex Dungeon
Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus' first sex dungeon.
Back When They Took Anyone: Penn Admissions Through the Years
Throughout its 281 years of existence, the University admission committee has done the very most to ensure that every class of Penn students is as talented, intelligent, and white as possible.
From Napoleon to Gutmann: Inside the Penn President's Quest to Conquer Philadelphia
It’s been reported that Gutmann will stride around her office daily on horseback, telling subordinates that their caliber must be high if their attempts at domination are to be successful.
Massive PennCard Data Breach Reveals Details of Penn Hookup Culture
Students have mixed reactions to new “Locust Lust” platform.
To Keep Dorm Names Consistent, Quad Renamed To Prehistoric College House South
"I remember in my first week on campus, I would go home to the Quad, but I kept accidentally going to Hill because it was the first 4-sided building I saw.”
For the Class of 2024, Some Fear Virginities May Never Be Lost
There may never be a chance to retrieve these experiences that the first-year class has lost.
University Announces Student Vaccine Distribution Plan for Penn Community
The Daily Pennsylvanian reporters met with school administrators earlier this morning to collect information about the logistical outline of the coming weeks.
Pottruck Heats Up, Expands, Initiates Birth of Observable Universe
Onlookers claimed that Pottruck’s rapid expansion, which left fully-formed planets and entire galaxies in its wake, happened in the span of “a couple milliseconds.” As expected, everyone in the gym at the time was immediately vaporized.
Four Items From Urban Outfitters Clearance Rack That Say: My Parents Were Absent During My Developmental Years
Every piece of clothing in Urban Outfitters tells a story. Some say, "I just moved from Rural Virginia to Philly and boy do I need to stop wearing skinny jeans." Others say, "I just deleted Hinge for the sixth time, but this Saturday night I will redownload it."
Penn Is Forcing Meal Plans on Sophomores So that Dining Workers Are Paid More, Right?
We all know that Penn is a seriously cash-strapped institution. The existence of Gregory College House is proof that the university does not have enough money to keep things in repair. If the school can’t even maintain dorm buildings, how do you expect Penn to pay its dining hall workers?
Penn Improves on COVID Dashboard by Replacing Numbers With “This Is Fine” Meme
If students were curious they could double click on the image which takes them to a page with the meme as an animated GIF so the flames move.
Zoom Releases “Anti Pin,” to Hide the Ugly Motherfucker With Their Camera on in Lecture
Thank god Zoom has finally accommodated its users by letting us hide the bitch once and for all.
Fraternity Brother Tells Contact Tracer COVID Transmissible Through Zoom Lecture
Students have wrongfully pointed their fingers at Greek Life when, all along, it was the breakout rooms that lead to all the cases.
Coming Soon: OrPizza, NorPizza, XorPizza, NotPizza
u00a0Thus, the Law of Total Probability is satisfied. u00a0
UTB Writer's Grandma Confident He'll Hit His Stride if Given Time
Evan has struggled to make the leap from cracking jokes at family dinners or retweeting funnier people to cranking out solid satire twice a week but his grandma was quick to point out that he was also slow to learn the alphabet.
