Slay! Stephanie Really Hasn’t Changed For the Worse Lately
Stephanie looks forward to more weeks of not being a complete cunt.
News
Dweeb! Single Tables Force Students to Relive Middle School Trauma
During meals, students sitting alone scream out in agony: “I’m getting my braces off next week, I promise!” One student even broke down crying, muttering to himself: “But, my mother tells me I’m beautiful.”
Slay! Stephanie Really Hasn’t Changed For the Worse Lately
Stephanie looks forward to more weeks of not being a complete cunt.
BREAKING: Humanities Professor Wants to Talk About Modernity
Ah, modernity. Just, ahh… gosh, where to start? Okay, how about this: what is modernity? Heh, what even is it? What do you guys think — is it an era, a concept, an ethos? Do you… feel modern?
Dweeb! Single Tables Force Students to Relive Middle School Trauma
During meals, students sitting alone scream out in agony: “I’m getting my braces off next week, I promise!” One student even broke down crying, muttering to himself: “But, my mother tells me I’m beautiful.”
Relaxing! Professor Wishes Students a Refreshing Engagement Day as He Replaces Lecture With Quiz
He so strongly emphasizes the importance of mental health during the pandemic, even mentioning it in his syllabus right above his zero-tolerance late policy and no partial credit grading policy.
Gutmann Rejects "New Normal," Accepts Usual Paycheck
"And what's worse, everyone is talking about this "new normal" like we are never going to be able to go back to how life was before. I'm putting my foot down. I won't accept it."
Ivy League Already Cancels 2021-22 Seasons
“I am pleased to say that our great league will not be playing sports for the foreseeable future,” Harris said. “We are once again taking the lead on this issue, and I am determined to uphold our league’s reputation."
It's Alive! Contemporary Writing House Sprouts Neck Bolts, Rises From Crypt
“What an amazing testament to Mary Shelley, my God,” Tenderson remarked, shaking his head. “Wait, she was contemporary, right? Shit.”
Penn Football Coach Ray Priore Takes On Second Job as Pizza Delivery Driver
In a recruiting twist, Priore is rumored to be the hiring target of local favorites Allegro Pizza and Zesto Pizza.
Athletes Attend Classes More, Get Worse Grades
Better step it up student athletes!
Penn Basketball Unveils Chipotle Men's Bathroom Presented by Taco Bell at the Palestra
“There’s definitely a lot of influence from Taco Bell and Chipotle in that bathroom,” one student said. “I can safely say that I’ll be watching from my dorm next game.”
Penn Lacrosse Team Suspended for Inventing Fake Sport To Get Into Penn
What tipped the investigators off was one key flaw in this ingenious plan: No one had been seen playing this sport in real life outside of a fictional state called Connecticut.
In Midst of COVID Recession the Pleasure Chest Offers New $1400 Deluxe Package
To keep up with demand, The Pleasure Chest has just announced a new sale that the business is sure will attract customers' stimulus-check-heavy pockets.
Penn to Erect Campus’ First Sex Dungeon
Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus' first sex dungeon.
Back When They Took Anyone: Penn Admissions Through the Years
Throughout its 281 years of existence, the University admission committee has done the very most to ensure that every class of Penn students is as talented, intelligent, and white as possible.
From Napoleon to Gutmann: Inside the Penn President's Quest to Conquer Philadelphia
It’s been reported that Gutmann will stride around her office daily on horseback, telling subordinates that their caliber must be high if their attempts at domination are to be successful.
Massive PennCard Data Breach Reveals Details of Penn Hookup Culture
Students have mixed reactions to new “Locust Lust” platform.
To Keep Dorm Names Consistent, Quad Renamed To Prehistoric College House South
"I remember in my first week on campus, I would go home to the Quad, but I kept accidentally going to Hill because it was the first 4-sided building I saw.”
For the Class of 2024, Some Fear Virginities May Never Be Lost
There may never be a chance to retrieve these experiences that the first-year class has lost.
University Announces Student Vaccine Distribution Plan for Penn Community
The Daily Pennsylvanian reporters met with school administrators earlier this morning to collect information about the logistical outline of the coming weeks.
Pottruck Heats Up, Expands, Initiates Birth of Observable Universe
Onlookers claimed that Pottruck’s rapid expansion, which left fully-formed planets and entire galaxies in its wake, happened in the span of “a couple milliseconds.” As expected, everyone in the gym at the time was immediately vaporized.
