News
Unsurprising: Wharton Student Found at Urinal With Pants and Underwear at His Ankles
This is not the first time this has happened to me, and I’m not longer shocked and appalled by it.
DP Sanctioned by Woke Mob After Reporting News That Did in Fact Happen
Under the Button would like to distance itself from any alleged associations with the Daily Pennsylvanian at this time.
WTF! WLCNO (Weingarten Learning Center New Offering): HTDAAP (How To Decode Acronyms At Penn)
Why tf are acronyms so difficult at Penn??
Quiz: J. Larry Jameson Lunch Order or Bible Verse?
Eat, drink, and be merry!
Penn Announces Use of Nuclear Weapons in Fisher Hassenfeld Renovations
The idea has received 'glowing' reviews.
This Fall, I'm Rushing Hashanah
My Bubbe always told me to reach for the stars.
‘An Inch Away From More Than Just Friends,’ Your Boyfriend and His Best Friend Know Every Lyric to This Chappell Roan Song
You found him the next week alone in his dorm with his eyes watering, staring at a picture of his best friend Richard Mater (C ’27), asking himself if it was casual now.
New Study Finds: The Worst Guy You Know Also Likes All of Keith McNally’s Instagram Posts
But, please, for the love of God. Just stop liking Keith McNally’s Instagram posts…
Oh, Melancholia! Everyday Pleasantries and Meaningful Friendships Reduced to Nothing With My Noise Canceling Headphones
If a tree falls in the forest, but I am wearing noise-canceling headphones, does it make a sound?
Student's Vow to Stop Vaping Undermined by Lack of Vow to Quit Drinking
“They’re gonna quit any day now,” said close friend Rick Flamenco, who always carries a Geek Bar set to burst mode on him, giving it during parties out to whoever asks. “I mean it’s not like any of us are addicted.”
Overheard At Penn: “Poor People Are Poor for a Reason” & 10 Other Statements
I swear these are all genuinely overheard.
Life’s Better on Saturn: I Contracted Dysentery From the Theos Luau Kiddie Pool
Submerging my body into that blue neon abyss was like reaching nirvana.
Paid Advertisement: Penn Mock Trial Team Searching for White Male Pervert to Play Role of Jeffrey Epstein
When we decided to conduct a mock Epstein trial, we knew that we needed someone who committed the same exact crimes as Jeffrey, down to the smallest, most minute detail.
Local Student Attempts To Steal From Pret; Gets CHASED Over Bridge And Spanked
The student was found staggering across High Rise field, muttering "I must not steal, I must not steal."
Penn’s New Regulations Regarding On-Campus Protest: Scary Larry Given License to Kill
Interim President Jameson has announced he is done fucking around and is now strapped.
Penn Establishes Office of Inspection of the Office of Ethnic Inclusion of Non-Members of the Antisemitism Office that Aren’t in the Other Task Force
The Good News Is Here. Join the Task Forces.
Heartbreaking: No One Knew What “Owls” Was at This Student’s Internship
The workers seemed indifferent toward Theos, constantly misunderstood the name Apes, and displayed complete and total confusion as to whatever it is Phi Roses does on campus.
Wharton GRC Kicked Off Campus After Mocktail Networking Session #2 Got A Little Too Crazy
“Chug, chug, chug,” another freshman recounted between tears, remembering how every drop of “The Market Mule” she put down made her think she’d be hip like the people in GRC. After being rushed to Penn Med that night, she now knows better, she says.
How Was My Summer Internship? Two Words: Clash of Clans Town Hall Level Seven
Life is suffering, and the only way to alleviate it is Clash of Clans or percocets.