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News


BREAKING: A New Annotation Has Been Added to Your Canvas Submission

That night, everything becomes clear under the ruthless moonlight. A new annotation has indeed been added to your canvas submission. MATH114 TA Bob Greisch has assessed your quiz and annotated: “None of these steps really help you get towards upper triangular.”


Annenberg Study Finds That Everyone Just Needs to Chill Out a Bit

“What we did was have our trained research fellows go out and observe people. They would look and see if people were like kinda chill and just vibing or if they were totally nutty and psycho,” Dubois said.


Freshman Being Bullied in Sorority Groupchat Happy to Have Finally Found Her Sisters

I’ll have another chemistry midterm, but the approval of a top tier frat can’t be regained once it’s gone.


Penn Party Denier Just Has Really Strong Cold

Literally, like literally, no parties have been going on whatsoever. 


Job Too Stressful: Amy to Self Care in NY

Take care of yourself bb <3


COVID-19 Slay! Couples Share Saliva Vial to Save Time Getting Tested

 Due to these new testing protocols, there has been an increase in elaborate kissing outside of testing centers.  


Freak Freshman Is "Fired up and Ready to Go" After Fully Recharging in Two-Day Spring Stay

 “Wednesday. Thursday. Two full days off— just amazing really,” Chapman said. 


Architect Who Worked on High Rises Honestly Shocked They All Still Standing

“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”


Student Who Hasn’t Eaten in 30 Minutes Hands Back Jolly Rancher Blue Spit Test

Jacob doesn’t even eat Jolly Ranchers. “I mean, don’t look in the cabinet, but if you do, the big bag of them in the kitchen belongs to my roommate.” 


Fuck: Talented Writer in Your Creative Writing Workshop Is Actually in SEAS

On top of being talented in creative writing, Fiona was also exceedingly employable.


Kate Gives Up for Lent

Holy life tip: just give up.


Spring Stay? More Like Spring Slay

Honestly, I feel like the break was a little bit too long if you know what I mean… like for a second there I almost stopped thinking about the ten midterm assignments I have to turn in by Monday.


Penn Introduces Summer Stay, Graduation Stay: You're Staying Here Forever

You must resign and accept the fact that you are here again, and that you are staying here forever. 


Sara Excited for Spring Break-Down

It's time to process that year long PTSD! 


Breaking: In-Person Graduation Announced to be 'Nerds Only'

The move is severe, but not surprising, as Penn has a long and proud history of being a nerds-first school. 


5 Signs Your Asynchronous Professor Is Secretly Into You

2. They tell you to email them after class with “questions." If this happens, you’re for sure going to nail your professor. They’re basically asking you to stay late, maybe turn the lights low, and finish off that hot lecture about physics with a tasty email nightcap.


CDC Reports B.1.1.7 Variant Transmitted Through The Great British Bake Off

The CDC has confirmed our worst fears: the strain is transmitted through one of Americau2019s most beloved British shows, The Great British Bake Off.u00a0


Disappointing! Student With Four Papers to Write Actually Illiterate

"I was looking at the Canvas site to read the prompt and it was like all the words had been replaced by these weird little sqiggles," recounts Goldman.


Penn Positive Psychology Center Preaches Positive Mindsets for Lower Positivity Rate

When Under the Button reached out for an interview an automated response screamed “POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY,” for a full 30 seconds 


New $200m Quad Renovation Will Make Buildings More Livable for Squirrels

 For some time it has been clear squirrels living in the Quad were getting a raw deal versus their brethren in the fit-for-a-giant-squirrel Lauder College House or even Hill. 


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