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News


Autumnal Baddie Patiently Awaiting the Day in Which She Can Assume Her Final Form

Although the days might be growing shorter, the sunlight dimmer, and the leaves browner, something is a bit off about this fall season. It might be the fact that it’s October and still 85 degrees outside. You can’t even walk to class without people wondering whether you’ve gotten a new Glossier delivery or you just really sweat that much.


With Vocal Fry, Student Thinks He Is More Sophisticated

As a result of his increased feigning of self-perception, Istem has found himself surrounded by women who are now suddenly attracted to him.


Dean Furda First-Ever Penn Official to Apologize to Philadelphia Community

In this wholly unprecedented turn, Furda looked in the mirror and saw a man capable of possessing both power and penitence. Acknowledging that his public tirade at the Philadelphia Eagles game was demeaning to the local sports community and the city as a whole, he defied nearly 300 years of university policy.


Quiz: Did You Go to Ritzy Boarding School?

So you’ve been talking to a guy for a little bit, but you just can’t tell how boujee he really is.


Meet Stan, the Sophomore Determined to Photobomb Every Date Night Picture

 Here he is at the Maclay family reunion last September. 


Signing into a High Rise? Please Have Your Penn Card and a Blood Sample out and Ready

Has your guest every been to Six Flags Magic Mountain? That makes a difference in which tiny piece of paper I give them to put in a basket literally seven feet away. Oh wait, it’s a Tuesday before 2pm? Then I’m going to need your mother’s maiden name as well.  


Busy and Elite Pre-Professional Student Uses Slack During Lecture

Carlos Howard is only a freshman, but he’s already in three clubs, and all three of them use Slack. It goes without saying that Carlos is very important and constantly busy.  


Student Walks 45 Minutes to Capital One Cafe to Do 15 Minutes of Work

John read five pages of his pop-psych freshman writing seminar book, then wrote down all of his tasks for that day, then decided that he was sad, so he picked up his things and headed back to Penn’s campus.


Art Hoe Alert! Jenny Knows How to Use a Disposable Camera

Jenny decided to pick up a Fujifilm disposable to take cute pics of her friends drinking various types of spiked seltzer.


With Midterms Looming, Spotted Lanternflies Thrive on the Compass

As midterms season approaches, superstitious freshmen are more diligent than ever in their evasion of the compass. Unfortunately, spotted lanternflies have recognized this trend and are using it to further their agenda for survival, reproduction, and ecological destruction. 


No Fair! Nerd Who Actually Did Reading Seriously Hogging Spotlight in Class Discussion

Last Thursday, eyes from all around the classroom table peered enviously at Jesse Babin (C ‘22) as he flawlessly interpreted and explained a passage from Robert Smithson’s “Hotel Palenque,” effectively stealing the metaphorical spotlight in the room.


Bumble App to Only Let Bottoms Message First

However, we no longer live in a binary society of bashful woman and charming men. What about the coy gay bottoms and the dashing lesbian tops? What about the couples looking for a third? What about the little pig boys searching for the boots of a goddess to lick?


Big Turn On: This Guy Showed Me a Clip of His High School Touchdown on Our First Date

Rogerson High School had been down 20-24 in the fourth quarter against their rivals, Ridgeport High School, with just 12 seconds on the clock. The team had the ball at its own 30-yard line, and prospects were grim. That’s when Coach Matt told the team to play a hail mary like they’d practiced.


To Save Money, Pottruck Will Only Stay Open First 5 Days of Semester

According to Campus Recreation Director Dr. Saul Marsh, “the gym basically goes empty after week one.


Student Excited to See If Coffee Will Cause Euphoria or Anxiety Attack

Sometimes, when she pulls the short straw and winds up with an anxiety attack, she starts sweating and drops a class.


Quiz: Is Your Partner Working on the Presentation or Are They Just Speedrunning Minesweeper?

But as you begin your search for primary sources, you start to notice your partner acting a bit strangely. Clenched jaw, twitchy fingers, darting eyes…wait a second. Could it be? Is your partner speedrunning Minesweeper instead of working on the presentation? Take this quiz to find out!


Student to Interview for Wharton MBA Program Fastens Ski Ticket to Arc'teryx

Applebaum suddenly remembered that Wharton MBA Admissions doesn't accept students who don’t know how to ski. When asked about the policy, Eric Chambers from the MBA Admissions Office commented “Just as we expect scores on the GMAT, we expect that students know how to ski."


Invasive Species Alert: Please Kill Anyone You See Biking on the Sidewalk

The sidewalk biker is especially devastating to urban areas, disrupting pedestrian flow and increasing the risk of getting your foot run over on the way to class.


Deborah Feeling Real Fucking Cocky After Calling her Congressman

Deborah is basically the only person who has ever called her Congressman.


Confident! Senior Reserves Hotel Room for Future Son's 2041 graduation

Every year, parents struggle to find accommodations near campus during graduation season. When Bob Mallow (N ‘20) learned that his parents would be Skyping in on his big day, he knew things needed to change.


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