“We were completely blindsided… that the law students actually made something happen,” said one design student who asked to remain anonymous. “We figured the administration would never listen to any backlash, but I guess all those yet to be lawyers did their yet to be lawyer thing.”

We do reserve the right to refuse you service if you form a single line.

“Oops, sorry about that,” Lowell said as his gangly, spider-like appendages knocked yet another MacBook onto the dusty auditorium carpet. Unfortunately, no amount of wincing or uncomfortable squeezing could halt Lowell’s pursuit of his classroom confidante. 

“We have set up curtains and cardboard mattresses in the lecture halls and classrooms in DRL,” said Penn Facilities in a statement released to the student body, “Classes will continue to be held in DRL. Just step over the sleeping students.”

Your name’s not Michael Fassbender, dummy! Your name’s Eric!

God exists. I’ve seen him. He’s always there, in the bookshop, tip-tapping away at his little computer. The image of sage wisdom and omniscient knowledge. Peering over his glasses, looking down at his desk just as he peers down at the rest of us. What’s he doing in there, at all hours of the night? What a vigilant soldier he is, guarding his little bookstore. 

Attempts to reschedule the meeting have not proceeded smoothly. Lin has an exam on Wednesday, so she can’t spare any time before then for some reason, and reports that the other group member can’t meet anytime other than 1:30-2:00 A.M. on February 3rd, 2020.

Henderson did not realize it at the time, but he was creating a diverse ecosystem in his apartment — one that was becoming increasingly unstable.

Recent studies have shown that you should not use LinkedIn. Other studies have shown that LinkedIn is good to use; this, however, is not the case.

From Wall Street to the Upper East Side and to the black Escalade which shuttled them to and fro, Ivy-League graduates from a time before the present returned to their alma mater.

With the weather getting colder and colder, it is essential to keep your extremities warm, especially those that can pass your genes.

Despite the various attempts by the Penn administration to improve the mental health services they provide, many students have found the availability and breadth of resources to be unsatisfactory.

The recent closure of Bobby’s Burger Palace has left many students perplexed with a complex issue. Where can they go to drown their weekly sorrows in large, chilled, probably overpriced milkshakes? Students of the “Penn Students Who Love or Appreciate Milkshakes and Other Ice Cream Based Beverages Social Group,” otherwise known as PSWLOAMAOICBBSG for short, no longer feel that their passion can be shared in the open anymore.

The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore. 

While your TA Greg is paid enough to sustain his body during this hour, he is not paid enough to sustain his soul. 

To commemorate Rubinson’s special day, Goldman posted the following message, spread across a 125 installment Instagram story: “To the best person I know. To the person I would die for. To the girl who knows how to have a good time like no one else. To the girl who can deepthroat a candelabra. Happy. Fucking. Birthday. Jenna."

Dealing with animal infestations has never been one of Penn's top priorities; however, the skunk infestation at the Bio Pond is simply getting out of hand. "Every time you walk through the area, it just reeks!" one biology professor complained. "Enough of us professors got together and told the University that it had to do something. We can't work on a campus like this."

“It’s kind of hard to apply Stokes’ Theorem when a piece of Wile E. Coyote’s arsenal is smoking and sputtering in front of your very eyes, you know?”

My new name is an enormous honor, and it completely captures Penn's mission as a prestigious research university."

The grandparents of Jacob Fitzman (C ’23) gleamed with pride when their precious grandson informed them that he was currently participating in advanced registration for Spring classes. In only a matter of minutes, the entire Fitzman family had received calls to hear the news.