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News


Castle Brother Found Innocent by Jury of Other Castle Brothers

A carefully selected jury of the assailant's peers (bros) gathered around a courtroom (castle basement) to perform an objective and unbiased analysis of the night's events.


Aw Shucks! Girl Next to You in Lecture Browsing Penn InTouch

She is free and you are not. What are you going to do?


REPORT: Kelly Writers' House Found to Be Even More Erotic Than Berlin Sex Clubs

Recent groundbreaking ethnographic research conducted by the Ginsburg Institute for the Amorous and Desirable has shown that the Kelly Writers’ House exudes more eroticism and sensuality than Berlin’s hottest sex clubs. 


FUCK! Not Again! I Dropped Another Fully-Cooked Lasagna Behind the Fridge

Why is there a massive gap between the refrigerator and the back wall that is the perfect size of a lasagna? 


Whimsical Girls Will Now Be Administered Mood Stabilizers To Enter Kelly Writers House

This CDC-approved and, in the words of Fauci himself, “awesome” drug is used to soothe the idiosyncratic and manic tendencies of girls whose behavior worsens in creative spaces like the Kelly Writers House. 


Engineer Uses 4-in-1 Wash Every 1-in-4 Days

“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”



Student Awakes from “Quick 20-minute Nap” In Time to Witness Heat Death of Universe

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.” 


Fact Check: Justin Bieber Was Not Made in America

 Spending hundreds of dollars to see American-made pop stars and being duped into seeing a maple syrup manufacturer’s spawn — absurd 


300 Professors Petition for Option to Teach Remotely After Receiving Pushback for Jerking Off In-Person

Though primarily a lengthy plea to Penn to let professors masturbate at home, the petition also cited mild concerns over the rising COVID-19 infection rates.


'Penn Men's Center for the Straight Male' to Be Housed Across from ARCH

Only when the white cis-male is free can we all be free.


How to Pretend Like You Actually Read the New York Times

Mention that crosswording is not a hobby, it’s a state of mind.


Message to the Penn Community: Germany is Awesome :)

Seriously, I’m not hamming this up for the email or anything. I am genuinely having the time of my life. Hey — race you to the top of Hohenzollern Castle!


BREAKING: Guy in Class Would Like to Direct Group’s Attention to Another Page

At which point, the entire class shat pants.


Boy Confused Why Scoring Delta Girl Bad

Brad had landed the hottest Delta babe ever.


Fuck: I've Already Farted in All of My Classes

 I thought they would come out silently; you’d go about your day with nothing but a subtle, lingering taste of baba ganoush in your mouth, and I’d go about my day with the satisfaction of knowing that I put it there. 


Penn, Do Better: Fisher-Bennett East Stairs Violate OSHA 1910.29(b)(1)

Penn, please do better. I don’t want to go over the balcony and turn myself into a pile of hairy strawberry ice cream. Especially in Fisher-Bennett Hall.  


High Rise Residents Opt To Live In Tents On NCHW Grass

“Sure, Harnwell was a pretty decent place to live, but in comparison to NCHW, it’s like I was living in Guantanamo Bay.”


Reminder: You Are Always Unmuted in Person

 “Oh no, not this cunt again.” 


Five Guys Replacing Beijing Is Just Modern Day Colonialism

After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians.


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