Adam doth wanted to go to a Snakes fraternity party, but the bro at the front door was all like, ‘thou shalt take a lap and come back with ye woman because the ratio inside’s fucked.

This time last year, a nerdy bookworm with a penchant for stealing girls’ phones and locking people in cages might have worried that he would never be able to land a date for Valentine’s Day.

She’s going to be so moist all the time. Her youthful glow is going to figuratively, and maybe even literally, deflect any and all crusty objects that attempt to penetrate her sweet, slippery face. 

"There are countless people in the world who need the warmth of a glove but demand the agility of bare fingers. When you buy a pair of Dexter Gloves, you'll know that you're helping someone else be able to play the guitar or use a touch screen in moderately cold weather."

Though their comments were hard to understand due to the speakers’ gargling of crude oil, attendees were reminded that the University investment portfolio represents a diversified range of interests designed to ensure Penn’s fiscal sustainability.

School is BACK, and so is your insatiable, stress-fueled sexual appetite.

If you’re going to have a fight with your family, you might as well plan for it to be at one of campus’ most argument-accommodating restaurants. Here’s how to choose.

No Super Bowl? No problem. Meet the innovative students who plan to straight up skip classes on Wednesday. 

There will also be cars for English majors, which go nowhere and do nothing, but look good while doing it, and for CIS majors, with an endlessly repeating announcement counting down the hours until the next problem set is due.

"All of us at Owls are rooting for 21, and we hope this whole ICE rubbish gets sorted out soon."

96% percent of Penn students can't figure it out! Will you be able to distinguish Amy Gutmann's salary from a phone number? Test your skills in this short, interactive quiz!

While she liked almost all of the ads, her favorites included “that one with the M&M, that funny one with the beer, and the one with the babies.” 

“What does that young fellow have all over his skin? He is very good looking I must say, but what is with the schmattas all over his chest area?"

While the two recently refurbished escalators are reported safe and sound, the store is not without its damages. Witnesses say that the flooding really wasn’t too severe, but the damage is irreparable. 

"It’s absolutely mind-boggling how a $30 plastic product from Walmart can have a more profound effect on purifying the body than some of our multi-million dollar machines."

she learned what study abroad really means: embracing and learning from adversity. She gathered up her courage and decided to embrace discomfort.

When he found out his girlfriend lived in New College House, it suddenly felt as through their entire relationship had been put in jeopardy. Yet Rohde, being the optimist that his high school year book superlative said he was, knew he could make the best of the situation. 

“We talk about Smokes, what he’s eating for lunch, mixers, and…Smokes."

Despite disrespecting his home state, community, and immediate family last year by hopping on the Eagles bandwagon, College junior Johnny Sullivan thinks that he can publicize his #PatsNation pride this cycle without anyone calling him out on his bullshit.

“Even though the IFC always suggested a trip to the Penn Museum, for some reason I assumed it wouldn’t be as fun as going to New York or Atlantic City"