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Junior 'Travels the World' by Varying Sleep Schedule

 “By going to bed later and later, I was pretty much just continuously travelling around the world in terms of time zones,” said Park. “Lately, I have been spending a lot of time in Fiji by going to bed at 6am.” 


Email From the Provost: "OMG That Was Your Stuff? Ugh, We Threw That out Woops :P"

So, we got bored and threw away every single possession left in a dorm. What are you gonna do about it? It's not like we were gonna actually make a plan to get it back to you. Idiot. 


Student Builds Medieval Battering Ram to Get His Stuff Back From Penn Housing

“Ha! Those Whartonites can’t say I have a useless major now!” 


Professor Taking Her Class P/F Only Grades 60% of Student Finals

"I have already calculated it, and I do not have to grade all of your exams in order to retain my job as a professor at Penn for the next semester. Actually, I only need to submit precisely 60% of your grades on PenninTouch."


Excerpts From My Quarantine Dream Journal With Zero Context

Why write down real, accurate, historical things that have actually happened when you can record the funny things your brain makes up at night?


Virtual Commencement Concludes With Redirect to Alumni Giving Page

A pop-up message complete with virtual confetti appeared saying, “Congratulations, class of 2020! What better way to celebrate your graduation than to make a gift to The Penn Fund?”


Missouri, State Known for a Bent Piece of Metal and Meth, Sues China for Disruption Due to COVID-19

"The whole world is suffering from this here coronavirus and it’s all China’s fault! It’s only right that they should pay. Ain’t no nobody, state, or country gonna take away my freedom. This is America, damn it! I say sue ‘em!"


After Semester Online, All Penn Students Become Nearsighted

In an official statement, Student Health Services reported that all Penn students have become near-sighted, allergic to brightness, and at least slightly obese after half a year of quarantine.


Penn Promoting Gap Year for International Students "Just so They Know It's There"

Penn, like many other universities, has yet to announce its four-months-away response to the rapidly evolving pandemic with new information daily. Despite this, Penn Dean of Admissions, Eric “swearing at the Eagles” Furda (C '87) sent an email to international students this past week promoting gap year options “just so they know they are there.”


Careful: Penn Mobile to Administer 20,000 Volts to Prefrontal Cortex for Thinking About Going off Meal Plan

Shocking! Students have reported getting zapped for mentally losing focus of the 1920 Commons salad bar and the LCH daily special for just a few seconds.


Student Found Hiding out in Gregory College House!

They wanted to know how he had gotten into the locked building. Evans replied simply, “I never left.”


Anti-Quarantine Protests: Finally, A Social Movement We Can All Get Behind

Some people in various states around the country were like, this quarantine thing sucks. I want to be able to buy grass seed and go to my third home. I miss the everyday freedoms like yelling offensive things at women on the street. And we all get it — every one of us misses those things too.


Oh No! Melanie Failed Her Coronavirus Test

After some sobbing, Melanie announced she had failed her coronavirus test. "I knew it was pass/fail but my advisor told me they never fail anyone, mom!"  


Student Quarantining in Multi-Million Dollar Home “Just Can’t Do It Anymore”

“I’m 100% done with this,” says Genevieve, whose family is in the 1%. 


Black Hole Discovered on Penn Campus: Student Financial Services

The black hole has obtained so much mass that it’s gravitational pull is stronger than ever. This explains Penn’s rising tuition.


Thrilling! You Have Under 60 Minutes to Complete, Check, Scan, Email, Upload, and Submit Midterm

The upcoming midterm will consist of long-form response questions, diagram drawing, and every other question type seemingly handpicked to make your life just a little more inconvenient.


Anti Vaxxers Weigh In: Let’s Throw Measles Back Into the Mix!

But look. I think we can do even better. Why would we stop at one wildly dangerous, devastating illness when we could do more?


'Our Students Are First-Generation, Low-Income, and Obscenely Privileged, Too,' Says Amy Gutmann

We call on the great silent majority, the privileged students of Penn: Be loud. Be proud. Never forget that you, above everyone else, matter.


Uh Oh! TA Now Twitch Streaming Recitations, Wants to Know "What's up, Gamers"

Students from the class were willing to confirm that Owens conveys roughly as much useful information during his Twitch rants on Belle Delphine as he ever did during a regular recitation.  


Poly Sci Professor Once Again Vowing to Release Lectures On-Time Next Week

 The professor will remain anonymous for his own sake, but he knows damn well who he is. 


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