Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

News


OP-ED: My Dad Has a Lawyer, but Not in the Same Way Yours Does

Upon reflection, I am proposing that NONE of us talk about our lawyers, that way nobody feels left out. 


BREAKING: Mini Pret to Be Built in Pret Inside Huntsman Hall

Welcome to the future and Vive la France!


OP-ED: Gays Are in Stem Only Because It’s Like Pills and Potions

I frolic around my lab bench, flirting with other boys and knocking over glassware.


McClelland Bowls Now Just Rice

If students can shut up and enjoy their rice, then Penn Dining might consider adding lettuce again.


Never Panic Again! Students Invest in Diapers Instead of Locating PennCard

You're not you when your bladder's about to burst! Go buy a diaper :)


Cute! Penn Dems to Launch Whimsical "Millenial Pink" Infographics Advocating for War With Russia

Amidst the week’s geopolitical turmoil, a recent Penn Dems communiqué urged members to center policy discussions around what voters really want: triple masking kindergarteners in perpetuity.


My Mom Texts Me “How’s School?” Girl Shut the Fuck Up

"I skipped my morning lecture because I got distracted by my reflection, and then I rolled around on the floor of McClelland for half an hour."


Girl With a Kind Face Starts Charging a Therapist’s Fee for Trauma Dumping

Usually I am told that the reason for this emotional downpour is my kind face. I can’t change this about myself, believe me I’ve tried. So, I’ve devised a solution.


Wharton Student Opens Dictionary To Random Page, Discovers “Middle Class” On Page 453

"Ballpark like … 800k. Y’know, not struggling, but not necessarily raking in the dough.”


Boring! Putin Employs Overdone ‘Will They or Won’t They’ Trope in Ukraine

The truth of the matter is that all of Russia’s best seasons are behind it. Putin can try his best to push the envelope by “violating international law” and “ignoring the national sovereignty of neighboring countries,” but for true fans, all the dynamism of the former Communist bloc is gone. 


BREAKING: People Who Are Trying to Fuck Get Trapped in Elevator

“I thought we would just hook up and then see each other on Tinder for the next few years, maybe run into each other at Commons. I’m not really sure what to say.” 


Philanthropic! Penn Frats to Hold Annual Elephant Walk to Fundraise Local Sanctuary

We salute Penn’s fraternities for their valiant efforts to raise money for such a pressing issue and hope that many follow in their elephant walk footsteps.


Penn to Cease All Classes, Instead Robs Students at Gunpoint for Four Straight Years

Why waste all of the time and money required for things like classes and professors?



Penn Therapy Dog Tired of Your Shit

 “These students think I can’t understand them,” said Fluffy. “But I can understand everything. All the things they tell me, they hurt me. I never knew the world was such a horrible and cruel place. And I don’t understand why I have to bear the psychological burden of the cruel human world. Now I can never sleep at night.” 


Extremist Group You Don’t Care About Does Something You Don’t Understand in Country You Haven’t Heard Of

The extremist group has appeared on your Facebook feed many times in the past—you always respond to those posts with a “sad face” emoji.


Feeling Generous This V-Day Season? Consider Purchasing Roses to Help Local Sorority Sisters Go to Vegas

Anything helps and it only takes a second of your time. Be charitable this holiday season and change a young girl's life. 


Campus in Agreement: Shameless Plug Actually Pretty Shameful

To calm the concerns of the Penn community and pat down controversy caused by his “shameless plug,” Cox reminds everyone that the proceeds of his club’s fundraiser will go to the Trump 2024 campaign.


Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann: This Is an Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann

Very Important Announcement From President Amy Gutmann Very Very Important Look Here Read Now Today Read


Beloved Math 104 Professor Robert Ghrist Unveils New NSFW YouTube Channel

Though his instruction is clear, most of prof/g’s success can be attributed to something far more crude: his god-given voice. 


PennConnects