OP-ED: Here’s How Tulsi Can Still Win
Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.
Opinion
OP-ED: It's Insensitive To Call It A "Good" Friday
Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.
OP-ED: Here’s How Tulsi Can Still Win
Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.
Oh No, Teacher Trying to Draw With Trackpad on Virtual Whiteboard
The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.
OP-ED: It's Insensitive To Call It A "Good" Friday
Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.
OP-ED: I Had Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease During the 2019 Football Outbreak. Here's Why Last Semester Should Be P/F Too
Luckily, I recovered from hand, foot, and mouth disease — but my GPA never will.
OP-ED: I Shaved a Slit in My Eyebrow Because I’m Doing Super Great and Feeling Super Awesome
This was not a desperate attempt at control — it was just a simple aesthetic choice.
Op-Ed: I Don’t Need to Know What a Flat White Is to Order It Exclusively
Listen, I know there’s coffee in it. I know that there’s something else because it’s not just regular coffee. I don’t know how it’s different from a cappuccino or why it seems to cost more. Do I need to know these things to order it everywhere I go? No!
5 Ways to Cope with Whatever the Fuck This Is
5. Playing Monopoly with your family. For those of you who have a family, it might help your mood to dip your toes in our upcoming anarcho-capitalist dystopia by playing some friendly matches of the board game.
Five Hilarious Zoom Backgrounds That Will Get the Whole Squad Laughing
No flippin’ way, man… NO FLIPPIN’ WAY! ARE YOU IN FLIPPIN' SAN FRANCISCO RIGHT NOW?? Is that… IS THAT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???
OP-ED: I Want to Receive Shiny Smiley Face Stickers on My Transcript Instead of Grades
Although graduate programs may be confused as to how to interpret the stickers, I think they’ll quickly learn that anything holographic is innately superior to any sticker that has a flaccid, one-dimensional color scheme.
Wait, Where Did Everyone Go? Asks Secluded Engineering Student
There were empty boxes — empty boxes everywhere. Someone really went to town on Amazon Prime, I thought.
Penn Should Implement Universal Fail. Here’s Why.
A universal fail policy would ensure that no student will be forced to pass their classes, no matter their circumstances at home.
OP-ED: Please Help I’m Addicted to Stream of Consciousness Writing Oh My God Oh My Lord This Is Beyond Awful
i swear i read james joyce one time just one time and this what i get how preposterous ludicrous wow this sucks but i keep coming back for more for more for more okay i must admit this is actually pretty liberating
OP-ED: The Airpods Stay In During Sex
These are AirPods pro. They have noise-canceling capabilities, so I can pleasure you without distraction and listen to my Gary V. podcast at the same time.
Shit Hurts So Bad Just Want Her [Bobby’s Burger Palace] Back
The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.
Anyone Feel Like Sexting?
So, how about some sexting, eh? To pass the time? To make the most of a dire situation?
QUIZ: What "Special Skill" Should You Get in You Quarantine Free Time?
What's that? You've been doing nothing except Netflix and Social Distance? It's time to change all that and make the most of this difficult time. Take this quiz to see which special skill you should acquire during your time in quarantine!
OP-ED: Instead of Helping FGLI Kids, Penn Should Support MGHI (Many Generations, High Income) Students
MGHI students will face a unique set of severe problems that the administration has overlooked.
Bruh Moment: I Cannot Stop Saying Bruh
Now, I can’t properly react to anything anyone ever tells me. The best I can offer is “bruh."
Letter from the Editor: We’re Still Here, Fuckers
See you all in quarantine!
Fuck......................
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck!!!
