This was not a desperate attempt at control — it was just a simple aesthetic choice.

Listen, I know there’s coffee in it. I know that there’s something else because it’s not just regular coffee. I don’t know how it’s different from a cappuccino or why it seems to cost more. Do I need to know these things to order it everywhere I go? No!

5. Playing Monopoly with your family. For those of you who have a family, it might help your mood to dip your toes in our upcoming anarcho-capitalist dystopia by playing some friendly matches of the board game. 

No flippin’ way, man… NO FLIPPIN’ WAY! ARE YOU IN FLIPPIN' SAN FRANCISCO RIGHT NOW?? Is that… IS THAT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???

Although graduate programs may be confused as to how to interpret the stickers, I think they’ll quickly learn that anything holographic is innately superior to any sticker that has a flaccid, one-dimensional color scheme.

There were empty boxes — empty boxes everywhere. Someone really went to town on Amazon Prime, I thought.

A universal fail policy would ensure that no student will be forced to pass their classes, no matter their circumstances at home.

i swear i read james joyce one time just one time and this what i get how preposterous ludicrous wow this sucks but i keep coming back for more for more for more okay i must admit this is actually pretty liberating

These are AirPods pro. They have noise-canceling capabilities, so I can pleasure you without distraction and listen to my Gary V. podcast at the same time. 

The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.

So, how about some sexting, eh? To pass the time? To make the most of a dire situation?

What's that? You've been doing nothing except Netflix and Social Distance? It's time to change all that and make the most of this difficult time. Take this quiz to see which special skill you should acquire during your time in quarantine!

MGHI students will face a unique set of severe problems that the administration has overlooked. 

Now, I can’t properly react to anything anyone ever tells me. The best I can offer is “bruh."

See you all in quarantine!

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck!!!

Just because you have a ban on food does NOT mean my cake shouldn’t be allowed in Fisher.

This time we’ll be sending a message. I’m not sure about what, but I have a few hours to come up with one. Maybe we’ll convince Amy Gutmann to pay the workers a minimum wage or something, I dunno.

Everyone thinks my arrogant persona indicates that I’m compensating for something, and they’re right. But that is exactly why Penn needs to allow concealed carry on campus. 

Additionally, since shuttles increase the congestion on Market Street and cause traffic jams, providing a private helicopter service would be just as, if not more, environmentally friendly than a shuttle. Finally, shuttles are simply uncool, and typically have bullies sitting in the back.