OP-ED: I Exclusively Use My Carrel in VP to Film Softcore Porn
It’s tasteful — the human body is a beautiful thing. This carrel is my studio; it is my blank canvas for sensuality. This is the art form that will launch me to stardom.
Opinion
Don’t Want To Be A Soldier? No Worries! Here’s a Guide to Self-Injury
While my haters may say making jokes about World War III is disrespectful, I’m here to say that this is no joke. As someone who has dodged the draft over 12 times and disrespects the troops at every possible waking moment, this is made in pure earnest in order to help my fellow countrymen disavow their own personal and local military industrial complex.
OP-ED: I Exclusively Use My Carrel in VP to Film Softcore Porn
It’s tasteful — the human body is a beautiful thing. This carrel is my studio; it is my blank canvas for sensuality. This is the art form that will launch me to stardom.
Patrick's Conversation Tips
Hi, my name is Patrick. I've overheard thousands of conversations and have been included in 3 or 4. If you're not a gifted conversationalist like me, you might be wondering, "how do I do these dang things?" But don't worry pal, I'm here for you. Here are some helpful tips that can get you started.
Don’t Want To Be A Soldier? No Worries! Here’s a Guide to Self-Injury
While my haters may say making jokes about World War III is disrespectful, I’m here to say that this is no joke. As someone who has dodged the draft over 12 times and disrespects the troops at every possible waking moment, this is made in pure earnest in order to help my fellow countrymen disavow their own personal and local military industrial complex.
Dear Professor: I Am But a Poor Orphan Boy. Pathetic Human Garbage. For the Love of God. Let Me Into This Recitation.
I clambered into this world a cold, disgusting little worm man. Even the mound of garbage from which I was created could not bare to house me. And so, like the near-sighted, mud-dwelling mole that I am, I gnarled my way through the heap and into the blinding sun.
Guest Column by Nation’s Jewish Mothers | My Kid Should Be on SNL
Last night at dinner, I was having my son Daniel reenact bits by my favorite stand-up comedians, and let me tell you: he was a riot. He performs them perfectly, just like Jerry Seinfeld. Daniel's grandmother and I could not stop laughing!
OP-ED: Here’s Why I Need All 64 Outlets At This Airport Gate
Oh you want to know if I’ll give up any of the outlets I’m occupying? Well gosh, let me think about that. I certainly can’t unplug my space heater or my portable air conditioning, lest my body temperature stray from this equilibrium. I guess I could give up the plug for my massage chair, but it’s just not that comfortable when it’s just sitting in one place.
OP-ED: Derek, I Know You're Reading This. Call Me Back.
Of course I resorted to this. I have everyone at The Daily Pennsylvanian as we speak, and I don't plan to let them go anytime soon.
Oh No: Grandma Wants to Know Why Your Phone Alarm Goes Off at 9 P.M. Every Night
There’s a couple of potential answers to her inquiries. You could definitely lie and say you usually take a power nap at 8:35 PM while studying for finals, and you just forgot to turn the alarm off.
Oh Fuck: Kitchen Steam Headed Straight for Fucking Smoke Detector Fuckfuckfuckfuck
Wait, hold up. No way. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Smoke? I just wanted to fry up a late-night dish, and this is what I get? Oh shit oh fuck that’s a lot of steam
Letter from the Editor: I'm Sorry I Can't Be Him
It’s come to my attention that I’ll never be an antique bison. Try as I might, I am only a twenty-fifth of it’s size, far less stately than I once had hoped.
OP-ED: Shut the Fuck Up
Listen, buddy, whatever you’re blabbering on about right now, I don’t want to hear about it. You could literally be telling me that the final for my Art History class has been canceled and I couldn't care less! You know why? Cuz you, and that mouth of yours, have been getting on my nerves lately.
While the World Is Literally Burning, Thank You NYT for the Five New Paella Recipes
Yeah yeah, Trump did call the Prime Minister of Italy ‘Giuseppe Spaghetti’ today, but I’m blissfully distracted by these delicious new paella recipes.
There’s No Need To Lock Up The Lab’s Drugs, Says Guy Who’s Definitely Not Stealing The Lab’s Drugs
Again, we should definitely keep the coke cabinet unlocked. It’s just logical.
Three Things You Can Do Instead of Greek Life
You don’t need parties to have fun. For example, one great way to pass the time is to watch paint dry.
OP-ED: Can We Fix Democracy Somewhere Besides Perry World House?
We can hardly fix these problems in the U.N., but for some reason, at 5 P.M. on Tuesday, I have to pack my stuff up so you can try to fix it in a literal house. It just seems personal.
OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late, but Hey I Brought a Small Sandwich Just for Me
Sorry to anyone who doesn't enjoy the smell of chipotle mayo.
Just Because Your Dick Itches Doesn't Mean You Can Adjust in Lecture, Jeremy
It’s just that when you’re tugging at your meat clappers right in front of me, I can’t help but feel 1) slightly uncomfortable and 2) slightly disgusted. And Lord knows, I am not the only one in that lecture who has noticed.
OP-ED: If You Have Your ExtraCare Card, Please Scan It Now
Swipe or insert card and follow instructions on pinpad.
OP-ED: Forget Princeton, Gimme a Duck Fartmouth Shirt
Why was our rival selected without the letter swapping motif in mind in the first place?
OP-ED: Hey, Can You Crack My Back?
ow we can get back to the marketing project. Except, I have knots. Horrible, horrible knots. Honestly, they’re the worst knots I’ve ever had, and I bet you’ve never seen knots worse than mine. If you could just take your elbow and jam it into my shoulder, I’d owe you big time.
