One of the brains behind the self-checkout cafe in the basement of Van Pelt library will soon advise on some of the most pressing geopolitical matters. 

“Sure, Harnwell was a pretty decent place to live, but in comparison to NCHW, it’s like I was living in Guantanamo Bay.”

 “Oh no, not this cunt again.” 

I was already so trashed at that point.

After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians.

Poopy Doopy, reveal yourself before you run out of poop. We will embrace you with open arms and open bowels. 

While conducting refinancing amidst the plague, the royal court administrators hath decided to sell the majority of the institution to Charles I, king of England and, now, his lordship of the University of Pennsylvania. 

Think logically about it: What do you even use a tote bag for? Holding groceries? Carrying heavy books? See, it’s practically useless — not to mention mundane as all hell.

“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”

"I guess we just thought that, since we do lines all the time, it would be pretty simple for all of the attendees to do them too." | Megan Striff-Cave

One student expressed anger at the new reality of having to “actually learn shit,” an experience she felt was best relegated to the past. 

After two “pretty sub-par” years, Cooper has decided to go back to the root of her high expectations: the Thriving at Penn Canvas modules. 

Alright… maybe our friendship isn’t perfect, but at least I’m not my roommate. She’s best friends with the bot that sends AI pictures of feet. 

Held from 8:30-10:00 pm on the first Friday Night of NSO, this mandatory event is going to be a crowd favorite.

I know UTB is a joke publication but I don’t know what else to do. I have nowhere else to put these thoughts and feelings.

A few songs in, the whole car was really jamming. Then... it happened. Track 5 was Uptown Girl, Dad's favorite song on the CD. Boy, did he let it rip.

The study looked at statistics such as the percentage of participants whose camera is on, daily time spent on work/school, skills acquired, and overall participant enjoyment to inform the educated and mathematical assessment.

Take this quiz to see how much of school you've retained this summer.

"It's not like I was planning on going to the beach or anything because of COVID, but I'm also not one to sit around. I get restless and always need to be actively doing something, so I figured I get a head start on sculpting my post-Thanksgiving figure." 

I’m gonna ruin your life, motherfucker.