OP-ED: They Should Replace Amy Gutmann With a White Guy
The Girlbosses have taken it too far. We need an intervention.
Most Recent
Facing Pressure from Divestment Activists, Penn Unveils Second Climate Week
It's no divesting from fossil fuels, but it's a pretty close second.
OP-ED: We Need a Moratorium on the Word “Neoliberal” Until I Figure Out What it Means
Maybe through defining that which isn’t neoliberal I can escape this mental prison.
Castle Brother Found Innocent by Jury of Other Castle Brothers
A carefully selected jury of the assailant's peers (bros) gathered around a courtroom (castle basement) to perform an objective and unbiased analysis of the night's events.
OP-ED: Frats Suck — Not Your Frat Though, Haha Noooo, You Guys Are Fine
Megan Striff-Cave
Monday, Sept. 27, 2021Mon, Sep 27, 2021
Yeah lol, all that stuff I was saying about frat bros employing violence as a mechanism to assert masculinity obviously doesn’t apply to your frat since your members happen to be my friends. Haha dw, you guys are chill.
Here’s Why I Endorsed My Pledgemaster for Management on LinkedIn
Needless to say, I was proper pledged and mastered.
Aw Shucks! Girl Next to You in Lecture Browsing Penn InTouch
She is free and you are not. What are you going to do?
REPORT: Kelly Writers' House Found to Be Even More Erotic Than Berlin Sex Clubs
Recent groundbreaking ethnographic research conducted by the Ginsburg Institute for the Amorous and Desirable has shown that the Kelly Writers’ House exudes more eroticism and sensuality than Berlin’s hottest sex clubs.
I Don't Have Poor Connection, My Phone is Just Sweaty
Juulius Caesar
Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2021Wed, Sep 22, 2021
What? What was that? Oh yeah, sorry. No, the service here is fine.
Op-Ed: &pizza is a Male-Dominated Space
Ashna Yakoob
Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2021Wed, Sep 22, 2021
Enough is enough. I think it’s finally time to address the gender relations within the setting society refers to as “&pizza.”
FUCK! Not Again! I Dropped Another Fully-Cooked Lasagna Behind the Fridge
Why is there a massive gap between the refrigerator and the back wall that is the perfect size of a lasagna?
PSA: Don't Leave Your Bag Unattended. I'm Rifling Through it Right Now.
I’m just an everyday guy trying to promote theft awareness on campus.
Queer King: My Roommate Just Came Out as 'Sapiosexual'
Juulius Caesar
Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2021Tue, Sep 21, 2021
Be sure to wish Cam a hearty congratulations for being queer AF!
Whimsical Girls Will Now Be Administered Mood Stabilizers To Enter Kelly Writers House
This CDC-approved and, in the words of Fauci himself, “awesome” drug is used to soothe the idiosyncratic and manic tendencies of girls whose behavior worsens in creative spaces like the Kelly Writers House.
Engineer Uses 4-in-1 Wash Every 1-in-4 Days
“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”
Op-Ed: I’m Not Manspreading, I Shit Myself
Juulius Caesar
Sunday, Sept. 19, 2021Sun, Sep 19, 2021
I have often been accused of manspreading, but as a person who is plagued with anxiety and is barely confident enough to go grocery shopping without a friend, I can assure you this is not my goal.
REPORT: Wilcaf Nepotism Responsible for Rising Student Unemployment Rate
UTB Staff
Sunday, Sept. 19, 2021Sun, Sep 19, 2021
Is this the end for meritocracy?
Student Awakes from “Quick 20-minute Nap” In Time to Witness Heat Death of Universe
“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.”
Fact Check: Justin Bieber Was Not Made in America
Spending hundreds of dollars to see American-made pop stars and being duped into seeing a maple syrup manufacturer’s spawn — absurd
