There's still time to string together the one thing that Dad has been hoping for: that idealized fantasy picnic shown during the side effects of every medication ad. 

I know you wanted to go all out for Father's Day, but sometimes you're lazy, broke, or both. What to do? Time to whip out an old reliable: Breakfast in Bed. 

Is Bo Burnham God’s gift to comedy? According to Jacob from your writing seminar, that answer is a resounding “yes”.

According to sources deep within Penn's administration, Wharton intends to use the funds to acquire Baltic Avenue for their new hotel project.

Golding was pleased with her magnum opus for about 10 months before her pride turned to indifference, dislike, disgust, then finally repulsion.

At Penn, Liang is a biannually participating member of Penn Outdoors and a thrice-rejected submitter to Penn Review. He got cut from both ZBT and Phi after two rounds of open rush.

this is so ducking annoying why won’t it say duck duck duck fuck got it

You’re horny. Cousin Addie’s horny. Are you two going to help each other out? 

Oink oink, you fat little Porker! Why does little Porker eat so many Oat and leave so few? 

If you scream when the guard opens your butt, you will be permanently banned from the library. 

Drop all your activities. Read The Bible. Download Tinder. Marry Sarwar Shah from the 40th St Halal Truck. Busy yourself with domestic work. 

The Penn Glee Club made history by integrating women and dancers and the frat brothers that sell you weed and Poles and do-gooders and freshmen that got fucked over in housing selection and God-fearers and more God-fearers and the people that are most likely to have weapons on campus and soon-to-be unemployed students and fat skanks into their historically TTBB choir. 

 "I hate you!" is the perfect phrase to yell at your parents as you beg them to love you and give you everything you ask for.

You loved him. He averaged around 50 hours before he texted you back each time. You did not once experience orgasm during sex with him. What a king!

We promise "Skabort" will be a crowd favorite at your next orgy.

She lamented her harrowing life as a young white girl. 

At this point, Lopez requested a nicotine break. 

In addition to the rebrand of their store name, they will be offering complimentary hits of poppers to all customers, expanding their jockstrap collection, and offering discounts on ketamine after your tenth purchase.

They are, in essence, pigs rolling around in a trough.