Op–Ed: Wanna See My Bruises?
I was already so trashed at that point.
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Prankster "Poopy Doopy" is Supersaturating New College House with Poop
Poopy Doopy, reveal yourself before you run out of poop. We will embrace you with open arms and open bowels.
Op–Ed: Wanna See My Bruises?
I was already so trashed at that point.
Five Guys Replacing Beijing Is Just Modern Day Colonialism
After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians.
Prankster "Poopy Doopy" is Supersaturating New College House with Poop
Poopy Doopy, reveal yourself before you run out of poop. We will embrace you with open arms and open bowels.
1920 Commons to be Renamed 1620 Lords
While conducting refinancing amidst the plague, the royal court administrators hath decided to sell the majority of the institution to Charles I, king of England and, now, his lordship of the University of Pennsylvania.
Dear Penn: Stop Giving Us Tote Bags and Start Giving Us USB Type-A to Mini-B Cables
Think logically about it: What do you even use a tote bag for? Holding groceries? Carrying heavy books? See, it’s practically useless — not to mention mundane as all hell.
Architect Who Worked on High Rises Honestly Shocked They're All Still Standing
“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”
Pool Party Hosts Confused Why Everyone Can’t Do Lines Like Them
"I guess we just thought that, since we do lines all the time, it would be pretty simple for all of the attendees to do them too." | Megan Striff-Cave
Anticipation Turns to Anger as Students Realize In-Person Learning Actually “Worse”
One student expressed anger at the new reality of having to “actually learn shit,” an experience she felt was best relegated to the past.
Junior Revisits Thriving At Penn Modules to Figure out Where It All Went Wrong
After two “pretty sub-par” years, Cooper has decided to go back to the root of her high expectations: the Thriving at Penn Canvas modules.
Coming Clean! Two-Step Verification Is My Best (And Only) Friend
Alright… maybe our friendship isn’t perfect, but at least I’m not my roommate. She’s best friends with the bot that sends AI pictures of feet.
Cool! Second Year Orientation Just Safe Sex Puppet Show
Held from 8:30-10:00 pm on the first Friday Night of NSO, this mandatory event is going to be a crowd favorite.
Help me! I am Addicted to Picklebacks
I know UTB is a joke publication but I don’t know what else to do. I have nowhere else to put these thoughts and feelings.
Alarming! Mom and Dad Really Belt Billy Joel During Family Road Trip
A few songs in, the whole car was really jamming. Then... it happened. Track 5 was Uptown Girl, Dad's favorite song on the CD. Boy, did he let it rip.
Wow! Virtual Internship Just as Helpful as Virtual School
The study looked at statistics such as the percentage of participants whose camera is on, daily time spent on work/school, skills acquired, and overall participant enjoyment to inform the educated and mathematical assessment.
QUIZ: How Bad Is Your Summer Slide?
Alicia Lopez
Friday, Aug. 6, 2021Fri, Aug 6, 2021
Take this quiz to see how much of school you've retained this summer.
Student Skips Summer Bod, Goes Straight to Winter Bod
"It's not like I was planning on going to the beach or anything because of COVID, but I'm also not one to sit around. I get restless and always need to be actively doing something, so I figured I get a head start on sculpting my post-Thanksgiving figure."
Open Letter to My Sister Who Played the Piano When I Was Napping
"I AM SLEEPING! COULD YOU PLEASE NOT PLAY THE PIANO WHEN I AM SLEEPING?!"
Guy With "Don’t Tread on Me" Flag Basically Begging to be Tread on
Goddamn, your flag really makes me want to tread on you.
Elvira, "Mistress of the Dark," Named as New President of University of Pennsylvania
While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.
