Uh-Oh! Flooding in Germany Suddenly Gutmann’s Problem
Despite the flooding tragedy, Gutmann is ready to hit the ground running—or swimming—and solve some problems.
Most Recent
"No, SWIRL Cone Please." "For the Last Time Ma’am, We Are Out of Chocolate Ice Cream"
"Hello, welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?" Those sacred words made my heart leap. I had been waiting for them all day.
Wharton Student Qualifies for Olympic Track and Field After Impressive Netflix Marathon
Wharton student, Anthony Quill '22, has recently qualified for Olympic track and field after an impressive Netflix marathon time of 4 days, 6 hours, 23 minutes, and 44 seconds.
Six Hobbies for Gay People to Try Now that Pride Month is Over
It might be worthwhile to take up some hobbies while you wait for the limelight again.
UPenn Bottoms Protest White Dog’s Bottomless Brunch
Bloody assholes deserve bloody Mary’s.
BREAKING: I Didn't Ask For This Life
Listen. I'm sure there's news today. But I don't get paid to write here, and honestly, I'm getting sick of everyone always asking me to report on things that I don't care about.
Hey Everyone, Is It Too Late to Get a Summer Internship?
So far, I haven't seen any job openings I liked since I started my search 15 minutes ago, but I'm sure something will turn up...
Op-Ed: I Write for UTB, Now Give Me Twitter Clout
Yeah, I’ve been told I should do standup comedy, but tweeting nonsequiturs on the internet under the moniker “jasonson” is so much more fun, and the likes give me instant gratification.
Analytical King! Craig Marked Growth of Penis on Family’s Living Room Door Frame
Measure all you want, but a small penis is a small penis.
Tragic! Area Woman Dies After 10-Minute Male Attention Withdrawal
She proceeded to listen to Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean three times. Within 10 minutes, she upped and died.
The United States of Under the Button Declares Independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian
Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware!
Little Timmy Claims “Freedom of the Pursuit of Happiness,” Avoids Cleaning Room
"I'm not a hero. I'm just a kid looking to defend my freedoms. My mom said I had to clean my room, but Thomas Jefferson said I didn't have to."
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Breaking: Gutmann Sets Sights on Gentrifying Germany Next
After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.
Going Out With A Bang! Gutmann Sells Stouffer College House To Old Wizard For Seven Rubles
Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.
Branding Shift! New Penn Bookstore Promotion Advertises 2-For-1 Colostomy Bag Deal
So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.
Lonely Teen Finds Cool New Summer Friend: Mom
For one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool new friend: Mom.
Fighting Couple Amends Sign “I Love You to the Moon and Back” to “I Love You to at Least the Grocery Store”
"Sue, I do not love you to the moon and back. Do you know how far that is?! Do you know how long that would take to travel?"
