OP-ED: Hey, You’re Pretty Hot - Do You Want to Share This Table in United by Blue Together?
I hope there’s a table free - need to have some sense of solitude while I simultaneously work and sip on my thirteen (13) dollar coffee-adjacent drink.
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UTB Endorses Xi Jinping for Reelection as Chairman at 2022 National Congress of Chinese Politburo
The renewal of Xi’s term as Chairman is the only realistic way to realize the Great Renaissance of the Chinese Nation.
OP-ED: Hey, You’re Pretty Hot - Do You Want to Share This Table in United by Blue Together?
I hope there’s a table free - need to have some sense of solitude while I simultaneously work and sip on my thirteen (13) dollar coffee-adjacent drink.
Op-Ed: How Do I Unsubscribe From the Listserv of the Philomathean Society?
In the emails, they kept talking about “admission” into the “society.” As far as I’m concerned, we all already live in a society. I had no idea that you had to go through interview processes to be in society now. A bit ludicrous.
UTB Endorses Xi Jinping for Reelection as Chairman at 2022 National Congress of Chinese Politburo
The renewal of Xi’s term as Chairman is the only realistic way to realize the Great Renaissance of the Chinese Nation.
BREAKING! Wharton to Require Mandatory Nepotism Training
Wharton’s nepotism training program will be a rigorous course, including sections such as how to pick which family friend in the top 1% wealth bracket to get your letter of recommendation from and how to casually mention in interviews that you vacation in the Hamptons every summer.
We Counted: Seven (7) Penn Students Have Green Passes
This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes.
Get Over Yourself: Student Really Using Umbrella in Scanty Drizzle
Eyewitnesses say that there was no way, given the minimal amount of moisture in the atmosphere, that he actually needed to parade his umbrella around for the world to see.
Six Outfits Warm Enough for Fall but Slutty Enough to Black Out In
Mary Grace Meredith
Tuesday, Oct. 19, 2021Tue, Oct 19, 2021
How Woke! This Classics Major ISN’T a Fascist
Juulius Caesar
Tuesday, Oct. 19, 2021Tue, Oct 19, 2021
As the only non-fascist in the classics department, Ben Sherman (C ‘23) is used to being discriminated against.
Girl With 5 Hour Daily Screen Time Simply Does Not Have Time To Read Class Material
"I don’t know how I can be expected to read all of that material when I also have to dedicate at least five hours a day to mindlessly scrolling through my phone.”
Postmodern Condition: I Keep Showing Up to Class Even Though it’s Fucking Boring
Society has truly robbed us of the simple pleasures in life.
BREAKING! Toys R Us to Rebrand to Women B Shopping.
Women Do B Shopping Sometimes.
OP-ED: Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Trying to See What You're Writing on iMessage
Yeah… just tilt your screen down a little bit more… sweet Jebediah, that’s the ticket.
Oh Wow! Question Somehow Manages to Fall Below “No Stupid Questions” Threshold
“If I’d known that I had such dipshits in my class, I would’ve blocked off questioning entirely.”
SHOCKING: Students Question Reality as Campus Wi-Fi Functions for 5 Consecutive Minutes
We recognize that this may be the last UTB article you ever read, and we ever write; in that spirit, remember, as you are consumed by the void, that life was always meaningless.
'Good Work, Team' Says Guy in Your Recitation Who Ignored All Your Suggestions
What he lacks in experience, competence, and general knowledge from the reading and/or lecture, Josh more than makes up for in confidence.
Op-Ed: Front Row Texters Should Be Compensated as Honorary Lecturers
Perhaps with incentive, they could teach professors to intentionally reveal their Grindr histories and takeout orders while lecturing about far less riveting topics like Oscar Wilde.
BREAKING Report: Huntsman Building Was Shaped to Reinforce Penn’s Phallocentrism
The debate is fierce ... the question is, what would you do?
New Waste Reduction Initiative Requires Students to Eat Out of Dining Hall Workers’ Cupped Hands
The sustainability team also encourages sucking their fingers clean in order to get every last tasty drop.
If Wharton Students Are Competent, Why Do They Have Seating Charts?
Wharton has actually seen such success with their seating charts that they are publishing some new classroom policies. In Wharton classes, you now have to raise your hand when you want to use the bathroom and at the end of the semester if you get good grades you can go to the scholastic book fair.
Local White Kid Confused After Not Being Given ‘Priority Access’ to Club Applications
If you can support in any way, he'll take donations by check.
