Disappointing! Student With Four Papers to Write Actually Illiterate
"I was looking at the Canvas site to read the prompt and it was like all the words had been replaced by these weird little sqiggles," recounts Goldman.
Most Recent
New $200m Quad Renovation Will Make Buildings More Livable for Squirrels
For some time it has been clear squirrels living in the Quad were getting a raw deal versus their brethren in the fit-for-a-giant-squirrel Lauder College House or even Hill.
Campus Compact Misunderstanding? Frat Compacts Over 400 People from Campus Into House Party
As a result, last weekend the brothers of DUM were able to compact over 400 students from the Penn campus into their fraternity house.
Innovative! Meet the Management and CIS Students Launching the "Uber" for Indentured Servitude
He later gave an artful account of how the Serv algorithm maximizes productivity while crushing workers’ spirit.
OP-ED: Penn Board of Trustees Votes to Begin Annual Child Sacrifices to Welcome the Harvest, and I FW It.
I know what you’re all thinking: Aren’t there so many better reasons to sacrifice children than to welcome the harvest? The answer is no, there isn’t.
Let’s Abolish the Pipeline from NASCAR to Penn Transit
When Jerry swerves and hits that sharp right turn, my heart drops to my ass, and suddenly I’m a devout Christian.
Modern Day Gatsby? Open Tabs in Zoom Screenshare Clearly Curated for Single Student
Josiah Gordon declined our request for comment. He was last seen walking circles forlornly around the Bio Pond.
Report: Personal Meeting Rooms Essentially the Same as Third Base
“The atmosphere, intimacy, and sexual tension of a Personal Meeting Room all work in tandem to create a unique bond between both parties,” Professor Judith Stout explained to our reporter. “It’s honestly… kind of filthy.”
Religious Studies Professor Holds Smoke Sesh During Office Hours
"Mandatory office hours sounds like a drag, but my students have a blast. Literally.”
McDonald's Flag is Always at Half Mast Because They Don't Have Anyone Tall Enough To Put It at Full
None of their employees are tall enough to put the flag at full mast. That pole is like 20ft tall.
Quiz: Is the Pottruck Opening a Good Idea?
Is your common sense better than the Penn administration? Are you also ready to infect more students just for a little more money?
Fossil Free Penn Announces That Oil Rigs Actually Kind of Gnarly When You Think About It
"These big drills, right, they just go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”
Sup Bro: Do You Mind Proofreading My Essay?
Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.
Let’s Make One Thing Clear: Girls Like Bad Boys, And Bad Boys Break the Campus Compact
The nice guy cares about the community and others, and is a lame-ass little bitch. What girls want is big parties and casual hook up sessions, not Zoom dates with the Green Pass guy.
Meet the Student Responsible for 127 of Penn's 250 Campus Violations
Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.
Hate Crime Club Rebrands as Anti-Crime Club to Avoid Confusion
The branded white hats the club ordered will also have to be returned.
You Know Hemo’s Food Truck? You Were Right, Hemo Is Short for Hemorrhoids
We’ve all been there - 2AM on a Thursday night, one failed booty call away from dropping out and becoming a full time incel when we open our fridge and find our tub of Hemo sauce, glowing in the midst of so much darkness.
Ethics Professor Really Reaching to Justify Suspiciously Personal Scenario
u201cNow, letu2019s assume that Maria were to, say, offer a student extra credit in exchange for cocaine. My question is: would this be ethical? And if so, why?u201d
Penn Sophomore Experience: Tied Up at the Bottom of NCH West, Eating Dog Shit
But at the end of the day, it’s an experience like no other, meant to bring you closer to your classmates. That is, if they are able to survive...
