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Coming Soon: OrPizza, NorPizza, XorPizza, NotPizza

u00a0Thus, the Law of Total Probability is satisfied. u00a0

UTB Writer's Grandma Confident He'll Hit His Stride if Given Time

Evan has struggled to make the leap from cracking jokes at family dinners or retweeting funnier people to cranking out solid satire twice a week but his grandma was quick to point out that he was also slow to learn the alphabet.

CAN’T FOCUS IN ZOOM LECTURES? TRY COCAINE!

 Every time you look into the screen, do you just see a void of letters and numbers and symbols that don’t mean anything as they dance around the screen like monkeys bouncing off the walls after having too many bananas dipped in concentrated Monster Energy drink? 

It Just Looks Sooo Yummy! Freshman Makes It Big Food-Blogging 1920 Commons

The establishment is rapidly gaining prominence nationally and internationally, and is expecting to be awarded the third, coveted Michelin Star later this week.

UTB Enjoys Their Spring Stay

UTB kicks it back and makes the most of their spring stay!

UTB Extends Their Spring Stay (with DMT!)

Intro to Marketing Professor Calls for All Essays to be Written in Clickbait Format AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

"Stuart March (C’23) discovered how to achieve incredible results in the class with one simple trick and posted a picture of the email to Reddit with the title 'This is the LAST marketing class you’ll EVER need.'"

BREAKING: A New Annotation Has Been Added to Your Canvas Submission

That night, everything becomes clear under the ruthless moonlight. A new annotation has indeed been added to your canvas submission. MATH114 TA Bob Greisch has assessed your quiz and annotated: “None of these steps really help you get towards upper triangular.”

Annenberg Study Finds That Everyone Just Needs to Chill Out a Bit

“What we did was have our trained research fellows go out and observe people. They would look and see if people were like kinda chill and just vibing or if they were totally nutty and psycho,” Dubois said.

Freshman Being Bullied in Sorority Groupchat Happy to Have Finally Found Her Sisters

I’ll have another chemistry midterm, but the approval of a top tier frat can’t be regained once it’s gone.

What the Hell? Someone On Floor Cooking Steak au Poivre Again

What is that succulent scent wafting through the hallowed halls of Harnwell? God damn it. Is that steak au poivre?

Good Vibes 20% Effective Against UK Variant

The study survey created to code and quantify the good vibes variable among students showed a strong relationship between getting covid and feeling bad.

COVID-19 Slay! Couples Share Saliva Vial to Save Time Getting Tested

 Due to these new testing protocols, there has been an increase in elaborate kissing outside of testing centers.  

Freak Freshman Is "Fired up and Ready to Go" After Fully Recharging in Two-Day Spring Stay

 “Wednesday. Thursday. Two full days off— just amazing really,” Chapman said. 

Student Who Hasn’t Eaten in 30 Minutes Hands Back Jolly Rancher Blue Spit Test

Jacob doesn’t even eat Jolly Ranchers. “I mean, don’t look in the cabinet, but if you do, the big bag of them in the kitchen belongs to my roommate.” 

OP-ED: Penn Greek Life Spreading COVID-19 Is Dismissive Towards Those in the Philadelphia Community That Failed To Get Bids

“It’s disrespectful towards those in the Philadelphia community who have always been hospitable towards these kids and literally can’t even get into an invite-only rush event. It’s bullshit.”

Ego of the Weak: Under the Button

UTB: It feels amazing knowing that we’re the sole source of news on this campus.