Girl Who Hates Her Birthday Makes Big Deal About Birthday
I am a cool, chill girl who just doesn’t care about my birthday.
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Penn to Introduce PennOpen Pass+ For High-Paying Red Passes
For $50 a week, students with red Passes can go wherever they want: dining halls, other college houses, Center City — you name it.
Guy Who Played Penn Masala Song During Make Out Session Not Even in Penn Masala
At one point, the guy stopped his motion and whispered into the air: “Alexa, play Musafir by Penn Masala.”
Wellness Win! University Administration Claims We've Gotten Days off School
Claudia Hogan
Monday, March 1, 2021Mon, Mar 1, 2021
Students everywhere rejoiced as they realized that in addition to not having any classes that meet on Fridays, they have also been given most Fridays off.
OP-ED: COVID-19 Sucks, But Old People Suck More
I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly.
Exclusive Hot Bitch Location: The High Rise Stairwells
Want to look like the most exclusive, hottest bitches in Philadelphia? UTB did all the hard work for you and found out where they all like to hang out.
BREAKING: If Wendell Pritchett Sees His Shadow, We Get Vaccines Before May
Last year, when he didn’t see his shadow, Pritchett announced that all students should rapidly abandon campus and finish the semester online.
It's Not Junk Food, Mom: I'm Carrying on the Duchampian Tradition of the Readymade
For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.
Meet the Three People from the Class of 2025 Who Aren’t College YouTubers
Liwa Sun
Saturday, Feb. 27, 2021Sat, Feb 27, 2021
“When I opened the decision portal when it came out, the thought of filming my reaction never crossed my mind,” said Delaney.
OP-ED: Hey, Kid, Life Is Pass/Fail
Claudia Hogan
Saturday, Feb. 27, 2021Sat, Feb 27, 2021
This means that I’m not going to get sucked into the rat race of academic success or other traditionally accepted forms of success.
No, Seriously. Why Is Every TA Hot?
My sources tell me that I need to contact the professor if I’m interested in becoming a teaching assistant, but as a pretty person, I’ve never been one to have to ask for what I want.
How To Tell Your White Friends Their Smelly Asses Need a Bidet
You think sheets of paper are gonna rectify the damage of your blowing asshole?
Amy Gutmann Spotted Maskless in Van Pelt Recharging Her Batteries
This past Sunday Penn Police were anonymously tipped by a few students who said they saw “blinding flashes” and heard “what sounded like Optimus Prime ripping a bandaid off his genitalia” coming from VP 4th floor.
Lonely? Buy Another Plant You Depressed Son of a Bitch
Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”
Op-Ed: Stop COVID Vaccinations and Let Us Die as the Lord Intended
If you repent and pray extra hard, you will be saved.
Five Subtle Ways to Signal That You Are Involved With Greek Life
Zaynab Sanogo
Tuesday, Feb. 23, 2021Tue, Feb 23, 2021
1. Tell the person that you are talking to that you have had antibodies since the first semester. They’ll know.
Good for Her! DP Commenter Says She Makes $250 An Hour From Home
According to Saqi, the work is “so easy”, consisting mainly of “copying and pasting”, “sipping martinis”, and “going on luxury cruises across the world”. How didn’t I think of this sooner?
Ego of the Weak: Kite and Key
UTB Staff
Monday, Feb. 22, 2021Mon, Feb 22, 2021
K&K: Ultimately, I am obsessed with hearing the sound of my own voice — in fact, when other people speak, it makes me viscerally sick. I’ve also always had a proclivity for backward walking and repressing my trauma and would be thrilled to add both to my resume.
Jobless Senior Discovers Selling Out Is Actually Hard
“Why did no one tell me?” she groaned.
