Or perhaps all along they’ve been the thing stopping themselves from achieving happiness. No, that’s not possible--it’s not as though they sabotage themselves by having 7+ hours of screen time, eating 1.5 meals a day, and sleeping only 4 hours.

If Penn hopes to achieve economic and political sovereignty, we must start by taking over the economy of Philadelphia.

They thought that they were simply built different and that their stupid little February birthdays were safe. But now who has the last damn word? 

Statistically significant results found that a maximized joint slay between besties resulted in loving and long-lasting relationships. No joint slay? The results were much more ominous for these besties.

It doesn't matter if @homewrecker69 Tweets "P*nn sucks because it's so elitist," seniors will keep applying.

Ha! Hah! Ha-ha-aha! Oh, what sport! What astounding, overflowing levity! Man, this is liberating. Grant me restraint, Euphrosyne! I beg of you.

"I knew that Penn had a wide variety of food trucks. But of all the colleges that I considered, Penn was the only college that had a marijuana truck,” said Thead. 

I have an important message for all the students out there who have wondered why there are so many moans coming from the show your mom is bingeing.

Some may notice that the penis is notably missing from this list. We suggest that you do not use your penis to press elevator buttons, since that would be incredibly unsanitary and indecent.  

All the beta males are going to be bending over backwards in hopes of a quick "slip 'n slide" if you know what I mean ;). It takes a true Chad to realize that Valentine's day is in fact gay and therefore bad.

Marry: All of them - Don’t be stupid.

Students began to text back "new phone who dis," and various memes. Pritchett did not respond to these texts. 

Kyle, who typically takes on a workload of six-and-a-half STEM classes, has made the bold choice this semester to enroll in an introductory course in the Japanese department.

Wendell knew that they were just misguided rugrats that needed a little love and support to stop them from killing the innocent people in West Philly.  

r/WallStreetBets' top post today was to short you.  They called you overvalued. 

The warning text reads “Happy couple alert! They might be kissing, holding hands, or proposing. Are you sure you’re mentally stable enough to feel the weight of your own loneliness?” 

They don’t have sex, but that’s not really important. The closest they get is giving each other facials. 

This impressive score is thanks, in part, to Bernstein's innovative strategy to make the class as difficult and stressful as possible: He will be making cuts each week, until just one student remains. 

Wow, interesting! Chloe Clark’s (C ‘22) PennOpen Pass is a wondrous mashup of cherry red and oceanic blue. So chic, and totally showing off school spirit to boot!

But I have to concede that there actually might be fewer smears than counted. I might’ve accidentally counted some of my own hairs. Or my suitemates’. Or some rat that ran across my floor.