How To Tell Your White Friends Their Smelly Asses Need a Bidet
You think sheets of paper are gonna rectify the damage of your blowing asshole?
Most Recent
Lonely? Buy Another Plant You Depressed Son of a Bitch
Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”
How To Tell Your White Friends Their Smelly Asses Need a Bidet
You think sheets of paper are gonna rectify the damage of your blowing asshole?
Amy Gutmann Spotted Maskless in Van Pelt Recharging Her Batteries
This past Sunday Penn Police were anonymously tipped by a few students who said they saw “blinding flashes” and heard “what sounded like Optimus Prime ripping a bandaid off his genitalia” coming from VP 4th floor.
Lonely? Buy Another Plant You Depressed Son of a Bitch
Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”
Op-Ed: Stop COVID Vaccinations and Let Us Die as the Lord Intended
If you repent and pray extra hard, you will be saved.
Five Subtle Ways to Signal That You Are Involved With Greek Life
Zaynab Sanogo
Tuesday, Feb. 23, 2021Tue, Feb 23, 2021
1. Tell the person that you are talking to that you have had antibodies since the first semester. They’ll know.
Good for Her! DP Commenter Says She Makes $250 An Hour From Home
According to Saqi, the work is “so easy”, consisting mainly of “copying and pasting”, “sipping martinis”, and “going on luxury cruises across the world”. How didn’t I think of this sooner?
Ego of the Weak: Kite and Key
UTB Staff
Monday, Feb. 22, 2021Mon, Feb 22, 2021
K&K: Ultimately, I am obsessed with hearing the sound of my own voice — in fact, when other people speak, it makes me viscerally sick. I’ve also always had a proclivity for backward walking and repressing my trauma and would be thrilled to add both to my resume.
Jobless Senior Discovers Selling Out Is Actually Hard
“Why did no one tell me?” she groaned.
After Complaints Over Lack of Fun In-Person Activities, Penn Introduces Locust Walk Slip N’ Slide
“Slipping and sliding with all my new friends made me realize the tuition really was worth it,” freshman Colin Mann said.
Wharton Latino Elects Its First Ever Italian-American President
“My great grandfather was Italian, and I absolutely LOVE going to Latin BBQ every year. It’s one of my favorite Penn traditions,” stated White.
UTB Writer Not Funny Anymore After CAPS Therapy Session
Especially in these unprecedented times, CAPS is more committed than ever to creating a safe and caring environment for Penn’s diverse student body.
BREAKING: Wharton Just One UTB Article Away from Complete Ruin
Oh, the humanity! I can’t bear to watch. Prepare yourselves — we are about to have a very large pile of rubble and cocaine on our hands.
Seniors: Five Signs It’s Time to Start Lying About Your Age
Claudia Hogan
Saturday, Feb. 20, 2021Sat, Feb 20, 2021
Start lying about your age before the world attempts to thrust responsibilities upon you that provide nothing but stress and general confusion.
OP-ED: So We're All Still Cheating On Exams, Right?
Claudia Hogan
Saturday, Feb. 20, 2021Sat, Feb 20, 2021
By that logic, we might as well not cheat at all, but the game theory example of the prisoner’s dilemma would point out something that I could also quickly look up if asked about on an exam.
Unhinged! Seven Doors that Aren’t Structurally Sound
We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!
Stinky Little Sophomores Get Another Year With the Trough
Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies.
Sophie’s Choice: Invite Me to Your Party or Know I’ll Report It
You, dear reader, are presented today with a similar, devastating predicament: Do you invite me to your party OR know that I will shut down your shindig out of spite and hot jealous rage?
TBH: I Need Like, Two Consecutive Weeks of Engagement Days
One measly day isn’t enough to process the trauma of calling your professor Mom, let alone one to four whole years of undergrad. Yo, Gutmann! Don’t leave me high and dry here.
BREAKING: Nicki Minaj Makes Unprecedented $100 Million Donation to CAPS
Sammy Gordon
Wednesday, Feb. 17, 2021Wed, Feb 17, 2021
Minaj has not commented personally on the donation, but insiders say Nicki was worried about a few fans — known to the community as Barbz — who expressed their struggles with Penn's psychological services.
Breaking! Campus Just as Lonely and Boring as Staying Home
Or perhaps all along they’ve been the thing stopping themselves from achieving happiness. No, that’s not possible--it’s not as though they sabotage themselves by having 7+ hours of screen time, eating 1.5 meals a day, and sleeping only 4 hours.
