BREAKING: My Mom Wants Everyone to Know That This Season of 'Outlander' Has Way Less Sex in It
I have an important message for all the students out there who have wondered why there are so many moans coming from the show your mom is bingeing.
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Valentine’s Gay! Why Celebrating Love Makes You a Sissy
All the beta males are going to be bending over backwards in hopes of a quick "slip 'n slide" if you know what I mean ;). It takes a true Chad to realize that Valentine's day is in fact gay and therefore bad.
BREAKING: My Mom Wants Everyone to Know That This Season of 'Outlander' Has Way Less Sex in It
Claudia Hogan
Monday, Feb. 15, 2021Mon, Feb 15, 2021
I have an important message for all the students out there who have wondered why there are so many moans coming from the show your mom is bingeing.
Forehead, Nose, Tongue, and Other Creative and Sanitary Ways to Press Elevator Buttons
Some may notice that the penis is notably missing from this list. We suggest that you do not use your penis to press elevator buttons, since that would be incredibly unsanitary and indecent.
Valentine’s Gay! Why Celebrating Love Makes You a Sissy
All the beta males are going to be bending over backwards in hopes of a quick "slip 'n slide" if you know what I mean ;). It takes a true Chad to realize that Valentine's day is in fact gay and therefore bad.
V-Day Activity! Fuck, Marry, Kill - Penn Edition
Becky Weisberg
Friday, Feb. 12, 2021Fri, Feb 12, 2021
Marry: All of them - Don’t be stupid.
Hold up! How Did Wendell Get My Number?
Students began to text back "new phone who dis," and various memes. Pritchett did not respond to these texts.
Report: CIS Major in Your Japanese Class Definitely Has No Ulterior Motives Whatsoever
Kyle, who typically takes on a workload of six-and-a-half STEM classes, has made the bold choice this semester to enroll in an introductory course in the Japanese department.
Wendell Pritchett Not Mad, Just Disappointed
Wendell knew that they were just misguided rugrats that needed a little love and support to stop them from killing the innocent people in West Philly.
Sorry Babe, r/WallStreetBets Says I Should Short This Relationship
James Blume
Thursday, Feb. 11, 2021Thu, Feb 11, 2021
r/WallStreetBets' top post today was to short you. They called you overvalued.
Instagram to Add Warning Before Any Happy Couple Post
The warning text reads “Happy couple alert! They might be kissing, holding hands, or proposing. Are you sure you’re mentally stable enough to feel the weight of your own loneliness?”
Good for Her! Stephanie Dating Actual Homosexual Man
They don’t have sex, but that’s not really important. The closest they get is giving each other facials.
Innovative! This Introduction to Biology Class Will Be Making Cuts Each Lecture Until One Person Remains
This impressive score is thanks, in part, to Bernstein's innovative strategy to make the class as difficult and stressful as possible: He will be making cuts each week, until just one student remains.
Hurrah, Hurrah! PennOpen Pass Red and Blue
Wow, interesting! Chloe Clark’s (C ‘22) PennOpen Pass is a wondrous mashup of cherry red and oceanic blue. So chic, and totally showing off school spirit to boot!
Yup, I Counted: There Are Exactly 1283 Smears in This Tile
But I have to concede that there actually might be fewer smears than counted. I might’ve accidentally counted some of my own hairs. Or my suitemates’. Or some rat that ran across my floor.
Greek Life Members Head to Greek Rank to Build Wholesome and Inclusive COVID-Safe Online Community
The famously loving and prudent Greek life community has not let the coronavirus pandemic stop them from creating safe spaces for their members to thrive.
Disappointing: Mask and Wig Still Not Funny
Have you heard their jokes? How have these guys achieved international stardom?
UPenn Alert: One Person Voluntarily Releases Their Belongings to Another (Unarmed Robbery)
Last Friday night as you stumbled back from your COVID-safe hangout with all forty of your closest besties - it happened. A stranger approached you for your wallet and you – being the little bitch you are – gave it to them.
Ban on Mansplaining Temporarily Lifted for Super Bowl Weekend
Scott Newman
Sunday, Feb. 7, 2021Sun, Feb 7, 2021
Despite the year’s setbacks, the Football club (?) has moved forward with the time-honored, yearly tradition of Super Bowl Sunday.
DP Exposé Exposes No Names, No Organizations, No Events
Despite evidence of Greek life negligence abounding on campus and off, there simply "wasn’t enough evidence" to publish an article to hold the perpetrators accountable.
QUIZ: How Many Shots Would It Take UTB To Hook Up With You?
UTB Staff
Friday, Feb. 5, 2021Fri, Feb 5, 2021
Take our quiz!
Breaking: Off-Campus Sorority Holds Workshop Teaching Needy Kids How to Copy & Paste
“We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones.
