Bursts of hot pink and purple light suddenly beat down upon Fitzgerald as her desire – nay – NEED to spoil her friends with her riches overwhelmed her petite body.

The league is looking for folks who have three to six horses and three friends who also have three to six horses.

Since when does being unaffiliated with Greek life also mean being inconsiderate?

"Good news was I finished my homework. Bad news was, I failed the class and missed all of winter break."

Am I going to start putting in more work than ever now that my professional future is rapidly approaching? You bet your sweet ass I won’t. What am I doing instead? Take this quiz to find out!

Do I think I’m better than anyone in particular? No, my god, I’m not conceitfed. Do I think I’m just a bit better than the generalized “everybody”? A little. 

Believing the sign to actually signify that all drugs on campus were free and, perhaps, even provided to students, Caulfield immediately set his sights on the school.

We convinced him that we’re all going to be somewhere between homeless and disowned after graduation. I think Mattie’s got this great story about a felony conviction.

Ja Rule simply stated that Fling 2019 will be "Fyre."

Formerly a self-critical and empathetic female, I’ve decided to publicly inform you all that I’ve changed since assuming my role as Editor-in-chief of Under the Button.

Once this policy is in place, any patrons who have not enrolled in two-step verification will be unable to access Smokey Joe's or utilize any of its resources. Violations are punishable by I.D. bend and permanent banishment.

In that moment we were so thirsty and feeling so naughty that we knew that we had to steal it or else we would literally combust.

And who's this running in from the back? Why, none other than President Amy Gutmann, a permanent job contract resting in her hand. “You’ve done our Penn community well, Brandon,” Gutmann said with a smile.

In the spirit of giving, UTB is here to help you d-bags out. It was hard to narrow down the five best windows out of the 1,366,475 windows on campus, but after great deliberation we have compiled a list.

Gutmann and the Board of Trustees have sought to boost erotica consumption through the Power of Porn campaign.

I know I'm short. I know you think I'm short. I can see how much you want to express it. By all means, go ahead.

People have different conceptions of food and how it is prepared, served, and eaten. So when you call the pale, bland concoctions behind the sneeze guard at Commons "food," it can be insulting to those of us who grew up eating things like bread, meat, fruits, and vegetables that are actually seasoned and have flavors. 

Despite multiple security guards protecting Simmons from his fellow patrons at Tap House, they could not prevent a few unwelcome comments from being hurled at the NBA player from across the bar. The first of which came from lifelong Sixers fan Dan Spagnola (C ‘19) who yelled at the pass-first point guard to “take more shots.”

Sadly, Webster’s only lifeline was his now ex-girlfriend, Miranda Sheath who had "had it up to here with Cole’s drunken bullshit." But left with no other choice, Webster made the call as Howie Mandel hummed the Deal or No Deal theme song to himself, applying ample hand sanitizer all the while.

Consider, deeply, the fact that you are not choosing rushes to discard, but, rather, rushes to keep.