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OP-ED: If My 4 Twitter Followers Don't like My Funny Tweet I Will Self-Immolate

I am funny, and if you think otherwise then my sense of humor is probably beyond you.


Top 10 Most Hilariously Dumb Penn Course Reviews

Not sure what classes you should take next semester? UTB and your peers have you got covered by revealing the brutal truth behind some of Penn's most popular courses.


How to Recover from Having Your Snapchat Camera Flipped the Wrong Way While Taking a Piss at a Urinal

Stay perfectly still like you’re just a mannequin of a boy peeing. Science has proven that if you stay perfectly still, people will think you are a statue or an art installation.


Male Professor Talks About Sports

The five-minute conversation consisted of Reed playfully arguing with the four male students in the front row while the rest of the class watched.


OP-ED: Someone Answer My Piazza Question Before I Fucking Lose It

I’m going to ‘good question’ my question just to make sure everyone sees it.


Quiz: Is She Ghosting You, or Is She in the Monk Class?

Take this quiz to find out if she's rejecting you with an emotionally devoid tourniquet of silence or if she's actually into you but foregoing technological and verbal communication in the pursuit of deliberate living with her classmates in the monk class.


No More Stairs! Pottruck-Goers Must Now Ascend Rock Climbing Wall to Reach Top Floor

Since the big reveal, fitness nuts from all over have tested their mettle on the facility’s indoor climbing wall in a spectacle of blood, sweat, and tears. Running through their minds is just one simple goal: the resplendent glory of being crowned a fourth-floor fitness king.


Cool! Girl Next to me Staring at Her Phone Even Though We Both Know Damn Well There's No Service on This Elevator

If you’ve ever been in one of the high rises, you know there’s no service on the elevators. In addition to there being no service on this particular elevator, there are also no other people. Sources say it’s just me and this bitch.


OP-ED: Hey Remember Me? I’m Your Dad’s Business Friend’s Son! We Should Have Lunch Sometime!

My dad emailed your dad that I was coming here, and he said I should text you. 


This Junior Was the First Mortal to Step Inside the Campus Subway: Here's Her Story

"And yeah, so I’ve been trapped working in this Subway ever since."


This Freshman Vomits from Drinking All the Time and That’s Very Cool and Not Concerning

For Freshman Mike Tannenbaum, his new college hobby has become drinking until he vomits — at least once a weak. According to Tannenbaum's friends, they think it’s so fine and cool he has something he’s passionate about and are happy for him and not concerned.


Rock On! Confused Premed Enrolls in 7 Music Courses

His advisor was AWOL, MIA. His altruistic spirit: crushed entirely to a pulp.


Biden, Stop Wearing Sunglasses We Know You Have Pink Eye

His penchant for covering his face with ray-bands that went out of style twenty years ago should’ve been a sign.


BREAKING: Stanford Bad School

Everyone talks about how Stanford is this really good school, but I don’t really understand it. What makes them so special? Is there something I’m missing here?


Student's Superiority and Inferiority Complexes Oscillating Fast Enough to Produce Constant Contentment

While many of his peers are caught in the trap of either being so confident that they misjudge everything or being so insecure that they can barely get out of bed in the morning, Mung found the perfect solution.


Sad: On Campus Rats Shocked to Learn OCR Isn’t About Them

After years of thinking that the University's infamous On Campus Recruiting program was a celebratory rat-pride week called "On Campus Rats," they recently learned the truth. 


Finance Bros Agree: Tiger Is a Sick Name for a Hedge Fund

Maybe I'll name my hedge fund Liger Global. Those names are different enough.


The Top 10 Democratic Candidates as Types of Ice Cream

7. Beto O’Rourke: Rolled Ice Cream: Its trendy, expensive, and ultimately exactly the same as other, less expensive and easier to eat ice cream. Looks great on Instagram. 


Penn Reveals "Gregory West" Just a Storage Container in the C '25 Alleyway

The house is set to be finished two weeks ago, as it is simply a storage container in the Class of 25 alleyway, possibly leftover from move-in.


OP-ED: Buying Back to School Stationery Is the Only Way I Can Feel Anything Anymore

There is only one date I cling to: the beginning of the next school year, when this meaningless cycle begins all over again, and I order more pens off of Amazon.


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