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Freshman with ‘7 Rings’ Energy Bursars AirPods for Six of Her Bitches

Bursts of hot pink and purple light suddenly beat down upon Fitzgerald as her desire – nay – NEED to spoil her friends with her riches overwhelmed her petite body.


Penn Intramural Polo League Off to Slow Start

The league is looking for folks who have three to six horses and three friends who also have three to six horses.


Selfish Friend Fails to Accommodate Lucy’s Busy Pledging Schedule

Since when does being unaffiliated with Greek life also mean being inconsiderate?


Student Leaves Room After Finishing CIS 160 Problem Set, Disappointed to Find the Year Is 2019

"Good news was I finished my homework. Bad news was, I failed the class and missed all of winter break."


Quiz: Am I Stoned During Lecture, or Do I Just Have No More Fucks to Give?

Am I going to start putting in more work than ever now that my professional future is rapidly approaching? You bet your sweet ass I won’t. What am I doing instead? Take this quiz to find out!


OP-ED: I Deactivated My Facebook Last Week, and 4 Other Things That Feed My Superiority Complex

Do I think I’m better than anyone in particular? No, my god, I’m not conceitfed. Do I think I’m just a bit better than the generalized “everybody”? A little. 


Incoming Freshman Disappointed to Learn Penn is not a “Free Drug Zone” and That He Cannot Read

Believing the sign to actually signify that all drugs on campus were free and, perhaps, even provided to students, Caulfield immediately set his sights on the school.


Wholesome! Entire Friend Group Pretending to Be Sad and Stressed to Make Friend Feel Better

We convinced him that we’re all going to be somewhere between homeless and disowned after graduation. I think Mattie’s got this great story about a felony conviction.


Ja Rule Hired by SPEC to Deliver Bahamian Fling

Ja Rule simply stated that Fling 2019 will be "Fyre."


Letter from the Editor: Sorry Suckers, I’m a White Man Now

Formerly a self-critical and empathetic female, I’ve decided to publicly inform you all that I’ve changed since assuming my role as Editor-in-chief of Under the Button.


2 Step Authentication Now Required to Enter Smokes

Once this policy is in place, any patrons who have not enrolled in two-step verification will be unable to access Smokey Joe's or utilize any of its resources. Violations are punishable by I.D. bend and permanent banishment.


Thirsty Freshmen Head to Frat Party, Leave With Five Gallons of Water

In that moment we were so thirsty and feeling so naughty that we knew that we had to steal it or else we would literally combust.


Genius: Student Who Corrected Math Professor in Packed Lecture Hall Gains Tenure

And who's this running in from the back? Why, none other than President Amy Gutmann, a permanent job contract resting in her hand. “You’ve done our Penn community well, Brandon,” Gutmann said with a smile.


5 Cliché Windows For Your Amateur Photoshoot of Impromptu Snowstorm

In the spirit of giving, UTB is here to help you d-bags out. It was hard to narrow down the five best windows out of the 1,366,475 windows on campus, but after great deliberation we have compiled a list.


AirPennNet Celebrates 1 Million Hours Of Pornography Streamed On Network

Gutmann and the Board of Trustees have sought to boost erotica consumption through the Power of Porn campaign.


4 Ways to Express That I'm Short Without Lifting Me and Twirling 360 Degrees

I know I'm short. I know you think I'm short. I can see how much you want to express it. By all means, go ahead.


OP-ED: We Shouldn't Call Dining Hall Food 'Food'

People have different conceptions of food and how it is prepared, served, and eaten. So when you call the pale, bland concoctions behind the sneeze guard at Commons "food," it can be insulting to those of us who grew up eating things like bread, meat, fruits, and vegetables that are actually seasoned and have flavors. 


Ben Simmons MERTed After Every Guy at City Tap House Tells Him to Take More Shots

Despite multiple security guards protecting Simmons from his fellow patrons at Tap House, they could not prevent a few unwelcome comments from being hurled at the NBA player from across the bar. The first of which came from lifelong Sixers fan Dan Spagnola (C ‘19) who yelled at the pass-first point guard to “take more shots.”


Howie Mandel Instructs Student How to “Phone a Lifeline” After Exhausting All Other Two-Step Verification Codes

Sadly, Webster’s only lifeline was his now ex-girlfriend, Miranda Sheath who had "had it up to here with Cole’s drunken bullshit." But left with no other choice, Webster made the call as Howie Mandel hummed the Deal or No Deal theme song to himself, applying ample hand sanitizer all the while.


OP-ED: SISTERS, This Rush is Super Sweet, but Does She Spark Joy?

Consider, deeply, the fact that you are not choosing rushes to discard, but, rather, rushes to keep. 


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