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Most Recent


OP-ED: I Wish I Could Come To Your Show but I Can't Because It Sounds Awful

I love the idea of watching 23 soon-to-be consultants pretend to be instruments.


Dining Halls Go Self-Serve, Thousands Flock to Fill Pockets With Grapes

After months of being an observer in the culinary arts, I am now chef!


Penn Promises Pizza At Recess To The Class That Uploads The Most Vaccine Cards

Pizza slices will be limited to one per person and will be a generous two inches in width.



Photo Essay: Is Nobody Going to Comment on My Petiteness?

The world is crumbling before my micrometer-wide eyes!


BREAKING: Secret Weight Room Found at Renowned Study Space Pottruck

Pottruck, a shining beacon of scholarship and mental advancement, has been home base for Penn’s brightest since 2003. And that’s what makes this new finding so baffling.


Celebrate? Nobody in My 8:30 Math Recitation Knows Today Is My Birthday

Are there any other pisces in the room?


Pritchett Finally Becomes Something Everybody Understands!

I am Interim President. I matter. I am enough.


OP-ED: My Dad Has a Lawyer, but Not in the Same Way Yours Does

Upon reflection, I am proposing that NONE of us talk about our lawyers, that way nobody feels left out. 


BREAKING: Mini Pret to Be Built in Pret Inside Huntsman Hall

Welcome to the future and Vive la France!


Self-Help: Help Yourself to Another Brownie :)

ohh, did that one have fudge inside??? :) :) :) Hell YEAH! :) :) :) :) :)


OP-ED: Gays Are in Stem Only Because It’s Like Pills and Potions

I frolic around my lab bench, flirting with other boys and knocking over glassware.


OP-ED: I'll Do a Line, and Then You Strangle Me, Okay?

How many times do I have to explain this? It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.


McClelland Bowls Now Just Rice

If students can shut up and enjoy their rice, then Penn Dining might consider adding lettuce again.


Never Panic Again! Students Invest in Diapers Instead of Locating PennCard

You're not you when your bladder's about to burst! Go buy a diaper :)


Cute! Penn Dems to Launch Whimsical "Millenial Pink" Infographics Advocating for War With Russia

Amidst the week’s geopolitical turmoil, a recent Penn Dems communiqué urged members to center policy discussions around what voters really want: triple masking kindergarteners in perpetuity.


My Mom Texts Me “How’s School?” Girl Shut the Fuck Up

"I skipped my morning lecture because I got distracted by my reflection, and then I rolled around on the floor of McClelland for half an hour."


Letter From the Editor: I’m a Vibe? What Do You Mean Angel

 My clout got too high! That happens sometimes. Hoes mad! 


Girl With a Kind Face Starts Charging a Therapist’s Fee for Trauma Dumping

Usually I am told that the reason for this emotional downpour is my kind face. I can’t change this about myself, believe me I’ve tried. So, I’ve devised a solution.


Wharton Student Opens Dictionary To Random Page, Discovers “Middle Class” On Page 453

"Ballpark like … 800k. Y’know, not struggling, but not necessarily raking in the dough.”


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