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Wharton Student Has Successful Coffee Chat With Parents Visiting For Homecoming

“It’s great to see the folks every now and then. It’s so important to build a strong network."


Penn to Divert Funds from Middle East Center Towards Implementation of Sharia Law in Frats

Inshallah sorority sisters will lovingly adopt the hijab and fraternity brothers will embrace polygamy over cheating.


OP-ED: Mask and Wig Should Do One of These Shows Every Week!

You’re gonna come, they dangle a pocket watch in front of your face. Your vision goes black. All you can think about is the Mask & Wig show. You’re convinced. 


Fossil Free Tent People’s Newest Water Saving Demand: End Douching

"How can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women?"


Penn Tops "Most Cartoonishly Evil Alumni" List for Third Year in a Row

The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs. 


Undefeated Penn Football Team Will Now Face Alabama at Homecoming Game

Alabama’s star quarterback Bryce Young has entered the transfer portal in hopes of avoiding the menacing Quaker D-line.


Emotional Scene: On-Campus Fraternity Brothers Disheartened as Their Party Overlooked by Fun Police

What started as a laid-back night of vibes with the brothers evolved into... a chill kickback with the brothers and a few of their friends.


Magill Announces Fossil Fuel Divestment, Crosses Fingers Behind Her Back

“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. 



OP-ED: Give Me a Wet, Sloppy European Kiss on the Cheek

Get it over with, wet and sloppy, just like I asked.


Your Decorations Are So Cute! And 7 Other Lies Guaranteed to Get You Friends in College

“You’re so good at Math 1400… I wish I could do derivatives like you.”


Heartbreaking: Local Frat Brother Remains Blissfully Unaware That His Life Will Peak in 17 Hours and 21 Minutes

“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.


Shocking! Worst Looking Frat Brother is Worst Smelling Person at Pottruck

No like genuinely why do they always smell like salty day-old spinach


Oh, Hell Yeah: I Run Into My Best Friend at One of the Two Locations We Always Frequent on Campus

Hell yeah. I see you, brother. I come to you. One day I will weep for this. 


Penn to Unveil New A Cappella Group Made Up of Just People Coughing in Fisher Fine Arts Library

Schmitt founded the Treble Cough acapella group to do just that: amplify the sounds of Penn’s most prolific disruptive coughers.


Take Your Mind off of Academic Woes! Browse These Fall-Fun-Photos of Amy G’s Warm Toned Midcentury Princeton Home on Zillow

Everything about this house says: I was the longest serving president in Penn history.


Quiz: Can You Tell How Svelte I Am Based on How Cute I Sneeze?

This quiz will determine whether YOU get into heaven. 


Clueless Mom Fails to Comprehend That Glow Party Takes Precedent Over Home-Cooked Meal

After all, her son was both an Economics major and a short king. Legend.


im so lonely im gonna mert myself

taketh me hence in an ambulance, a warmeth forehead’s kiss <3


Magill Spotted Hanging Sneakers Around Campus Amidst “Penn-trification” Accusations

Eyewitnesses report a shorter woman in a trench coat throwing shoes on wires in an attempt to change the campus's optics.


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