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None of Our Articles As Funny as Four Seasons Total Landscaping Debacle

There is literally nothing else for me to add to make the situation funnier than it is

SPORTS REPORT: Penn Basketball Already Recruiting 6-Foot-6-Inch Forward Barron Trump

Can Barron ‘The Trump Tower’ Trump one day lead the team to an Ivy League title? 

19 Year Old Mole Actually Speck of Dust

People tell me that things could be worse ("you could have COVID!") and that I should pay attention to more pressing matters ("worry about the election!"). But the thing is, COVID is just a conspiracy and the election isn't even that important. The bond that I had with my mole was real. And I have lost it forever.  

OP-ED: Only Losers Vote Early. I'm Voting Fashionably Late.

So today, November 5th, when I cast my vote, I will bring the action and the excitement. I will be the life of the party - both Democratic and Republican. And, most importantly, I will be the only insta-story with a pic at the polls.

As Nation Implodes, Nevada Takes Time for Self Care

Sure it might seem simple enough to just count the motherfucking ballots already, considering like 45 states did it in a day, but Nevada looks to Pennsylvania and finds the justification it needs. “If Pennsylvania hasn’t gotten their shit together either, it’s okay because I probably won’t be the last one.”  

Canvas: The New Dating App to Meet Old, Married Professors

Hiiiiiiiiiii, KittyKat69SeX411 here! Long time SeekingArrangment user, short time student. I took advantage of the add/drop period, by surfing Canvas pages to find the sad little married fucks in need of some dick tickling. 

US President Elected Peacefully and Democratically

 Not expecting riots as a result of the election, businesses have chosen to not board up their windows, continuing the unbroken legacy of businesses not needing to board up their windows for an election.  

Presidential Election, Who? Damn, No One Told Me That Was Yesterday

What a shame Trump might win Pennsylvania on a razor thin margin. If only people had gone out and done the work… reminding me to vote. 

UTB Masks Up to Go to the Polls

 UTB does its part to support our democracy.  


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Wayfair Pleased Everyone Forgot It Was Accused of Child Trafficking

Since the summer, Wayfair executives have been able to kick their feet up and relax after a stressful coverup. They were able to crack open a cold one with the boys surrounded by the storage cabinets that they deny ever contained any human beings.

How to Tell Your White Friends That They Will Spend the Rest of Eternity Burning in Hell

The idea of piety is fundamentally at odds with the cultural habits of white people. The idea of salvation is, quite frankly, laughable. 

The Results Are In! Obama Won

If we’re going to spread fake news, we might as well make it good news.   

Three Simple Tricks to Make Your Vote Count Twice

How can you ensure a victory for this country’s soul? Get your vote to count twice! Here are some quick and easy tricks to do just that.

"Make Sure You Vote Today," Says Professor Holding Class on Election Day

Dr. Perez wanted it to be clear that he says voting as almost as important as his class specifically. “They’re both crucial for your future, if you think about it,” he said to students.