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Sniffling Lil Bitch Boy Thinks Using Tissues Makes Him Unmanly

Sniffle, sniffle, little bitch.


Crippling Social Anxiety? Here Are UTB's Top 5 Tips on How to Walk Down Locust

We’ve all been there. It’s 10:07 —  the height of your mad dash to your 10:15 class — and everyone, and I mean everyone seems to be out on Locust. You see your professor, friends, enemies, and wait — is that the one girl your great aunt told you to keep an eye out for? 


Duos This, Gardens That; I Just Wanna Party Party Party Till My Panties Fall Off

When I next put on some groovy flared jeans, I will shake ass. I will party party party till my panties fall down. 


REPORT: $80 For a Farm Wristband Seems Like a Lot, Phi Delt Brother Acknowledges

What if we were so far removed from it all that the lie became the truth?


OP-ED: I Just Saw You Piss On Ben Franklin And You Definitely Need To Hydrate

Come on bro. No way you can tell me you’re proud of that stream. 



Heartwarming! My Potential Formal Date Drafts Message About Her Dead Grandma in Notes App

I tend to assume the worst in women and I tend to be right. She’s “depressed?” Yeah, that’s code word for disinterested. She has other friends. Yeah, more like men. She’s 'gay'? Yeah, more happy without you.


Consider the Glass Ceiling Broken: Sororities and Fraternities To Seek Pledges With Higher Body Counts

The brothers, sisters, and siblings sought to address the low BMIs and high protein powder intakes of their members. You can guess which problem each house is afflicted with.


Career Services Guide: Companies Hiring and Accepting Sexual Favors for Summer 2024

Hopefully, this guide can ease some of the internship uncertainty – possibly with the help of a few risqué LinkedIn messages. 


Depressed Today? You Forgot To Eat a Little Something Something

What you never hear these medicated girls say is, “It’s time to eat a little Something Something!”


I Lived It: Towne 8/10 Discovers They’re a Huntsman 4/10

I showered today. I’m wearing clothes that have been washed within the past five business days. Where is my praise? 


PenAlert: Penn Launches New Emergency System for When Your Dumbass Classmate Loses Their Apple Pencil

UPDATE: Pencil FOUND under a chair in the Moelis Reading Room.  Police and Allied Security patrolling the area. You may resume normal activity. 


Back to the Golden Days: I Announce Post BA Plans To Be an RA in the Quad

Freshmen of the future, I’m coming for you.


Insider’s Scoop: What They’re Not Telling You About UTB’s Writer Strike

The majority of what you heard about this writing publication is true: half of us are gay, half of us are going into consulting, all of us are an NYC 8 at least.


Weaponized Incompetence: Professor Doesn’t Put Syllabus in Syllabus Section of Canvas

These fearless students waded through the swampy waters of Modules and Files to track down an odd little Excel sheet named “GradingRubricFINALDRAFT2.xlsx”


OP-ED: It’s Not Your Professor’s Fault That Your Academic Drive is Decaying like The Carrion of a Murdered Prey

You can’t blame their blabbering and the rainy weather forever


QUIZ: Does Your Mom Actually Miss You or Does She Need to Find a Hobby?

Did your mom send you three messages today that all say the same thing?


Thought Of The Day: I Want Liz Magill's Perfume

If someone reads this and knows what she uses please reach out & let me know ASAP.


Sophomore Who Double Paid For On-Campus Dorm and Chestnut Apartment Still Really Passionate About UC Townhomes Crisis

“It’s just crazy how limited available housing is these days,” Davis said as she walked from her Chestnut apartment living room, past the guest bedroom, and into her master bedroom.


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