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Penn to Cease All Classes, Instead Robs Students at Gunpoint for Four Straight Years

Why waste all of the time and money required for things like classes and professors?


World Record: I’ve Accumulated 137 Green 2 Go Boxes in My Room

Anything green is sustainable, right????



OP-ED: The Grab and Go Policy Should Be Extended to Fracket Piles

Tonight, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will steal that Aritizia Superpuff that was so delicately, so playfully tossed across the Natty Light puddle beneath your feet. It’s fate.


OP-ED: Don’t You Think Homosexuals Are Just Narcissistic?

Hear me out. It's what they would want: voices being heard. 


Penn Therapy Dog Tired of Your Shit

 “These students think I can’t understand them,” said Fluffy. “But I can understand everything. All the things they tell me, they hurt me. I never knew the world was such a horrible and cruel place. And I don’t understand why I have to bear the psychological burden of the cruel human world. Now I can never sleep at night.” 


Extremist Group You Don’t Care About Does Something You Don’t Understand in Country You Haven’t Heard Of

The extremist group has appeared on your Facebook feed many times in the past—you always respond to those posts with a “sad face” emoji.


Feeling Generous This V-Day Season? Consider Purchasing Roses to Help Local Sorority Sisters Go to Vegas

Anything helps and it only takes a second of your time. Be charitable this holiday season and change a young girl's life. 


If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?

Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.


Take the Stairs, Man! I am a Werewolf Who Needs to Make it to Rooftop Lounge Quickly so That I Can Stare Longingly at the Moon

 OMG protip: can you,,,, like take the staiws if u live on floor 5 or below??? Pl0x???// *tail swishing* roflcopter!!!!!! 


I’m in Charge Now, Suckers: Welcome to Pritchett World

Who am I, you ask? WHO AM I? I’m Wendell goddamn Pritchett! What do you mean, you’ve never heard of me? Shut up! SHUT! UP!!! God DAMN IT!


Campus in Agreement: Shameless Plug Actually Pretty Shameful

To calm the concerns of the Penn community and pat down controversy caused by his “shameless plug,” Cox reminds everyone that the proceeds of his club’s fundraiser will go to the Trump 2024 campaign.


Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann: This Is an Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann

Very Important Announcement From President Amy Gutmann Very Very Important Look Here Read Now Today Read


Beloved Math 104 Professor Robert Ghrist Unveils New NSFW YouTube Channel

Though his instruction is clear, most of prof/g’s success can be attributed to something far more crude: his god-given voice. 


Fuck It—Penn to Require On-Campus Housing For-Life

Penn actually cares about us so super duper much. So much, in fact, that they are now requiring on-campus housing for life! We get to live in West Philly for...ever!!!!!!!


The Next Zuckerberg? My LinkedIn Profile Just Got Four Views

Four people—only one of which the website revealed was my mom—glanced over my resume.


Write What You Know: Here are 80 Pages on My Own Staggering Genius

Looking back at the headline of this article, which I pitched but a few paltry days ago, I can only conclude that it was birthed from a fit of narcissistic megalomania, potentially while I was under the influence of the good ol’ rotgut, no less.


Imbecile! Rush Who Dropped Fraternity Expects To Still Be Friends

My real friends have had horse manure thrown at them while drinking Natty Lights.


Justice Served! Penn to Implement “28 Strikes and You’re Out” Policy Towards Racially Insensitive Professors

"We can excuse one or two or ten racially insensitive remarks, but we will draw the line at twenty-eight.  We will not tolerate those who repeatedly—and we mean repeatedly—promote white supremacy."


Observant Instagram User Realizes Friend Group Has Hung Out After Seeing Twenty Reposts of Same Story

Secret hangout uncovered!! Who would have thought? 


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