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Jessica Looks Under Table Passive Aggressively, Oblivious Classmate Continues to Tap Stupid Foot

“My stupid neighbor has a stupid foot, and they kept tapping it. So, of course, I looked under the table.” Sources say Jessica really shoved her whole head under there. 


Ok Boomer! Bouncer Won’t Allow Poppers on the Dance Floor

I'll just go buy a drink instead. Excited to join the alcoholic boomer masses.


Ok Boomer: Guy Turns 22

“I thought he was one of whatever our generation is, but there he goes, turning 22 like a fucking Boomer.”


Ok Boomer! Mom Likes Those ‘Little Tik Tok Videos’

“I just really like those little Tik Tok videos!” Mrs. Bernstein claimed with her reading glasses on the bridge of her nose. 


Ok Boomer! SHS Doctor Thinks It’s Syphilis

Classic Boomer to assume you have nothing going on in your life and can just, “take time to address your genital sores.”


Ok Boomer! Barack Obama Canceled Cancel Culture so He’s Canceled Now

Apparently, he said something about “the idea of purity and always [being] politically woke,” but all I heard was “BLAH BLAH I’M A BOOMER BLAH BLAH BLAH.”


Ok Boomer! Professor Thinks You Should Probably Withdraw

"We're unfortunately past the drop deadline, but your grade is currently so low that, were it to show up on your final transcript, the Math department would be forced to blacklist you."


OK BOOMER! MOM JUST CALLING TO SAY SHE LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT AND WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU MORE OFTEN AS IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT ALREADY

Just because you raised her into the confident woman she is today by providing her with resources and by being a powerful example of a woman following her dreams in a male-dominated industry does NOT mean she owes you anything. Emotional autonomy is the way the world works now.


Student Slides down Harnwell Trash Chute to Avoid Social Contact in Elevator

“It’s much faster than the elevator too."


Driver Blaring Horn Just Wants to Wish You a Good Day

“I love college students. What better way to show my appreciation than to honk?”


Bobby’s Burgers Exposed: I’m the One Who Beat Bobby Flay

Most people think that Bobby’s Burgers closed down due to their abysmal management or highly overpriced burgers. They're wrong. As we all know, inflated prices and rude management are a prerequisite to starting a successful restaurant in West Philly.


OP-ED: I Only Got into Penn Because of My Elaborately Dressed American Girl Doll Collection

I own 21 dolls, 13 of which are historical, and I have to dress them for their respective time periods unless I want to look like a goddamn fool when I carry them around with me.


OP-ED: Amy Gutmann Will Die One Day and This Makes Me Sad

Amy Gutmann ages, just like the rest of us. And when you age too much, you die. And when you die you can’t be the president of the University of Pennsylvania.


OP-ED: DP's Refusal to Endorse Anyone in Boise Mayoral Election Is Unspeakable

This defies reason. Boise, the cultural heart of the northwest, faces dramatic political realignment. Mayoral endorsement by the Daily Pennsylvanian would have gone a long way in shaping the future of this vital region.


Under the Button Endorses Voting in General Election but 2 Days Too Late

Under the Button is taking a stance! Penn, we implore you, go to the polls!


OP-ED: If Student-Athletes Are in Such Good Shape, Why Do They Need to Ride Scooters?

I don’t know much about Penn’s athletics, but I do know that student-athletes are not only students but also they’re athletes. This duality means that they do physical exercise on a regular basis in addition to studying. Logically, then, one might assume that student-athletes are in good shape.


Regrade Request: Here's Twenty Bucks ;)

How did that even get there? I don't have the slightest.


Is She Asking Me out or Just Trying to Convert Me to Christianity

The issue with coming from New Jersey is that I have no experience with Christianity. My high school was made up exclusively of Jews, atheists, and Jewish atheists.


Watch out Yale: Penn May Become Second Ivy to Have an Alum Impeached While President

Yale has always thought it was hot shit because Bill Clinton went to law school there and then got impeached. Although no other ivy has been able to claim that honor, that may soon be changing. Penn may become the second ivy to have an alum impeached while in office. Though Donald Trump hardly went to Penn, having been an incredibly low-performing transfer student, he is technically an alum.


Bobby's Burger Palace Closes After It Loses One of Its Three Customers

“Business was booming two months ago — we easily had three, four, hell sometimes even FIVE customers walk through our doors on any given day. We had big plans for the future, but ever since Jeff stopped coming by, well, we just don’t have the money to support the shop anymore.” 


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