“It’s great to see the folks every now and then. It’s so important to build a strong network."

Inshallah sorority sisters will lovingly adopt the hijab and fraternity brothers will embrace polygamy over cheating.

You’re gonna come, they dangle a pocket watch in front of your face. Your vision goes black. All you can think about is the Mask & Wig show. You’re convinced. 

"How can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women?"

The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs. 

Alabama’s star quarterback Bryce Young has entered the transfer portal in hopes of avoiding the menacing Quaker D-line.

What started as a laid-back night of vibes with the brothers evolved into... a chill kickback with the brothers and a few of their friends.

“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. 

A halal cart menu hack! 

Get it over with, wet and sloppy, just like I asked.

“You’re so good at Math 1400… I wish I could do derivatives like you.”

“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.

No like genuinely why do they always smell like salty day-old spinach

Hell yeah. I see you, brother. I come to you. One day I will weep for this. 

Schmitt founded the Treble Cough acapella group to do just that: amplify the sounds of Penn’s most prolific disruptive coughers.

Everything about this house says: I was the longest serving president in Penn history.

This quiz will determine whether YOU get into heaven. 

After all, her son was both an Economics major and a short king. Legend.

taketh me hence in an ambulance, a warmeth forehead’s kiss <3

Eyewitnesses report a shorter woman in a trench coat throwing shoes on wires in an attempt to change the campus's optics.