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Breaking: It's Officially Too Late to Turn Your Grades Around

In order to improve mental health resources on campus surrounding the issue, CAPS is distributing a pamphlet entitled "Why You Should Give Up Now." 


Amy Gutmann Caught Stealing Spit From COVID-19 Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

Do you want to be a parent, but don’t want to risk your kid being a total failure? Buy one of Amy Gutmann’s babies. 


“Assume Spherical Cow” and Other Phrases GUARANTEED to Turn Engineers On

 It's common knowledge that nobody understands engineers, not even engineers. They are emotionless, rigid, and only think in terms of numbers and esoteric jargon. But don't fear! UTB has compiled a list of phrases that are GUARANTEED to turn on your engineer love interest. 


Student Stumbles Upon New Species of Locust Walk Tree

Is this a Magnolia tree? 


Quiz: Has Spring Break Already Happened?

 Surely, if we’ve already had Spring Break this year, we would remember it, right?


Call for Action: Make Babies Second Class Citizens

I’m prepared to weather whatever resistance I am met with by mothers, fathers, and every other fucker under a baby’s conspiratorial spell.


Op-Ed: Stop Bringing Your Kids to Clark Park, I Need to Smoke

Bring justice to us future lung cancer patients.


Self-Identified Extroverted Introvert? You Might Be Eligible for Lethal Injection

In the past several weeks, many Penn students have already received the injection by walking into the FEMA center and claiming the leftover shots.


BREAKING: Penn to Implement 10,080 Intermittent 'Engagement Minutes'

Gurie Klyfe (W '23) was seen asking, “Has anyone sprinted to Miami and back in 60 seconds?”


Slay! Stephanie Really Hasn’t Changed For the Worse Lately

Stephanie looks forward to more weeks of not being a complete cunt.


Political Triumph: Biden Cancels Students for Good!

#studentsareover


BREAKING: Humanities Professor Wants to Talk About Modernity

Ah, modernity. Just, ahh… gosh, where to start? Okay, how about this: what is modernity? Heh, what even is it? What do you guys think — is it an era, a concept, an ethos? Do you… feel modern?


Introducing Over the Button — Highbrow Humor For Intellectuals

If you’ve read Under the Button, you know that they have a tendency to look down on OUR president, Amy Gutmann. We at Over the Button say enough's enough.


Dweeb! Single Tables Force Students to Relive Middle School Trauma

During meals, students sitting alone scream out in agony: “I’m getting my braces off next week, I promise!” One student even broke down crying, muttering to himself: “But, my mother tells me I’m beautiful.” 


Relaxing! Professor Wishes Students a Refreshing Engagement Day as He Replaces Lecture With Quiz

He so strongly emphasizes the importance of mental health during the pandemic, even mentioning it in his syllabus right above his zero-tolerance late policy and no partial credit grading policy.  


Astronautical Engineering and Ten Other Things That Are Easier Than Meal Prepping for One

Childbirth. Now that we’re thinking about it, having twins is probably on par with meal prepping’s level of difficulty. But just one kid? Definitely easier. 


Help! My Professor Has Cancelled Me!

 I have a full P.R. team on retainer, and they’ve brought people back from a lot worse than making their “teachers” cry. 


The Week in Review: A Few TV Shows Came Back, It Rained Twice, I Saw a Dog

We should all be very pleased with the directions our lives are taking. 


Gutmann Rejects "New Normal," Accepts Usual Paycheck

"And what's worse, everyone is talking about this "new normal" like we are never going to be able to go back to how life was before. I'm putting my foot down. I won't accept it."


Becky Weisberg and Mikayla Golub | Penn must divest from Penn

We cannot even imagine the depth and breadth of Penn's sphere of influence. There's the saying "money makes the world go 'round," but I think the more apt expression is: "money makes the world burn, especially if it's Penn's money." 


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