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McDonald's Flag is Always at Half Mast Because They Don't Have Anyone Tall Enough To Put It at Full

 None of their employees are tall enough to put the flag at full mast. That pole is like 20ft tall. 


Quiz: Is the Pottruck Opening a Good Idea?

Is your common sense better than the Penn administration? Are you also ready to infect more students just for  a little more money? 


Fossil Free Penn Announces That Oil Rigs Actually Kind of Gnarly When You Think About It

"These big drills, right, they just go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”


Sup Bro: Do You Mind Proofreading My Essay?

Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.


Bill Gates? 5G? The Real Truth Behind DP+

Tracking Penn students is the DP's ultimate wet dream.


Let’s Make One Thing Clear: Girls Like Bad Boys, And Bad Boys Break the Campus Compact

The nice guy cares about the community and others, and is a lame-ass little bitch. What girls want is big parties and casual hook up sessions, not Zoom dates with the Green Pass guy.


Meet the Student Responsible for 127 of Penn's 250 Campus Violations

Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.


Penn’s New Program Will Pay for You and One Professor to Do Ecstasy Together...and I’m on It Right Now.

 Why did I choose Sister Catherine? Why the fuck wouldn’t I lol. 


Hate Crime Club Rebrands as Anti-Crime Club to Avoid Confusion

 The branded white hats the club ordered will also have to be returned.  


You Know Hemo’s Food Truck? You Were Right, Hemo Is Short for Hemorrhoids

We’ve all been there - 2AM on a Thursday night, one failed booty call away from dropping out and becoming a full time incel when we open our fridge and find our tub of Hemo sauce, glowing in the midst of so much darkness.


Ethics Professor Really Reaching to Justify Suspiciously Personal Scenario

u201cNow, letu2019s assume that Maria were to, say, offer a student extra credit in exchange for cocaine. My question is: would this be ethical? And if so, why?u201d


Penn Sophomore Experience: Tied Up at the Bottom of NCH West, Eating Dog Shit

But at the end of the day, it’s an experience like no other, meant to bring you closer to your classmates. That is, if they are able to survive...


Girl Who Hates Her Birthday Makes Big Deal About Birthday

I am a cool, chill girl who just doesn’t care about my birthday.


Ego of the Weak: Class Board

CB: We all have anxious-preoccupied attachment styles and need constant validation and love from all of our peers, whether or not it is coerced, to feel like life is worth living. Oh, and we really wanted to get into Friars.  


Penn to Introduce PennOpen Pass+ For High-Paying Red Passes

For $50 a week, students with red Passes can go wherever they want: dining halls, other college houses, Center City — you name it.


Op-Ed: That’s Cool, But Did I Ask?

Omg bestie that’s like totally exciting and I’m like super happy for you... but tbh it’s kinda tmi and I don’t remember asking?


Guy Who Played Penn Masala Song During Make Out Session Not Even in Penn Masala

At one point, the guy stopped his motion and whispered into the air: “Alexa, play Musafir by Penn Masala.” 


Relief! Spikeball Season Continues Strong Following Sports Cancellation

Spikeball is life. Spikeball is love. 


Wellness Win! University Administration Claims We've Gotten Days off School

Students everywhere rejoiced as they realized that in addition to not having any classes that meet on Fridays, they have also been given most Fridays off. 


OP-ED: COVID-19 Sucks, But Old People Suck More

I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly.


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