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Cool! Second Year Orientation Just Safe Sex Puppet Show

Held from 8:30-10:00 pm on the first Friday Night of NSO, this mandatory event is going to be a crowd favorite.


Help me! I am Addicted to Picklebacks

I know UTB is a joke publication but I don’t know what else to do. I have nowhere else to put these thoughts and feelings.


Alarming! Mom and Dad Really Belt Billy Joel During Family Road Trip

A few songs in, the whole car was really jamming. Then... it happened. Track 5 was Uptown Girl, Dad's favorite song on the CD. Boy, did he let it rip.


Wow! Virtual Internship Just as Helpful as Virtual School

The study looked at statistics such as the percentage of participants whose camera is on, daily time spent on work/school, skills acquired, and overall participant enjoyment to inform the educated and mathematical assessment.


QUIZ: How Bad Is Your Summer Slide?

Take this quiz to see how much of school you've retained this summer.


Student Skips Summer Bod, Goes Straight to Winter Bod

"It's not like I was planning on going to the beach or anything because of COVID, but I'm also not one to sit around. I get restless and always need to be actively doing something, so I figured I get a head start on sculpting my post-Thanksgiving figure." 



Open Letter to My Sister Who Played the Piano When I Was Napping

"I AM SLEEPING! COULD YOU PLEASE NOT PLAY THE PIANO WHEN I AM SLEEPING?!" 


Guy With "Don’t Tread on Me" Flag Basically Begging to be Tread on

Goddamn, your flag really makes me want to tread on you.


Elvira, "Mistress of the Dark," Named as New President of University of Pennsylvania

While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.


Junior Who Had 8 Months on Campus Excited to Claim Superiority Over Baby Underclassmen

Since the seniors are checked out, and nobody else has really been to campus, it seems like juniors are going to rule the school.


​​Your WiFi is Insecure; Compliment That Hoe

It's not that hard to make your WiFi feel like the desirable woman that she is.


Cool! Fall Edition of Quake Magazine Just Furry Porn

Get ready to see some graphic shit.


Becoming My Mother: A Cautionary Tale

I’m sitting here, 19 years old, with reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, a warm cup of chamomile tea in hand, and an inhibiting fear of dehydration that consumes the entirety of my being. I have reluctantly accepted the brutal truth: I have become my mother. 


Op-Ed: Next UPenn President Must Work to Lower Ketamine Prices in Philadelphia

A gram of recreational ketamine, which was sold for a mere nickel on Locust Walk back in 1970, now goes for at least $300, and that’s only if you supplement your dealer with a blowie.


UTB Investigates: Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar?

Late last night, an unimaginable crime was committed.  UTB will investigate, ‘til there’s but one left un-acquitted.  The cookie jar whom stood proudly on Gutmann’s desk has been emptied—depleted by an unruly pest. 


Uh-Oh! Flooding in Germany Suddenly Gutmann’s Problem

Despite the flooding tragedy, Gutmann is ready to hit the ground running—or swimming—and solve some problems.


Devil Incarnate! Why Welcome Home Balloons Haunt Me

Your heart beats in your ears; you see its shadow projected on the door ahead; your mouth goes dry. You are not alone. You remain still—silent—while you turn your neck slowly; your eyes widen as you see the horror behind you —WELCOME HOME.



"No, SWIRL Cone Please." "For the Last Time Ma’am, We Are Out of Chocolate Ice Cream"

"Hello, welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?" Those sacred words made my heart leap. I had been waiting for them all day. 


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