Wharton student, Anthony Quill '22, has recently qualified for Olympic track and field after an impressive Netflix marathon time of 4 days, 6 hours, 23 minutes, and 44 seconds.

Bloody assholes deserve bloody Mary’s.

Listen. I'm sure there's news today. But I don't get paid to write here, and honestly, I'm getting sick of everyone always asking me to report on things that I don't care about.

Measure all you want, but a small penis is a small penis.

She proceeded to listen to Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean three times. Within 10 minutes, she upped and died.

Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware! 

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a kid looking to defend my freedoms. My mom said I had to clean my room, but Thomas Jefferson said I didn't have to."

After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.

Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.

So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.

For one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool new friend: Mom. 

"Sue, I do not love you to the moon and back. Do you know how far that is?! Do you know how long that would take to travel?"

Never go back to high school. Once you escape that place, run.

This white man truly does not discriminate at all! 

Women over 45 worldwide closed their eyes on Saturday night, oblivious to the fragility of their existence, and awoke Sunday morning fluent in Portuguese. 

"Yeah, she would not stop doing poppers that night," Ryan's other gay friend Josh Compas (C '21) told us, "We were like, 'what are you doing,' but she just kept chanting 'hashtag queen shit' over and over, and then I said, 'it's literally Pride Month, Nicole,' and she was like, 'exactly.'"

Your key to a genuine conversation this Father's Day!

"I don't know what happened, but those kids are little monsters," said Mr. Jackson in an interview, "now I understand what that phrase 'too much of a good thing' means." 

Get ready to gobble and slurp your Daddy’s cummies at Hillel this fall!

Is Bo Burnham God’s gift to comedy? According to Jacob from your writing seminar, that answer is a resounding “yes”.