Cool! Second Year Orientation Just Safe Sex Puppet Show
Held from 8:30-10:00 pm on the first Friday Night of NSO, this mandatory event is going to be a crowd favorite.
News
Wow! Virtual Internship Just as Helpful as Virtual School
The study looked at statistics such as the percentage of participants whose camera is on, daily time spent on work/school, skills acquired, and overall participant enjoyment to inform the educated and mathematical assessment.
Cool! Second Year Orientation Just Safe Sex Puppet Show
Held from 8:30-10:00 pm on the first Friday Night of NSO, this mandatory event is going to be a crowd favorite.
Alarming! Mom and Dad Really Belt Billy Joel During Family Road Trip
A few songs in, the whole car was really jamming. Then... it happened. Track 5 was Uptown Girl, Dad's favorite song on the CD. Boy, did he let it rip.
Wow! Virtual Internship Just as Helpful as Virtual School
The study looked at statistics such as the percentage of participants whose camera is on, daily time spent on work/school, skills acquired, and overall participant enjoyment to inform the educated and mathematical assessment.
Student Skips Summer Bod, Goes Straight to Winter Bod
"It's not like I was planning on going to the beach or anything because of COVID, but I'm also not one to sit around. I get restless and always need to be actively doing something, so I figured I get a head start on sculpting my post-Thanksgiving figure."
Elvira, "Mistress of the Dark," Named as New President of University of Pennsylvania
While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.
Junior Who Had 8 Months on Campus Excited to Claim Superiority Over Baby Underclassmen
Since the seniors are checked out, and nobody else has really been to campus, it seems like juniors are going to rule the school.
Cool! Fall Edition of Quake Magazine Just Furry Porn
Get ready to see some graphic shit.
UTB Investigates: Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar?
Late last night, an unimaginable crime was committed. UTB will investigate, ‘til there’s but one left un-acquitted. The cookie jar whom stood proudly on Gutmann’s desk has been emptied—depleted by an unruly pest.
Uh-Oh! Flooding in Germany Suddenly Gutmann’s Problem
Despite the flooding tragedy, Gutmann is ready to hit the ground running—or swimming—and solve some problems.
Quirky! Teen Posts Photo Dump Of Most Aesthetically Pleasing Shits She’s Taken This Month
Felt cute, might shit later.
Wharton Student Qualifies for Olympic Track and Field After Impressive Netflix Marathon
Wharton student, Anthony Quill '22, has recently qualified for Olympic track and field after an impressive Netflix marathon time of 4 days, 6 hours, 23 minutes, and 44 seconds.
UPenn Bottoms Protest White Dog’s Bottomless Brunch
Bloody assholes deserve bloody Mary’s.
BREAKING: I Didn't Ask For This Life
Listen. I'm sure there's news today. But I don't get paid to write here, and honestly, I'm getting sick of everyone always asking me to report on things that I don't care about.
Analytical King! Craig Marked Growth of Penis on Family’s Living Room Door Frame
Measure all you want, but a small penis is a small penis.
Tragic! Area Woman Dies After 10-Minute Male Attention Withdrawal
She proceeded to listen to Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean three times. Within 10 minutes, she upped and died.
The United States of Under the Button Declares Independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian
Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware!
Little Timmy Claims “Freedom of the Pursuit of Happiness,” Avoids Cleaning Room
"I'm not a hero. I'm just a kid looking to defend my freedoms. My mom said I had to clean my room, but Thomas Jefferson said I didn't have to."
Breaking: Gutmann Sets Sights on Gentrifying Germany Next
After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.
Going Out With A Bang! Gutmann Sells Stouffer College House To Old Wizard For Seven Rubles
Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.
Branding Shift! New Penn Bookstore Promotion Advertises 2-For-1 Colostomy Bag Deal
So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.
