Penn Administration Cancels Semester After Learning Coronavirus Still Actually Exists
The decision reportedly comes after Amy Gutmann watched the news and learned that the coronavirus hadn't just "sorta gone away."
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Practical! Penn Expects Big Money From Student Tuition and HUP Medical Bills This Fall
"The thought of how many exorbitantly-priced medical bills we’re going to be able to hit students, professors, facility workers, and West Philly community members with this fall, frankly, makes me start salivating,” confirmed the chairman of Penn's Board of Trustees.
Penn Administration Cancels Semester After Learning Coronavirus Still Actually Exists
The decision reportedly comes after Amy Gutmann watched the news and learned that the coronavirus hadn't just "sorta gone away."
Breaking: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here
This is a closing time reference!
Practical! Penn Expects Big Money From Student Tuition and HUP Medical Bills This Fall
"The thought of how many exorbitantly-priced medical bills we’re going to be able to hit students, professors, facility workers, and West Philly community members with this fall, frankly, makes me start salivating,” confirmed the chairman of Penn's Board of Trustees.
TikTok Ban Does More For National Security Than CIA in Past 70 Years
“It’ll definitely be more effective than anything we’ve done before, like propping up oppressive military dictatorships, funding and supplying terrorists, and attempting coups on sovereign nations.”
Penn Dining Publishes 23 Step Process Required to Cancel Meal Plan
Each step is revealed one at a time, forcing students to complete them in order from 1 to 23. Only after all 23 steps have been completed will a student's meal plan be canceled.
Travelocity Fires Gnome Leaving Him No Way to Pay for His Drug Addiction.
The ongoing pandemic has affected people all over the world, but no one seems to have been hit quite as hard as the Travelocity Gnome. Due to intense travel restrictions, Travelocity has been forced to make cutbacks, including laying off their spokesperson, the famous globetrotting garden gnome.
Penn Provides Free COVID Testing (Included with all Purchases $80,000 or More)
Coming to a school near YOU for THIS FALL ONLY, you can get your VERY OWN COVID-19 testing kit for FREE! Every Penn student will be provided with no less than TWO free COVID-19 testing kits prior to the start of the fall semester!
New COVID Guidelines Asking All Students to Return to Campus and Sit Very, Very Still
The administration is doubling down on asking students to return to campus with, “open hearts, a desire for fun, and a desire, but no commitment, to staying absolutely motionless for a considerable amount of time in accordance with our compact.”
Students Upset That There Will Be No Virtual Halal Truck
Penn has already moved lectures, recitations, NSO, and other activities online. However, Penn has not been able to find a method to move halal trucks online.
California Earthquake is Start of Doomsday
"Well, strictly speaking, er — scientifically I mean, this is in fact the beginning of the apocalypse. We should have been paying more attention in early March when the plague rained down on us. The good news is at this point, so much has happened this year, it's less of an apocalypse and more of a mercy killing."
BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Not Returning to Campus for Fall Semester
Citing financial reasons, she claimed that being on campus was too expensive considering her current measly salary without financial aid. Based on calculations run by her administration, she would be able to save much more money staying in a vacation home in Florida.
I Joined a Cult: Now I Want to Go Back to Campus
In the midst of my musings, the realization that my doubts were sinful hit me. I immediately sought to repent. I drove to campus to confess my wrongdoing and seek forgiveness. As I, sweaty and tired from the drive, pounded on the gates of The Honorable President Gutmann's estate, I was delivered. She arrived.
Party Girl Jessica Has "Officially Retired" From Drinking for the Fifth Time This Year
It’s not even like a coronavirus problem. It’s just a me problem. Parties just aren’t as fun as they used to be. Once you wake up after blacking out in someone’s room for the fifth time in a week you really start to wonder what you’re doing, you know?
University Admits "Hybrid Experience" a Typo, Should Have Been "Online"
While of course, safety comes first and I would never want professors teaching in-person if they weren't comfortable with it, I was struggling to see how the University could call the fall semester a hybrid experience. Fortunately, I was able to interview President Gutmann and now, it all makes sense to me!
Tired of Sitting at Home, Students Excited to Sit in Dorm
“I definitely need a change of scenery,” said Cofield, “Instead of wasting away in my house, I’d much rather waste away in my Domus apartment that I didn’t pay for. Time really does go fast when your brain is dripping out of your ears and nose.”
BREAKING: Penn Announces That I'll Be Living in a Literal Dumpster
All of my friends have been assigned rooms in actual dorms. Honestly, I felt kinda bad for them. They kept going on and on about how "I have a kitchen now" and I didn't have the heart to point out that living in a dumpster is like living with an all you can eat buffet
Adult Auditors Still Awaiting New Housing Assignments Too, Guys
While rising seniors are struggling with the uncertainty, Penn’s star-studded squad of super super seniors is taking it even harder.
6 Goya Bean Alternatives: A Photo Essay
It's like, you still kinda need beans and such, but you also kinda need to live in a country with moral standards and such. I bean there, girl. Lucky for you, I've compiled this list of 6 Goya alternatives to balance out your dual needs for beans and freedom.
Penn Sells Student Belongings to Pay Off Budget Deficit
Student dorms were raided for their packed up belongings and anything of value was sacrificed to the University. In the end, over a thousand Canada Goose jackets were collected, raising close to a million dollars for the University. Next, alcohol was collected and resold to the nearby frats that are prepping for the largest social gatherings they’ve ever had come fall.
Trump Threatens to Cut Education Funding Because He Cares About Education
“I care about our children’s education,” said President Trump. “It’s so important, it’s a matter of life or death.”
