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'This Club's Actually Pretty Boring,' Scoffs Junior Who Applied 6 Times Before Getting In

Some students define themselves by the clubs they’re part of. Not so with Anna May (E ‘19). Upon entering Penn, she knew that the Squirrel Protection Society (SPS) would be her home for the four years to come.


After Successful Visit From Exterminator, Student Buys Pet Mouse to Fill the Void

When Caroline Jimenez (W '19)  saw a rodent scurry boldly across her kitchen floor one evening this semester, she did what any concerned renter would do: call up her landlord and put in a maintenance request for traps.


This Master Barterer Traded up From a Ferrari to a Pool Party Wristband

“I thought to myself, ‘I wonder how far I can take this?’” Michaels said.


4 Milks that Say ‘I’m Not Lactose Intolerant, I’m From Los Angeles’

If you are looking to complicate the life of your local barista, here are four milks that scream ‘I’m gastrointestinally stable, but God forbid I be left out of the wellness revolution.


56% of University Professors Felt CupcakKe Said ‘Vagina’ One Too Many Times

The study also found that 72% of professors listening were viscerally upset by the lyrics describing CupcakKe as “warm and melted.”


Fight Breaks out Between Jehovah’s Witnesses and Street Preachers on Top of the Button

Last Tuesday, an apocalyptic battle between Jehovah’s Witnesses and the street preachers broke out on top of the button, resulting in the deaths of at least three squirrels who were killed in the crossfire. 


Freshman Thinking Up Excuses to Miss Lecture Realizes No One Actually Cares if He Skips

Malcolm Jacobs (C ‘21) had a rough night. After taking one too many shots of Burnett’s, Jacobs woke up with a bucket of vomit by his bed and a load of regrets in his head. There was no way he was going to be able to attend his 9 a.m. Physics lecture.


Hip Penn Grandmother Sends Newspaper Clippings on How to Deal With Never-Ending Torrents of Anxiety and Depression

Always trying to adjust to the times, Penn grandmother Bess Walderstein is sure that her weekly envelope of newspaper clippings to her grandson, Connor (W '20), is relevant and helpful to his life at Penn.


Fling Concert Projected to Hit 50 Artists by 2030

This year, SPEC chose to bring four artists to Fling in a controversial move that several close friends of SPEC leadership lauded as "brave and innovative." However, our data analysts at Under the Button believe that this is simply the first step in a troubling trend.


​Prospective Freshman's Dinner With Parents Interrupted by 'Deepthroat' by CupcakKe

“Hump me, fuck me! Daddy better make me choke!” came bursting in through the cafe. Deborah Williams choked and gagged on her honey smoked turkey breast on ciabatta.


This Environmental Studies Major Wants You to Know He UberPools to Class

Unlike less eco-conscious Penn students, Environmental Studies sophomore David Friedman is doing his part to save our planet. “It’s disgusting how much waste we produce on campus,” Friedman said. “It’s time to make a change.”


'Help Me Penn Student, You're My Only Hope' Pleads Hologram Dean Furda in New Quaker Days Initiative

“Between the emails we send, the flyers that we hand out, and the skywriting we've done, we really don't know how to engage with the student body,“ an admissions spokesperson told UTB in an email.


Amy Gutmann To Have Campus Conversation with Tyga, IceJJFish, Carly Rae Jepsen, and the All-American Rejects

The topic of conversation has yet to be decided, and there is criticism as to how cohesive the talk will be, but event organizer Charles Johnson (W ’19) was quick to explain his reasoning with the choices.


'Trust the Process,' Yells Sixers Fan Planning to Tank All Finals

Reynolds has taken the 76ers’ path success a bit too seriously. He intends to tank all of his finals in a few weeks. Haters will say it’s because Reynolds is incompetent, but he told us otherwise.


Fling Alternatives: Come Listen to Fall Out Boy in Warwick 107 Tonight at 8

Koenig’s roommate moved out in November because the dorm was allegedly “too lit,” so there’s plenty of space for the entire student body.


Study: Roommate Who's Been Meal Prepping All Semester 'Slightly Better Than You As A Person'

At the start, you’re really proud of the $3.78 you’re spending on every meal, but by your fourth day of chicken breast and brown rice you’re already craving a burger from Copa.


​Chef Rick Bayless Is AirDropping Pictures of Guacamole to Strangers On Locust Walk

Turn off Bluetooth on your phone right now. Multiple sources are reporting that Chef Rick Bayless, the iconic restauranteur behind Tortas Frontera, is AirDropping pictures of fresh guacamole to random students as they pass down Locust Walk.


Last Call! Pick Up Your HUP Wristband From MERT at Saxbys From 3-5 p.m.

Fling has flung!!! Stop by Saxbys to pick up your HUP wristband and save time in the emergency room this weekend.


Meet the Tens of Students Who Are Secretly Excited for The All-American Rejects

It might have something to do with the fact that the student body is made up of over 10,000 undergraduates; however, these twenty-plus anonymous students are here, and they demand representation.


Pre-med Student Banking on No One Staying Home and Studying During Fling in for a Shock

“Thirteen weeks out of a fifteen week semester?” she scoffed to our reporter “13/15 isn’t even a B+ in most of my classes.”


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