Some students define themselves by the clubs they’re part of. Not so with Anna May (E ‘19). Upon entering Penn, she knew that the Squirrel Protection Society (SPS) would be her home for the four years to come.

When Caroline Jimenez (W '19)  saw a rodent scurry boldly across her kitchen floor one evening this semester, she did what any concerned renter would do: call up her landlord and put in a maintenance request for traps.

“I thought to myself, ‘I wonder how far I can take this?’” Michaels said.

If you are looking to complicate the life of your local barista, here are four milks that scream ‘I’m gastrointestinally stable, but God forbid I be left out of the wellness revolution.

The study also found that 72% of professors listening were viscerally upset by the lyrics describing CupcakKe as “warm and melted.”

Last Tuesday, an apocalyptic battle between Jehovah’s Witnesses and the street preachers broke out on top of the button, resulting in the deaths of at least three squirrels who were killed in the crossfire. 

Malcolm Jacobs (C ‘21) had a rough night. After taking one too many shots of Burnett’s, Jacobs woke up with a bucket of vomit by his bed and a load of regrets in his head. There was no way he was going to be able to attend his 9 a.m. Physics lecture.

Always trying to adjust to the times, Penn grandmother Bess Walderstein is sure that her weekly envelope of newspaper clippings to her grandson, Connor (W '20), is relevant and helpful to his life at Penn.

This year, SPEC chose to bring four artists to Fling in a controversial move that several close friends of SPEC leadership lauded as "brave and innovative." However, our data analysts at Under the Button believe that this is simply the first step in a troubling trend.

“Hump me, fuck me! Daddy better make me choke!” came bursting in through the cafe. Deborah Williams choked and gagged on her honey smoked turkey breast on ciabatta.

Unlike less eco-conscious Penn students, Environmental Studies sophomore David Friedman is doing his part to save our planet. “It’s disgusting how much waste we produce on campus,” Friedman said. “It’s time to make a change.”

“Between the emails we send, the flyers that we hand out, and the skywriting we've done, we really don't know how to engage with the student body,“ an admissions spokesperson told UTB in an email.

The topic of conversation has yet to be decided, and there is criticism as to how cohesive the talk will be, but event organizer Charles Johnson (W ’19) was quick to explain his reasoning with the choices.

Reynolds has taken the 76ers’ path success a bit too seriously. He intends to tank all of his finals in a few weeks. Haters will say it’s because Reynolds is incompetent, but he told us otherwise.

Koenig’s roommate moved out in November because the dorm was allegedly “too lit,” so there’s plenty of space for the entire student body.

At the start, you’re really proud of the $3.78 you’re spending on every meal, but by your fourth day of chicken breast and brown rice you’re already craving a burger from Copa.

Turn off Bluetooth on your phone right now. Multiple sources are reporting that Chef Rick Bayless, the iconic restauranteur behind Tortas Frontera, is AirDropping pictures of fresh guacamole to random students as they pass down Locust Walk.

Fling has flung!!! Stop by Saxbys to pick up your HUP wristband and save time in the emergency room this weekend.

It might have something to do with the fact that the student body is made up of over 10,000 undergraduates; however, these twenty-plus anonymous students are here, and they demand representation.

“Thirteen weeks out of a fifteen week semester?” she scoffed to our reporter “13/15 isn’t even a B+ in most of my classes.”