Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

News


Report: 9/10 Students Sitting on College Green Have Ants Crawling Up Their Butts

East-Coasters everywhere rejoice! While Californians are still complaining about how cold it is outside, Alaskans and pretentious Canadians alike are setting their air conditioners to -60 degrees. Not everybody can be happy with perfect 70 degree weather, apparently. But hey, at least it’s not snowing in the middle of spring!


Passionate Professor Gets Teary-Eyed About The Death of Abraham Lincoln As the Whole Class Fully Browses Facebook

Timothy Dean is a tenured history professor with an unmatched knowledge and passion for Civil War studies. In his free time, he does pretty much nothing besides watch Ken Burns documentaries about the American South and crafting charcoal portraits of Abraham Lincoln. 


Wow! This Cool and Alternative Student Thinks There Are Too Many Starbucks On Campus

“There are too many Starbucks shops on campus,” Alms said boldly. “It came to me in a dream—this thought. While everyone else is out there following the herd, mobile ordering their Caramel Macchiatos, I’ll be out here alone, in search of something better.”


Huntsman Student With Target Language in Russian Now Has to Live in Russia Next Semester

Meet Ali Johnson, a freshman from the Upper East Side of Manhattan and a young intellectual in the Huntsman Program in International Studies and Business. For a variety of reasons related to international affairs, Johnson decided that her target language would be Russian.


Study Shows Even the Least Motivated Penn Students Will Run Tomorrow’s World

Earlier this week, Penn researchers announced the conclusion of a seminal, twenty-year, longitudinal study about the outcomes of Penn graduates.


BREAKING: Every Woman You Know Has Changed Her Name To ‘Katie’

Three days ago, Philadelphia courts were overflowing with an influx of women aged 18-24 interested not in appealing their speeding tickets or renewing their passports, but in simultaneously changing their names to “Katie.”


Innovative! College Sophomore Is Constantly Brewing Kombucha in Her Asshole

We caught up with Williams to find out what inspired her to embark on this sacred journey. She said the inspiration came when she saw a scoby, the bacteria that ferments in this fungal beverage, and thought, “I wonder what that would feel like if I put it up my butt.” From there, her discovery has made history.


Penn Professor Told His Students to 'Pursue Their Dreams' in Apparent Violation of U. Policy

Waters' alleged behavior directly violated University policy, which explicitly states that the encouragement of careers other than finance and consulting are prohibited.


‘I Can't Wait To Escape Penn's Toxic Environment This Summer,' Says Student Who's Living in House On Sansom

College freshman Cynthia Clark was thrilled to get a research position at Penn this summer, but she soon became worried about staying in the oft stressful, frequently competitive environment of Penn all summer. 


Experimental Poetry Seminar Has Surprisingly Fruitful Class Session on 4/20

In a shocking turn of events, the class proved to be one of the most insightful and probing discussions of the semester.


​Passive Roommate Declares Individualized Major in Chef and Maid

A common trend across all of Penn's undergraduate schools is that students tend to change their mind about what they want to study. Some start off in Engineering and switch into the College, while others come in as English majors and end up doing chemistry. This Wharton student has a similar story.


​Jewish Frat Mistaken For Hip-Hop Dance Group Due To Matching Sweatpants

Uh oh! This guy thought a Jewish fraternity was a hip-hop dance troupe just because the members were wearing matching, tailored sweatpants!


Street Preacher Successfully Converts Two Tour Groups to Pentecostalism

Often seen shouting obscenities and threatening women, the street preacher rarely persuades many students. However, two groups of prospective students touring Penn found his unique brand of radical Christianity and millennialism enticing enough to join his small fundamentalist cult.


3 Types of Yarn You Can Knit This Summer While All Your Friends Are Interning at Hedge Funds

You probably know that a ton of your friends will be spending their summers in the Big Apple working in finance. Lucky for you, you have nothing to do at all from June until August! It is only fitting that you take up a new and exciting hobby.


BREAKING: Biopond Turtles Feel Incredible Today

Today is a really good day to be a biopond turtle.


Penn Students Now Bandwagon Fans of Every Philadelphia Sports Team Except the Phillies

“I’ve been a fan of the ‘Sixers since Dr. J joined the team in ‘76,” Wharton freshman Billy Hayes said. “Been trusting the process all along, and it’s finally starting to pay off.”


New Deli at Franklin's Table Bites the Bullet and Names Itself 'Product of Gentrification'

Franklin’s Table recently opened at 36th and Walnut, and it has already drawn criticism from the Penn community for its steep prices and inaccessibility to locals.


​Fraternity Filthy Rushes Class of 2022

Fraternity rush is competitive. There is only a finite number of perfectly preppy boys to go around. That’s why this year some brothers have been going to Quaker Days, where they are on the lookout for any future students that have that to-be swagger.


​Fate of Entire Evening Left Up to Copa ID Scanner

Kathleen Grover (C ’21) and her friends were so excited when the IDGod order shipped. They couldn’t wait to hit up every happy hour at Copa and Distrito.


Penn to Install Air Conditioners On All Incoming Freshmen, Saving Millions In Renovations

Right after accepting the Class of 2022, the Penn administration dropped a policy bombshell: starting this fall, all incoming freshmen will have state-of-the-art air conditioners installed directly on their persons. Incredible!


PennConnects