Despite disrespecting his home state, community, and immediate family last year by hopping on the Eagles bandwagon, College junior Johnny Sullivan thinks that he can publicize his #PatsNation pride this cycle without anyone calling him out on his bullshit.

“Even though the IFC always suggested a trip to the Penn Museum, for some reason I assumed it wouldn’t be as fun as going to New York or Atlantic City"

When asked whether it was morally responsible to assemble an entire building made out of foreign currencies, gold bars, and the Bitcoin Penn bought, Gutmann lit a Cuban cigar with the second mortgages of struggling Penn parents and told UTB that she “doesn’t speak broke.” 

Hey, guys. I don’t want to disrupt anyone, but it’s time to drop what you’re doing and clean up your fucking mess.

This impressive figure surely comes as a relief to the Admissions department after they embarrassingly disclosed that they’re unable to fact-check most applications.

“We feel like our customers are already onboard with our message of ‘nature without the dirt,’ and so we felt that this would be another great way for consumers to feel like they might as well be contributing to a good cause."

Ja Rule assured architects and builders earlier this week via a screenshot of the Notes app in an email that "this building is NOT A SCAM as everyone is reporting."

When appraisers first noticed the 11 inch by 11.5 inch rectangle of grassy dirt, the University community was shocked to learn that something like that still existed.

Bursts of hot pink and purple light suddenly beat down upon Fitzgerald as her desire – nay – NEED to spoil her friends with her riches overwhelmed her petite body.

The league is looking for folks who have three to six horses and three friends who also have three to six horses.

Since when does being unaffiliated with Greek life also mean being inconsiderate?

"Good news was I finished my homework. Bad news was, I failed the class and missed all of winter break."

Believing the sign to actually signify that all drugs on campus were free and, perhaps, even provided to students, Caulfield immediately set his sights on the school.

We convinced him that we’re all going to be somewhere between homeless and disowned after graduation. I think Mattie’s got this great story about a felony conviction.

Ja Rule simply stated that Fling 2019 will be "Fyre."

Once this policy is in place, any patrons who have not enrolled in two-step verification will be unable to access Smokey Joe's or utilize any of its resources. Violations are punishable by I.D. bend and permanent banishment.

In that moment we were so thirsty and feeling so naughty that we knew that we had to steal it or else we would literally combust.

And who's this running in from the back? Why, none other than President Amy Gutmann, a permanent job contract resting in her hand. “You’ve done our Penn community well, Brandon,” Gutmann said with a smile.

In the spirit of giving, UTB is here to help you d-bags out. It was hard to narrow down the five best windows out of the 1,366,475 windows on campus, but after great deliberation we have compiled a list.

Gutmann and the Board of Trustees have sought to boost erotica consumption through the Power of Porn campaign.