“We felt like these were very complicated times, so to help put students at ease, we’ve decided to simplify the stored belongings process.”

Some may say that an SAT tutoring company is not a startup, but a group-of-students-that-made-an-account-with-Squarespace doesn't have the same ring to it. 

"I keep a countdown of days until Labor Day like most people keep countdowns until Christmas," Jeremy explained. "One pesky little virus isn't going to stop me from enjoying the holiday I love." 

“You mean to tell me that her eager, cheerful, and studious demeanor was nothing more than a facade to obscure the odious and slothful beast lying within?” Amy Knox (C ‘23) asked in disbelief. “But she always volunteers first whenever the professor asks a question!”

So what if I’m stuck at home with overbearing parents, shitty wifi, and the inability to go beyond my backyard?

Steffey, a former Rodin resident who feels more at home with empty calories in one hand and a canister of high-fructose corn syrup in the other, has struggled to stomach his new meal plan.

Costello did not respond to a request from Under the Button for comment. Those close to Costello say she wasn't surprised by the news and, felt that something like this was coming.   

 After months of practice and training, College junior Damian Trout set the world record for “Most Cans of La Croix consumed in a day” at 241 cans.  

As the only brother with access to weights, Jacob was now a god among now-emaciated men. 

The decision reportedly comes after Amy Gutmann watched the news and learned that the coronavirus hadn't just "sorta gone away."  

This is a closing time reference! 

"The thought of how many exorbitantly-priced medical bills we’re going to be able to hit students, professors, facility workers, and West Philly community members with this fall, frankly, makes me start salivating,” confirmed the chairman of Penn's Board of Trustees. 

“It’ll definitely be more effective than anything we’ve done before, like propping up oppressive military dictatorships, funding and supplying  terrorists, and attempting coups on sovereign nations.”  

Each step is revealed one at a time, forcing students to complete them in order from 1 to 23. Only after all 23 steps have been completed will a student's meal plan be canceled.

The ongoing pandemic has affected people all over the world, but no one seems to have been hit quite as hard as the Travelocity Gnome. Due to intense travel restrictions, Travelocity has been forced to make cutbacks, including laying off their spokesperson, the famous globetrotting garden gnome.

Coming to a school near YOU for THIS FALL ONLY, you can get your VERY OWN COVID-19 testing kit for FREE! Every Penn student will be provided with no less than TWO free COVID-19 testing kits prior to the start of the fall semester!

The administration is doubling down on asking students to return to campus with, “open hearts, a desire for fun, and a desire, but no commitment, to staying absolutely motionless for a considerable amount of time in accordance with our compact.”

Penn has already moved lectures, recitations, NSO, and other activities online. However, Penn has not been able to find a method to move halal trucks online. 

"Well, strictly speaking, er — scientifically I mean, this is in fact the beginning of the apocalypse. We should have been paying more attention in early March when the plague rained down on us. The good news is at this point, so much has happened this year, it's less of an apocalypse and more of a mercy killing."

Citing financial reasons, she claimed that being on campus was too expensive considering her current measly salary without financial aid. Based on calculations run by her administration, she would be able to save much more money staying in a vacation home in Florida.