Class of 2026 Excited to be First Customers at Steve's Prince of Steaks
The leading theory is that they’re playing a game of restaurant hide and seek so they keep the lights off so no one can see them.
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Actuary Science Professor Cancels Final Because he will be Dead Then
Spending every day calculating the odds of death and disaster can make the world seem like a dark and depressing place.
Class of 2026 Excited to be First Customers at Steve's Prince of Steaks
The leading theory is that they’re playing a game of restaurant hide and seek so they keep the lights off so no one can see them.
BREAKING: Wait...Did You Forget About Penn Dhamaka?
Uh huh you know what it is: PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka.
Actuary Science Professor Cancels Final Because he will be Dead Then
Spending every day calculating the odds of death and disaster can make the world seem like a dark and depressing place.
Fall Win! Boy Who Wears the Same Hoodie Every Day Can 'Finally Start Dressing'
Now that fall is officially upon us, that guy who wears the same Adidas hoodie every day can “finally start dressing.”
Hysteria in Bathroom: Freshman Can’t Find Start of Toilet Paper
“The roll just spun,” Kraper recalls, painfully, “Around and around. There was no end. There was no beginning. It spun and spun, like the repeating days of my life. An endless cycle, indistinguishable, unrecognizable. Time blurs into a haze.”
We Counted: Fisher Fine Arts Library Only Has Four (4) Books
Have you ever looked up a book on Franklin only to find that it’s located in Fisher Fine Arts? No? That’s because they have exactly four (4) (fɔr/fɔː) books within their walls.
Penn Football Suffers Crushing Defeat, Distracted By Newer, Hotter Quaker
After having undergone intensive plastic surgery, the Penn Quaker is no longer the terrifying behemoth that athletes and fans have come to know and love.
Quirky Gizmo on Roommate's Desk Looking Really Enticing
There it is, sitting on his desk. That thing.
BREAKING: You Are Now Breathing Manually
You are now responsible for this vital and (usually) subconscious process, and you're hating every second of it.
Arts Group Performance Looks Very Fun for Them
Just 15 minutes into the show, one thing was clear to me and everyone in the audience, these guys were having fun.
Student Event Photographer in Custody of the IRS
Sources have reported Du’s annual income as an event photographer to be upwards of 50,000 dollars. Liam Dello (E ‘21), a close friend of Du’s, said, in reality, it could be much, much more. “Evan would never tell anyone how much he’s really making. Why do you think he’s about to go down for tax evasion? He’s hiding something,” Dello said. “He started calling his consulting job at BCG his side hustle. That’s when I knew he was in too deep.”
Intense Love Affair Blossoming Between Anonymous Ferret and Anonymous Manatee in Shared Google Doc
When Anonymous Ferret added a comment asking whether the hippocampus or the amygdala was more important in the formation of fear conditioning, and the Manatee — a marine mammal known for its high intellect and romantic inclinations — responded, “ur hot."
No Roommate Agreement Necessary: This Suite Lives and Dies by the Mayflower Compact
“This is our Plymouth.”
Freshman Used the Fisher-Bennett Elevator, but He Wasn’t Going to 4
Eye-witnesses were shocked as to what they saw, and even the elevator has gone on record to ask “really dude? It’s just one flight.”
Personality Quiz! Will You Be the Heir to Amy Gutmann’s Throne?
Are you an eccentric older woman? Are you an eccentric younger woman, looking to be an eccentric older woman?
Wharton Kid Reassures Local Stabbing Victim That the Market Will Take Care of It
His backpack, said to have carried most of his life savings in cash, was stolen as well.
Professor Riding High of Student's Polite Chuckle All Day
Filson could be seen strutting around campus with a self-satisfied grin, offering to re-tell the joke.
American Public Schools to Offer Big Mouth as Health Ed. Replacement
While Big Mouth was surely developed to be watched in private by ad audience of frustrated adults who never received proper health education, its purpose is being shifted this week to the source of the epidemic: kids who never received proper health ed.
The Buddha Came Home from His Nepalese Gap Year and Won’t Shut up About Buddhism
Gautama decided to escape his hometown and spend a year in a rural Nepalese village after growing sick of privileged palace life. There, Gautama shaved his hippie locks, spent his time living with the locals, and truly understanding his responsibility as a global citizen.
Penn Females Boycott Parties, Shutting down Ratios and Party Culture
“I just need a female to come with me to a party so I can get in,” said Engineering freshman Lars Arshul. “I genuinely enjoy a female’s company, and I’m totally not using her as a tool for my own enjoyment or anything.”
