There's no way I'm gonna be able to get it done, considering I've been on the toilet for the past 13 hours.

Although students without seats could bypass Wong by crawling over him and his luggage, his territory went unchallenged for the duration of the lecture due to his musky smell and greasy appearance.

"This is just what we do now. After catching that local criminal, we were ready to take on a larger challenge.  And that’s exactly what we did.” Throughout our interview, Despereaux licked what appeared to be blood off of a large machete, which, according to the professor, “has severed its fair share of drug lord limbs.”

Her pixie cut isn’t the identity crisis you think it is.

As of last week, Amazon pulled out of their HQ2 plans for Queens, closing off anticipated job opportunities for many. So, basically, as of last week, senior Whartonite Jeremy Anders’ life was ruined.

Earlier that day, he sat down to speed watch his lecture for his exam only to find it loudly interrupted periodically by a side conversation of two boys in the back.

“I came in here for a roll of toilet paper, but then I saw that face masks were on sale, and after that it’s a blur.” 

Five minutes into the first class, he could already tell what was on students' minds — that they were in a class with a professor who won a Pulitzer back in ‘82.

Along with using lots of Tupperware, Jenny is extending this mindset to other aspects of her life.

The conversation should last for around 15 or 20 minutes, depending how much mileage the two can squeeze out of their initial weather conversation.

"Hinata is so beautiful and we have great chemistry, but Sawako is such a good friend and so fun to dance with.”

You know one thing for sure: no matter what happens, you will not be getting hard tonight.

"Since I don’t inhale, the more times I take a smoke break or short walk around the block, the more fit I’m getting."

Here's the scenario: after throwing an absolutely bangin' mixer last night, you come downstairs to assess the carnage.

While most research suggests that consuming alcohol in any amount is detrimental to a person’s health, Adkins feels it’s her duty to make the most of college, be it in the form of tequila on Tuesdays, Sink or Swim on Wednesdays, or drinking her weight on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. 

He is experiencing an unparalleled amount of drive that he had not yet embodied during his time at Penn: he must make it on to the Smoke’s plaque.

"I’ll do a ten-mile run in full uniform, but do you know what’s on the walls of those showers? Neither do I, and I’m not about to risk it.”

The History Department tweeted "There just aren't that many important women in history. Sorry feminists." in August of 2011. Like many of its tweets, the post did not garner significant reactions. It has since been deleted.

Gillison entered Penn this past fall full of energy... Now, he looks more like a professor than a student.

Kauffman intended to be in and out of the store in under 10 minutes.