College Econ Major Explains Benefits of Liberal Arts Education to Goldman Sachs Recruiter
Paul Hardy (C ‘20) came to college seeking an interdisciplinary education, but he was also interested in the economy and wanted to pursue a career in finance
News
Wow! 18-Year-Old's Cutting OP-ED Sure to Keep Penn Admins Up at Night
Irene Sard (C ‘21) doesn’t hold her punches.
College Econ Major Explains Benefits of Liberal Arts Education to Goldman Sachs Recruiter
Paul Hardy (C ‘20) came to college seeking an interdisciplinary education, but he was also interested in the economy and wanted to pursue a career in finance
'It's Senior Year, I Don't Care About School Anymore!' Says Student Who Pulled All-Nighter in VP Last Night
Senior year: the year of lasts, firsts, parties, and the impending doom of transitioning into a somewhat functioning adult.
Wow! 18-Year-Old's Cutting OP-ED Sure to Keep Penn Admins Up at Night
Irene Sard (C ‘21) doesn’t hold her punches.
Professor Cancels Class Due to Sadness Over Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande Breakup
Students in BIOL 213: Essentials of Vertebrate Physiology woke up to a pleasant surprise Wednesday morning.
Spooky! Half the People at This Party Have Hand Foot Mouth Disease but We Won’t Say Who
Fall is coming to an end with winter right around the corner, and you know what that means— Halloween szn is here! Every house, club, and frat is ready to throw the freakiest get togethers of the season. None will be more spooky than the upcoming Halloween party at ΒΩΩ.
Watch Out: Sophomore to Lead NOAA After Mentioning He 'Can’t Remember the Last Time October Was This Warm'
Move over OCR, and make room for OAR (Office of Oceanic and Atmospheric Research).
Junior With 2.6 GPA Wonders If New Haircut Costing Her Opportunities At Career Fair
Sally May (C ‘20) was spotted walking from the University City Sheraton Hotel back to her dorm in the high rises, sporting a tasteful, slightly longer than shoulder-length bob, a well-tailored black pantsuit, and the distinct look of having failed to impress a single recruiter.
SHS to Begin Offering Vaccine for 'Freshman Plague'
Inspired by the recent record turnout for free flu shots, Student Health Services has begun offering vaccines for those who have come down with the “Freshman Plague.”
Gotcha! Fraternity Makes Citizen's Arrests at Champagne and Shackles
Earlier this week, freshmen received invitations to a "Champagne and Shackles" party.
GoPuff Beer Delivery Ordered for Eagles Parade Finally Arrives
After nine months of getting his hopes up, Jeremy Bird (C ‘20) didn’t want to get fooled again.
Penn Announces Plan to Replace All University City Restaurants with Overpriced 'Bowl' Places
Penn plans to convert all restaurants on and around campus to trendy, overpriced “bowl” places, Director of Hospitality Services Ann Herman said in an announcement on Wednesday.
Senior With 'Not Enough Time' to Help With Group Project Solves O.J. Simpson Case for 8th Time
Anna Jefferson (C ‘18) is a Sociology major and a self-proclaimed "leading expert" in the O.J. Simpson case.
Annoying Attention Seeker in English Recitation Actually Cracks Funny Joke
A stuck-up girl who never learned manners, Kowalski dominates almost every recitation she goes to, finding the most inappropriate times to crack wildly inappropriate jokes.
U.S. News Ranks Penn First in 'Number of Steaming Manholes'
The University of Pennsylvania certainly falls among the top institutions in the nation for standard achievements such as innovation and diversity, but a recent ranking from U.S. News confirms what everyone already knew: the University of Pennsylvania is the best school in America for access to steaming manholes.
Junior Develops Penn Course Notify but for Mint Pods at Wawa
Because Mint JUUL pods are, objectively, the superior-tasting nicotine delivery mechanism, it is no surprise that these puppies constantly sell out at Penn’s central Wawa.
Gutmann Denies Existence of Mold, Quad, Entire Freshman Class in Explosive Press Statement
As the mold in the Quad grows by the day and students are forced to relocate to the Inn at Penn, the student body has been looking for some guidance.
Anxious Chemistry Professor Single-Handedly Drains Entire Department Chalk Budget
According to her colleagues, Dr. Caroline Jameston is the right hand of Penn’s chemistry department. Unfortunately, her colleagues would also note that Dr. Jameston’s right hand “will probably bankrupt us in a few years.”
God Himself Withdraws From CIS 160
In a historical first since 0 B.C., the Lord God, Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, made an appearance on Earth, descending from His exalted throne and parting the pollution above the Schuylkill to announce that He would be withdrawing from CIS 160 following last Thursday’s midterm.
Man On Bicycle Ignores Red Light, Biking Through Hundreds of Pedestrians
In a statement to UTB, the cyclist, who we have decided to anonymize, was adamant that he did nothing wrong.
Wharton Unveils New Class OIDD 325: Justifying a Useless Career
The class, which has a 700-student limit, is taught by visiting professor and former head of analytic financial engagement database management at InvestCo, Jane Smithfield. It is expected to fill up quickly.
