Penn Ranked Fourth Worldwide for Innovation, Producing 20 Million Gallons of It Per Year
After holding our own in the US News Rankings, we managed to make a huge leap in another major college ranking: the Reuters Most Innovative Universities list.
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Shocking! Gutmann’s 'Second Year Experience' Created After Secret Collusion With Bed Bath & Beyond
When President Gutmann announced that all sophomores will be required to live on campus beginning in 2021, the reaction could not have been more positive.
Penn Ranked Fourth Worldwide for Innovation, Producing 20 Million Gallons of It Per Year
After holding our own in the US News Rankings, we managed to make a huge leap in another major college ranking: the Reuters Most Innovative Universities list.
Mom Makes Sure to Let Her Gay Daughter Know That the Guy Across the Hall Is Super Cute
Even though Kristen Polman (N ’22) came out as gay at the ripe age of 15, her mother, Stacy Polman, sometimes just can’t help herself—especially during this past Parents Weekend.
Shocking! Gutmann’s 'Second Year Experience' Created After Secret Collusion With Bed Bath & Beyond
When President Gutmann announced that all sophomores will be required to live on campus beginning in 2021, the reaction could not have been more positive.
BREAKING: Lindsay to Study Abroad in London
Did you hear? Lindsay is studying abroad in London next spring. She is so excited, but will miss her friends so much! The FOMO is real, haha.
Freshman at Career Fair Wants to Work for The Goldman Sachs
Much to the ire of juniors in the room—people who actually needed internships—Teddy Cable (W ’22) let recruiters know exactly what he wanted at a recent fair.
BDSM Fanatic Appears at Champagne and Shackles in Leather Bodysuit
Sofia Walsh (C ‘22) is normally okay with an evening filled with cheap handcuffs, free booze, and questionable lifestyle choices.
Sophomore’s Seasonal Excuse for Procrastination Becomes ‘It’s Spooky Szn’
Boo, bitches. The crisp autumn air means Starbucks menus have flipped and sorority trips to Linvilla Orchards are in full swing. Though with this pleasant change of weather comes another difficult change as classes become more intense for Wharton sophomore Jessica Daniels.
It All Makes Sense: Gregory 'House' Actually A Registered Frat
Following the recent policy change in sophomore year housing, questions about on-campus options prompted Penn’s Residential Services to publish a comprehensive list of what students can look forward to.
6 Ways To Cope When Your Mom Destroys You At Beer Pong
Family weekend is a time wherein students can share their noble yet humbling Penn experience with their closest of relatives. Lucky for you, those relatives went back to their hotels at 7:30… or so you thought.
BREAKING: Student Bravely Walks Past Site of UPenn Alert
Last Friday night, students were alarmed to hear of a burglary at 40th and Walnut. While most of us locked ourselves in our bedrooms scared shitless until we received the “all clear” message from Penn security, one student faced the danger head on.
Elon Musk Tops Wharton's $50 Mil. Donation in Support of Penn Medicine Marijuana Research
Elon Musk, seeing this headline through the bottom of another Teslaquila shot, decided he could do better. Musk announced via twitter, “The single largest gift in Wharton history was my presence. Will donate 50mil and an unused submarine.”
Penn Anti-Vax Club Working to Single-Handedly Bring Back Polio
In the coming months, Parker has made it the club’s goal to bring back Polio, a virus that has been eradicated in the U.S. through vaccination. With his graduation date on the horizon, Parker says it is now or never.
Students Can Now Use LibCal to Sexile Their Roommates
Gone are the days of neckties on your doorknob and drunk texts at 2:00 a.m. kindly asking your roommate to fuck off to their friend’s couch. Students are now able to conveniently schedule their hookups directly through LibCal.
Wow! Boy Manages to Fall in Love With Entirety of Bloomers All at Once
In a move that surprised literally no one, yet another boy has caught feelings for every member of Bloomers. Alex Huang (C ‘20) is one of many “Bloomers Bros,” the fan club of boys who would do anything it takes to win a date with a member of the all-female sketch comedy group.
Frat Brothers Tell Freshmen to Take a Lap, Collectively Climax
This past Friday, freshman Michael Lucas was told to take a lap by brothers in front of the frat, who climaxed immediately after uttering the words.
Freshman Unsure If She Should Stay Friends With Hall Until After Group Halloween Costume
Now that it’s October, Halloween is probably the only thing anyone is thinking about. Besides the pressure to find a costume that is both funny and slutty, there’s the importance of having a good group costume.
OP-ED: I Ain't Gay, But Watch Me Kill This Wawa Hoagie in One Bite
Hey guys, watch this! I'm gonna murder this Wawa hoagie in one bite. No homo, though.
Embarrassing: Over Half of Penn English Majors Can’t Spell 'Schuylkill'
A recent survey conducted by the Penn English Department found that over half of their undergraduate majors could not spell “Schuylkill,” a finding which calls into question the quality of education English majors receive at the school.
Most Lit Party This Friday?! Squirrel Orgy in Locust Garbage Can
Last Friday, MERT bikers converged on an oddly loud trash can.
OP-ED: The Weather Kind of Sucks No Matter What It Does, Right?
It’s cold out!!! But then again, it was kind of hot a couple days ago, and that was kind of annoying too.
