Senior With 'Not Enough Time' to Help With Group Project Solves O.J. Simpson Case for 8th Time
Anna Jefferson (C ‘18) is a Sociology major and a self-proclaimed "leading expert" in the O.J. Simpson case.
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U.S. News Ranks Penn First in 'Number of Steaming Manholes'
The University of Pennsylvania certainly falls among the top institutions in the nation for standard achievements such as innovation and diversity, but a recent ranking from U.S. News confirms what everyone already knew: the University of Pennsylvania is the best school in America for access to steaming manholes.
Senior With 'Not Enough Time' to Help With Group Project Solves O.J. Simpson Case for 8th Time
Anna Jefferson (C ‘18) is a Sociology major and a self-proclaimed "leading expert" in the O.J. Simpson case.
Annoying Attention Seeker in English Recitation Actually Cracks Funny Joke
A stuck-up girl who never learned manners, Kowalski dominates almost every recitation she goes to, finding the most inappropriate times to crack wildly inappropriate jokes.
U.S. News Ranks Penn First in 'Number of Steaming Manholes'
The University of Pennsylvania certainly falls among the top institutions in the nation for standard achievements such as innovation and diversity, but a recent ranking from U.S. News confirms what everyone already knew: the University of Pennsylvania is the best school in America for access to steaming manholes.
VIDEO: UTB Man on the Street: Family Weekend
Charlie Sosnick
Wednesday, Oct. 24, 2018Wed, Oct 24, 2018
Parents, how do they tick? We sent a veteran UTB reporter undercover as a Penn Dad to find out.
Junior Develops Penn Course Notify but for Mint Pods at Wawa
Because Mint JUUL pods are, objectively, the superior-tasting nicotine delivery mechanism, it is no surprise that these puppies constantly sell out at Penn’s central Wawa.
Gutmann Denies Existence of Mold, Quad, Entire Freshman Class in Explosive Press Statement
As the mold in the Quad grows by the day and students are forced to relocate to the Inn at Penn, the student body has been looking for some guidance.
Climate Change is Going to Kill Us All in 15 Years—Who's Tryna Fuck?
The UN says climate genocide is upon us—who here is tryna fuck?
Anxious Chemistry Professor Single-Handedly Drains Entire Department Chalk Budget
According to her colleagues, Dr. Caroline Jameston is the right hand of Penn’s chemistry department. Unfortunately, her colleagues would also note that Dr. Jameston’s right hand “will probably bankrupt us in a few years.”
God Himself Withdraws From CIS 160
In a historical first since 0 B.C., the Lord God, Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, made an appearance on Earth, descending from His exalted throne and parting the pollution above the Schuylkill to announce that He would be withdrawing from CIS 160 following last Thursday’s midterm.
OP-ED: Please Read This. My Dad Thinks It's Cool When My Posts Are Popular.
If the post is popular, there’s a good shot my dad will text me about it. He might even say something encouraging like “Nice job!” or “Cool.”
Man On Bicycle Ignores Red Light, Biking Through Hundreds of Pedestrians
In a statement to UTB, the cyclist, who we have decided to anonymize, was adamant that he did nothing wrong.
Wharton Unveils New Class OIDD 325: Justifying a Useless Career
The class, which has a 700-student limit, is taught by visiting professor and former head of analytic financial engagement database management at InvestCo, Jane Smithfield. It is expected to fill up quickly.
Close Call! Freshman Makes It To Sink To Throw Up
Quite the scene unfolded in Speakman 207 this weekend as Kate Lorenz (W ’22) returned home from a night of partying. Quietly sneaking past her sleeping roommate and into bed, Lorenz thought she was tucked in for the night.
OP-ED: I Met Your Parents This Weekend, And Now I Know Why You Suck So Much
Listen, don’t take it personally, but I met your parents this weekend, and now it’s extremely clear to me why and how you suck so much. It’s as if I saw the embodiment of anything and everything that’s wrong with you, except heightened.
In Brave Moment of Honesty, Freshman Acknowledges That This Song is Such a Mood
Although no further details were given, the mood of the song called for a minute-long eyes closed air drum solo, with one lip bite during the final chorus
How to See a Future with Him Even Though He Leaves His Wet Clothes in the Washer Overnight
His dorm manners are definitely not husband material, but here’s how to see a future with him even though his clothes have probably been sitting in the washer overnight.
BREAKING: Penn Student's 'Birthright Vlog 2018!' Set for Distribution With 20th Century Fox
In a bold decision certain to send shockwaves through both the University and Hollywood, College junior Max Rather inked a deal with 20th Century Fox on Tuesday for distribution of his short film “Birthright Vlog 2018!”
Need Dining Dollars? Here are 5 Cherished Family Heirlooms You Can Exchange
Are you constantly hungry? Too timid to take food home from the GBM? Are you tired of pathetically begging your Mom for cash so that you won’t starve to death on the mean streets of Philadelphia?
So You’ve Been Sexually Awakened After Meeting Your BFF’s DILFy Dad at Family Weekend. Now What?
Forget Stacy’s mom! Stacy’s dad is really the one who’s got it goin’ on.
Sophomore Now Survives on Diet Consisting Only of Edible Shrubbery
Several weeks ago, a report was published listing all the edible shrubbery on Penn’s campus. Ever since, Penn’s edible plants have replaced all other sustenance for sophomore Kristine Cole.
