Most Recent
Attention Beth Winkelstein! You May Be Eligible for a Booster
We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost.
BREAKING: The University Has Lifted– Update: The University Has Re– Update: The University Has Made a Decision Regarding Mask Mandate– Update: The University
In Honor of Easter, Penn to Resurrect Masks
Attention Beth Winkelstein! You May Be Eligible for a Booster
We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost.
Instructive Handwashing Posters To Be Replaced With Step-by-Step Toothbrushing Guides
After two and a half years behind masks at all times in all public settings, students have not only developed intense blackheads; they’ve also been fomenting some seriously dangerous bad breath. The University has taken decisive steps to combat this new threat to public health.
BREAKING: Penn to Convert Smokes Into Indian Restaurant
On Wednesday nights, Sink or Swim will be discontinued and replaced with CIS 160 tutoring.
Blessed Omen: I Asked My Therapist to Call Me Angel. She Took It Too Far
אבל כל המסעות חייבים להסתיים שכן רק על ידי הפסקת מסע זה בכלל מסע, אחרת אנחנו מעמידים את עצמנו במצב מתמיד של תנופה, בלי יכולת ליישם את ממצאי המסע שלנו. אָמֵן.
Bold! Girl Online Shopping in Front Row Buying Ugly Clothes
That half-zebra print, half-cheetah print bodysuit with ‘Vegan Babe’ emblazoned in lime green? Absolutely hideous! And yet this fearless pioneer added that to her cart within seconds, in full view by the lecture hall of students behind her.
Anonymous Sorority Welcomes Undisclosed Number of Unknown People Into New Pledge Class
We have been alerted that these lovely women love birdwatching, and often are missing from their rooms at night searching for owls. “We love owls.”
OP-ED: Penn Should Provide Greek Life Members With Security Blankie, Mommy’s Milk
And besides, what else does Penn need to be spending money on? Subsidizing cost of living for FGLI students? Expanding financial aid packages?
OP-ED: Penn Should Replace the Living World Sector With the FitnessGram PACER Test
Here’s my take on the Living World Sector. We are living. We are in the world. If we wanna live longer in the world, let's do some running!
OP-ED: It’s Time to Get That Nose Job, Stacey
Look in the mirror, you ugly piece of shit. That whopping schnoz on your face makes me literally gag. What are you, a toucan?
BREAKING: GSR Disputes Will Now Be Settled With Staring Contests
I showed the woman at the front desk in Biotech my green pass. She hissed at me. Fair enough.
Penn Recruits Five-Star Spikeball Prospect
Now, he has a chance to prove himself on the biggest stages imaginable, which include that little grassy area outside of Harrison in addition to the grass outside of NCHW.
Ten Ways to Maintain Your Painstakingly Crafted and Curated Persona on BeReal
When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are.
Erm, I Don't Really Care: Sister Showing Me Her Sloppy, Jury-Rigged Dinner Over Video Call
Ahh, okay, good for you, I guess? I’d really rather be doing something else right about now.
The Boston Tea Party Was Soooo Fucked Up... Can I Come In Now Zetes?
Europeans. Throw. Better. Parties.
REPORT: Introverted Boys Twice as Likely to Mutter "Yeah, Wanna Push Me Around, Huh" to Self While Showering
“It’s not like they’re talking to anyone in particular,” Salazie noted. “They’re kinda just saying stuff out loud.”
Reverse Cowgirl and 9 Other Workarounds to Mask-Fishing
My bosom could now be mounted without my face being a massive turnoff. Masks were the new protection; I’ll take paper over latex any day.
