Like, you guys can see this stuff, like what I’m writing right now? Hm? My articles have been publicly viewable this whole time? Oh… that explains a lot.

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.”

The banjo. The banjo cello. The bass banjo. The five-stringed banjo. The four-stringed banjo! The  ZITHER BANJO! All of those fine, fine instruments at your disposal— and you choose your mouths? 

Students will continue to carry all of their shit from table to table on the first floor of Van Pelt, in search of one of the elusive outlets that work 24/7. 

Ten blissful minutes seal my fate; I fervently self-lubricate. A breast to rub, a bean to flick, I close my eyes. I masturbate.

Can you bear to look into their eyes, their innocent, pleading eyes, and tell them no one cares? I certainly don’t. Here are three excuses to use, and other lies I’ve told this week.

Just because people feel like they need an "equal opportunity for education" doesn’t mean we can provide it.

Neuropsych evaluation be damned.

Listen: no matter how many interesting club flyers with compelling graphics and acerbic, forward-thinking puns you hand me, you will never convince me to take your filthy water bottles. 

1 onion (medium finely diced) 2 cloves garlic (large chopped) ¾ cup dry white wine 6 ferrets she lost in the apartment 3 pubes left on the toilet seat 1 lost safety deposit after she tripped down the stairs and banged her head into the wall and then denied it even though I took a video and sent her the video and sent the landlord the video ½ pound ground beef

But more than that, he is deemed an inimitable professor also because of his habitual usage of the popular curse word, “fuck.” 

Provost this, provost that. Someone help us out here.

So, you think you've got it all figured out. Think again, punk! Take this quirky quiz from Under the Button and find out your REAL major.

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you.

You're Marco Paris Jenson the third, if I remember correctly?

No, like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?

And in German it's now Gutschland. Hurrah!

If this doesn’t say fall we don’t know what does! Drape yourself in this luscious autumnal accessory in an attempt to externally heal your wounds that have already been very deeply internalized. 

In retrospect, it was obvious from the name that something bad was bound to happen.

Michael then proceeded to tell the same aggressively mundane story to every other club member after coming to the false conclusion that he’d struck an anecdotal gold mine.