Most Recent
Tragic! Area Woman Dies After 10-Minute Male Attention Withdrawal
She proceeded to listen to Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean three times. Within 10 minutes, she upped and died.
The United States of Under the Button Declares Independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian
Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware!
Little Timmy Claims “Freedom of the Pursuit of Happiness,” Avoids Cleaning Room
"I'm not a hero. I'm just a kid looking to defend my freedoms. My mom said I had to clean my room, but Thomas Jefferson said I didn't have to."
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Breaking: Gutmann Sets Sights on Gentrifying Germany Next
After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.
Going Out With A Bang! Gutmann Sells Stouffer College House To Old Wizard For Seven Rubles
Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.
Branding Shift! New Penn Bookstore Promotion Advertises 2-For-1 Colostomy Bag Deal
So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.
Lonely Teen Finds Cool New Summer Friend: Mom
For one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool new friend: Mom.
Fighting Couple Amends Sign “I Love You to the Moon and Back” to “I Love You to at Least the Grocery Store”
"Sue, I do not love you to the moon and back. Do you know how far that is?! Do you know how long that would take to travel?"
About Time! Penn Freshman Finally Graduates High School
Never go back to high school. Once you escape that place, run.
Woke King! This Guy’s Type Is Ivy-League Educated Women of Color
This white man truly does not discriminate at all!
Op-Ed: Why Gentrification Is Okay When I Do It
I think it's fine, so it is.
Simulation Glitch: Women Over 45 Open Mouths, Portuguese Comes Out
Women over 45 worldwide closed their eyes on Saturday night, oblivious to the fragility of their existence, and awoke Sunday morning fluent in Portuguese.
Ally Behavior! This Straight Woman Does Poppers
"Yeah, she would not stop doing poppers that night," Ryan's other gay friend Josh Compas (C '21) told us, "We were like, 'what are you doing,' but she just kept chanting 'hashtag queen shit' over and over, and then I said, 'it's literally Pride Month, Nicole,' and she was like, 'exactly.'"
Translation Guide: Understanding the Father Tongue
Your key to a genuine conversation this Father's Day!
How to Convey That You Are Divorced, Remarried, Both With Children of Your Own, and Sometimes Still See Your Ex on the Side All Through Windshield Stick Figure Stickers
The public seems to be very excited about this new mode of intimate oversharing.
Change Up! Dad Who Usually Complains About Never Seeing Kids Now Wants Kids Permanently Out of House
"I don't know what happened, but those kids are little monsters," said Mr. Jackson in an interview, "now I understand what that phrase 'too much of a good thing' means."
“Daddy’s Cummies” Deemed Completely Kosher; to be Served at Hillel This Fall
Get ready to gobble and slurp your Daddy’s cummies at Hillel this fall!
UTB's Guide for Surviving Movie Sex Scenes With Dad
Excited for quality time with Papa, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.