BREAKING: Heirloom Trip Ends with Total Under $6,000
“We here at Heirloom-Giant profoundly apologize for this grave error, and want to ensure our customers that it will never happen again.”
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Seven Horrible Things About Campus That Will Make You Stop Missing It
Do you long to feel the playful Philadelphian wind on your luscious locks as you walk down Locust? Despair no more, my friend! Here are seven utterly horrible things about campus that will finally make you stop missing it so badly.
BREAKING: Heirloom Trip Ends with Total Under $6,000
“We here at Heirloom-Giant profoundly apologize for this grave error, and want to ensure our customers that it will never happen again.”
Breaking: My Social Skills During the Pandemic
Hi, um how are you doing? What have you and your um friends been up to? … sorry that’s a stupid question. We’re in a pandemic. Are we friends? Is that weird to ask? It would be nice if we were friends, though. Don’t you think?
Seven Horrible Things About Campus That Will Make You Stop Missing It
Do you long to feel the playful Philadelphian wind on your luscious locks as you walk down Locust? Despair no more, my friend! Here are seven utterly horrible things about campus that will finally make you stop missing it so badly.
How to Perfect Your Spook-tacular Amy Gutmann Halloween Costume
The best way to lock down a Gutmann costume is to spook West Philly residents. Strutting down the streets, checking out future Penn property, being the gentrifying queen you are. Maybe there’s a cool space to build New College House West West?
BREAKING: Penn Makes Firm, Decisive Spring Plan That Will Definitely Not Change
They are firm, realistic, executable plans that could change at any moment the second we decide something else is more profitable or convenient for us.
US Voters Take Gold in 2020 Olympics Mental Gymnastics
Their amazing performance of pro-life but anti-mask advocacy earned the US team a spot in the finals against the North Korean team, notoriously nicknamed “The Iron Kims”.
If Penn Says I Can't Come, I'm Showing up With a Signed Note From My Mom
My mom is NOT the type of woman to sign notes for me willy nilly! That's why I was shocked when my mom told me that I would be going to school this spring regardless of University protocol.
Student Hospitalized After Carrying Breakout Room Convo on His Back
The weight of the conversation rests on their shoulders. People crack under the pressure. The human spine isn’t meant to carry that much weight.
Supreme Court Rules Pro-Life: Officially Mandates Masks
On October 26th, 2020, Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The conservative judges on the Supreme Court have a strong foothold, hoping to rule on topics such as immigration, LGTBQ+ rights and abortion. With the addition of Judge Barrett, the Court is expected to declare the constitutionality of a nationwide mask mandate to secure a pro-life agenda.
Top Reasons Your "Apolitical" Friend Is Actually Just a Trump Supporter
Maybe you tried to talk about the debate and they, fidgeting and uncomfortable, responded, "What debate?" You can't help but think: is it REALLY possible that someone can be so apolitical?
8-hour Voting Lines Are Actually Vital For a Well-Functioning American Democracy
While you gleefully wait to vote, you can discuss with others in line with you… even those across the political aisle. You can discuss important items - like the candidates, policies, and how long the line is that y’all are currently standing in.
It's Literally 50% Likely to Happen: You Can't Keep Naming Divorce as Your Childhood Trauma
Maybe your mom lost that signature twinkle in her eye, and your dad simply couldn’t bear to look at her anymore.
5 Ways to Announce You’re Going Back In The Closet Following ACB Confirmation
Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!
OP-ED: Spotted Red Lantern Flies Are My Only Source of Physical Touch
At this point, I need to take what I can get, and what I can get is spotted red lantern flies.
Jessica Excited to Finally Use Communication Major as Spam Caller
Most days Jessica calls and tells people that their Social Security Number has been stolen, but some days she is given a lot of freedom and even gets to tell them their car has been robbed or that their brother was in prison. She told UTB that her job is not easy and requires expert communication and interpersonal skills.
"Now's My Chance": Rick Bayless Sneaks Back Onto Campus While Everyone's Distracted
"I saw him near the Radian sitting in a bush and shoveling homemade guacamole into his mouth using his hands,” Joseph Joeford (C '22) recalled from his morning walk. “He probably thought nobody could see him, but we all could."
OP-ED: I Like My Relationships Like My Closed-Note Exams: Full of Open, Unabashed Cheating.
Cheating is hot. It also has the potential to destroy relationships, families, general trust in humanity, and your pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive - but that just makes it hotter.
Brett Kavanaugh Confused, Is He Not "Packing" Enough for the Current Supreme Court?
When asked about the possibility of court-packing the Supreme Court, Kavanaugh became very puzzled. “Wait. Did you say packing? The court? But I’m on that? I certainly think I am packing enough ‘down there.’” The justice made UTB aware that his nicknames at law school were ‘The Hanging Judge’, ‘The Magistrate with Massive Meatballs’, ‘Colossal Kavanaugh’, and ‘Brett and His Big Gavel’.
Meanies! Got Weird Looks as I Threw My Gum in the Red White and Blue Trash Can
Seconds after I trashed the gum, everyone jumped down my throat about how “unamerican” I am. I want to think that I am perfectly American: I refuse to change my opinion when faced with facts, and steadfastly ignore the needs of others.
Report: Zoom Breakout Rooms Found to be Quieter than Cold Vacuum of Space
The researchers identified numerous parallels between the quietude of the cosmos and the awkward silence of students thrust into uninteresting and forced discussion with others they barely know.
