“I’m so glad Penn gave us some time to just relax and get some stuff for the year that will prepare us,” as she took a bite from her green apple flavored gelatin snack.

"Wait, is that James from econ? He may be coughing and feel a bit hot but it must be from how sick and wild his night has already been." Frat doormen have an uncanny ability to diagnose COVID right on the spot and turn away those who they deem dangerous. 

All of those majestic, flowing, glistening green stripes. What ever could it mean? I haven’t the slightest. They say to truly understand big data, you have to listen to at least fifty hours of Kraftwerk. Hey, don’t look at me. I don’t make the rules here.

“What's great about the set-up is that instead of sitting in lecture for 4 or 5 hours a day, I only need to sit in lecture for 1 hour."

“So I was showering last week, and suddenly the water went cold and the pipes in the wall started shaking and gurgling,” Rochester excitedly told UTB. “If I close my eyes, it’s like I’m really in a shared bathroom in KCECH! So cool.”

On the bright side, students are fed three meals a day from Penn Commons, which thankfully did not have to downgrade their food for the prison environment. 

"People have been telling me 'wear a mask," and 'social distance' for months but I never really understood what that meant. I'm so used to being able to do whatever I want that I felt that those measures were oppressive and didn't apply to me."

No, Dan, I do not want to come to your hot tub party with Kayla and Karen, I don’t care how much Corona beer you have.  

If they tell you to get naked on camera, tell them you live in a multigenerational home and that your grandma is in the room.

“We hear you. We understand you. We stand by you. If you can’t live at home during the fall semester, why live at all?”

“We felt like these were very complicated times, so to help put students at ease, we’ve decided to simplify the stored belongings process.”

Some may say that an SAT tutoring company is not a startup, but a group-of-students-that-made-an-account-with-Squarespace doesn't have the same ring to it. 

Hey I’m so sorry can you resend me the zoom link for today? Ugh, I know, I don’t know why I keep losing it. 

"I keep a countdown of days until Labor Day like most people keep countdowns until Christmas," Jeremy explained. "One pesky little virus isn't going to stop me from enjoying the holiday I love." 

“You mean to tell me that her eager, cheerful, and studious demeanor was nothing more than a facade to obscure the odious and slothful beast lying within?” Amy Knox (C ‘23) asked in disbelief. “But she always volunteers first whenever the professor asks a question!”

So what if I’m stuck at home with overbearing parents, shitty wifi, and the inability to go beyond my backyard?

Steffey, a former Rodin resident who feels more at home with empty calories in one hand and a canister of high-fructose corn syrup in the other, has struggled to stomach his new meal plan.

My mom's lunch ensures that I will get at least two fruits and veggies, a sandwich (PB&J with the crusts cut off), a glass of milk, and two Oreos. With a wide variety of fruits and veggies including carrot sticks, celery sticks, apple slices, pear slices, peach slices, and strawberries, I'm consistently and dare I say eagerly left guessing what's for lunch.

Penn students are coming to terms with what they owe to those around them. Finally taking decisive action, my fellow students have begun redistributing funds back into my Venmo to cover the cost of brunch from last spring. 

This pandemic has been pretty tough on everyone. For example, the other day I made soup and it took a long time. So frustrating! :/