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BREAKING: Ashley, Maya Is Planning on Asking Drew to Tri Delta Date Night Too

Also, Amelia called you fat at APES late night

BREAKING: Penn Situationship Responds He Not Looking For Anything Serious After You Ask For, Like, Basic Reciprocity Even Though He Said Last Week What You Two Had Was Special

Local man does not keep his word. More at 5.

BREAKING: Entrepreneur Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) Adds Fuel to Former President and 1968 Wharton Graduate Donald Trump’s Comment on Former Penn Presidential Professor of Practice Joe Biden’s Housing of Classified Documents at the Penn Biden Center (Penn)

Yesterday, Twitter CEO Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) voiced his support for former President Trump’s (W ’68) tirade against the current scandal engulfing President Joe Biden.

Response From Penn Board to Recent Federal Funding Cuts

We gotta give them something, guys

I Lived It: I Used My SDT Code to Buy Pool Party Tickets and It Made the Price More Expensive

That's weird: I inserted my “discount code” and the price went up by $5.

Ego Death in Harnwell Package Room

Oh my God. It’s happening.

Hill Couples Gear Up for First Annual Freakolympics

Set to take place the week of May 6 through May 13 in Hill College House, the Freakolympics will pit freshman couples across campus against each other in a weeklong bracket-style competition to determine who can get the freakiest in Penn’s shared spaces and make everyone else the most uncomfortable.

Ouch! My Big Little Reveal Was Just a Picture of Me Before and After Ozempic

I was the last one called up, and something weird happened: The lights turned off, and a projector turned on. Slowly a curtain opened to a picture of me from 5 years ago. 

ABG This. ABB That. What Happened to Asian Baby Studybots?

What happened to: “Damn, that tiny Asian kid is a piano PRODIGY!”

Zete Unilaterally Celebrated for Implementing Trump's DEI Policies Two Decades in Advance

Zete knew this day was coming.

After Accidentally Eating Iftar Food, Penn Student Deemed “Muslim Enough” to be Deported by ICE

The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic.

Gone Too Soon: I Died of Thirst When McClelland Switched to Dasani

Local Penn Student Devastated to Find Drexel Dating Pool Just As Bad

I must remember that Drexel is a fantasy land of lying dwarves, and that Penn is a fantasy land of scheming trolls. None of these creatures are viable options for a loving relationship where we take care of each other until one of us dies of old age. 

“Embracing the Two Plate Solution”: Falk Kosher Dining Apologizes For Tone-deaf Café Theme

At press time, Falk kitchen staff released a second apology for its proposed menu: a Lemony Garlic Salmon locally sourced "from the river to the sea." Apparently, they meant the Delaware.

Advice Column: Reveal Your Situationships Fivehead by Heading to Harnwell Wind Tunnel on a Stormy Day

I feel like I've known him forever, but at the same time, what does his forehead look like?

You Just Failed Your Midterm: Five Comfort Meals to Boost Your Morale

Penn Dining has you covered with some nourishing, morale-boosting meals to help you process your failure. Bon appétit!

Alex Jones Sees Error of Ways, Opens Cute Little Lesbian Bookstore

Located in Portland, Jones’ store also supports new authors. The premier sapphic novel for this month’s book club recommendation is In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado.