Goodbye Hot Girl Summer, Hello Pasty Girl Spring
2019 is over. It is time to say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer and hello to Pasty Girl Spring.
Most Recent
Anti-Quarantine Protests: Finally, A Social Movement We Can All Get Behind
Some people in various states around the country were like, this quarantine thing sucks. I want to be able to buy grass seed and go to my third home. I miss the everyday freedoms like yelling offensive things at women on the street. And we all get it — every one of us misses those things too.
OP-ED: Ask CHAS to Send You Your Vibrator Already, You Strong, Liberated Woman You
This isn't about you. It's about liberated women everywhere. It's about women everywhere who are really fucking lonely. You can do it. We believe in you.
OP-ED: Who Needs Dean's List When You Have Craigslist?
Craigslist exists to help us build ourselves up as a community, whereas Dean’s List exists to break us apart and tear us down.
Oh No! Melanie Failed Her Coronavirus Test
After some sobbing, Melanie announced she had failed her coronavirus test. "I knew it was pass/fail but my advisor told me they never fail anyone, mom!"
Student Quarantining in Multi-Million Dollar Home “Just Can’t Do It Anymore”
“I’m 100% done with this,” says Genevieve, whose family is in the 1%.
Black Hole Discovered on Penn Campus: Student Financial Services
The black hole has obtained so much mass that it’s gravitational pull is stronger than ever. This explains Penn’s rising tuition.
Thrilling! You Have Under 60 Minutes to Complete, Check, Scan, Email, Upload, and Submit Midterm
The upcoming midterm will consist of long-form response questions, diagram drawing, and every other question type seemingly handpicked to make your life just a little more inconvenient.
Anti Vaxxers Weigh In: Let’s Throw Measles Back Into the Mix!
But look. I think we can do even better. Why would we stop at one wildly dangerous, devastating illness when we could do more?
'Our Students Are First-Generation, Low-Income, and Obscenely Privileged, Too,' Says Amy Gutmann
We call on the great silent majority, the privileged students of Penn: Be loud. Be proud. Never forget that you, above everyone else, matter.
Uh Oh! TA Now Twitch Streaming Recitations, Wants to Know "What's up, Gamers"
Students from the class were willing to confirm that Owens conveys roughly as much useful information during his Twitch rants on Belle Delphine as he ever did during a regular recitation.
Poly Sci Professor Once Again Vowing to Release Lectures On-Time Next Week
The professor will remain anonymous for his own sake, but he knows damn well who he is.
Rachel Offers Free Spaghetti Eating ASMR During Zoom Class
As Rachel Connolly (E ‘22) slurped, slopped, and slogged back her plate of spaghetti, it was difficult for anyone to focus on what was being presented on the slides. People attempted to type in chat to draw her attention to heroically save her from a lifetime of embarrassment but to no avail.
Plot-Twist! Those Frat Fliers Slipped Under Your Door Were Actually Provisions for Toilet-Paper Shortage
With grocery stores across the globe failing to meet the demand for toilet-paper, Penn officials slept soundly knowing their student body was provided with a stockpile of paper materials.
Report: Yup, Bedroom Ceiling Still Looks the Same
Yup. Exactly the same. No differences here. Same color too. Oh, wait... is that crack new? No, that’s been there since middle school. Right, right.
Student Jet Lagged After Huge Trip Taking out Trash
He opened the door and faced the harshness of the elements. It was a sunny day, 78 degrees, and the sun was blinding. Was this God’s punishment? Indeed.
Dad Buys 9-cubic Feet Freezer and Potatoes 'Just in Case'
“Oh yeah,” he responded. “I also bought this AK-47. Just in case, you know.”
Shocking! Social Smoker Still Smoking
“Baby, I don’t think that’s your last cigarette.”
Beautiful! With Humans Staying Home, Forests of Leg Hair Return to Their Natural States
We are the real virus... :/
