After Months of Excavation, Penn Archaeologists Find Single Piece of Chicken in My Honeygrow Bowl
“This was our toughest dig yet,” noted Lee, who has conducted decade-long digs in Oman, Iraq, and Mongolia.
Most Recent
University of Pennsylvania to Suspend University of Pennsylvania Following Hazing Concerns
When asked by a reporter if, instead, the university could simply just stop hazing its students, the president replied, “No.”
Amy Gutmann’s Husband Furious That She Keeps Gentrifying the Backyard
Much to the chagrin of her husband, she appears to be scheming new gentrification initiatives left-and-right, most recently approving the development of a 4th high-rise in the small alcove where the local West Philadelphia rabbits reside.
New Study Reveals Europeans Immune From Lung Cancer
There’s nothing quite like being hit with the smell of a freshly lit cigarette as you exit the library fresh from an all-nighter, probably being smoked by someone speaking a language you don’t understand.
Fro Gro Bag Lives Thrilling Second Life as Bathroom Trash Can Liner
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Well, it might be time to rethink the premise of that philosophical inquiry.
OP-ED: You'll Be Sorry
Oh, are you sad? Are you gonna cry? Are you gonna fucking cry like a wittle baby? Oh, that’s just classic. "But I love you, FroGro," you'll say through tears. Really? Then where were you when I needed you?
Penn Culture Gone Too Far? This Environmental Club Calls Itself a Frat
Ep Eta has two choices: it can either rebrand itself as simply an environmental club or fully embrace what it means to be a fraternity and make all its members eat bullfrogs.
Dan to Share Twin Xl With Tourist After Roommate Airbnb's His Side of the Room
Penn has given no formal comment on renting out college dorm rooms, however, Wharton Entrepreneurs is offering seed funds for anyone wishing to take advantage of this inefficiency in the free market.
It's Over: Professor Discovered Joy Division
According to firsthand reports, biology students have agreed to hold out until Dorsett at least discovers New Order.
Google Campus Recruiters Highlight Partnership With Raytheon Developing Autonomous, Child-Seeking Missiles
Packaged as part of a broader initiative aimed at deepening ties between the Pentagon and Google, campus recruiters are seeking to appeal to Penn students’ sense of patriotic duty, unaware they have none.
Gutmann Blows Through Endowment During Feb Club Atlantic City Trip
Onlookers report that Gutmann strutted into the Tropicana casino Saturday night and barreled straight to the roulette table, saying, "I'll put the Class of 2024's financial aid on red, please."
OP-ED: Penn Should Pay PILOTS Because Aviators Matter Too
Penn should pay PILOTS because aviators matter too, and I'm sick and tired of airplane PILOTS not being given the compensation they so clearly deserve.
Wharton Woman Makes Very Important Business Call
"Michael? Michael? What's the portfolio looking like?"
A Definitive Ranking of Toilet Water Across Penn’s Campus
Here are the top three toilets to sip from across campus.
Punny, Penn-y Valentines Day Cards: Part VIII
In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).
Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part VII
Another year, another round of sexy, sexy UTB Valentine's Day cards for that special someone.
OP-ED: My Girlfriend Broke up With Me, Does Anyone Want to Buy the Lingerie I Got Her for Valentine's Day?
Selling for $20. What a steal, right! Right? Please tell me this is right. Please. Someone hold me. It's so hard sleeping alone.
Buying a Vibrator Won’t Solve All Your Problems (Unless It’s Clit-Sucking)
I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.
Alone on Valentine’s Day? Here Are Five Things to Do Instead of Going on a Romantic Date With the Love of Your Life
Regardless of whether this is your 1st lonely Valentine’s Day or your 78th, the UTB Staff is here to provide you with some quality suggestions of what to do when you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone.
