OP-ED: My Girlfriend Broke up With Me, Does Anyone Want to Buy the Lingerie I Got Her for Valentine's Day?
Selling for $20. What a steal, right! Right? Please tell me this is right. Please. Someone hold me. It's so hard sleeping alone.
Most Recent
Penn Students Agree: Best Way to Heal an Infection Is to Let It Fester for a Couple Weeks
Jasmine Ling (C '20), who received a fingernail-bed infection this winter, "doesn't mind that it hurts to type or to even tie [her] shoes. The body takes care of these things."
Senior Moving to NYC to Pursue Career in Melancholy Walks in Crowded Places
She will stop for a coffee once, maybe twice. If she grows weary, she will rest on a bench in a public green space.
Breaking! Up With You! I Am Breaking Up With You
Hello again. Sorry for ghosting you for a month. I really thought you would forget I exist, but I guess we have Stats together… and Econ… and Intro to Geology. Anyways I would stop going to those classes completely because I hate them, but there’s this super hot girl who I honestly might need as a rebound after we — oh yeah by the way, can we talk?
Crisis Averted: TSA Seized Grace’s Hummus in Airport Security
"This was a major security risk for Grace, her fellow passengers, and ultimately everyone in this airport. We had no choice but to destroy it," TSA Agent Richard Yu told UTB staff.
Sorry Professor! Nancy Pelosi Tore up My Homework
I know this is my fifth late essay of the semester, but I wanted to explain myself.
Considerate Classmate Chews Crunchy Food ~V e r y ~S l o w l y
“Ccc...rrr……... ONCH.” Oh God. Jessica froze. She looked around, the nib of carrot resting on her tongue. Could her classmates hear her? Had they noticed her shame?
Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for a Lobotomy
Say goodbye to your frontal lobe and say hello to a whole new world! A talented team of specialized doctors have decided that you should not think anymore.
Conspiracy: Amy Gutmann Has Been Replaced by a Lookalike, No One Notices
One time I thought I saw her, but it was just a very lifelike looking tree with yellow leaves. And that was in the fall.
A Message From President Gutmann: Yoooo Smoke's Tonight?
A Message From President Gutmann University Notification: Request for a Lit Friday Night Amy Gutmann, President
Boring Stat Professor Fails to Reject the Dull Hypothesis
Look, the joke is in the title. I really don't have that much to say about this. I came up with this while bored in STAT-102. It's not even the professor's fault, he's actually a fairly engaging lecturer. Does that compromise the premise of this article? Maybe.
Stinky Pig Girl (Me) Loves to Eat From Trough
I'm a stinky little pig girl who drank too much, and now I need some one to fill my trough up to its brim.
Amy Gutmann Completely Independently Chooses to Divest from Coal and Tar Sands
In a breathtaking feat of courage, President Amy Gutmann has defied student desires and popular opinion by choosing to divest from coal and tar sands while ingeniously remaining invested in all other forms of fossil fuels.
Wellness Win: Penn to Remove Mirrors From Van Pelt
"Whenever I’d go to the bathroom in the middle of a long study period I’d have mascara running down my face from all the tears. Then when I go back to studying I have the newfound knowledge that I’m stupid and ugly."
"Do You Want to Join Our Rodin Suite?" Asks Roommate Who Can't Count Above 4
“And we will all fit in the suite too. I know three is bigger than four, so two threes should be bigger than three. Four is bigger than three, so the math works out.”
Period End of Sentence Wins Oscar Again Because, ‘So Good’
In a historic first, Period. End of Sentence. has won an Oscar for the second year in a row, with the Academy recognizing the movie as, “so good.”
OP-ED: Wouldn’t It Have Really Sucked If Jeffrey Epstein Graduated From Penn?
But, in the broad scheme of things, Penn has had some seriously questionable alumni. Case in point, the 46th President of the United States of America: Donald Trump.
Year of the Rat Celebration Going Down 24/7 in the VP Basement
That’s right. Those grimey little rat boys are getting down and dirty at all hours of the day and night.
Top 10 Facemasks to Protect Against STDs
College life is when we are most susceptible to STDs. Here are some UTB approved ways to protect yourself against any sexual disease.
