Uh oh! The drunken haze that is NSO has ended, and now Jessica Talluto (C ’21) must confront her boy-toy of five months, Justin Tan (W ’20), about her inevitable feelings for him.  Well, actually, feelings for him isn’t entirely accurate—that is, if he doesn’t want anything serious with her. She’s “chill” and “down for whatever,” a source close to Talluto reveals.  

Many English majors at Penn complain about the amount of reading that professors assign each week. College sophomore Kyaire Jamil, however, has nothing to complain about, because she has never known how to read.

College junior Charles Richardson is an adamant opponent of Penn's recruiting culture. Regularly complaining about the detrimental effects of pre-professionalism and writing fiery Op-Eds on the matter, Richardson wants no part in the madness known as "On-Campus Recruitment." It is for this reason that many of his friends were shocked to witness Richardson entering class on Monday morning dressed head-to-toe in business formal (with a tie and everything).

Hey, you sultry Kings Court residents. Have things been getting too steamy in your bedroom? No, literally, have you resorted to sleeping on the filthy couches and floor of your first floor lounge to escape attempting to fall asleep in a puddle of your own sweat? Knew it.

For decades, self-esteem of College junior Joelle Simmons has been low. While most in her demographic of white, upper middle class, Ivy League women have mid-level self-esteem, often referring to themselves as “fine” or “a little bloated,” Simmons’ self-esteem was far lower. One close friend noted that Simmons’ self-esteem was so low, her automatic email sign off was simply, “I’m sorry.”

In response to the overwhelming stench which wafted through the hallways of the Towne building during PennApps 2017, this year’s organizers decided to place fully-functional shower booths at each corner of the event space. Surprising to nobody but unfortunate to many, these booths remained empty for the entire weekend.

Ah, NSO. The sweet smell of freedom in the air. No parents, no rules, no repercussions for public intoxication. We met up with a particularly eager Wharton freshman, Aaron Abramovitz, who reflected on this new stage of life. 

While you may have attended the toga party during your orientation week, hopefully you didn't miss out on Penn's Annual NSO Masquerade Orgy. Always a hit amongst freshmen, staff, faculty, and alumni alike, we checked in with some (anonymous) underclassmen to get their reactions on the event.

While most Penn students spent their summers at world-class internships or lamenting the fact that they didn’t get one, college sophomore Rissy Clitto, Jr. had different plans. Clitto apparently spent the “vast majority of the summer masturbating in her room, only ever coming out to eat and go to the bathroom,” her mother, Rissy Clitto, Sr. stated in an interview.

Have you ever found yourself wishing that college wasn’t so expensive? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I don’t even know what half of my organs are for?" Well, if you happen to have done both of those things, you're in luck! Organic Education is offering college students the deal of a lifetime—they will pay for your college education in exchange for just your organs.

Of the thousands and thousands of universities in the world, Penn is No. 1 in students’ ability to be prosecuted on federal charges, according to The US News and World Report.

For some, networking begins on day one. CEO Jake Howard (E '10) and CFO Adam Kaminsky (W '10) of CryptoCrack, a revolutionary fintech company that describes itself as the “Venmo, Square, and Robinhood of Crypto,” reveal the story of how they met—during New Student Orientation of their freshman year.

As NSO rolls around, so do all those Facebook darty invites. Of course, Carolina Cortes (C ’21), because she isn’t rude, replied ‘going’ to all of them: to panthers, to gorillas, and, yes, even to scorpions. 

It’s that time of year again. While most upperclassmen have settled back in their old campus haunts, Penn’s freshman halls lie mysteriously empty.

Junior peer advisor Julia Cole has started reaching out to her freshman advisees.  She’s encouraged them all to contact their pre-major advisor, apply to all the clubs that interest them, and to try some cocaine. 

Christie Satterfield (C ’19) doesn’t love her new apartment at The Brian. Sure, it has super cute granite countertops in the kitchen and bathrooms, the most lovely waterfall shower and multi-jet bathtub, and such a quaint planetarium off the living room. But it just doesn’t feel like home sweet home.

Lisa Wilcox (C ’22) had everything planned out. A fresh-faced pre-med student ready to take on the world and declare her BBB major (in no particular order), Wilcox was set to knock out all of her introductory science requirements by the end of her freshman spring. Unfortunately, even the best laid plans go awry.

Sellout or subversive icon?

With the calm and politically gentle year of 2017, most Wharton students had no idea anything in the world was problematic enough to be deserving of a protest. 

If you’re not an international student or from New York, it can be hard to make an impactful first impression.