Lonely Teen Finds Cool New Summer Friend: Mom
For one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool new friend: Mom.
News
About Time! Penn Freshman Finally Graduates High School
Never go back to high school. Once you escape that place, run.
Lonely Teen Finds Cool New Summer Friend: Mom
For one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool new friend: Mom.
Fighting Couple Amends Sign “I Love You to the Moon and Back” to “I Love You to at Least the Grocery Store”
"Sue, I do not love you to the moon and back. Do you know how far that is?! Do you know how long that would take to travel?"
About Time! Penn Freshman Finally Graduates High School
Never go back to high school. Once you escape that place, run.
Woke King! This Guy’s Type Is Ivy-League Educated Women of Color
This white man truly does not discriminate at all!
Simulation Glitch: Women Over 45 Open Mouths, Portuguese Comes Out
Women over 45 worldwide closed their eyes on Saturday night, oblivious to the fragility of their existence, and awoke Sunday morning fluent in Portuguese.
Ally Behavior! This Straight Woman Does Poppers
"Yeah, she would not stop doing poppers that night," Ryan's other gay friend Josh Compas (C '21) told us, "We were like, 'what are you doing,' but she just kept chanting 'hashtag queen shit' over and over, and then I said, 'it's literally Pride Month, Nicole,' and she was like, 'exactly.'"
Translation Guide: Understanding the Father Tongue
Your key to a genuine conversation this Father's Day!
Change Up! Dad Who Usually Complains About Never Seeing Kids Now Wants Kids Permanently Out of House
"I don't know what happened, but those kids are little monsters," said Mr. Jackson in an interview, "now I understand what that phrase 'too much of a good thing' means."
“Daddy’s Cummies” Deemed Completely Kosher; to be Served at Hillel This Fall
Get ready to gobble and slurp your Daddy’s cummies at Hillel this fall!
Breaking: Intolerable Boy From Writing Seminar Calls Bo Burnham Comedy Special “Groundbreaking”
Is Bo Burnham God’s gift to comedy? According to Jacob from your writing seminar, that answer is a resounding “yes”.
Wharton Receives $5 Billion Monopoly Money Donation, Plans on Acquiring Baltic Avenue
According to sources deep within Penn's administration, Wharton intends to use the funds to acquire Baltic Avenue for their new hotel project.
Student Interning from Home Regrets Passionate Goth My Little Pony Phase
Golding was pleased with her magnum opus for about 10 months before her pride turned to indifference, dislike, disgust, then finally repulsion.
Sophomore Unaware He Is at Exact Moment When Gifted Child Turns into Burnt Out Adult
At Penn, Liang is a biannually participating member of Penn Outdoors and a thrice-rejected submitter to Penn Review. He got cut from both ZBT and Phi after two rounds of open rush.
Van Pelt Library Announces Rectal Exams as Theft Precaution
If you scream when the guard opens your butt, you will be permanently banned from the library.
Penn Glee Club Integrates With Penn Sirens, Dhamaka, TEP, Penn Polish Club, the Netter Center, Gregory College House, Locust Protesters, Penn Catholic Newman Community, Allied Universal Workers, Linguistics Majors, and Your Mom
The Penn Glee Club made history by integrating women and dancers and the frat brothers that sell you weed and Poles and do-gooders and freshmen that got fucked over in housing selection and God-fearers and more God-fearers and the people that are most likely to have weapons on campus and soon-to-be unemployed students and fat skanks into their historically TTBB choir.
Wow! Mediocre Man Emotionally Unavailable
You loved him. He averaged around 50 hours before he texted you back each time. You did not once experience orgasm during sex with him. What a king!
Innovative! Sad Girl Takes Crying Selfie to Prove She Is Sad
She lamented her harrowing life as a young white girl.
English Major Enters 11th Month of Reading Same Paperback
At this point, Lopez requested a nicotine break.
LGBT Win! Penn Closet Rebrands as “Penn Come Out of the Closet”
In addition to the rebrand of their store name, they will be offering complimentary hits of poppers to all customers, expanding their jockstrap collection, and offering discounts on ketamine after your tenth purchase.
Report: High School Friends Remain Uncultured, Uneducated Swine
They are, in essence, pigs rolling around in a trough.
